Crazy Fool's Newsround - 4th - 10th Dec 09 volume 358

4th - 10th Dec 09 volume 358
December, 09th 2009 15:40 PM

“Well, the madcap laughed at the man on the border

Hey ho, huff the Talbot

Cheetah he cried shouted Kangaroo

So through their tree they cried

Please leave us here

Close our eyes to the octopus ride!”

(Syd Barrett)

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool is in bed, clad in a thick white fisherman’s jumper and sea captains hat. He is smoking a pipe, the kind fashioned by Richard Burton in the 1951 classic Seawife, whilst waiting for his octopus soup to cool. He has just made sweet music with Bridget Bardot. Unfortunately Bridget is now 75 and smells of cats. The spiralling smoke from the pipe puffs and pouts its form into an octopus, capturing within its domed head an image of Peter Sellers. Peter, in anguish, and donned in a judge’s wig, an octopus in a wig no less, swings his judge’s hammer and brings it crashing down on fool’s skull… the foggy tentacles dissipate into a wispy bow and disappear, submerging themselves into the floral wallpaper behind the bed head. fool yelps…

fool: Whoa, who, whyopingy…nyyyp, nyyyp, nyyyp

Peter: You have been brought before the beak courtesy of the long arm of the law and are charged with silliness, here, take this, and (hits him on the head) take him away…. (Peter fades into the wallpaper) - Yikes, floral…argh, argh…I’m in floral…

fool blinks and rubs his eyes; just then the door opens and in puff of smoke enters:

The Chinese Three Musketeers: Res, its all flor one and one floral

fool: (Pans to the camera) Phew, that was close.

Narrator: yes, hmmm, probably the worst. So, without any further achew…Hereeeeeeee’s Quizzy:

fool’s octopus soup…yes it is

1. Below what, would the octopus be warm, in his garden in the shade?

2. What is the number to aim for in a game of cribbage?

3. “Roma” and “Tornado” are types of what?

4. What are satin, stem and lazy daisy?

5. How many packs of cards are used in Canasta?

6. What was the radioactive isotope identified in the death of Alexander Litvinenko? Ok, just joking; How old was Freddie Flintoff when he was 18? Ha ha can’t stop, turn off the gas; Seriously, Huey Lewis was vocalist for which group?

7. “Uncle Buck” was the debut for which film star?

8. Which Beatle was the first to have a solo number 1 hit? A) George Harrison B) John Lennon C) Paul McCartney

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

After the huge success of cf’s Quiz Night at the Zone Bar last week, we’re due another, it’s tonight, however, if you’re reading this next week then you’re too late.

WHO AM I? – 2009 – It wasn’t Captain Eo – who? Nor Captain Bligh, whom fool thought, was best portrayed by the blubbery face of Charles Laughton, big clue there too! So let’s have another look afore ye goes forward; Clue No.1 “Nay Hook nor Peter Pan, although my trial was a bit of a joke.” And head straight into Clue Numero dos; “A Capt’n I be, nay, for I was, and I’ll nay be joking about that. Although it could be said I was never released, but be sure I was so in kind from The Saigon Six.” – Clue No.3, “Look ye’s here me hearty’s along the right lines ye be, but as yet ye ain’t got me and I’s aint sure how’s long I can bluffs yers anymore!”

Is it me?

This is the 2009 Main Comp series – with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in: For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 46 or 47 if we’re strictly going by the Gregorian calendar and due to the fact fool’s missed a week.

For those who like ones; one’s and brackets:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 + 1 bonus point, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Aye: 1 (1)

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

Give a man a fish; tomorrow, he’s gonna want another fish. Teach a man to fish; tomorrow he’s standing next to you on the dock catchin’ your fish. Kill the man. Chop him to bits. Tomorrow, you got bait.

Basil White

*Non-descript trivia moment*

POKER HANDS & PROBABILITIES

1,098,240 ways…One pair…25 to 24

123,552 ways…Two pair…20 to 1

54,912 ways…Three of a kind…46 to 1

10,200 ways…Straight…254 to 1

5,108 ways…Flush…508 to 1

fool’s Gold

Jellyfish are comprised of more than 95% water and have no brain, heart or bones, and no actual eyes

The killer whale, or orca,, is not a whale but the largest member of the dolphin family

The octopus’s testicles are located in it’s head

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Ping pong and snap, crackle and pop – that’s a 5.45a.m. ping-pong or more of a poing-doing, as a shuttle-cock is thwacked by a badminton racket right outside my ruddy window. I live in the quietest street in Mentalsville, yet am hounded by the neighbour’s insistence in playing badminton outside my house, what’s wrong with theirs? The amount of times I’ve told them to go shove-your-cock somewhere else, preferably up their end, and all I get is the mandatory wave of the dis-understanding hand chaperoned by an inane grin. If it wasn’t for the lack of curtains allowing a piercing sunlight to crash through the glass door I’d be quite content in noddy-land, dreaming of the skies over the Somme mud, where Jonny Foreigner’s kite snipes out from the sun’s protection; ratt-a-tat-a-tatting goes his machine gun, vroom, crash go the planes, yet they come back, they keep coming back, they never surrender, tatt-a-tat-a-tat goes the machine gun, except it’s not a bloody machine gun, but another neighbour’s Granddad, who sits on his inch high plastic stool and merrily swats the early morning mosquito’s with his electronic tennis racket – snap, crackle and pop fry the wee critters; ha ha, it’s sending me bonkers I tell you, bloody bonkers, it’s the Red Baron and Biggles at it, every morning, but I’ll learn ‘em, I’ll move out – ha ha, who yer gonna piss off then eh! – Ping-pong and snap, crackle n pop - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

The sound of a freshly caught rat first thing in the morning, as it spars with the baited empty can of tuna strung up in its cage – ratt-a-tat-a-tat

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

This is another plane, nope, had enough of them, let’s look at rocks – ok, gone back to planes:

Oh bugger!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com and Prices and dates 2009
Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – you can’t hide forever Jim!... ‘Oh yes I can.’

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: with his brother

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Randall

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…Warn all men…/…The English are feeling…/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

Ok, forget the rowing machine – House for rent; District 1 HCMC – contact the fool!

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…it’s old money it’s worth about sixpence …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

I’ll take a T-shirt, the way my lucks in you’ll have my size

This bit is the rugby bit:

Published 10.12.09

Ba ba ba ba Bar-Haban

It’s festival rugby at its best, a tried and tested formula that keep bums on seats and players enthused by heroics of the past and bound, they hope, for legendary status of their own in the infamous black n white hoops. The Baa-baa’s on Saturday emulated ‘that’ ’73 game, and came up, a much needed trumps 25-18 the victor over New Zealand.

Victor Matfield may have skippered this super-sized Barbarian outfit and today’s greats may have also peppered Twickenham 63k+ crowd; indeed in VM’s word’s himself; “It was very close to a Test match.”… but I ask, was it? Was it really? Let’s not take any shine off this excellent fixture, but a second string All Black side lent to an ethos of running rugby is the sole ingredient of Barbarian fixtures and dare I say it a fair throw from any Test match reality.

The hits, the passion, the spectacle are certainly there, but the realities of a Test arena is far from the players true feelings, even if, and this is every player to a man, agrees that it is up there amongst the most treasured honours to be part of, in fact, let’s hear from Victor the victor again, “The guys are very happy. It’s been one of the best weeks we’ve had as professional rugby players. We played for each other.” – Hence the tumuli and need for such a fixture…and booze, God have we got any booze in here, can’t a man get any booze around here…back in a minute…

The game itself rallied around Habana’s short, yet stocky legs, yet as the Blacks pushed up paddock they forgot to secure the ball whereupon Drew Mitchell pounced and fed a scoring pass to Habana. The game continued with intent from both sides until Luke McAlistair bust a straight line through the middle and settled for a pass to Ben Smith to touch down.

Habana was quick off a loose Donald pass moments later to claim his second and as the game ding-donged in a crowd arousing atmosphere Luke set off once more, this time Anthony Boric was on the scoring end of his pass. With the Git poised to edge the Man of the Match award, his mantle was probably, and fairly passed onto a Habana number three try, which ironically stemmed from The Git’s break. But when you get three tries, that kind of seals it.

A cracking game, however, next time it would be nice to see some British clubs release their players instead of just the lonely Cardiff Blues. – Release the Six too…oh no, we’re done with that!

Guinness Premiership – : Wasps handled Leicester’s scrums better than Leicester did themselves and came off 24-22 the better. It was also excellent to see the ECCS captain and Lions hero Simon Shaw back in the engine room. / Northampton’s 15-13 win over Bath was made possible by a final minute try by Chris Ashton – that’s 7 on the trot for Bath!/ Leeds are carrying plenty of biff and look inspired by Neil Backs presence, but they just didn’t have the gravy against Quins and went down 27-30. Jim Staples and Frankie Croxford didn’t play. / Gloucester came good against Newcastle 25-13 thanks to an early try by Charlie Sharples, which has nothing to do with Staples, although does sound a little similar. Mind you, ‘Charlie Sharples’ might make a good villain in say, a Michael Caine film./ London Irish and Worcester shared a try each and also the final scoreline 16 each. Jim Staples did not play for the Exiles.

Top 14 : Now, it is Heineken Cup next week and a lot of the big guns will be saving their top dogs, but is that any reason to go totally belly up – check out these results: Brive 27-21 Toulouse – three drop goals helped that./ Albi 20-9 Biarritz, that’s three losses in a row for the Catalans. Romanian Lulian Dumitrius helped himself to two drop goals. / Racing Metro 92 screamed up the leader’s board with their 8th straight win to beat Toulon this week, 28-15. Sgt Wilko got four penalties, Jonny Wisniewski got three – and Metro’s scrum half Mathieu Loree got busted for smoking weed – must have had it in his sock./ Montabaun beat Clermont 20-15./ I know, it goes on, Bourgoin beat Castres 16-9./ At least some dignity was restored when Perpignan thumped Montpellier 29-3./ And even more so with Stade Francais smashing Bayonne 34-10.

Magners League: The Jocks are on top here with Edinburgh taking the Scarlets 17-16. On two tries a piece the canny lads had to come back from 8-3 and 13-10. / Ospreys sent Munster home 19-14 the lighter thanks to an early Tommy Bowe try in the corner, plus for penalty misses from O’Gara./ Glasgow and Ulster shared an error ridden game with the Jocks snipping it 25-13./ Cardiff Blues, minus their three Barbarians scored two against bottom placed Connaught to win 21-9. Casey Lualua debuted here and Jim Staples did not play for the Irish. / And the Dragons beat Leinster 30-14 in a stunning victory, notching four tries on their way, the best came from, no sorry the best name of a try score came from a chap called Fussell – and the word chap derives from somebody who would have been a trader!

Some shorts:

There’s plenty of who-ha going around this week about how drab the game’s becoming due to lawmakers decisions in favouring the defensive. The notion of running out of trouble; a-la Blanco, et Sella style, to use as one example, are these days riddled with a protected potential error in the shape of a scared boot up in the air – what ever you do, don’t even think of running it out of trouble!. Fact, the Boks won the Tri Nations with the least amount of tries. Fact, the Guinness Premiership try rate this time last year was 4.1 per game – it’s now 2.7. Fact, the Heineken Cup final tickets have sold out for 22^nd May so don’t even bother trying. 54,000 went on sale to the public. 80,000 are going to be at Stade de Francais. Fact, the last fact had nothing to do with the ‘try-count story’ – sorry!

Heineken Cup this weekend – 3^rd round

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: have some fun and try to name the actor!!! - This particular team will be finished… fool promises! – Only two to get.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. ? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1. ?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it – ha, ha…nurse… - have received two props recently in Ray Winston and Bob Hoskins, but what were the films?

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England became only the second nation to win an ODI series against South Africa in South Africa-land. They sealed the deal 2-1 thanks to an emphatic washout in Durban. It was a marvellous downpour, which could only be mirrored by the first game’s splatterings, yet in between the Kate Bush cloud busting England pulled together some tantalising cricket, with the best bowling stats heralding from Jimmy’s hands and the batting banter supplied by, well, I’m not sure for sure, but me recalls it be Levi? I do know that the only other side to win in ‘Is-it-land’ are Australia and that Kate Bush went to my school and I had her old English book.

Meanwhile India wrapped up their 2-0 Test honours over Sri Lanka by affording themselves a slice of solidarity. Skipper MS Dhoni-kebab said, “This was not achieved through one or two individuals, but as a long process and everyone has contributed.” – Mmm, kebab.

Pakistan had enough of messing about with draws and went out and walloped New Zealand by 141 runs with one day remaining in Wellington. What do they do with that day, how do they give it back. God must be right cheesed off. ‘I gave you five…what am I supposed to do with it…I don’t need it anymore, it’s yours, I’ve got enough, look, bags of ‘em…’ – That was Pakistan’s first Test win in 13 attempts. Mohammad Asif, although I’m sure he is, got a five-fer in the second innings and a total of 9 for 107, earning him the MoM.

In Australia the Windies rocked the world and produced a little piece of Windie magic to bust a draw on day five in the second Test. See, they respect ‘Him’. A close ‘Him’ is Chris Gayle and if you thought he was just a hits n giggles player then think again, because he planted himself in the middle and notched 165, which is exactly what he said he’d do. Suleiman Benn liked what he saw and dispelled any belief the Aussies thought they had of making their required 330 and took a five-fer.

Gayle loves the ‘unbelievable’ applause he’s receiving and expressed so, “There was a lot of speculation but I’m really honoured and pleased to be part of it.” – What speculation, what’s he talking about? Now we’re going to have to speculate. Where were you on Sunday 6^th Mr. Gayle…?

The Punts who refused to comment said this; “It was really a hard slog for us today and throughout the game. With the Windies batting first and making 450 we knew we had to do a lot of things from that moment in the game if we were going to win.” – Things eh…the plot thickens, just like fool’s octopus soup – want some? Give us a call and 24hrs…no, I’m not joking!

That’s it for this week

Other sports:

Still don’t do golf! – But have soup! Enough of the soup already…give the soup a frickin rest...

Yep

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Ronnie Wood and he did but it’s all over now. His 20 year–old Russian waitress Ekaterina has been left out in the cold as Ronnie momentarily staggered into a bout soberism. Their love life maybe over but in the world of Nippon a Japanese man has brought sanity back into the fold and married his on-line virtual girlfriend named as Sal9000 from the popular virtual sight Love Plus. Love hurts sometimes.

Women’s version

But you can’t beat good old fashioned doggy love. Or indeed a dogs love for his master. Tom Smith lost his Patterdale terrier called Scrappy Doo five years ago. Well, he didn’t lose it, some cads stole it. However, as Christmas approaches they realised it wasn’t life they wanted it for and so set it free, which meant they abandoned it. Luckily the dog catcher’s traced its micro chip back to Tom who said, “When they brought her back as soon as she saw me she went mad. After all that time you would think she’d remember.” – Yes, but she went mad Tom…mad, you drove her crazy…Scrappy Doo, bonkers mad, maaaaad, mmma, mmma, ad, ad, ad, ad, ad, ad – get it mad mate, mad, mad, mad mate, get it, get it, oh, I give up.

mmmaaaddd

Be careful how you go over Christmas and just take into account that mince pies with brandy butter sauce on contains one unit of alcohol. Christmas cake with pudding and rum sauce will set you back two units, and ladies that’s a couple of Sherries! So don’t drink and eat, nor eat and drive – bloody idiots!

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! John Bonham didn’t use an octopus on their groupie so let’s just leave it there shall we. No octopus was harmed. It wasn’t even a red snapper. Ok, it was a shark, but a dead one he kept in the wardrobe. Now I think that’s that quite cleared up.

Boffs at Britain’s National Physics Laboratory have made a snowman out of tin that is 0.025mm thick, a 5^th the width of a human hair. They also made a silicone Christmas tree which was no bigger than half the width of a human hair. They say it’s all in the research for science, but I can’t see it myself.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, ‘If Barbie is popular why do you have to buy her friends?’

What we need is some big, proper curly hair that stems from the trichohyalin gene. More boffs, this time at Queensland’s Institute Medical Research, have been getting to grips with what makes straight or curly hair. I’m not sure what it is, but it does have something to do with amino acid and that funny named gene at the beginning. Fact is though, that 45% of Europeans have straight hair, 40% have wavy and only 15% belong to the curly club. But the point is that now they know, you can go and get yourself whatever style you like…as long as it’s curly, or wavy or straight. And you won’t have to see the barber, just pop a pill. I might get a ‘perm’ on top with a straight mullet.

No helping some people

Brits spend 9,370 hours in the pub in their lifetime and spend £65,249 whilst there. Quite frankly that’s not enough, as they’re still closing at the rate of knots. The ‘study’ shown on UKTV Blighty; Save Our Boozers series also deduced that Oasis’ Wonderwall was most selected on the juke box, followed by Don Maclean’s American Pie and Queen’s We Are The Champions third. I’ve got nothing to say, my friend.

Ok, I’ve just about had enough _ I’ve got a quiz to get to and the first prize in a bowl of fool’s octopus soup!

I’ll leave you with this; A circus cat trainer was mauled and half eaten by three of his Bengal tigers as diners watched on in horror at a gala event in Hagenbech Zoo in Hamburg. Mr. Walliser stumbled and lost control and that’s when the tigers pounced. Before they were fought back with water jets Mr. Walliser had chunks bitten out of him and was missing a hand. Guests were miffed though because they had paid £125 a head for the event.

That’s cat training

Lastly, if you live on the west coast of Australia and you look out of your window and see an iceberg coming your way then there’s no need to look again because it probably is. A lump the size of Sydney Harbour broke off Antarctica 10 years ago and is heading straight for Perth. We need Bruce Willis.