Crazy Fool's Newsround - 3rd - 9th Sept 2010 volume 396

3rd - 9th Sept 2010 volume 396
September, 08th 2010 13:43 PM

“Hangman, hangman, upon your face a smile”

(Led zeppelin)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 9.9.10

For 33 Engineer (Explosive ordnance disposal)

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

That’s life!

In an attempt to boost Russia’s bedraggling low economy, finance minister Alexei Krudig has urged its citizens to drink and smoke more.

In a controversial venture to steer the nation’s comrades into a thriving financial market-place, Alexei pointed out the finer points of production, consumption, services and the supply of monetary gain lie first and foremost with the people.

“People should understand those who drink, those who smoke are doing more to help the state.” He said in a speech levied at soaring taxation prices, although I’m not sure he got ‘doing’ confused with ‘dying’.

A spanner out of the works

A mechanic in China staged a one man, naked protest after losing his job. De Tseng 43 from Kunming in the south of China took to the streets waving a spanner and hurtling abuse directed at his bosses to anyone who cared to listen.

His flatmate Ho he said he (De, not Ho) was fuelled by drink and, “He took the biggest tool he could find in his box and took all his clothes off and marched into the street to tell people what had happened to him.”

“The police were very kind and waited for him to sober up and put his spanner away.”

Then, with all the sincerity they could muster tore down his house and sent him to live in Russia.

This is not a spanner

Oh, ooh, oh, that’s better…

In a wild plan to guard herself from temptation 43 year old virgin Sarah Cassidy goes to bed each night with barbed wire wrapped around her thighs to stop her from having sex.

Sarah, a physics graduate from Manchester University UK, is a member of the extreme catholic group Opus Dei. She claims, although the blunted barbs can sometimes draw blood, it is ‘less painful than a bikini wax’.

“The mortification helps you keep your passion under control and channel your energy.”

Don’t bother telling China love; they’re not interested.

Oh lord, save me

Ho ho ho

Thrusting herself into the throngs of passion last week was Dr. Jaequelzu Kotorac, who apparently died in the chimney of her lover’s house.

The doctor had seemingly got stuck in the chimney and had been there for three days, although it is unclear of the cause of death.

The man’s house, with whom she is said to have had the erratic affair, William Moodie, said he fled the house on the night of question as he didn’t want a confrontation.

Police found a suspicious spade in the garden! The investigation continues.

A foot ahead

Life’s too short for some, and for others; short is life. 24 year-old Colombian Edward Nino (Were his parents taking the piss or what!) Hernandez is the world’s shortest fella, at 27 inches or 70cm’s.

His girlfiend, Fanny, is 5ft –careful now. He looks up to…sorry, his heroes are Jackie Chan, Sly and former Colombian president Alvaro Ubribe. (Is someone making these names up!)

However, hot on his heels is teenage wee-fella from Nepal Khagendra ‘oompa-loompa’ Thapa who’s but 22 inches (56cm’s) and he’ll be 18 in October.

The biggest potato ever is 8lb 4oz, of the kondor variety. Amateur gardener Peter Glazebrooke 66 grows out-sized veggies for fun. He’s had a 17ft carrot before; a 21ft beetroot and a 13lb parsnip. – How big’s the beanstalk!

Enough of this nonsense, let’s have a tune…

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Frantically trying to get hold of me old mate, Johan from Japan’s rendition of his Potato song…I couldn’t. So here’s this…’

Take it away... (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said:

Get on with it

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.’

If you’re looking for Brummies finest it’s gone to the trivia page – Play of the Day etc – it was getting a bit crowded here

Animal news

*Angler Steve Wozniak from San Roman California has become the first person to catch 1000 different species of fish. It took him 63 countries and 10 years and one of the most difficult was a stench fish, which he finally trapped in Northern Ireland. The most dangerous; a puffer from Oz.

On a slightly different line - Since 1580 there have only been 158 Tiger shark attacks on humans. Make that 159. Black fella; aged either 62 or 47, the missing bureaus department isn’t sure yet. Nevertheless, all but the missing person’s head turned up in the guts of a tiger fish caught by a suit on a fishing holiday in the Bahamas.

Asian sheepseed wrasse – ugly-fish

*Gypsies riding into to a pub in Erith, Kent, UK on their horses have finally been banned. The Cross Keys pub tolerated their first few outings, but when races on the streets in their pony and traps got out of hand so did they, as they were soon entering the bar in droves.

A local said, “One moment you’re sitting there having a pint and a bag of nuts and then some horses come in through the door with gypsies sat on top of them.”

Mind you, the bar didn’t get too many ‘healthy’ wraps, as described in one website forum as, “Bar staff slightly moronic, but friendly as long as you don’t overdo the diction.”

*Skinny bird Sonya Thomas broke the new world speed eating record by consuming 181 chicken wings in 12 minutes. She put it down to quick hands – a-ha, someone check her sleeves then.

*There’s a story about some German bloke making, and by gummly selling, stuffed toys with psychiatric problems such as bipolar and fear of water etc – but I can’t bring myself to talk about it.

Number crunching

*In the world’s fastest furniture race, Brit Perry Watkins won in a table at 130mph. The exhaust fumes blew out of two silver tea pots and his head was under a roast chicken – what more do you need to know?

*Lady Gaga sacked 150 staff on her 2008/9 tour and was in hospital 6 times due to her absurd obsession with weight loss. – Verdict – mad a box of frogs.

*Troy Polamalu’s hair is insured for $1m by Head and Shoulders. The big poof plays American football for Pittsburgh Steelers and he’s got loads of hair. And because he’s over there and I’m here I can call him a big poof.

*Aaron ‘wheels’ Folterhingham from LV USA is the first person to do a double back flip in a wheelchair. You wonder just how hard he’s been practising…oh no, he’s had spina-bifida since birth.

Meanwhile Simone Tengerate rode up the Swiss border Stelvio Pass on one wheel. It took him 53 mins 22 secs.

In Philadelphia’s naked bike ride cheats entered yet again. Every ride it’s the same. There’s 70 of these rides all over the world designed to breed cycling and environmental awareness, and what happens, people are wearing socks, swim suits strategic body paint – what’s the point…

*On the 7^th September 1940 the Blitz began – it didn’t begin to peter out till May ’41. 400 civilians were killed on the first night – lest we forget.

*The last surviving poster celebrating Nelson’s victory at Trafalgar is expected to fetch £40k at auction this week. It cost tuppence in 1805. The 2ft tall depiction outlines, “The Most Decisive and Glorious Naval Victory that ever was obtained since the creation of the world.’ At 27 British versus 33 French and Spanish ships and out gunned by 474, plus 8,153 men the British did not lose a single vessel compared to 22 by Napoleon’s mob.

Lastly, something about Alzheimer’s and vitamin B cutting it in half…

And sorry, but this was too good to keep to the titillations page (Category Tit-bits to titillate yourself to)

Helium walks into a bar.

The bartender says “I’m terribly sorry, we don’t serve noble gases.”

Helium doesn’t react.

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz