Crazy Fool's Newsround - 3rd - 9th June 2011 volume 435

3rd - 9th June 2011 volume 435
June, 08th 2011 19:34 PM

“But it’s all right, I’m jumping jack flash

It’s a gas! Gas! Gas!”

(Rolling Stones)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lass – The One With Thea… until she falls asleep

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 9.6.11

For Elements of: Elements of 6 Close Support Battalion Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineers

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

www.saigonsoundsystem.com

Catch me if you can

A 34 year old female flasher has out foxed the law in Germany by cheating prosecution, because there is ‘no crime’ if the flaunter is not aroused.

Annette Kaiser operates mainly in Berlin, but has been known to display her wares in neighbouring small towns.

A police spokesman said, ‘If a man drops his trousers it is easy to see he is excited but with a woman that is not possible.’

Adamant to continue her nude pursuit Annette says she loves the ‘feeling of freedom’ and, “I like to show off my body. I give men an eyeful and then I’m quickly gone.’

Police have advised the public to be vigilant and to report any sightings immediately.

If you want to get a-head, get a rope

Authorities in a rural town in India have posted a job for executioner at their Jorhat Prison.

Situated 190 miles east of Gauhati the prison is itching to stretch the neck of inmate Mahandra Nath Das after he was sentenced for the chop following the beheading of a rival transport union boss Hara Kunt, he then ran through a busy market place waving the said Kunt’s head around.

Two executions have taken place in the last 15 years forcing ex-executioner, 84 year-old Nata Mullick having to come out of retirement in 2009 to perform the last.

Governor Brojan Das said, ‘In testament to give Kunt the head of his perpetrator we have started the process of putting up the gallows.’

Meanwhile a 45 year-old Russian man accidentally killed himself when he buried himself alive for good luck.

The man from Blagoveshchensk fitted a box with air-pipe holes, a blanket, mobile phone and a bottle of water then snuggled down 8 inches under the earth in a bizarre ritual that is supposed to bring good fortune.

A friend helped fill in the hole then went home to wait for the phone call. Heavy rain was believed to have blocked the holes, which uncannily dealt the same fate to a man who took part in a similar ‘ceremony’ last summer.

Police investigation found job application forms to a posting in rural India on the friend’s computer, and are yet to confirm his whereabouts.

B‘ark up!

Dutchman Johan Huibes isn’t taking any risks in his lowland quarters and has built an Ark according to direct specifications of Noah’s.

The $1.6m project, funded entirely by himself, sprang to light over 20 years ago when parts of Holland flooded, in the ‘Great Flood’.

Johan now plans to moor his 450ft by 75ft vessel made from Swedish pine, as opposed to gopher wood on account on not finding any gopher wood, in the Thames, London for the 2012 Olympics.

Meanwhile ex Baywatch babe Donna D’Errico is off to climb Mount Ararat in Turkey where the original Ark is believed to be buried in the icy glaciers.

Donna will make the three mile climb to the Ahora gorge where, after extensive research, she believes the Ark to be situated.

Wearing her red swimsuit and carrying the infamous life buoy, she claimed, ‘these pairing will probably freeze just like the other animals but at least my puppies will be safe.’

Caravanning

The world’s first indoor caravan park opened this week in Germany.

Hutten Palast – Huts at the palace – consists of hotel suites complete with three caravans, washing lines, trees and a wooden hut are situated in a converted vacuum factory in Berlin.

Founders Silke Lorenzen and Sarah Volmer say they wanted to keep the integrity of the building, whilst creating a communal atmosphere for guests.

The room within a room concept stemmed from wooden cabins, however, to make these more flexible for events they thought of putting wheels on the cabins.

Then Silke twigged, ‘It was then we realised there are already cabins with wheels – caravans.’

Must dash – I’ve got to finish making the shed for the downstairs toilet.

(Quick sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Rummaging around my toilet paper-written notes to lay waste on news worthy items for this week I got bored and decided to leave out the story about how lack of sleep kills men’s sex drive, also I thought it unworthy to report how in Ft Worth Texas buses have banned passengers wearing the absurdly fashionable jeans round the arse by slapping a slogan on their buses, saying, ‘pull ‘em up or find another ride. Nor shall I harp on about the new ostrich sleeper which is a cross between a pillow and sleeping bag that you stick your head and hands in to fall asleep at your desk, or even the officially banned cheese rolling race down Cooper Hill in Gloucester, let alone how swearing can now carry fines in Australia and Barnsley, South Yorkshire. I’m not even going to mention the candwich, nor the legal marijuana superstore in Arizona, the Spanish town that claimed to invent coca cola, the exploding truck filled with 24 tons of cheese just outside Somerset, the three year-old kid who has just joined mensa, the golden BBQ worth £100k or the snakes on the train in Vietnam, - not even how Andrew Gold died this week aged 59; Never let Her Slip Away – how Eddie Kidd has finally finished the London marathon 43 days after starting – raised £75k – the dad who waves goodbye to his son everyday in fancy dress, nor even how the Russians and Turks are considered to have a better sense of humour than the Brits and, not unsurprisingly, the Germans have the least, but instead I plumbed for the caravan story that had no ending, apart from the bit about me building a shed in my toilet, which I am going to do because my missus won’t let me have one in the garden; but not for a minute did I think we’d get a song out of it, and lo, it turns out there are hundreds, which in some ways is a shame because I wanted to say something about my mate’s mate’s song that I heard in the car the other day and thought it was great, but I can’t get it on youtube so will have play it on the audio version, nevertheless, for the web song; here’s Magic Lantern performing Somebody Told Me from a website called; Songs From The Shed, set in Greenwich… it turns out now that the cd my mate gave me of his mate’s song doesn’t work, so who knows what we’ll hear on the audio version of this week’s show!

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said: ‘You missed out Al Capone’s revolver expecting to raise £70k at auction next month.’ – The Voices.

The Fantasies of Chinese Cabbage by Ju Duoq

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘You know my memory’s terrible. I cut myself shaving today and forgot to bleed’

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

Next event to be posted ASAP…

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news

*Tenuously linked to animals as opposed to numbers; Thai fella Kann Tichan can pull out 20 pieces of fried chicken from a vat of 480º of boiling oil in a minute and not get burned once. He found out his party trick when a squirrel, another animal, scurried along a tree above him and dropped a mango in his pot, splashing the contents all over him, but when he looked in the mirror he saw no blisters and hey presto, he’s got the world and his wife coming to see him dunk his hands in oil.

*If you wanted to carry 451 turtles in a briefcase along with 7 fake gavials fresh water crocs then you’d get about $33k for the lot. Some bloke from Bangladesh tried it but got caught at Thai customs.

Number crunching

*Britain’s 200^th richest man – Andrea Panayioutou is 45, has five kids, is worth £400m, owns a £40m Gulfstream jet and a £12m yacht and cannot read – there’s hope for you cup cake.

*London’s Playboy bunny girls are back. They first appeared in the city scene back in the 60’s then never got their licence renewed in 1981. Anna van Heeswick from Object campaigned against the sexual objectification of women, but luckily ex-playboy Heather Colne-Bird 70 was there to steady the ship saying, ‘These protestors are being pathetic.’

*Dead Cert man came a cropper, dropping £120k on Djorkovic’s defeat to Federer in the French Open semis. Still, his 26 wins on the trot still remains a record, as does his highest bet on a tennis match, and win lose or draw on this bet he said it was his last – he’s still £41k up.

*The most expensive kebab is 750 quid. Made from £138 worth of saffron induced flat bread, 84 quid’s worth of milk fed lamb from the Pyrenees, a 130 quid of edible gold and £195 a bottle of Krug Champagne infused mint and cucumber yoghurt; Chef Andy Bates made the eight pint-soaker for the Great Food Truck Race TV show, which celebrates street food. Making up the other ingredients are £20 worth of Coeur de Boeuf tomatoes, barrel aged feta cheese at £54 a pop, purple violet potatoes at £15, chilli peppers – 35 nicker and garlic, lemon, mint, cucumber, salsa and yoghurt at 40 quid. – Do you get chips with that?

*Armchair astronomer David Martines has found a ‘space station’ on Mars and knows it’s not a mountain because of its distinctive blue and red stripes. Found at coordinates 71 49’. 73”N 29 33’06.53”W David reckons the structure to be about 700ft x 150ft. ‘This is something I discovered on Google Mars quite by accident he wrote on Youtube to the tune 58,000 visits. ‘I call it Bio-station Alpha, because I’m just assuming something lives in it or has lived in it.’ – Fact – there’s as much water in the Moon’s interior as there is in Earth’s – close fact.

Let’s leave with a bit of Floyd’s Astronomy Domine

I’m off – come on Brutus

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

Just cf it

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page

p.p.s. sport is back – good one this week – (and a mild PotDQT with slight Fras showers will return shortly!

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz