Crazy Fool's Newsround - 3rd - 9th July 09 volume 337

3rd - 9th July 09 volume 337
July, 09th 2009 14:49 PM

“One way or another I’m gonna get you…”

(Blondie)

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning)

Plus the radio show – with a new look

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool and Bob Marley are sharing a cone from Mr. Whippy whilst staring at the night sky through the sun roof of a Peugeot GTi, as it parks in a lay-by in a country lane, somewhere near the Hundred of Hoo.

fool: So, you think they’re out there?

Bob: Ja, why not.

fool: Not Ja, de movement of de people, but somefing more out dare, you know, like them so good they almost like from another planet.

Bob: Like, the king of pop and his missing brain?

fool: Na…like Elvis

Bob: Sure…why not!

Narrator: Lee Marvin was born under a wandering star. But that’s got nothing to do with the first quiz question:

1. Name three Elvis songs with star in their titles?

2. Which is female, Dempsey or Makepeace?

3. Which animals do sailors say desert a sinking ship?

4. Who was the legendary King Arthur’s wife?

5. A muster is a collection of what type of birds?

6. Which Red Indian married Laughing Water?

7. What does a liquid turn to if it is heated up?

8. What is the name of the dog in Tom and Jerry? A) Butch B) Spike C) Ripper

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – The site distracted you didn’t it – all confused eh! But I can assure you it’s not Sean Connery. Here’s clue No.1 again, “I’m neither American nor contemplating how a long hot summer just passed me by.” “I didn’t go solo, nor go back to the States. I just jammed on my own.”

Is it us?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page. – Should have a sub-comp soon.

Scores at the end of week 26 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those on the edge, just hold on to this for me…oh:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Aye: 1 (1)

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

Samantha has to go now as she’s off to meet her Italian gentleman friend who’s taking her out for ice-cream. She says she likes nothing better than to spend the evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan.

I’m Sorry I Haven’t Got A Clue

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME ROMAN DIETIES

Mercury…travellers, thieves

Diana…hunting, fertility

Pluto…underworld

Aesculapius…healing

Bacchus…wine

fool’s Gold

Ricky Gervais can’t drive

The chances of having a heart attack during sex are virtually nil, say scientists. Sudden and severe stress or physical exertion is more likely to cause one. Surely that’s a good old fashioned thrash about in the bedroom!

The juice of boiled nettles is reported to be excellent for easing sciatica

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Fings ain’t what they used to be - It foxed me travelling 7000 miles across the now globalised sky enroute towards the vicinity of the home of cricket, Cardiff! Only to find out the Ashes is not on the telly! Ok, I’ll live with it; I can find it on the net or listen on the radio – very traditional it is, listening to sport on long wave. I could type this rubbish and listen. I’ll have a snack. The scotch eggs from the local butcher’s have run out…bugger…and the supermarket one’s in the fridge weren’t as good as I remembered. Never mind. I’ll keep the net on downstairs and view it when necessary, whilst munching on the supermarket’s ropey egg. The internet is very slow and the radio is quite crackly, but it’s still very traditional. I, think I like it. Peace, with cricket, egg and tip, tapping of the olde electronic typewriter. Then just as things slide nicely into place the women of the house scupper major Thursday’s plans by heralding family visits left right and centre and suddenly the whole day is kyboshed. – Fings ain’t what they used to be – never mind, at least we can still smoke in the pub…doh! - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Saigon, in the sun, with real blue skies and real buildings, not made out of yellow. And where the fuck did all those shops come from? Real shops, bars, cafes, banks… it’s almost…almost, well, real! I’ve had 4 ‘auto pilot’ routes on my bike in the last ten years… I said routes. One is to the pub, the other to work. The other two are on the way back from one and two; yet shuffling around the ‘old smoke’ the other day on Shanksies pony, I was completely blown away – it breathes, it heaves, and for a momentary lapse of reason I was…in a city just like any other in the world. Nonetheless, with all it’s lick of non ‘star shaped’ paint, and over-elaborate facades, there’s still the mandatory city nutters to keep it in sync with normal city life, not to mention the uniqueness that Saigon has to offer by way of contrived hospitality. I only had three mad people approach me in the Tax market other day, each as equally hell bent they knew me. One was trying to impress his friend; ‘Hi, it’s me from the airport…’ he said at the top of his voice – ignored him… (who ever knows anyone from the airport?). No.2; ‘Hey, long time, where have you been…’ asked another as I delved through a few t-shirts – ‘in the pub’, I helpfully replied… No.3; ‘Hi, my friend…’ – punched him. – Saigon – I love it.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – next week we are going to look at fish:

This is another plane:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: where all the best meat comes from – Got any pies?

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Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember; there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; brings forth round 14 and meanders about at round 15

*Trigger: trots on

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

OUT NOW

new and improved, with all the buttons – the pause, the play and slidy bit that gets you where you want to go… almost

Guest starring:

Olda Higden

Also available are the ‘oldies’ with One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - another new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits– .../…2,000 HP outboard inflatable…/…Dead penguin’s…/…old flame…/…

*Grub–Up –* New- New – new – NEW! –Brand new menu in crazy fool’skitchen/café – might have to take it off the menu as I reckon everyone’s about to copy it – last chance to have a look…maybe: – fool still recommends the Gazpacho

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

* Classifieds

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…yep, you’re just about ready to shake Vietnam’s world …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

- crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies on sale now for only 80,000vnd from the fool he-self or available at the Blue Gecko for 110,000vnd

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like a potato – the lazy git! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Great Lions shirts out now

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to the Marie Curie cancer charity

Now then, now then, now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move along now, there’s a good chap (ess):

The New Rugby extra Bit came out last Monday and can be found at the bottom of the categories list in B&I Lions tour – click on the blue text.

Some Shorts:

Published 9.7.09

All shorts this week, as we’ve got no games to report, apart from a few World Cup qualifiers, but who cares about them! Well, the fool does and he’ll tell you later, but first:

Jamie Roberts picked up the B&I Lions tour Player of the Series award with Simon Shaw hot on his heels, and Tommy Bowe snapping at the old fella’s boots for third. Jamie, naturally, said he was, ‘delighted’, but it was Welsh coach Warren Gatland, who brought things back into perspective; “Before Brian (O’Driscoll) left for home I thanked him for developing Jamie so much. He just laughed and said, ‘I hope he hasn’t learned too much.’” – How many Warren’s do you know – fool would like to know.

The MB’s, yep they’ve gone back to that status, as befits them according to their cheap shots, have been charged by the IRB for misconduct. A spokesman said, “The IRB takes the view that such an act demonstrates a clear disregard for the disciplinary process. It does so in a manner that brings or has the potential to bring the game into disrepute.” – Yeah, so stick it up your horses locus MB’s! – if you want to know more about this story then try their tour page in the categories.

Meanwhile a little further south is the controversial sacking of Lotte Tiquiri, which John O’Neill described as, ‘a standard employment matter.’ The 67 Test and 30 try hero was half way through a 5 year contract, amassing an estimated AUS$600.000, when the ARU ousted him on a third strike and out rule after two previous off the field warnings for misconduct, leaving the reason for the third ‘strike’ still unknown.

It’s been quite clear the Fijian hasn’t been on form lately and his axing clearly a financial concern as opposed to a Symonds-gate affair, where’s upon he’s just been burping pure mentholated spirits in the face of his employers. There’s probably no question that he’s tussled with Robbie Deans, missed a bus or two and been lacklustre during a couple of training sessions, but would he have been given the tin-tack five years ago is another question. The other boys are now concerned for their well being, let alone the youngsters coming into the game. Lotte’s going to fight it in court – hearing begins on 7^th August. He’s the fans employer as much as the ARU’s and fool says it’s only fair they get to know. We’re not interested in the sensationalism, just the reason.

The US Eagles beat the Cannucks 12-6 at the Blackbaud Stadium in Charlestown South Carolina on 4^th July. Their second leg for the America 1 World Cup qualifier will be in Edmonton in Canada this Saturday. The winner gets to go in Pool A with New Zealand, France, Tonga and a top Asian qualifier, whilst the loser plays Uruguay, top of Americas 2 and will get the chance to head into Pool C with Australia, Ireland, Italy and Europe’s No.2 tier winner. Can’t wait for France and Tonga to beat New Zealand in the pool games!

Springbok Gcobani Bobo’s off to Newcastle’s for a spell, (cash). The 29 year-old will hook up with a feast of other internationals hoping to rebuild the troubled Falcons, such as captain Carl Hayman and scrum half Jimmy Gopparth. GB said, “The Guinness Premiership and the European competitions are a great way to see new places and experience new countries. The nice thing, however, is that I will continue to test myself against some of the world’s top players – only in a different environment.” – Yep, and earn lots of cash – good luck to you.

Sgt Wilko’s been called up for England’s Elite squad of 32, that means still no room for the DC as Flood takes the other No.10 spot. The Sgt and Flutey are the only overseas players to get a look in. Mind you, all can change between now and the November Tests against Argentina, Australia and New Zealand. – fool’s changed his mind to an Aus Tri Nations triumph!

Eyebrows, Wayne Smith and Steve Hansen have all retained their jobs on the Blacks board, with McCaw insisting it’s a good thing; “It’s great. It gives certainty to what you do now.” – “We know we’ve got two and half years to keep building on what we’re doing. It’s nice to know we’ve got the same crew that are going to lead that.” – Eyebrow’s just raised one and mumbled, “It’s a real privilege to be asked to do this job and coach this team.” – fool’s not your biggest fan, but he agrees with McCaw.

The Super 14’s are itching to make it 15’s by 2011 and have asked Samoa to join. Samoa’s CEO Peter Schuster is adamant the country hasn’t enough money or time to form a franchise by then. The other candidates are an Eastern Cape side from MB-land or a Melbourne outfit or an Australian central coast side.

NRL Roosters Nate Hines has been severely reprimanded by his club for being naked, drunk and having a shit in a hotel corridor. Super 15’s do your self a favour; don’t go anywhere an NRL region!

I’m done.

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

A slightly futile rant coming up as all eyes are still on the fantastically proportional bulges in Opera diva Katherine Jenkins dress as she sang a splendid Welsh ditty to open the Ashes in SWALEC stadium in Cardiff on Wednesday. They once held a Wild West there show there you know!

The cricket that’s followed has been entertaining but let’s se if the pundits are correct: Brett Lee is out with sore ribs and will miss the first two Tests to which Bloke Down the Pub said, “Good” – will he be missed?

It seems not, as Mitchell ‘two last names’ Johnson has the backing of Dennis Lillee who gave him the highest of honour in saying; “One in a generation bowler” – well, we’ll see.

Hauritz on the other hand has been described in the same ilk but at the opposite end of the scale. He did manage to swipe KP’s wicket for 69 on day one as the maverick went for a sweep shot that ricocheted off his head into someone’s gully for a catch. KP wasn’t bothered though, insisting, “Other people look at my dismissals more than I do.” Geoff Boycott couldn’t resist a moan; “He (Hauritz) didn’t look as if he could bowl my mother out. Then he only gets the best batsman on either side out. The dozy so and so.” – He was referring to KP as a dozy sod, however, if you felt inclined to throw stones at Boycott in the street then be my guest – he’ll probably not even notice.

KP still insists his departure at anytime of this series will not affect his team’s performance. The man nick-named FIGJAM (fuck, I’m good, just ask me) said, “Once they get me out or if they get me out cheaply or if I have a bad series – England can still win. But I don’t ever intend to have a bad series. I’m as ready as I can be and I love playing Australia.” – He concluded with a compliment; “When they pull on their baggy green cap, which means so much to them, they’re a fierce side.” - Grrr

Whilst England keeps on ramming home that they are a happy side. Graeme Swann of the Dr Comfort and the Lurid Revelations, a band he plays in named after a ‘70’s Doctor who exposed female patients secrets, lifted the lid on some of the characters in the English squad; stating that Broad is posh but not half as posh as Levi ‘Radley College’ Strauss. Anderson gives as good as he gets, to whom it also seems RP has a lot of respect for, Tim Bresman takes a lot of stick and KP always voices his opinion. But on a more poignant note, regards sport and its place in the world; he said, “There are far more serious things in this world like Susan Boyle or Katie and Peter.” – Here, here.

Graham Thorpe says the key battle will be between Hughes and Bopari. He said, “It’s exciting to see two such talented youngsters going head-to-head in their first Ashes series.” – Which is a rubbish comment compared to Punter’s suggestion that Wales will be behind Australia in Cardiff, when to a man; each and every living one of them and the dead-uns, such as Dylan Thomas, said their cheers are for England. Gareth Edwards, Simon Jones and even Jamie Roberts denounced the Punter’s stirrings on BBC’s Long Wave radio the other day, where he emphatically stated, “We are 100% behind England.”

However, one thing both Levi and Punts do agree on is an after series celebration. When asked, Levi said, “I think we’re off to Belfast at the end so I’ll imagine there’ll be a few Guinness’s.” – Punts was right behind him, “We’re pretty simple guys – if we win we’ll stay up and drink all the beer we can get our hands on.”

Latest score: day Two/ Test one:

That’s it.

Other sports:

Eyes down for a full house at Wimbledon…

Elena

But now back to the final: Andy Roddick stayed on course for an epic 4hrs 16mins to claim the longest final and served 10 times to stay in the match but was finally broken by the federal Roger fella 5-7 7-6 7-6 3-6 16-14. That’s the Fed’s 16 of his last 17 Grand Slams won and the record books broken all over the place, most notably Pistol Pete’s 14 GS’s plus his 7 Wimbledon’s, and Russell Crowe didn’t even try to steal centre court.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Shops in the UK are selling boiled eggs at 89p for two or £1.49 for four. You could always buy them raw at £1.45 for 15, but where’s the fun in not boiling your own egg these days eh – next you’ll get pre-packed soldiers! fool does a wondrous egg, and so does a young cockerel called Elvis. So much so that he’s worn out his hen bride to the extent that she’s dead – literally shagged silly! He was once cooped up with four hens, till the rats got three of them and well, the cock the fourth. Elvis’ owner Katherine Cooke 32 from Ravenshead Nottingham said, “He’s a horny little devil and wants what all cocks want, a new harem, a new group of ladies.” – I like Katherine’s thinking. Does Elvis do boiled?

Talking of birds; Britain’s first bionic gosling was made this week, as the young goose broke its leg just two weeks into its life. Vets mended the twisted limb with strands of steel and nuts and bolts. But that has nothing in comparison with the spring chick Connie Brown who still puts in an eight hour day at her chippie aged 101. Connie skins, cleans and fries the dish by hand at her chippie in Pembroke, West Wales and said, “People say I should have, ‘me time’. But I know what’s best and I love it. And that’s work Why should I slacken just because I’ve gone past 100? It keeps me young.” – Mind you, she’s not telling the full story, as her son Hilton 73 helps out, along with his wife Glenys 63!

Further evidence that men will soon be obsolete is Prof Karim Nayernia’s work concerning man made sperm, ahem, man made, as in the lab that is, as opposed to in the internal human factory. The boff from Newcastle Uni has been playing God and has already reproduced mice using the stem cell growth method. However, a medical research team advised, “Although they found some of the sperm cells have tails and can swim, this is not evidence of normality.” – There’s a thin line between The Boys From Brazil and Emily Pankhurst eh!

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! The Beatles and the Rolling Stones agreed not to release their albums at the same time to give each other the chance to reach number 1.

Easter Island mud contains bacteria that can prolong human life for up to a decade. Rapamcyn has a protein called TOR which creates cell growth… what is this; The Medical Weekly! Where’s all the titty stories? Anyway, guess what? Yep, it’s been tested on mice. And yet again, the person who didn’t discover it is dissing it. This time it’s Oxford researcher Doc Lynne Cox, who wished she got there first, “This is very exciting. Whether it’s sensible to increase lifespan is another matter – perhaps increasing health span itself may be a better goal.” – There’s nowt more competitive than science!

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “Not this week it hasn’t.”

A, what was described, a rather plump budgie was rescued half mile out to sea in Devon UK where it had given up flying, presumably through exhaustion, what with it being so fat, and flopped into the water. Just by luck it was picked up by a passing boat. We’re not sure if Ozzy Osbourne was chasing it, but we do know that around the same time his (Ozzy’s) pet Pomeranian a squirty little shit of a dog was eaten in his LA back garden – probably by a wild coyote. His daughter Kelly said of the pet dog known as Little Bit; “He is devastated – she was the other woman.”

Four English women have become the first female crew to row across the Indian Ocean. The 3,720 miles from Geraldton Australia to Mauritius took 79 days. Fiona Waller, Elin Davies, Sarah Duff and Jo Jackson raised £50k for breast cancer. And I think they did it all in the buff.

As I desperately try to find time to go to the toy shop, I’ll leave you with a job ad for a witch - wanted. It’s a live-in position, in a cave on £50k a year. It says, the most successful applicant must be able to cackle and not be allergic to cats Those interested should apply to Wookey Hole Caves near Wells in Somerset and teach visitors how to cast spells. It’s open to men and women and even Trans bender-gender spooks. Apparently the original witch got turned to stone by a priest when locals weren’t happy with her! – Spooky.