3rd - 9th Feb 2012 v470
February, 09th 2012 15:03 PM

“train train – 16 coaches long”

(Elvis)

 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – that has lots, lots more!

  

That Was the Week… What a Week! - Saturday’s 1p.m. 92.75fm and around the globe on www.radioindochine.com

Also podcasted later on fool’s very own radio: http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php

 

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 9.2.12  

                                        

For elements of 5001 Squadron, Royal Air Force – tally ho

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 Tickets please

            Bosses at Indonesia's railway are planning to hit commuters with brooms covered in rancid gunge in an effort to get them down from the roofs of its trains.

Indonesia has shunned more modern technology in favour of a number of bizarre methods to deter passengers from clambering onto train roofs, which many do to get some air, because they can't afford a ticket, or just for kicks.

Journeys up on top of the vehicles are increasingly resembling a deadly game show, with paint guns, sniffer dogs, concrete balls and Muslim clerics all brought out to deter these 'rail surfers' in the past.

Brooms covered in putrid gunge are now to be installed at select crossings, with Ahmad Sujadi, of the state-run railway PT Kereta Api Indonesia, promising that the sensation of being hit by one of the contraptions will be 'like a whip'.

He said: 'Some people say it's inhumane, but that's fine. Because letting them ride on the roofs is even more inhumane.'

The most successful method of getting roof surfers back into carriages has so far been the grapefruit-sized concrete balls, which are suspended on chains from a football goal-like frame.

Passengers on the roof quickly realised that they could be hit on the head by the deadly devices, and retreated to the safety of the train.

Buoyed with the success of these medieval contraptions, the rail company will soon begin installing the gunge brooms along the line linking the capital Jakarta and the West Java town of Bogor from today.

 

                     Tickers please

            A 74-year-old man died when he swallowed his dentures during a sex session with a 64 year-old prostitute. 

Paramedics rushed to the scene but the man, known as Chen, was pronounced dead by the time he arrived at hospital.

Medical staff later found his dentures stuck in his throat, following the incident in New Taipei City, Taiwan.

The prostitute told authorities: "He fell back onto the bed. His eyes were open but he was not moving although I shook his body and tried to wake him up."

Prostitution is illegal in Taiwan but only the women, and not their clients, are penalised and face a fine of up to £600 if caught.

However, in recent years there have been plans to decriminalise the world's oldest profession but with strict rules.

 

New bulls please

            ROMANTIC couples will have a ball this Valentine's Day, thanks to a new pie filled with BULL TESTICLES.

The world's first aphrodisiac pie has been created by luxury pie maker Charlie Bigham.

Bigham's bizarre pastry claims to boost the libido with 'sexually stimulating' ingredients — and is so potent it carries a health warning.

Bull testicles are rich in testosterone and have long been used in India and China to increase sex drives.

Mr Bigham has mixed the bizarre ingredient with another aphrodisiac called Mama Juana liquor, and energy-enhancing Ginseng.

As a result, the pastry, called the 'Cock and Bull Pie', will carry a health warning when it goes on sale on February 11 — in time for Valentine's Day.

It will be available from online supermarket Ocado for £7.99.

Mr Bigham said: "After a busy day at work couples are often too tired to cook.

"This is why we have developed the romantic Valentine's version of our popular pies, taking the stress out of cooking this Valentine's.

"The Cock and Bull pie will give partners the opportunity to ditch the asparagus and oysters this year."

 (sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

            Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘South African police arrested a man on Monday after he claimed to be a popular musician who died in 2009, sparking a frenzy among the singer's fans.

 

Claiming that he is the late Zulu traditional music singer Khulekani Khumalo, also known as "Mgqumeni," the man arrived at the musician's home last week at Nqutu village in east South Africa's KwaZulu-Natal province.

News that the musician had returned spread like wildfire, prompting fans to descend on his home.

The man claimed that he had fallen victim to witchcraft but that he was rescued by ancestors. He did not die, he added, but was kept with zombies in a place he could not recall.

"The man is currently in custody pending a criminal investigation. Detectives have been questioning the man this morning and are conducting further investigation," said police spokesman Jay Naicker.

"The arrest follows developments yesterday when the man made his first public appearance at Nqutu," he added.  Get it off your chest request…

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website and radio!)

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'. ‘This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 


crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

 

 


www.highstylecondominium.com

 

fool’s gold; now available on his radio show - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php and 92.75fm - www.radioindochine.com

 

Animal news


 

 

            Miss Piggy, the glamorous star of The Muppets, is to be the official red carpet host at the Bafta Film Awards this year.

''Imagine the likes of Clooney, Dujardin, Fassbender, Oldman and Pitt achieving the very pinnacle of their careers by getting a chance to speak with the one and only moi – Miss Piggy!'' she said.

''Naturally, I will be asking questions that only moi would dare to ask.''

She even challenged The Descendants star Clooney – who is currently dating former wrestler Stacy Keibler – to a bout on the red carpet.

Miss Piggy declared: ''I don't wrestle girlfriends. However, if George wants to wrestle, bring it on! Best two out of three falls? Winner gets a dinner?''

The TV and film star appears opposite Jason Segel, Amy Adams and Chris Cooper in The Muppets movie, released on February 10.

The Bafta Red Carpet Show With Miss Piggy will air on Monday February 13.

            TRUSTING Janey Byrne thought she'd bought a trendy micro pig — then watched her balloon into this 17st monster.

Janey, 43, forked out £350 for porker Meeka after the breeder who sold her said she'd never get bigger than a springer spaniel.

But three years later the hulking beast weighs the same as a rugby forward and is 5ft long and 2½ft high.

She also costs around £200 a month to feed and scoffs at least ten bags of apples and carrots a week.

Janey said: "Every time friends visited they were taken aback by Meeka's size and asked if I was sure she was a micro pig. At this point, I still believed she was — just one with a weight problem."

Knee-height micro pigs are fully grown at two years and weigh 2st — a vet revealed Meeka was in fact a Vietnamese pot belly. The Leicester-based breeder who sold her is refusing to answer Janey's calls.

But despite everything, the receptionist, of Laughteron, Lincs, is refusing to get rid of her giant pet.

She said: "At first, her size was a bit of a shock and my husband Dave thought she'd eat us out of house and home. But I knew he'd come round because it's impossible not to love her.

"When Dave gets back from work he loves snuggling up on the sofa with Meeka and watching TV.

"We both like to lie next to her and cuddle her. At first I was disappointed she wasn't a micro — now I wouldn't change her for the world."

            *A rare lizard survived a 3,000-mile flight in a freezing cold luggage hold only to then be put through the wash by an unsuspecting holidaymaker.

Sue Banwell-Moore had returned from a holiday in the Cape Verde islands with a friend when she found the brown 6in (15.2cm) long Chioninia lizard among her washing.

Ms Banwell-Moore said after the initial shock she realised it must have stowed away in her suitcase and travelled all the way back to her house in Churchinford, near Taunton, Somerset.

She said she has since grown rather fond of the lizard, which she has named Larry.

 

*To find out more of fool’s animal news, catch his radio show this Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm (Phuket) and around the world on www.radioindochine.com – podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk (http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php)

 

Number crunching


 

                         *A 6,000-calorie feast called the Kidz Breakfast, which the Jesters Diner thought could never be polished off, has been mastered – in just 26min.

Robert Pinto travelled 200km (125 miles) from his home in Rutland to the Jesters Diner in Great Yarmouth, Norfolk, on Monday knowing what he had to do.

The task: to eat the 4kg (9lb) platter-load and get his £15 back for doing it.

‘When I first saw it, I thought ‘‘that looks pretty big’’,’ said Mr Pinto, 39. 

‘And I didn’t know where to start. But I do have a system, I try to use the bread to make little sandwiches filled with the ingredients and that helps it go down better.

which consists of 12 bacon rashers, 12 sausages, six eggs, four slices of black pudding, four slices of bread and butter, four slices of toast, four slices of fried bread, beans, tomatoes, mushrooms, sauté potatoes and an eight-egg cheese and potato omelette.

‘After I had it, I went for a five-mile run, went down the gym and had a swim, you have to keep healthy.’

            The Qatari royal family spent a record-breaking £158million on a painting – yep - the quarter of a billion dollar price tag makes Paul Cezanne's The Card Players the world's most expensive artwork.

It smashes the previous record of £88.7million for a Jackson Pollock.

The oil-rich Qataris are said to have bought the 1890s painting from the estate of Greek shipping magnate George Embiricos, who died last year.

The Qatari Royals bought Harrods for £1.5billion in 2010. In August they bought London's 2012 Olympic Village for £557million.

            AN entire village won part of a £600million lottery jackpot apart from one resident who got nothing because he didn't buy a ticket.

             

A SHIPPING tycoon has spent a world record £207,000 on a PIGEON

Hans Feldmeier, 87, of Rostock, was given the tin of American lard 64 years ago in an aid package sent to war ravaged Germany from the States and he decided to set it aside for an emergency.

 

Brewing formula from 1825 lets you make your own beer for just 11p

            Here's something for hard-up drinkers to stout about – an 1825 formula that gives you beer for just 11p a pint.

            A recipe for beer made with treacle has been discovered – but no one knows just how strong it really is.

It was written by ale lover Thomas Denton, who was determined to recreate his favourite tipple, London Porter.

For 72 pints of stout, you will need a peck of barley, 4oz of hops, 7lb of treacle and several gallons of boiling water.

Mr Denton, of Goole, east Yorkshire, also recommended letting the potent brew ferment for seven days.

Sam Bartle, from East Riding’s archive service, said: 'The instructions are quite simple but anyone wanting to try out the recipe would have to do so at their own risk.

'Following the recipe would produce a huge amount of beer, 72 pints, and it actually recommends a nine gallon cask for brewing.

'For it to be tried in most modern homes it would probably require some scaling down of the quantities.'

There was a beer in the House of Commons called – top totty – until some spoil-sport bit of not-hot totty banned it.

            A group of French schoolchildren on an exchange trip to Suffolk became hopelessly lost after discovering that the maps they had downloaded were for Ipswich in Australia.

The pupils who were on a tour of the town were confused when instead of finding landmarks like the Bremer River and Queen’s Park, they came across Ipswich docks and the Orwell River.

Eventually frustrated by their failure to work out where they were, the pupils called into the town’s tourist information centre where amused staff informed them they were looking at maps for an Ipswich that was more than 10,000 miles away.

The students, from a school at Mont Saint-Michel in Normandy, had downloaded the maps from the internet before travelling to Suffolk.

More numbers to crunch, cheese to discuss and fool’s gold, tales from the dark side and lots, lots more on; fool’s radio show – That Was the Week… What a Week - Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm in Phuket and worldwide on www.radioindochine.com - Saturday’s 1p.m. (Podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php) – download it as an MP3 and climb up on the roof to get away from it all.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

 


 

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