productions presents

The scene: It's half past opening hour in the Queen Vic in London's notorious East End and Barbara ‘Baps' Windsor is tending the bar and it's first customers of the day; fool and Dustin Hoffman.

Barbara: What'll it be boys? (Suddenly recognises Dustin) Oh hello Dustin what've you been up to? Hoo hee ha ughzzz

Dustin: it's a freakin mess,  I've been here five weeks now and I tell you Baps, it's a stinking, freezing, totalitarian state of a country, where you can't smoke...anywhere, on pain of death, and not the good old fashioned cancer death, no, but the grinding down of soul and will to live by do-gooders unbelievable rants. Tossers. Then you can't walk across fields anymore without fear of some kind of pagan disease from something or udder. Paddle in the sea? No of course fucking not, there's Great Whites in there of course! In England, I ask you? Oh, but you can paddle in the streets these days, that's all the freakin rage. Then what is it with this freakin country? You move two miles down the road and everyone has changed their God damned accent, and on top of that they've changed their eating habits too; from a black man's pudding to some Scottish bastard's egg or cricket ball, whatever it is? Where by the way, you have to go to the pub to watch any of your ‘cultured' sports on T.V., i.e. rugby or cricket. And what is that freakin cricket anyway, a game that never ends, no-one wins and ends up only spoken about because the whole freakin country has a almost perverted obsession with jelly babies, which by the way Dr. Who first instigated way back in jelly o' chocolate! Even fool here is hooked on them. So what do you do - you either go to the pub and spend your week's money in one sitting and a fix on glucose for the way home or stay sat at home watching daytime T.V., which hasn't changed since Joe Mangle's wife got shot whilst out duck shooting. Oh except now you have that bird that's on every show singing her new infuriating number, what's her name? Natalie Embryo - let me tell you, she was far better off being Plain Jane Super Brain in Neighbours with Joe's wife than she is at trying to be some dirty 30's ‘has been-never was' wank bank star - I'll give her what it freakin feels like! So I go to the shops and could I find Little Big Man on DVD anywhere? No, but that twat Kevin Costner's Dancing With Wolves is up for three quid in every freakin Woolworths. And if that wasn't all, the bloody soccer or football as you call it, season is starting this Saturday and don't we fucking know it - there's newspapers within newspapers from who's buying who in Darlington dip-shit FC to who snapped a lace in a warm up game in freakin fucking God damned it China - I ask you. And to top it all today is my 70^th birthday, so fuck me do Baps and while you're at it give me another one because I'm going spare with all this carry-on.

Baps: Oooh Dustin, hoo hoo hee ha ughzzz, it was my 70^th this week too - what you ‘aving, it's on the house? Ha he hee ha - ere...don't!

Dustin: (Finishes his single malt, nudges the glass forward and says with a wink), Mine's a biggun Tootsie!

fool: Good God, that's it, fuck the narrator this is pure class?

Narrator: (From a distant corner of the pub yells) One night with Baps and I'm back.

fool: Done.

Dustin

So, as the entrance to cfn this week goes truly tits up or down as the case may be! Let's get quiztasticle:

1. Has Barbara Windsor ever been married in any of the Carry - On films?

2. In which Shakespeare play does a ghost walk on the battlements?

3. A skulk is the collective name for a group of which animal?

4. Darwin is the capital of which Australian state?

5. What was Gandhi's profession before politics?

6. If A is alpha and B is bravo what is J?

7. If music is to be played pianissimo, how should it be played? A) very loudly B) very softly C) with sudden force.

8. Name the three American states that have five letters in their name.

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results. I do.

Clue No.4 in the WHO AM I? And before I give it I think I made a mistake in the original clue, in that he was in fact born in 1943 and not 1940! - My apologies. So here is clue No.4, "I've been a singer a poet and probably one of Jim Beam's best advertisements!"

is it me?

Now folks; the steamy six:

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Every Sunday get as much Sangria and paella down your gullet for only 195,000vnd - in every currency that's a steal - don't make me come and find you - I found myself once...it was uncanny, it could've been me!

GTM: Garden & Leisure furniture built by the finest hand crafted pixies and shipped to your requirements. gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn - You design, they design, it's all a good show. But they don't build ships. Give them a call.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: August's meat tray is out and about - lamb shanks on offer here - check them in the classifieds.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am.

Al Frescos: Double your pizzas but only pay for one - every Tuesday - just nuts! Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

Plus there's more, more, more in the *classifieds pages.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week? *Digger & *Trigger reveal all in their weekly pages - good God, put it away man! Have now edited those pages so it is safe to view all the latest news from the AFL and the gee gee's Down Under.

Then there's the usual nonsense from the *Tit-bits pages, which always racks a laugh, to *Fishman's tales, *Grub - Up (Oh, sorry, new one next week, trout I think!) and guess what - cold beans aint hot - but apart from that, Dem Dere *Bongo Massif Bro's are as coming, yo is a promising dudes...

Meanwhile Mr. Meaner has written in, again, to tell cf that when he played Radar in M*A*S*H  he was big fan of Barbara Windsor in the Carry - On films whilst watching them in his own mess tent and that Hoffman better his grubby Ratzo hands off her.

But now let's get the run-down on the rugfly:

"Ask the Wales boys, as they pull on their red jerseys, if they feel remotely friendly towards us at Twickenham, of course not." - said Dally before England's 62-5 rout over a weakened and ultimately weak Welsh side. - Doesn't have to be Twickenham, says everyone else!

Gareth ‘Legend' Edwards was nothing short of dismayed and walked out of his living room when it got to 50, and said of the dozing Dragons, "That was a slight on the players who have shed blood, sweat and tears in this great fixture over more than 125 years." - Exactly, regardless whether it was in the balmy English heat of an August sunny day (The only one) or in the usually frost bitten winter, they were crap.

But nevertheless some stuff was very good for a very seemingly fit again England side, although a tad difficult to gauge their perfections; the pack was awesome, with Dally quite rightly stating that keeping the ball up front is not all that bad; "If it is working, why would you change it?" - Is he scared of Easter? I don't think so. Shame Dan Ward-Smith had been injured and probably will not recover in time for the cut on 14^th August though.

Sgt. Wilko proved to be back to potential, and I don't mean with the boot, although he did notch up his 900 - second in line to Lynagh's 911 international points. - Wasn't he (Lynaugh) up-hill with Bob Dwyer?

Anyway, obviously no-one's getting too excited here, but the Wilko himself had a, as usual, a fucking boringly university educated balanced remark on things, "It's a great stepping stone for us. We gave ourselves something to look at - a chance to be more specific in training now that we have a reference point." - Bloody students!

It was good, it was a sniff, it has got people looking up, but is it winning rugby? Ashton liked most of what he saw, and the world would, should also be taking note of a powerful and fit pack but as the Ash reflected on the teams overall flair and vision: "There was a lack of ruthlessness after taking chances, with Jason Robinson on one occasion standing unmarked for 15 minutes from the Welsh line for 15 seconds, but the ball was repeatedly moved in the opposite direction, which is enough to annoy any coach." - And Robinson!

Wales certainly were taught a lesson in more ways than one; team selection and performance (two lessons), as boss Jenkins was heard to remark. And as Gareth Thomas, bally hero in anyone's book, said, "If we don't move on from here I don't know where we are going as a nation. The biggest sign of our pride is picking ourselves up from this.' - Will they meet again in the quarters? - I don't bleeding know!

Anyway, England go into Saturday's game against France with 11 changes and it's great to see Shaw get another crack. Sad to see Strettle with a broken metatarsal, good to see Catt set the world alight again at 35 - He's captain but as Ashton stressed, "Mike Catt will captain the side but Laurie leads the side anyway." - Try and keep him off these pages.

In the French side, Frederik Michalak is back at No.10, and to be 111^th capped - equalling Sella's French record is Fabien ‘le jaw' Pelous, who also looks like Desperate Dan.

Always, always gonna be a battle this game, but Dally's recognised the world's interference in England's flaws and commented "We must be getting close to where we used to be. The better we play the more the rest of the world puts the boot in." - Yeah, you're crap, which means they must've been pretty good.

On that note and even with Ollie at fly and another new team I'll go England 24-17.

That's not all the rugby on offer this weekend, for Scotland take on the ‘quiet' Irish, who the fool has always said definitely has the side to win this trophy bar from the fact it has no strength in depth and if their talisman B.O.D goes then that's it. But as he said himself, - B.O.D not fool; "Why should we worry about who we play in this tournament. I think we will be giving plenty of the top sides sleepless nights hoping they will avoid us.' - Modest but accurate - providing he stays fit of course.

Which all in all obviously has nothing to do with this coming Scottish game, where it will nonetheless be good to see Chris Paterson at No.10 and not Gordon Brown - texture like son, as thought. And Jason White back with the arm band and Blair (Not Tony) at scrumhalf? - Getting myself far too confused.

Other rugby news is that quietly spoken David Campese has spoken out (Shock) about Eddie's involvement in the Boks squad, suggesting that, "All this talk about him showing the South African back line new running lines and how to utilise decoy runners is surely some kind of pre-tournament joke." - You've got to agree. - Jones last led a national side who lost eight or their last nine games and a Super 14 side who finished bottom this year!

Jones replied to critiscm about his national allegiance by saying, his involvement in the Bok squad is, ‘Not national-specific.' - He then said that if S.A. meet Australia in the quarters he will be 100% behind the Boks - obviously, or the murdering bastards will kill him.

Results: Argentina 70- 14 pretty Chile. Portugal 15-12 London Welsh. Portugal 22-20 Coventry.

Some news on Fiji, and this is excellent; if you've been following Fiji's fiasco recently you'll have noticed that the team will be curfewed in France, that officials were cleared of pot smoking at major games and most recently the FRU told the tour party to France that they can only have the minimum of tipples and then only on match days, and most definitely only extreme moderations of the traditional kava jungle juice. - Last week Peter Murphy their Irish/Australian unit manager was arrested for drink-driving! Secretary Sami Kailawadoko said, "The idea is to walk the talk."

keep to the path Fiji

Meanwhile Rupeni has been sacked as a professional from French Club Agen for simply not turning up for start of season training. Why would he? Hi didn't turn up for any Fijian qualifying games!

Ok, a snippet of cricket:

Lost all my notes on cricket - bugger - suffice to say the third and ultimately decisive Test for both England, India and cricket itself is at the moment at the Oval and if you were wondering - Ian bell was the jelly bean king - didn't she play tennis!

footballs back

India's bouncers

Other sports:

Golden boy of McLarens did win in Hungary didn't he - even after all the pre-race cheating and the telling of his boss to "Go fucking swivel". Was there a race?

go swivel dennis

But that's the fun, that's the hype, the adrenalin, the profession. Mistakes come from being under pressure. But as Lewis states time after time, "I get on with my job, I know how to win." - Smart, 22 year young slip of a lad, arse.

Whereas Alonso's all broken nails and saucer's of milk at table 12, saying stuff like, "I don't know how long I can carry on for three more years in this team." And, "I've got my work cut out for me in this team. In other years I have had an advantage and I only had to defend against my rivals. This season we're all very even and I'm a bit behind." - You'll be out and Button will be in soon mate.

And now it's time for the world news:

A hermit was arrested for speeding this week and was charged with reclusive driving!

Eating carrots will give you an all over sun tan, plus protect you from the effects of harmful rays - no, really am done with the Steve Irwin jokes - I'm just giving you some true medical advise.

In Hong Kong where space is tight and technology loose a desk top fridge, which holds one can, can be plugged into your computer. You may think one is worthless, but wait, it cools it in just five minutes, so you buy a crate of beer which can be designed as a seat because there's no other room in the office to put it then as soon as you've finished one can the next will be chilled enough and before you know it you won't be able to see your screen at all because you'll be sitting on the floor and probably pissed and have therefore theoretically finished work for the day. Buy one today it only costs £17.

chilled?

In Kaiserslautern in Germany police were called to a block of flats where a foul smell was wreaking through the stairwell. The smell led to a flat where the curtains were closed and the mail box full of week old post. Police feared the worse and broke in to find a man asleep with terrible smelling feet lying next to pile of dirty laundry! - Anyone you know?

how would this smell?

Tommy Cooper corner moment No.2: Phone answering machine message... "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

Binge drinking in Britain is rife by women in their 40's, well, more so than by women in their 20's. Get this; they can guzzle up to four pints a night. (For men it's eight) - Isn't that just called drinking? Boff Prof Shepherd from Cardiff University was funded by the Government's Alcohol and Education Research Centre to find if, well basically, if people drink! - Their inconclusive study found they do but it isn't known why! Prof Shepherd, "We speculate younger women have more responsibilities at home, and once the children have left home, the sky's the limit." - "But to be honest, we don't really know why." - It's great to know where your taxes are going eh. God I need a drink.

Matt Damon is the worlds top, sorry, Hollywood's film star top money spinner. Every dollar he earns he generates $29 in gross income. Brad's ratio is only 1-11. His old chic, not Angelina, but Jen's is 1-8 - the top chick giver backer - English gone to put. Need a break.

Women aren't keen on men to be masculine, especially when it comes to being a family man! A 500 person survey on chicks conducted by studies at Durham and St. Andrews Universities found that women folk didn't trust men with square jaws, big noses or small eyes, suggesting their features were recipes for potential love cheats, whilst girly looking blokes with fuller lips, big eyes and thinner brows are, ‘fit for the family." - It's a different breed isn't it?

Boffs in the US have made a battery fuelled lilo which has fitted propellers and joysticks in the arm rests and is on sale on-line for £75 - I'll find that address because that sounds great...for the pool, not the sea obviously...sharks!

Brian May...no, has...finished his PhD 30 years after starting it! The 60 year old rocker - I met him and his wife Anita, who used to run the Queen Vic way before Baps (another story). Anyway, he completed his 48000 word piece on Radical Velocities in the Zodiacal Dust Cloud - which show how dust clouds in the solar system move in the same direction as planets. No wonder it took him 30 bloody years. Brian said of his mind numbingly boring feat, "Two experts in this field will now grill me and probably give me hell. But I have a stoical view of life - that, it will be what it will be." - crazy little thing called May.

Leonid Stadnik, 36, is officially the world's tallest man standing at 8ft 5inches. He had a brain operation at 14 which stimulated a gland which controls growth. - Could they do the same to Tom Cruise?

feey size million

Bollywood are making a re-make of Casablanca with a Sri Lankan back drop as opposed to the WWII to move with the times - ‘play it again Sanjiv.' - sits back and waits for calls saying Sanjiv is not a Sri Lankan name...

Ok lastly a ghastly tale from Ayelsbury Bucks in England where the MD of a building firm performed his own DIY castration in the toilet of his home! The man was on a two year waiting list to have the op done on the NHS (yes, you get it for free in rip-off Britain, which is in actual fact what happened!), but he just couldn't wait - bless. Anyway, he found out how to do it off the net - amazing what crap you can get on the net isn't it! He sterilised everything and made a tourniquet out of rubber bands then lobbed off all his bits with a kitchen knife -it took him six bloody minutes - he then flushed them down the loo! He drove himself five miles to the hospital... I can't go on with this story, suffice to say he said he's now going to Thailand to finish off the ‘treatment' and said, "I want breasts and hips then I can be a real woman." - How do you get hips - what's he going to do, strap a couple of dead Thai's to his waist!

Think happy thoughts everyone - happy thoughts...beer.

Just cf it

cf