Crazy Fool's Newsround - 3rd - 9th April volume 324

3rd - 9th April volume 324
April, 09th 2009 06:23 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

Plus new radio show this week folks

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: 1766: Noon. The unforgiving sun beats down on fool and Captain Pugwash who have been captured by the Uauawankawanka tribe just off the Costa Rican coast…about 7000 miles off the Costa Rican coast, somewhere near Plymouth, England.

Narrator: Going anywhere with this fool?

fool: Just for tribal story about the related Forafora tribe.

Narrator: You’ll go blind. Let’s go to the quiz, there’s a good chap…

most women see lift

1. How many characters are there in the original Captain Pugwash series?

2. Titan is what colour?

3. What is a pickled gherkin made from?

4. Which ship sent the first S.O.S?

5. Who narrates Treasure Island other than Jim Hawkins?

6. Which word links a pastime, a small horse and a small falcon?

7. Which daily food includes the protein casein?

8. What story saw Sherlock Holmes’ first appearance? A) The Sign of Four B) The Hound of The Baskervilles C) A Study In Scarlet

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Ladies and gentlemen, eyes down for a full house as we move in for a ‘Cup of Tea’- Clue No.3, but first of all let’s take a gander at Clue’s ‘Kelly’s Eye’ and ‘One Little Duck’: Clue No.1: “A hybrid of arms, hair and coolness I carried a fiery beat.” – Clue No.2: “In my case six are better than two, although I do go by two names.” Here it is: Clue No.3 “Like one of fool’s pickled eggs I’m a great preservative, especially in Hindu mythology!”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 13 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those who know the way to Amarillo please let us know:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1 (1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1 (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1

Casualty: zip

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

Sheila: I’ve got high blood pressure and water retention. You know what that gives you?

Bren: Boiling water?

Dinnerladies

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME MORE NOUNS OF ASSEMBLANCE

A drunkship of cobblers

A sounder of wild boar

A nye of pheasants

A fall of woodcock

A sege of herons

A herd of curlews

fool’s Gold

Consecotaleophobia is having the fear of chopsticks

The record for eating 38 hard boiled eggs is 1minute 15 seconds

Women say on average 20,000 words a day compared to men’s 7000

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Hamburger

In the 13th and 14th centuries Turkic tribes known as Tatars roamed across the plains of what today is Russia. They were known for chopping meat (probably because it was tough), mixing it with spices, and eating it raw. This idea gravitated to the German town of Hamburg, which became famous for its beefsteak Tatar. So the hamburger’s origin actually comes from steak tatar (or tartar/e). The reason the American's in 1889 introduced the word Hamburger, was simply because they cooked the meet and needed a new term for it. It was then shortened to just "burger" in 1939 after someone introduced the "Cheese" burger as a bit of variety

(Ed: see, Bloke Down the Pub, I told you they came from Hamburg. Tartar for a bit)

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

What’s been stifling the fool’s goat this week, as it has many other a wick, is Thai Airways’ sudden cancellation of the 1805hrs Saigon to Bangkok flight, which now only operates via the later schedule of 2050hrs – oh la bloody-di-da – the 2050hr flight, how very frollickingly bourgeois – well what fricking use is that when you need to catch a connecting flight to Yondersville (Fuckit) to make a poundingly full-arse use of a weekend, let alone if you just capered for a knees in up the ‘oriental city’ itself – ‘one night in Bangkok and the world’s your lobster’ – pah, you’d be lucky to get one night in the terminal with a Puff o Pie and dry road to town by Thai’s Arse-ways at this rate. Of course, it’s only been the busiest flight this side of the 1975 evacuation, so how in Terry Jones’ juniper bushes does it make sense to bin it? – Thai Airways - BASTARDS!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

By far from being a camouflaged gun freak who hangs about at home in boots, fatigues and an army surplus khaki vest with the bath and sink plugs hanging from my neck, let alone donning a British Victorian red army tunic on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s, there is something very purposeful in ‘loading’ your TV remote control with new batteries, whilst holding the spares between your teeth – ‘Supersport 2 down in the lounge private fool. I repeat Supersport 2 is down’ – ‘Roger that Sir. Gentlemen, wait for it, wait for it…Load…Aim…First rank; FIRE. Second rank; FIRE…’

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #10 (which is really one of the original 9 – can you guess which one it is – is it one of your favourites?)

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: where all the best meat comes from – Got any pies?

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s there now – pretty good to catch all your sport on

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember; there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; round three buckle my shoe…no, no, hang on…

*Trigger: picks you a winner every week…

*cf's radio show: - OUT NOW– new and improved, with all the buttons – use them, they’re fun – This is the long forgotten Christmas show , but nay fear for the Easter edition will be out soon too!

*Tit-bits – .../...Jonathan Ross…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with bogies is still doing the rounds whilst fool steady’s his kitchen. I’m making it this weekend if you’re interested? – Made it, loved it, ate it all in one sitting – 750g’s of the beast! – Although it was without the pie, kidney’s and oysters.

*Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one. – Ode to a Pie coming soon

*old...Fishman...old...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks! But for now catch up on the exploding monkey, lesbian divers and may The Dog be with you! – fishman informs the fool the next catch is almost ready and should be on our shelves soon

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘for thine is the power, the glory and de beat’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie – on sale now for only 80,000vnd from the fool he-self or available at the Blue Gecko for 110,000vnd - packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – things that went baa and bleat… n’ya ha ha ha…n’ya ha ha ha - try one, you might like it! They’re wind free (almost)…n’ya ha ha ha…

Mr. Meaner: What next fool?

fool: Bring out the eggs.

Mr. Meaner: You can’t be serious

fool: Bring out the eggs

Mr. Meaner: cf’s pickled eggs now available in pub style, chilli and ginger – get ‘em before he makes something else

Now then, now then, now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move along now, there’s a good chap (ess):

The Super 14’s have mumbled past the midway point, and it’s about time someone told the fans. The Guinness Premiership and Heineken Cup are gearing towards their crescendo and the French Top14 are past their halfway but still won’t be finished for about another six months.

Plus, another ELV disgruntled viewer – can you guess who it is yet. Plus plus the first Lions team entry…which I’ve lost so instead will post Dally’s all time greatest England XV mate…

Super 14’s

The Force played the best game of Super 14’s yet, I’m sorry; the Force played their best game of S14’s yet with a very healthy win over the Reds 39-7. It has to be said that the Queenslanders were poor again through plenty of mistakes most notably kicking the ball away, which again from the ELV’s, which meant the ball spent most of the time in the air.

The Reds tried to move it but were cut down in the centres with no space. James O’Connor touched down first through some bad defence, with Drew Mitchell followed him in similar style. Tamati Horua took an inside pass to make it three, whilst Ryan Cross finished off a nicely spun move out to the left wing to notch up try No.4.

Blair Conner finally snuck one in the corner for the Reds after two previous attempts, but it was Haig Sare who drove home the final nail for the Force.

James Horwill said, “WE just didn’t turn up.” Whilst coach Phil Mooney kidded with facts; ‘Don’t count us out yet.” – ‘Ain’t nobody here but us chickens’ clucked the fool.

The Crusaders and Bulls got down and dirty in what was essentially a piss poor game, with the Crusaders taking it 16-13.

29 handling errors (16 from the Crusaders) were the order of the day where the Crusaders didn’t commit to the breakdown then didn’t follow through on plenty of attack plays which they effectively conjured. Meanwhile the Bulls pussy-footed around in the tackle which was very uncharacteristic of them.

Isaac Ross followed a MacDonald boot into the 22 and received a pass from Colin Slade to score the Crusaders only try. And good for Colin says fool, because there aren’t enough Colin’s in rugby these days. Who is there: Colin Meads, Colin Johnston…that’s it?

Wynand Olivier is fast making a name for himself in the Bulls camp; he broke a Bateman tackle then flung a floater for Ndungane to score and later got one himself on the 56^th minute. However, as gritty as the Bulls late barrage was, it was met with a hefty resilient Crusaders defence.

In the best game of the weekend the Sharks beat the Hurricanes to a nearly full house in Durban, 33-17.

It was a very physical, tough, nuggety bash up. Both sides wouldn’t normally give an inch and both were quite prepared to fight till the death here too, which the Sharks had to do, as their defence last ten minutes was testament.

The Hurricanes struck first as Faifili Levave made small talk of a John Smit tackle. Then a few kicks went over and not until the second half was the chalk line crossed again; early on Luzoko Valindlu took a short pass from a short lineout out and ran a long way (50m’s) to equal the tries scored. Steyn got another four minutes later after a fumbled high ball off Tamati Ellison, but the Hurricanes weren’t done for by a long way and hurtled back sustaining mountains of pressure on the Sharks, ultimately releasing Zac Guildford for a try.

Steyn immediately dropped a goal to keep the Sharks clear and with ten minutes to go they had to hold on by the skin of their Pearlies, where a lot of credit must go to Riaan Swanepoel for taking care of Nonu so effectively. Chris Jordaan touched down through yet another high ball cock up from the Hurricanes and as they say: it wasn’t all yellow!

In another cracker the Cheetahs had a storming game against the Brumbies in Bloemfontein but went down 27-40. However, it was the Blues, wearing white as well as the Cheetahs who also wore white, who scored first by a foot shuffle and slight of dummy to break the line from the Lealiifano chap.

The Cheetah’s powered back through raw strength in the scrum and some pacey outsiders, in which saw Nokwe score after a free flowing move. The Brumbies were rattled and just after half time, where both teams were still wearing white, Gerrard gathered a chip and chase and then a dribble from his own 22 and somehow the resulting score seemed a tad unfair.

The Cheetahs then ran out of puff and lock Peter Kimlin and half back Josh Holmes both scored to wrap the game.

The Chiefs took care of the Lions…finally, in Hamilton 39-29. The Lions were excellent and up 29-10 with 20 minutes to go, but then they died on their feet leaving the Chiefs to play sensible and patient rugby.

The Chiefs are a shining dark horse for this championship, who in all their erratic rugby never give up, keep their composure and are currently top scorers and top try scorers so far. Mind you it was Pretorious who snuck through the 10/12 gap and handed Jana Veermak the first points. The Chiefs then threw the ball about going nowhere fast till Sweeney (Todd) found the gap and sprinted 40m’s for the try.

The Lions weren’t having any of that and Luis Ludvik turned ball over, it was spun wide, Henno Mentz grubbed it and Jaque Fourie was there to touch down. Soon after Earl Rose, sure he was in Star Wars, accepted a pass from Donald and headed off on an 80m jaunt.

Now the Lions were done on their feet and the free kicks came, the tackles slipped and before you knew it Sweeney had another try followed by Jackson Willison, Hika Elliott and yet a third from the ‘Flying Squad’

Lastly the Tah’s beat the Stormers 12-6 in Sydney, which helps them quietly stay in the top four whilst the Capetonians are pretty much out of the running.

The Tah’s have the ability to steal and secure ball and are looking to throw wide. Halangaha is also a good asset, and especially will be when he learns to kick, but it has to be said that for both sides the set pieces smacked of a lottery. Lachie Turner got both tries for the Sydney-siders, his first the best from a jink, a chip, a chase and a 50m jolly up-field. His second came from the chase on a Beale boot on the 76^th minute.

Top14

Bourgoin beat Dax 43-6 with three tries in the last ten minutes. Dax going down? Yep/ Toulouse took care of Brive 42-10 with five tries and Skrela performing wonders/ A big result from Toulon kept them in the running with a 33-20 win over Montauban. Jerry got two here – one assist from Tana and Sonny Boy Williams put Luke Rooney clear for their third!/ Perpignan 44 Mont-de-Masan 3. I want to go to Perpignan for my holidays again/ Monpellier slid to Castres 21-23 with four minutes to go; Beauxis kicked everything except the winner on the 80^th minute and guess what? The Bastreud scored again/ Bayonne lost to Biarritz 15-19 or should I say to Yachvili who scored a try converted and hit a penalty – oh yeah, Traille dropped a couple of goals.

Guinness Premiership

London Irish sent Bristol packing to Division one with a 38-21 win prompting Paul Hull the Bristol coach to tell his troops, “Be prepared for war’ – in the old days you’d just get…/ Worcester beat Saracens 22-8, which beggars belief according to Mike Ruddock, “This season we’ve beaten Champions Wasps, seen off Gloucester and sunk Saracens but failed to achieve such results consistently/ Quins look good for the play-offs after beating Bath 19-3/ Leicester held Sale 37-31/ And Northampton said ta ta to Gloucester 40-22.

Some Shorts:

English prop Julien White received his fourth red card for Leicester for punching and knocking down 20st mauler Andrew Sheridan. Two weeks for him

Andy Farrell and Cobus Visagie are both hanging up their boots for Saracens and going into coaching duties – ‘To me, to me, swing her round, that’s it, keep her coming, keep her coming…’

Josh Lewsey’s still in Ian McGeechan’s mind for the Lions tour even though he’s retired. McGeechan’s only requirements were; “I’ve told him he has got to be playing well first and foremost.”

Georgia look set to join the Churchill Cup and yet there is still no place for the Argies in a comp! Meanwhile Big Frank Hadden has been dumped by Scotland with Andy Robinson looking set to replace him.

Lastly Sean Fitzpatrick is the latest to blast the ELV’s; “In terms of what I am seeing in terms of Super 14’s compared to the Premiership of Heineken Cup, it is quite clear one game is better than the other.

What’s happening in Super 14’s is lacking structure. Unfortunately with the short arm penalty it encourages teams and players… to cheat.”

In specific relation to the recent Chiefs and Blues game of 63-32 he said, “The ELV’s and some coaches are encouraging our younger guys to play helter skelter rugby which is fantastic at schoolboy and club level but against the big boys in international rugby it won’t wash.”

Heineken Cup this weekend: Cardiff v Toulouse/ Leicester v Bath/ Munster v Ospreys/ Harlequins v Leinster – fill in your own predictions please

Lost this week’s Lions entry, so here’s Dally’s all time England XV: 15. Cip 14. Jason Robinson 13. Guscott 12. Greenwood 11. R. Underwood 10. Sgt. W 9 Matt Dawson 1. Jason Leonard 2. Brian Moore 3. P. Vickery 4. Jonno 5. W.Dooly 6. Hill 8. Dean Richards 7. Winterbottom

I’m done.

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get. Please call now: please, someone call…in the meantime if you want to send in your Lions team and it has 8 names the same as fool’s in the starting 15 then fool will post it and you’ll win a free t-shirt! – In fact I’ll post them all and free t-shirts for everyone…ha ha ha…nurse…clue: not Cip.

Back to this shite: John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Will have to come back to this bit – not sure I’ve got time this week! – No sorry, no time – been Tom Dick

That’s it.

got any eggs?

Other sports:

See above!

2 eggs sunny side up

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

This week; the British Home Office website directed its users to a Japanese porn site. After a lengthy and careful study a spokesman said, “There was a link on the page that said Technical Advisory Board website. But when you clicked on the link it took you to the porn.” The MI6 looked into this as did the MI5 and no doubt the whole of the House of Lords

In comparison it is founded that British boobs are getting bigger, but the customer may not have realised. Women under 30 have been averaging a 36 inch bust but after endless make over bra related shows on TV women have found themselves to be a 34 but a D instead of a C cup, which would be a happier fit. Make any sense? Who cares, they’re bigger – wahoo.

Meanwhile if you don’t want to put all your eggs in one basket try the new Selfridges Easter egg at a snip of only ₤1000, which top knobs at the firm say, “Will make a great investment.” Gold has gone up 75% since 2005 and this little bunny has a troy ounce gold coin in it worth ₤900 and that’s likely to double this year according to Swiss Bank UBS. A Selfridges knob said, “Don’t invest in the stock market this Easter; invest in the golden egg instead.” – If I were you I’d invest in fool’s gold…pickled eggs.

If you can’t afford gold go green. Stipa Gregavescvic is an organic poultry farmer in Croatia and his prize winning hen has just started laying green eggs…no, honest…don’t go…How about a new fish called Colin. It’s true. The supermarket didn’t like its real name which is pollacks, a kind of cod but cheaper, so they called it Colin, which is French for hake. It even comes in Jackson Pollack design packaging…don’t leave me…

Ok, Brits use 13,000 carrier bags in a lifetime, which is about a week’s worth in Vietnam – when we getting that sorted Rod; you’re the man who can sort that, get on the blower to the Vietnamese Home Office. Anyway that’s about 9.9billion bags at an average of 160 a year. Each home would have about 40 stashed away somewhere. Environment Minister Jane Kennedy said, “We simple can’t continue. It’s such a huge waste.”…muffle, muffle… ‘Yes, that’s it Roger, be sure to wrap that cling film tight you beast…’ – That was the naked Environment Minister Jane Kennedy cling-filmed to a chair. And now this…

Couples have on average 156 arguments a year, which is about two full days worth and they’re the entire woman’s fault. Here’s the top ten: 1. Not listening to each other (woman) 2. Lack of money (woman) 3. Being ignored (woman) 4. Domestic chores (woman) 5. Parenting style (woman) 6. Spending too much money (woman) 7. Nagging (WOMAN) 8. The mother-in-law (Hippo) 9. Lack of sex (PS3) 10. Who done the most (man).

According to PS3pricecompare.co.uk one in three British men prefer video games to a cheeky bit of how’s your father with her indoors, suggesting they’re ‘hard to please’ and ‘not as much fun’. Mike Elsmore, the PS3 developer said, “I like most other men am an avid gamer, but eve I find these results startling.” Never seen one let alone played with one – PS3, PS3.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! One of John Lennon’s school reports read, “definitely on the road to failure.”

fool’s not happy with the Gaul of the French at the moment; they’ve taken it upon themselves to perform public sex acts and dogging at their local World War I Memorial sites. Two couples were recently caught on the plinths of a monument in northern France, 1917 Battle of Vimy Ridge, which commemorates the 60,000 Canadian troops who fell in the Great War, where the husbands filmed their wives taking off their skirts and tops to reveal no underwear and would have gone farther unless a guard hadn’t stopped them. The judge said, “There’s been a rise in the number of people who seem to take some kind of perverse pleasure in performing sex acts at sensitive sites that should be shown the utmost respect.” – They were fined ₤550 a couple and told to pay ₤1 in a symbolic gesture to Canada. World’s gone soft eh Faulty.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.”

On a stranger note, German bloke Paul Ludwig 69 climbed 40ft up a tree in a forest in Bruckberg, Germany, tied himself to the trunk and shot himself leaving a note saying, ‘Don’t look for me - You won’t find me.’ – That was 29 years ago. His bones starting falling out of the tree and folk did find him, but not all at once. So there Paul.

can'tsee the woods for the baby

The only recorded surviving father and son shark attacks at different times happened recently, well, dad got bit 17 years ago and kicked the fish away. Mum, saved him by bandaging his wounds in son’s nappies. Dad is Ian Gailbraith, mum is mum and son is Calvin. Calvin recently got chomped by a 7ft Bull shark on a surfing trip in Aus and kicked the shark away too. When dad got to see Calvin in hospital with his three toes reattached and leg wounds bandaged he said, “Oh, no, not again.” Calvin on the other hand admitted defeat by saying, “We’ve both got a story to tell now, but I think his bite is bigger than mine so he wins.” – But you’ll be back next year for another go at getting eaten right Calvin?

Meanwhile a dog called Sophie Tucker, who gives their pets second names? Anyway Sophie got washed overboard on a boat trip off Queensland and was feared drowned but turned out she swam 5 nautical miles and lived on a remote island for four months. The Blue Healer, which is a cross between an Alsatian and a dingo survived by instincts and eating goats and koalas. Owners Jan and David Griffith said, “Despite being an old sea dog, she gave us a slurp on the cheek and has settled back into life with us like you would not believe.” – ‘Fido, biscuit or baby Sophie?’

The Japanese have made a pillow for the lonely. It has a built in arm for tossing…no, sorry a built in arm for wrapping around you at night.

Ooh cold arns

Cops were dumbfounded in Alice Springs Australia when a woman who was drunk and breast feeding her five month baby old at the wheel of her car nearly smashed into them. The 19 year old piled out of the Gap View Hotel in an unregistered car, with no insurance and who was already disqualified. She was incapable of taking the breathe test and not keen to let go of the baby. – Let’s not judge her – we’ve all been there.

Ok lastly Brit boffs in Belfast have invented a spray that’ll keep the old chap active for up to six times longer. 300 men across Europe with impotence problems took part in the survey and were asked to spray their todgers before sex and hit the stopwatch button. 90% got up to four minutes and said it was ‘excellent’. Boff Wallace Dunsmore of the Royal Vice Hospital Belfast (vice) said, “The spray improved sexual performance and satisfaction and was well tolerated by both parties, with no systemic side effects.” – Who were the women or was it just one…?