Crazy Fool's Newsround - 3rd - 10th April 08 volume 278

3rd - 10th April 08 volume 278
April, 10th 2008 06:50 AM

That was the week weren't it:

The scene: It’s the London Marathon and the guest starter this year is Charlton Heston. He’s chatting to some of the contestants who are going to run in fancy dress. He sees fool dressed as Death from the Four Horse Riders of the Apocalypse.

Charlton: Don’t I recognise you?

fool: Oh, don’t you start!

Narrator: - Roll the quiz…

1. What is used to start a boat race?

2. What type of animal is a Sooty Mangebey?

3. Which drink was advertised as, ‘drunk for a penny; dead drunk for tuppence’?

4. Who was president of the Philippines from 1965-1986?

5. Which complaint was the Jacuzzi originally developed to help?

6. What is the start of Psalm 23?

7. What was a gulag in Russia?

8. What type of dive is allowed only in platform diving? A) Armstand B) Reverse C) Twist

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com if you think you know the answers. (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Still no cigars to these two little beauts: clue No.1: “When the balmy Californian heat gets too much I tend to take a bat from my car and go and bash up some baddies and make out vigilantilism is just a way to let off steam.” – Some creditable answers but alas, no cigars. Onto clue No.2: “After picking myself up again I landed myself a right little beauty.” – Eagle et Dracule et all equally stumped - Onto clue No.3: “I think one of my old man’s ‘sparring’ partners copped it this week!”

is it me?

Scores at the end of week 14 in the 2008 series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in. And for the hard of seeing; SUB POINTS ARE IN THE BRACKETS

Dracule: 8 (1)

Legal Eagle: 5 (none)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Marc the quiz king: another fine attempt buy nay (nipple)

Casualty: zippo - dippo (zilch-o)

Others: is there anybody out there…out there… (no one here, it’s just me)

Quote of the week:

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it.

Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

- Homer Simpson

*Non-descript trivia moment*

Some Chemical Acronyms

TCP…Trichlorophenylmethyiodosalicyl…germicide

TNT…2,4,6-Trinitromethylbenzene…explosive

PCP…Phencylidine…hallucinogen

LSD…Lysergic Acid diethylamide…hallucinogen

DDT…Dichlorodiphenytrichloroethane…insecticide

GTN…Glyceryl Trinitrate…cardiac medication

fool's Gold

Some toothpaste contains crushed volcanic stone

Taramasalata, a type of Greek salad, and Galatasaray, a Turkish football club, each has an ‘A’ for every other letter

Rabbits have been know to reach a speed of 47mph

Dr. Phil O'logy: our Wordman's word of the week:

Dr. Phil always thought it had something to do with getting slapped in the face by a fish' but the story goes that Hiram Codd patented a bottle for fizzy drinks with a marble in the neck, which kept the bottle shut by pressure of the gas until it was pressed inwards. Wallop was a slang term for beer, and Codd's wallop came to be used by beer drinkers as a derogatory term for weak or gassy beer, or for soft drinks.

Thanks Dr. Phil.

Things that are really getting up my nose, on my goat and on my wick this week:

Riding to work in sunny Saigon at 7a.m. in the blazing heat and passing other commuters on their Honda fake Waves, wearing coats!… Not the odd light anorak, or wind breaker, but heavy duty winter coats…with hoods! – It’s 70ºf with 30% humidity at that time in the morning you idiots – the sun’s been awake and up and at ‘em for a couple of hours numbskulls… then you stop under a tree’s shade at the traffic lights, instead of making it to the actual freaking line in case you might get sun burn, nearly causing a pile up doing so – seriously, how did you win a war people! – Don’t even get me started how you can’t even be bothered to wait at traffic and just toodle off when you’ve had enough, taking a whole pack of lemmings with you… Nurse… Nurse…!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and wine by the bucket. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon, Vietnam this side of Spain. - Which is just to the right of Vietnam – I think!

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Particularly like the new sand-pits dude.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy. P.s. Can't wait for the new recipe book too! – How was Morocco?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: This week I've been eating my steak with beans – “More beans Mr. Taggart? I think you’ve had quite enough son!” They're in the*classifieds. Call them for their meat list – they deliver – they're great – available in Saigon, Vietnam now. Check out their meat on kimhai@media.net.vn

We Are Pleased To Announce the Opening of Our

Butchery & Delicatessen

Conveniently Located, at 41 Nam Ky Khoi Nghia Street , District 1, Ho Chi Minh City .

(Nearby intersection of NKKN St and Nguyen Cong Tru St )

Opening 14th February 2008 from 8.30am-8.00pm

Tel:+848 8216057 or 9144376

Email:info.kimhai@media.net.vn

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

*classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Don’t forget…There’s a lot more in the menu on the left.

*Digger; has all the rounds ups from the AFL

*Trigger: The Joy Saluterer and the fool saluterer you too

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in… oh sod it, it’s coming ok - hold on to your flab. - Maybe April! – Honestly, it’s coming…

*Tit-bits – A London lawyer/…

*New edition –Vic Bitter's 70’s music memoirs and more

*Grub–Up – * New* -with Nigella Lawson’s prawns, Vietnamese sauce and black rice – it’s hot.

Poetry Corner: Reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, Feb ‘08’

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – You frock. - Don't forget their marmalade session on crazy fool's radio show coming soon – don't miss em, they rock.

Mr. Meaner... I can’t keep this up much more!

mr. meaner

Now;

This is the rugby bit for rugby folk and all; if you’re not keen move on:

It’s a ruggerflyby time; and just what did happen this week?

Orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? – No thanks, I’ll have a Heineken, no, make that four!

Game 1:

London Irish had more than a surprised win over Perpignan, 20-9, in their quarter final match at the Madejski Stadium, which was nice.

They did it by securing ball through some excellent lineout work then threw it about in the backs.

Catt instigated initial proceedings before he went off injured then ex Tah and Wallaby Peter Hewat took over. Peter spoke for the whole Club when he said, “It was a first Heineken Cup quarter final and it will be our first semi final. The club is just ecstatic.” – On drugs.

They’ll play their semi against Toulouse at Twickenham, which is just down the road, so practically a home game!

Game 4:

I’d better tell you that Toulouse beat Cardiff Blues, 41-17 in French-land. And with a 4-2 try count it, surprisingly, wasn’t emphatic, but CB boss Dai Young did say this, “I don’t think the result reflected the game but it did show that we were second best.”

Dai went onto explain why he’s now backing the French outfit to win the whole bloody thing; “For anybody doubting Toulouse, they proved they are still a force in Europe with that performance. They had control; they were clinical and kept the scoreboard ticking over. They have a great balance between their forwards and backs.’

Toulouse boss Guy Noves was a little more pragmatic, “Although we are very pleased with the result, this is European rugby and it’s all or nothing. We have a semi final to prepare for and if we lose that then we finish the season with nothing.”

Quarter 2:

Munster didn’t really turn any heads at Kingsholm by beating Gloucester 16-3, But Gloucester will be annoyed they didn’t get on the try sheet.

Three early penalty misses by Chris Paterson almost stamped their game. When Ronan returned an equal amount with ease you knew it would be uphill for the club who started the first half of the season so well.

It was a feisty match with a couple of Islanders swinging early on in the guises of Vainikolo and Rua Tipoki. Once both teams settled down into some rugby the Munster defence was solid, as Gloucester were forced to set the pace.

Then Munster scored a cracking try that started on their own goal line, lasted two minutes and went through 14 phases. From then on in they sat back and held off wave after wave of West country attack, but then when you have experience in likes of O’Connell, O’Callaghan, O’Gara and ‘O’’Howlett, you can do that!

Game 3:

Shocker of the finals so far was Saracens beating Ospreys 19-10 at Vicarage Rd. It was a big, big effort with some immense tackling and pure John Wayne True Grit.

Glen Jackson controlled the game from fly whilst that old legend Richard Hill defied his years and showed why he is still one of the best backrowers the world has ever seen.

On a snow swept pitch the final Osprey’s pass let them down, but they were out flanked, out thought and out manoeuvred in every other department, with Richard Haughton showing why he is no ‘side show Bob’!

Semi’s coming soon – you work ‘em out!

S14’s part viii:

The Cheetah’s beat their bogey of 2008 and finally won a game, thumping the Reds 29-14 in the Vodacom Park Stadium, Bloemfontein. They got two tries in the first eight minutes and the Reds didn’t know what hit them come half time at 17-0.

Latham went off and looks like he could be out for the season then Cordingly went off and doom and further gloom beckoned and soon Vermulen made it 24-0.

Credit to the beligeaured Reds who came back with two corner tries, which were duely converted by the sublime Schifocfske. But then the Cheetah’s got their bonus point on full time with a try from a kick and touch down by JW Jonker. – That’s a Luftwaffe dive bomber isn’t it!

Cordingly said afterwards, “I think there was a lack of enthusiasm earlier in the game, we were out-enthused by the Cheetahs.”

Latham vowed the Reds haven’t seen the last of him, “I’m not going to let my career for the Reds end in Bloemfontein.” – You couldn’t. I’d play with one leg, so long as it wasn’t my last game in Bloemfontein.

The Force sneaked past the Bulls with a last gasp try in the corner from Ryan Cross, despite two crackers earlier on from Habana.

With they’re incessant attacking in this game the Bulls let themselves down by yet another yellow, making it seven from eight games. – Gotta have discipline boy, gotta have discipline.

Chiefs beat the Brumbies in Canberra 42-28, their first time there since ’99. Their bonus point in the six try to four fest could put them in the play offs too!

Sivivatu looks to be making a comeback and that baldy Leonard still looks likely to start No.9.come the June All Black’s Tests.

Hurricanes and the Sharks shared the first draw of the season 13-13 in the wet n windy Westpac Stadium, which means the Sharks are still undefeated.

But there was controversy; it had a yellow card, a red card, a penalty try and some very ropey decisions. A head butt by Epi Taione on Hurricane Jeremy Thrush was a classic, but the biggest hype surrounded a last second inside pass from Shannon Paku to Conrad Smith, which was intercepted, but went backwards by Terblanche, which Thomas Waldrom dived on – no try was given, no knock on, not even a penalty for deliberate interception – just the final whistle – how crook is that, especially considering that Waldrom prick has been in fool’s fantasy side all fricking season and never scored a single point!

Lastly the Tah’s seem to have got their offensive confidence back with a five try rout over the Blues, 37-16. That was their first offensive bonus point of the season.

David Lyons won his 100^th S14 ‘cap’, Flavell and Carter had an almighty head clash, Nathan Sharpe swore all afternoon and fat man from the Waratah’s side, Polota Nou ran in a 30m dash to score a great try for big fella’s all round.

Shorts:

New Zealand ended their 47 win romp in the IRB World 7’s series with a defeat against the MB’s in Adelaide 15-7 – oh dear, what a shame, never mind.

The mass exodus continues; All Black vice-captain, Jerry Collins, “It isn’t a secret I see myself leaving. I would love to take part in the European Cup, which I watch on T.V. Either in England or in France, we will see.”

Major players in Europe since the World Cup; Mauger, Jack, Kelleher, Oliver, McAllister.

28 year-old Natal Shark and MB BJ Botha is poised to go to Ulster – should feel at home!

And, the England managerial saga rolls on. Three weeks of silence and rumours have eeked the probability of two jobs on offer – one is most definitely in the bag for a boss role in Jonno and the other as an attack coach for either Ashton or Shaun Edwards.

Ashton’s getting a lot of sympathy, so he should, especially from Strettle who blames coming second in both the World Cup and the Six Nations on the player’s inability to play for the 80 minutes.

But the best praise, and from a horde of players, came from Sgt. Wilko, about Jonno, “He’s an uncompromising, ruthless individual, when you need that, but away from the game he’s a guy who is understanding and emphatic. His man-management skills are second to none.” – Check out his book in cf’s book club, if you’re looking for motivation.

John Smit’s bloody on going films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV – : Will be finished sometime in 2008!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool's thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. 1.

Other results:

Some Heineken Cups: London Irish 20-9 Perpignan/… Munster 16-3 Gloucester/… Cardiff Blues 17-47 Toulouse/… Saracens 19-10 Ospreys

Some Internationals: Baa Baa’s Edinburgh Academicals

Britain EDF Trophy: final next week

England Prem; na

France; Pro D2 11eme: nope

France Top 14: non

Ireland's AIL level 1; na

Italy; Coppa de Italia: I dunno-a

Japan Top League: Haiiii Ya

Magners League: nope

Scotland's premiership: nay

Super 14's: all done

Netherlands: pass de duchy pan de left hand side

Spain's Div D Honour 11: no one expects the…

Principality Building Society prem: no

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England’s top players are starting to grumble about not being allowed to play in the upcoming IPL Champs.

Big stars in the comp will make about £300k over the six week tournament, which starts next week, and some English players have spoken of risking defying Peter Moores’ strict instructions of not to play, even to point of being warned that renewal of their contracts come September might not happen if they do so.

Dimitri Mascharenas is the only fella going so far, and although the likes of KP are keen for it he also realises his England career could be in jeopardy.

Then again, they are professionals and as he says, “There are guys in our team who could be earning a lot of money.”

A few teams are owned by Bollywood Babes – phoarrr!

As the English cricket season opens today, county Champs Sussex play MCC at Lords, as is tradition, but according to the ‘bible’, Wisden says there’s trouble under foot.

“The day is approaching when a high profile televised match will see an outbreak of violence.”

And with the recent Symonds & Singh-gate they reckon it could be cricket on the brink!

In the 145^th consecutive edition it also stated that MB Jacque Kallis was the World Cricketer of the Year.

And that’s it for this week

Till next week…

Other sports:

The Ham came in 13^th in Sakhir in Bahrain and quite rightly so said, “That was a disaster.”

Massa won it and Raikonnen heads the leader board, but the Ham is miffed - but not too worried, “It was inevitable this was going to happen because I had such a good run in F1. This is all part of it. I messed up at the start and I didn’t hit the switch early enough.” – You gotta hit the switch Hammy, hit the bloody switch.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

A Durham University study of 700 heterosexual men in their early 20’s confirmed that men prefer a short term sexual relationship and women are keener for a long-term partner. And we pay for student studies to tell us this - Get a fucking job!

David Beckham is the person most Bulgarian porn stars want to sleep with - yep, people got paid to go to a Bulgarian porn fair to find this information out. Next on the list was Hungarian footballer Dimitar Berbatov.

Porn stars Dara Meszarus and Maria Belluci both agreed, “As sportsmen they are just ahead of surfers in the cool stakes and they both have great bodies.” – How do you work out your porn name again – isn’t it your first pet and road you lived in – mine is Ritz Woodside

Norm Moreen 39 leapt on a 6ft croc who had grabbed hold of his wife Wendy Pethric 36 and poked it in the eyes till it swam away. She said, “I’m lucky to be alive thanks to Norm. I was standing on the bank washing my face when the crocodile grabbed my leg and dragged me in.”

“I’m a bit sore and bruised. I’ve got a lot of teeth marks in both my legs and a lot of bruises, but I’m going to be ok. I’m lucky to have a husband like him.” Norm said I didn’t think twice.” - When asked why Wendy hasn’t got the same surname he said, “I’m happy with Moreen and I’m sure she be would too, and I don’t give a XXXX to just anyone!

Aussie MP Ann Bressington thinks that women should sign an agreement before having sex to stop false accusations of rape. She said, “Men should carry a contract around in their pocket next to their condoms.” – Norm: You promise? Wendy: of course I will, just get this thing off of me. Norm: Just sign here.

cf's book club

Until it gets its own page, here's week's 1 – 12:

Starting with Week 2: Mark Hadden's - The Curious Incident With The Dog in the night-time a rather curious tale about a demented kid! – rating: 4.

Week 1 (Confused now eh!) Ben Elton's; The First Casualty – If a word can paint a thousand pictures then Telly Savalas should have written this - rated in at 5.

For a number three spot on the board this week, fool is going to throw in The Essential Dave Allen; edited by Graham McCann – rated at 3 and curiously enough 4.

And in at No.4: Martin Johnson's autobiography; Good read, but I tell you what, it's all about 'me, me, me', 'I did this.' And, 'I did that...' - rating 4.

Week 5: The General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious PIRATES by Captain Charles Johnson – arghhh, a number 3.

In at week No.6 I'm going to add The Cortigo Romero Book of Recipes – to find out more click on Bootlace Holidays link on the right.- rating:3

Week 7: Forgotten Voices of the Great War by Max Arthur...a poignant tale of historical value told by dems dat were dere. Rated at a 4.

Week 8: Ben Elton's (again) Dead Famous – Wind yourself up to some non-credit wankers whom Ben manages to pin point with accurate precision. Particularly love the bitch character Geraldine Hennessey. Rated at 5.

Week 9: Horrible Histories; Rotten Romans – fantastic series for kids of all ages. Written by Terry Deary and illustrated by Matthew Brown...I think. Rated at 3

Week 10: Penguins Stopped Play eleven village cricketers take on the world by Harry Thompson – cricket at its best, in its quite essential way of course...no, fuck that - simply one of the most entertaining books fool's ever read, whether you like cricket or not. Rated in at 5

Week 11: Dispatches by Michael Herr – a war correspondents scribbles in the Vietnam/American war. A real insight. Rated at 3

Week 12: If I die in a Combat Zone by Tim O’Brien – another Nam yarn, but it does carry your woes into a levelled perspective. – rated 3.

The Ratings go as thus:

1. Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XXVIII: Pink Floyd will re-unite if they can agree on the right charity to donate proceedings to. Drummer Nick Mason said, ‘I’m pretty sure we’ll play together again.’ They haven’t spoken since Live8 2005 when Dave Gilmour and Roger Waters fought for the rights to the name. Nick exclaimed, “We’re not at each others throats now.” – It’ll all end in tears.

The Olympic torch has been doing its rounds of the 20 countries to visit before Beijing. It went through London surrounded by ‘athletes’, who Sebastian Coe called hired thugs. The members of the Peoples Armed Police got into the country under the jurisdiction of athletes shepherding the torch and have been protecting the flame from pro-Tibet demonstrators, some of who even tried to douse the torch with fire extinguishers.

The idea of the torch relay was invented by a Nazi called Carl Diem who introduced it to the Berlin Olympics 1936. It came from Greece to Berlin and represented the progression of Adolf Hitler’s superior race. It has its own hotel room and three guards to guard it round the clock. It’s been snuffed out twice, by wind, in the ’76 Montreal Olympics and again in Greece in 2004. It’s on its way to Paris then San Francisco where Richard Gere said he was going to fart on it.

Charlton Heston is still dead, but before the ex president of the National Rifle Association popped his clogs he did say this, “I’ve had such a wonderful life! I’ve lived enough for two people!” – Which was bit greedy. And Robin Williams said, ‘The American constitution gives you the right to bare arms… and the right to arm bears!’

Boffs will soon be able to stick crystals containing calcium into cavaties, which will grow back teeth. Prof Sally Marshall of the University of California San Francisco said, “We can reminerilse them.” – Was Charlton Heston in El Cid?

Barbera Streisand and Robert Redford’s kiss in the 1973 film The Way We Were has been voted the most romantic ever.

Heats are taking place for the world annual wife carrying competition. In Singleton Australia this weekend expats take on the Aussies in the 240m dash, which includes log jumps, limbo bars and a couple of water hazards. The winner gets to go to Finland where the competition started, where they can compete for the world title. The winner’s prize is their wife’s weight in beer.

Josef Hellor 44 walked out of the toilet at a guest house he was staying in Australia just as a 47st boulder crushed it. - Which was pretty lucky!

David Heely from West Bromwich England is 50 and ran seven marathons in a week to raise £1m for charity – It was only meant to be one but he didn’t know where to stop.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; Universal truth: ‘You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.’

John Cleese has said he’ll offer his services as speechwriter to Barack Obama because he thinks, “he is a brilliant man.” – The 68 year-old lives in California now and says, “I only go back to England in May or June when my personal assistant tells me it is safe to do so.” – He doesn’t like the cold, he has a bad chest.

Pamela Anderson on the other hand has a lovely chest and she shows it off quite regularly. This week the 40 year-old showed all her bits to Hugh Hefner, as it was his 82^nd birthday. She danced for him naked. She walked into his hotel suite wearing only a pair of high heels. Manager George Maloof 43 said, “He was stunned and had the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.” – Where was George?

John Lennon was once unwittingly escorted by police from a drugs den because a bunch of screaming women had gathered outside. They drove him home with 1lb of dope in his pocket, where upon the source of the story Tony Booth 76, ex PM Tony Blair’s father-in-law, said, “he killed himself with laughter.” – Cannabis law downgraded under labour… PM’s outlaw dad smoked pot with that bloke that was bigger than Jesus… must be a connection somewhere.

Ok, lastly, sex and risking money have finally been linked in the brain. When shown erotic pictures, men offer larger financial stakes than, say if they were shown scary pictures. Both, financial risk and sex, light up the same part of the brain. Caroline Kuhmen of the Northwest University said, “There is an evolutionary sense for both money and women. They trigger the same brain area.”

Psychologist Brian Knutson said, “It didn’t matter if the sexy woman didn’t tell you anything about the odds of winning a roulette game. What really matters is the sexy woman is giving an emotional input. That bleeds into you financial decision.” – That’s it, I’m opening a naked casino, and I didn’t need Durham University to tell me that!