Crazy Fool's Newsround - 31st Oct - 6th Nov 08 volume 304

31st Oct - 6th Nov 08 volume 304
November, 06th 2008 04:52 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: It’s a quiet, early evening and Self Made Man (fool) is chatting to Syd, Paul, Ernie, Bazza and the Pope in the Plough and Scrubharder pub:

fool: Did yer see that film last night?

Syd: Yeah, no, what film?

fool: Err, not sure what it was called, but it weren’t arf good. It had everyone in it. I’d never heard of it, but, wow, what a film.

Paul: Who was in it then?

fool: Err, everyone mate, loads of stars, all of ‘em.

Ernie: Like who?

fool: Cor blimey, You name ‘em, they were in it

Bazza: Robert DeNiro

fool: Na, he weren’t in it

Bazza: Clint Eastwood

fool: Na, but yeah you’re right, there were old-uns and all of today’s ‘rat pack’

Bazza: Jude Law, Michael Caine, Jonny Depp

fool: Na, na and err no. What were some of their names now…?

Paul: Brad Pit

fool: no

Paul: Russell Brand?

fool: No

Paul: Marky Mark?

fool: No

All: (shakes head after each name) David Attenborough, Paul Newman, Hank Marvin, Peter Purvis, Tom Hanks, Helen Mirren, Lindsay Lohan, Raquel Welch, Lulu, Angelina Jolie, Judy Foster, Chris Biggins, Antonio Banderras, Hulk Hogan, Judi Dench, Laurel, Hardy, Ricky Chervais, Marlon Brando, Humphrey Bogart, Cate Blanchett, Martin Sheen, Hilda Hogden, Sylvester Stallone, Dame Edna Everidge, Robert Redford, Sean Connery, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Obama Barrack, Yul Brenner, John Wayne, Frank Sinatra, Bruce Willis, Judy Garland, Madonna, Alec Guinness, Harrison Ford, Keira Knightly, Sean Bean, Alfred Hitchcock, Yogi Bear, Omah Sharrif, Lucy Lou, Mike Brown…

fool: Na, none of them, they were really famous, you’d know ‘em when you see ‘em…

Narrator: We interrupt this tripe to bring you the quiz:

1. Besides Paul Weller, who were the other two in The Jam?

2. What Christian name derives from Germanic for ‘strong ruler’?

3. The novel Robinson Crusoe was based on whose experiences?

4. What can be a type of musket or a type of rhomboid?

5. What does a manometer measure the pressure of?

6. In folktales a silkie was half man and half what?

7. Potatoes contain a significant amount of which vitamin?

8. In what year did underground trains first operate in London? A) 1863 B) 1875 C) 1882

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com (just hit the contacts button, although I believe there may have been some problems of late – fixed soon)

WHO AM I? I’m still trying to get my head around one rather puzzling suggestion of Gooboo, to last week’s clue: Clue No.1; “Created by four I felt my way to the top and entertained thousands.” But my head hurts from all the scratching, so I’ll just give you the answer that was correctly sent in by Dracule, which was Tommy from The Who....who? And will now lead you straight up the garden path to a new clue: “I was in that film Self Made Man was talking about and I think I was probably the most obvious omission so far, though I’ll not sleep over it!”

is it us?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 40 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those up against it; how do you like it now eh!…

Dracule: 19 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 13 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 5 (1 or 1, 1, 1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: unknown…there has to be others…doesn’t there?!

Quote for the week:

When choosing between two evils I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

Mae West

*Non-descript trivia moment*

WAR CRIES OF SOME SCOTTISH CLANS

BUCHANAN…Clar Innis

CAMERON…Chlann nan con thigibh a so’s gheibh sibh feoil†

SUTHERLAND…Caenn na Drochaide Bige

MACDONALD OF CLANRANALD…Dh’ aindeoin co theireadh e

COLQUHOUN…Cnoc Ealachain

DOUGLAS FAMILY…A Douglas! A Douglas!

MACGREGOR…Ard Choille

FARQUHARSON…Carn na cuimhne

MENZIES…Geal is Dearg a suas*

FERGUSON…Clannfearghuis gu brath

FORBES…Lonach

† Translates as: Sons of the hounds come here and get flesh

*Translates as crash ball Menzies

fool’s Gold

More than 2,500 cover versions of the Beatles’ “Yesterday” exist, making it the most recorded song in history

Dracula (Draclia) is the most filmed story of all time

Maine is the only state in the United States whose name is just one syllable

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

Oh tell me what’s the word, oh word up…

This week's word is Byzantium. The old song always goes "It's Istanbul not Constantinople" - but before the Roman Emperor Constantine had it named after him, it was previously named Byzantium which meant "Empire of the Romans" in Greek......eh?

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Always forgetting stuff and … – BASTARDS!

Did I leave the oven on?

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate; good food, good meat, good God let’s eat:

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

fool’s got some t-shirts on offer at the moment, but be quick, this price won’t last – top quality, many different crazy designs only $10.00 – speak like a spider…

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; dares not to delve this week as there’s SFA…again.

*Trigger: touts – you better you better, you bet.

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – fool’s tip: to avoid (clap, clap, clap) “And welcome…” every time you open the site press pause/play and forwards and rewind buttons! – Next one out in Nov…Dec?!

*Tit-bits – .../...From our own correspondent…/……/……/……/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week or the week after, hang on, just let me get my shit together)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks, but for now read about an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – Try and string it out if you can…

Mr. Meaner... Arse!

Bored?

Now, you’re just in time for the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

Big heap rugby going on this weekend, but let’s take you back to last weekend’s round-up to find out what exactly did go on, before we look ahead to some November Tests:

The All Black’s beat Australia 14-9 in Hong Kong and wrapped up the Bledisloe 3-1. And for fuck’s sake, John O’Neill can you stop whinging about forward passes, penalisations at the scrum and coming through the gate – you were the one who wanted to turn rugby into an AFL/RL spectacle!

It was a cracking game that held onto all expectations, but the humidity and a greasy surface from a constant drizzle made the surface not the best and subsequently the ball spent most time in the air.

But let’s get onto the plusses, which were a-plenty, the first coming from the try of the game from a slice of magic from the Git; where after six phases he found the hole in the 10 and 12 slot and popped a reverse pass to Mitchell who had timed his run to perfection to score under the posts.

Not long after Burgess who had a game and a half and would have almost been two if his pack had stood up to the task in the second half, shipped good, quick ball out to the blind left, finding Mitchell again to score.

And that was about it for the first half, minus a few Carter penalties, which kept the Black’s in the game, stemming from a count of seven v one against the Wallaby’s – ok John, you’ve got a point! Mortlock didn’t whinge here, but did admit that his side’s discipline was not up to it and that, “We gave them possession and territory through penalties. It hurts.”

At half time Henry sensed he could be on to a hiding, and told his troops they were being, “out passioned”. Not long after the break Sivivatu was on the scoring end of a six to five overlap.

Then the Aus pack buckled as New Zealand began to render their wrongs; the first being to get rid of Donald and put Carter back at 10 and bring on the Nonu and Weepu. The Donald and Carter combination simply didn’t work and fresh blood in the backline made hard work for the Aussies.

Burgess’ comfortable ball ran out as the Black forward machine took effect. Ritchie scored wide from a lob ball from Sivivatu and with their five point lead it was pretty scary how the Kiwi’s closed the game.

Henry admitted, “The guys won ugly” and Mortlock conceived, “The All Black’s were outstanding. It was a tough Test; there were times that all 15 players on both sides were sucking big ones.” – And yes, I bet he feels a right tit after saying that!

In the EDF; Northampton beat Llanelli 33-20 where Steve Myler continues to keep out a fit Carlos Spencer for the Saints / Worcester lost to Quins and London Irish beat Ospreys 23-19 with Sailosi Tagieakibou scoring from the wing and one from the Samoan centre Seilalu Mapussa who is considered the best in the Premiership / Gloucester nudged out Newcastle 11-10 and Wasps held off the Dragons 21-10.

Over the water Montauban trundled Toulon 42-20 with Fijian wing Vilimoni Delasau taking three of their six tries / Mont-de-Marsan went down 7-31 to an on form Perpignan, who have closed the gap to leaders Toulouse by one point / Montpellier muscled a win at Castres 31-26 and Dax made it three in a row with their 32-10 win over Bourgan / Toulouse came back to beat Brive 21-15 and were helped to the top of the table by Clermont’s win in the pouring rain over Stade Francais 22-6 – the best move of the game came from; Benoit Baby to Naploiani Nalaga who beat Falie Oeschig who switched with Marus Joubert who gave it to Pierre Mignoni to score – get all that? Good / Bayonne beat Biarittz in the battle of the Basque, with Sam Gerber getting the only try from a kick and chase.

And in a World Cup qualifier Malta beat Sweden 9-6

Some shorts:

Staying with French rugby and Umaga is under threat at Toulon, as their forwards coach was recently axed and John Connolly has come in to consult. Players have already hinted that if Tana goes they all go!

This weekend:

Italy v Australia: Italy have a huge pack captained by their world class No.8 Sergio Parisse. At fly half is Andera Marcato who dropped the goal in the Six Nations to beat Scotland, but that’s where the Euro stops. Australia, no matter what side they put out, will take Italy apart in the backs.

fool says: Italy 21-33 Australia

Wales v the MB’s; and Eddie Jones reckons, cos he always bloody reckons something, he reckons that the MB’s shouldn’t be inclined to throw the ball around too much in British conditions. He says, “The forwards are the Boks strength, so they need to play to that strength.” Then wear them down, exploit the fringes and unleash the backs.

Ruan Pienaar slots in at No.10 and John Smit takes on the tighthead position, where Jones says, “I believe he will struggle against some of the more established props in the game.”

fool says: Wales 21-28 MB’s

England v Specific Islands; and for me this is the game to watch this weekend. There’s a real feeling that England are at the initial stages of something big. And with players like Care, Cipriani, Armitage and Flutey to watch, with Johnno at the helm, it’s worth watching.

Flutey may be an ex Kiwi, but as Dewi Morris says, “It’s old hat to bang on about birth rights.”

But Johnno isn’t concerned about winning pretty; “You win by scoring more points than the opposition. After that, if you score tries as well, then fine. It pleases some people aesthetically. But I don’t want players feeling they have to deliver on a variety of fronts. I don’t want them feeling they must please the crowd, that they must score tries. You don’t need to go out feeling you must produce sexy rugby. Believe me; the wrong mindset gets you in trouble.”

The Specifics have been together since 2004; they play every two years but are yet to win a Test. When Fiji beat Wales 38-34 in the quarters at the last World Cup it was considered one of the best games in the competition’s history.

Every player bar fly half Peter Hola plays in Europe. These are players like Mapussa Delasau, Raulini, Latu and Maka – big hair and big hits.

Coach Quaddus Fiela is not mucking about; “The rugby we play will be simple – we will run, tackle, play direct and go hard at them. We can make our dreams come true if we stick to our game plan. I am confident we will do the business and make our Specific Island families back home very proud.”

fool says: England 32-19 Specific Islands

Scotland v New Zealand: Scotland’s captain Mike Blair is one of the best No.9’s in the game, but without good ball it’s hard. He’s also a canny lad and realises that the 12 changes the Kiwi’s have made does not make them easier opponents, “This is arguably a more dangerous side to play against.” – With everyone vying for a spot, of course it is. Look out for Liam Messam.

fool says: Scotland 12-25 New Zealand

Ireland v Canada: The Cannucks are no push over, especially in the pack. But they will get pushed over at Thornton Park.

fool says: Ireland 29-19 Canada

France v Argentina: The French are more settled now, as a team, and they will strike. Argentina still have plenty of beef and talent, but have been poor recently.

fool says: France 34-16 Argentina

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup! Curiously he’s had one taker – it could be you!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.

end rugby here!

Paul: James Caan

fool: No

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

India finished day two of the third Test on 613-7 and we thought we were in for something big then the bees came the next day forcing everyone to hit the deck for three minutes as the killer swarm passed, which made up for an inevitable draw as Australia fought back.

In Antigua The Stanford SuperStars won the bucks, as England were rather comically all out for 99. Chris Gayle and Andre Fletcher polished off the game with 44 balls to spare.

Despite the whole proceedings being subjected akin to vulgarity of the mightiest girth, The SuperStars walked away with a ton of cash.

And despite whatever you call it; a garden party with some cricket thrown in or a serious competition, it’s here to stay for the next five years, so England, you better sort your nerves out.

When asked before the game what the players might spend their money on, KP said he’d probably give a lot to charity, Harmy said he’d secure his kids financial future, Colly was going to pay his mortgage and Bell said it didn’t mean nothing compared to winning the Ashes.

When Chris Gayle was asked he replied, “Spend it, man!”

Graeme Swann, luckily, is of the same ilk and had plans to buy a pink Ferrari, but missing out he is not bothered. He said he had a good time, in a nice hotel, on a nice island and “Had we played well, to our potential and expectations, and lost it would have been impossible to take – but we were appalling.” – Another Tufnell in the making.

Till next week…

Other sports:

The Pope: Sydney Poitier

fool: Na, but he’s good in-he.

The Ham finally did it live at Interlagos and said, “I was told I had to get in front of Glock and to do it on virtually the last corner was amazing.” – What did he have to do? Finish a minimum fifth, and he did, and now he’s the F1 GP Champ.

He said, “This is for my dad – he knows he’s the man.”

Dad said he didn’t know what to do when the race finished and saw everyone jumping up and down, so he did the same – he the man!

Massa finished first in the race and was happy for the Ham being it a little apathetic; quite simply he said, “He got more points” and “I know how to lose and I know how to win. That’s racing.” – That’s right Massa.

Bazza: Tom Cruise

fool: No

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

A pretty German teacher in her twenties who stripped down to her undies in front of a class of 15 year-old’s in a truth or dare game was forced to cover up by another member of staff after simulated pole dancing with her hand down her crotch was deemed as going a tad too far.

Head of the school Sander Rozman in Zalaegerszeg West Hungary said, “I was forced to give the German teacher a warning, but I will not dismiss her as she is a valuable teacher for our institution.” – Crikey, she was writhing around in her grundies in front of a bunch of feverishly masturbating spotty pubescent kids and that’s ok; “It was no more flesh than you would see at the beach.” He continued in her defence. – Perhaps we grew up in the wrong place, wrong time. Mind you it wouldn’t be the same seeing Father O’Malley doing it.

Father O'Malley!

Apparently you can now buy women’s underwear – yes you – that has a GPS tracking system built in…or did I dream it! Anyway, it costs ₤500 if you want them?

Boffs have done it. Jurassic Park is real and happening in Japan. Mice have been cloned from frozen cells. For 16 years they’ve been pushing up daisies in conditions of -20۫C and their DNA has survived the harsh conditions of ice crystallisation. Dr. Teruhiko Wakayama from the Centre of Developmental Biology in Kobe said, “We have demonstrated that healthy cloned mice can be obtained by nuclear transfer – using cells from frozen bodies.” - You could bring back half of Russia doing that…but let’s not.

grrr

We know that red wine is the healthiest kick of all of our food and drink needs, but now there is a drug that mimics the grapes benefits such as tackling obesity, diabetes, heart disease, in growing toe-nails and syphilis. The drug, SRT1720 particularly works well against obesity and diabetes as so far it has enabled mice to exercise more. Boff Johan Auwerx who studies in Lausanne, Switzerland said, “SRT1720 made the animals run twice as long. Meanwhile boff Ian Broom from the Aberdeen Robert Gordon University, who studies the grape said, “This is interesting work.” – Hic-cup

The largest pizza is 4½ft wide costs 130 and feeds 50 people. You have to give 24hrs notice and can only get it at Big Mama’s and Papa’s Pizzeria LA US. I’ll have two please and a bottle of red.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVI! “I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.” – Victor Borge

I hope this is a prank or I’m gonna look a right git, but then if I were to air it on the BBC it’d be ok, as Jeremy Clarkson further embarrassed the corporation, when he was doing a stint on lorries for Top Gear and said something along the lines of: “Lorry drivers; “Drive, drive, drive, fry up, drive, drive, drive, eat a Yorkie bar, drive, drive, drive, kill a prostitute, drive, drive, drive” – But anyway, that’s not what I wanted to say, but, is about a woman who was seen tied up naked at a railway station in Micheldener, Hampshire UK and standing with a man in camouflage, which begs how he was seen in the first place, at three in the afternoon. The couple who drove past and saw the woman reported it to police where Inspector David Collings said, “It could be that this is just a prank or some misdirected leisure activity.” – You’ve got to love that; ‘misdirected leisure activity’

bit tied up

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; “You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.”

There’s an IQ test available now that measures your emotions as opposed to your intelligence. Boff Stough from Swinbourne University Melbourne Australia said, “If we can use EI tests to pick up many symptoms early, we can help at risk individuals develop their emotional intelligence.” – More red wine anyone?

Fat women have more sex – its official. In a poll of 7000, 92% of the fat women are getting it as opposed to 87% of the normal shape variety. This poll took into account, age, race and where they lived. The article called the Sexual Histories of Women surveyed ages 15-44 and covered a body mass index against their weight and height. If the BMI was below 25 they were considered normal and if above then overweight. Dr. Bliss Kaneshiro of the University of Hawaii’s School of Medicine said, “This study indicates that all women deserve diligence in counselling on unintentional pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, regardless of their weight.” – What?

Ok. Lastly, if you are intending to have sex make sure you do it right and not as in the case of a Vicar from Sheffield UK who turned up to a hospital with a potato up his bottom. A & E nurse Trudi Waters said that in her time she’s had to remove a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll and a carnation, which is not all that surprising seen as Russell Brand used to stick a Barbie doll up his bum as part of his live comedy act! But Trudi explains that she’d never seen a potato; “He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen and he fell backwards onto the table and on a potato.” – Here’s mud in your eye