Crazy Fool's Newsround - 31st August - 6th September '07 volume 248

31st August - 6th September '07 volume 248
September, 06th 2007 10:09 AM

productions presents

That was the week weren’t it…

In a week where the Olympic torch was no where to be seen in Osaka Japan at the World Athletic Championships last week no-one batted an eyelid as the Americans romped home with fourteen gold medals laying claim to being quite good at running and skipping and things.

However since, it has been discovered that the Chinese are actually using their thousands of executed lags as twigs in their birds nest stew stadium, it’s architect One Hung Lo has quit the country and gone to join firemen from 12 or more country’s that were deployed to battle an inferno that raged through Greece’s old hills and threatened to destroy some new ones, plus the original Olympic site of Olympia where the nowadays, as in the old days, Olympics got their name, which is has been aptly named the Olympics. This catastrophic train of events caused Geordie the Greek fire-fighter from Brisbane, Papua New Guinea to comment, “Aye man the fooking flames flew higher n higher like, like it was gonna reach out an grab yers like.” In a similar state of animated boggled eyed hamming it up for the cameras Turk fire-fighter form Ashsford, Kent, UK admitted, “Aye man, the fooking flames flew like higher and higher and it were like, it were like they’s were trying ta reach oot n grabs yer like.” – For the full story and other fascinating fireman’s tales turn to the index pages…

greek women are hot

But now me olde flame grilled froggie legs in liquor, get your wrangle warblers around these:

1. Who was Bob Beaman, what did he do, where does he live, what is his telephone number and is he still alive?

2. What are the metal discs in the rim of a tambourine called?

3. What is the official language of Haiti?

4. What are osselets and ossicles?

5. Steve Backley held the world record in which sports event?

6. Which word can be a pole with a foot rest or a wading bird?

7. In which film did Stallone first play Rambo?

8. Which country produces more gem diamonds than any other? A) South Africa B) Botswana C) Angola

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results – plus this week’s free give-away coupon for your own pocketful of air…

WHO AM I? – Last week’s clue – gone – first shot – straight out of the barrel – see the *Comps and results page for more details, but in the really meantime here’s a new clue for a new character; ‘I don’t want an ogress as a daughter but having a frog as father, that’s OK, isn’t it? – The actor not character please!

is it me?

But now peasants please step aside for…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine, sangria, mojito, live music, amazing food – what more do you want? – See what’s on every Wednesday in the *classifieds – under, ooh, entertainment, restaurants…

GTM: Back by popular demand; this furniture manufacturer has probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently – I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh September – cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in their rugby world cup t-shirt collection in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant – is it nearer to you?

More, more, more and more stuff in the *classifieds pages now – something for the weekend?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

*Digger’s gearing straight into round 23 this week after round 22’s success – hang on is it round 23 or are they up to the finals yet…*Digger?

*Trigger’s not happy with the form of closed racing – see inside his stable to see if there’s anything happening this week in *Trigger’s Down Under gee gee’s.

*Tit-bits – for all you need to know about tit-bits…with no tits...or bits…just tit-bits! *Poetry Corner’s harbouring a rather beautiful love poem this week, ‘Oh for the wings for the wings of a dove…’ *Grub – Up is still serving Cameron Diaz’ lips on the side, whilst *Fishman’s got another instalment on the life and fishy tales of island doings.- What’s that, *Fishman’s back? – Yep, better believe it. And *Bongo Massif Bro’s are just about tuned up I think…

Mr. Meaner…must be on holiday.

his name really is busst

But now it’s ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

Ok men, and you Lance Corporal Goneupthereah, its do or die time… (Whistle blows and over the top the bookies go...into no-man’s land…).

Time and time again I’ve given you the chance to back the fool in his lonely predictions club, but follow me nay I does think not so.

I screeched it way back when Sgt. Wilko only had the neck injury, which prevented use of his right arm for up to 2 to 3 months you know – that was December 2003 – now it’s 2007 and 17billion injuries later, it’s the ankle this time, and I’ll say it again…hang-on, in a minute!

I’ve warbled, chuckled and pondered on my namesake, along with everyone else since then, but still the fool will back the, always have been, big five - oh yes, he will.

Argentina are not good enough – want a bet? Ireland do not have the squad, even though they’re still ranked 4^{th in this here Cup} at 20-1! – The fool loves chances eh.

Yes of course, it’s pretty obvious who’s realistically going to win it. But the world loves a real true black beauty (Phoarrr), and not as Bokkie, Jake Boer puts it whilst trying to steal cheap press by committing his side to an outsider’s chance, they’re worldwide second favourites for horse-meats sake. No, the real dark horse of 2007 is of course; England. Err or Scotland…no, no definitely England.

University-boy Sgt. Wilko is under no illusions with his profundity when he said, which by way goes for all teams, “We are going to have to find and extreme togetherness and a positivity that is going to allow the best to come out of everyone under big pressure.” – Mr. Wilkinson, your starter for ten… ‘The banality of form and injury and their consequences from the years 1908 – 1827!

Nevertheless, they (England) truly are this year’s dark-un. They’ve only lost 48 games of their 32 played since November’s 2003 win! And the lack of time together, un-flavoured back-play and the inability to comeback from behind, makes them really dark!

As Ashton says, “We go to France as holders yet, in the eyes of many, also as outsiders. That adds some spice to the tournaments ingredients. But one thing is for sure, the winners will be the ones who get the basics right.” – Pass the mustard.

They played well to beat France in the recent Six Nations. Their jingle-jangled team in the recent warm-ups proved to be an improvement on shite, and realistically that’s been about it in four years. But as ex England coach Andy Robinson agreed with the fool when he said, “New Zealand must start favourites, France look strong as hosts and it’s foolish to forget the Aussies. But I’ve just got that feeling for England.” – There, if there’s anything to put the mockers on anything, that was probably it.

Onto The Blacks and they have been pretty quiet, as usual, to their build up and secretly they’re probably more nervous of letting their fellow countrymen down than they would be about getting on with the game, as Henry states, “We will give 150%. We will bleed for you.” – (Long dull raspberry emits from the still, press-conference room riddled air)

McCaw also braced himself for what could turn out to be a necessary ritual suicide if they were to lose, he begged the people, “You have to put the weight of expectation aside a little bit and just do the job well, that’s the way you have to look at it.” – Not good enough Richie, it’s win or die – now what’s it gonna be!

Wales will need a miracle to get ahead of Australia in their pool, where incidentally Eddie Jones ruffled a few feathers again by saying, “Fiji, Canada and Japan are regarded as no more than nuisance value.” – Which he is right of course, but more’s to the point is that he’s still bagging the Aussie scrum suggesting that that will be their calamity, and the Aussies only great pack members are Vickery and Sharpe. Rocky Elsom of course hit back with, “Putting too much emphasis on things that aren’t important has been a big criticism people have had of him.” – Yeah, shut up Eddie – yer sour puss.

But saying that Wales will finish 2^nd and they’ll have a quarter against either South Africa, England and or of course Samoa, who themselves pose a huge potential upset for someone – err, namely S.A. or England!

However, Gareth Thomas, the Welsh skipper suggests the quarters are not enough, “We have to be hard on ourselves and if you can’t demand more from yourself from a World Cup you have to ask questions about where you are mentally.” – Mental sir, all nine yards and a little bit of it Sir! P.s. Colin Charvis; is he his haircut or is his haircut him?

You can crap on forever in this ilk on predictions and potentials, so I’ll leave the guesstimating and prospecting to Phil Vickery, “Once you get into a tournament and make a winning start, absolutely anything can happen.” – You can’t get fairer than that.

Biggest disappointment: England’s 24 year-old flier Dave Strettle getting injured just before the World Cup. He was coming on form and would have lit the world stage.

Biggest idiot: Fiji’s dope smoking Caucauinbucau for potentially being the best winger the game has ever seen and literally blowing it.

Bloke to watch this weekend: Alesena Tuilagi for Samoa v South Africa – he’s a big fast monster that’s usually quite entertaining.

Some off the cup shorts:

The mass exodus of Southern Hemisphere players to Europe after the World Cup continues with six of the N.Z squad and many fringe players gunning for the bucks; Howlett’s just signed a two and a half year stint with Munster whilst McAlistar explains some of the ethos behind it all; “There’s rugby but there’s also life outside rugby, and it was a hard decision, something I didn’t make overnight.” – It’s do or die.

S.A. also sees Matfield, Botha and Willemse depart to a foreign land where 100+ of their murdering bastard natives are already gathered!

Wales’s midget flier Shane Williams is in a film on Wales’ S4C channel, their hottest Taff speaking channel about. He stars in the drama-documentary as a doctor who falls in love with a Madagascan Nurse called Hope whilst in the Congo – you can’t get more Welsh than that!

And good old ‘Joey’ Johns didn’t let us down on the druggie scale – busted for ecstasy, which he says he’s been taking, “For ten years. I’ve taken it on and off, generally during the off season.” – Which we all here in the cfn press box thought was good of him. ‘Pssst, it’s just you fool!’ – ‘Oh yeah, right, of course.’

He also went on to describe a night in a London cell near where he was caught in Kings Cross, “I was in a cell by my own but in the other cells there were a couple of crazy men just running and charging into the walls and screaming. It really shook me up and it really scared me.” – Running and charging? - Argh, that’ll be the long arm of the law eh – ‘Right, you little bastard, let’s ‘ev yer.’!

Johnno’s best ever world XV: The boiler room; No.4. Frik du Preez & No.5. Colin Meads

Results:

European national Cup Division 3A: Armenia (I bet you are) 16 – 12 Sweden. (Chicks – porn)

Australia Rugby Championship: Perth Spirit (Probably saddest name ever for a rugby team) 31 – 19 Central Coast (Irwin) Rays.

Holland: ‘t Gooi 88 – 10 ARC 1890 – yep, both spelt correctly.

Air N.Z. Cup: Bay of Plenty (Loads of it) 33 – 26 Tasman (On his own).

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket now:

England and India’s rolling around the fun park continues in this 7 match ODI series with bits n bobs for everyone.

Or as in last week’s fourth match; Broads and Bops. They snuck a 99 run 8^th wicket pairing to sneak home at Old Trafford by three wickets. That’s the highest 8^th pairing English slot of all time mate.

With seven wickets down after 24 overs you might have thought they were in trouble, but as Colly said, “Sometimes you see the character in people in these sought of situations. They were calm and controlled and completely turned this game around.” – Broad also snuck 4 – 51 with the ball, whilst Sachin and Yuvraj Singh both made 50’s.

In the next ODI Broad was smacked all over the park and got 1 with the bat and Bopara broke his thumb, where he’ll be out for the rest of the series and also the Twenty20 World Cup in murdering bastard land.

India amassed 324-6 whilst England lagged behind 242 – 8 after 39 overs losing by 38 after the D/L system – its 3 – 2 now…stay with me…

Colly may have whacked 91* off 71 but his other team ‘batsmen’ were shite. He settled for the non-panic approach to Broad’s broadsiding and Ravi’s misfortune and said, “That’s the beauty of cricket. It’s a massive leveller and is probably unique in the way your fortunes can change. It was not the sort of day Ravi and Stuart would have wanted, but they are strong characters with plenty of character.” – Off camera he shouts… ‘BASTARDS’.

Sachin stole 71 off 59 with 13 boundaries. Yuvraj Singh 72 off 57, and indeed, all India’s top four batsmen hit 50’s.

Onto game six at the Brit Oval and what a fucking game of cricket that was! – You can’t often swear on air but that was a corker. England were up, down, up, down and then suddenly on 137-5 – Owais Shah (Local boy) smacked 107* - Luke Wright (New boy) 50 – and Oooooh Mascarenhas slogged 5 sixes off the last five balls – quite why part-time spinner Yuvraj Singh was bowling is another matter.

But back to the game; KP first ran out Colly by going for the extra run then he ran himself out a few overs later. Still, the latter half of England’s batsmen notched 179 off 118 balls – 30 in the last bloody over (Stop swearing - can’t…I’m drunk).

The Indians were at it too – they won by the way. By two wickets thanks to Robin (Indian name) Uthappa who hit two boundaries in the last over to take the game by two wickets and level the series 3-3.

As said, they (The Indian’s) were at it too; Sachin 94 off 81, ging-gang – Ganguley 53, plus plenty of verbal exchange with Broad. Piyush Chawla span out of control and took top wickets.

Nevertheless they won and best comment of the day was Colly on his run-out and a little fued he had with the ump’s afterwards for no reason at all, “I’d forgotten about that incident. That shows what a great game it was. But it was disappointing at the time.” – OUT!

Next game, and the leveller at Lord’s on Saturday. – Oooooh Mascarenhas.

Other sports:

This week saw no wrestlers croak but ten were suspended and four kicked out all together. They’d all been shopping at Florida’s Signature Pharmacy Orlando, which cops had busted last February for toting steroids galore.

But that don’t bother Ken Kennedy none, do you think his middle name is Kirk. Anyway he’s clean now and declares in a deep southern accent, “I stopped taking them and I had the biggest rush of my life.” – Allejuhea brother, thank heavens for wrestlers!

Casey Stoner won his 8^th MotoGP in San Marino – is that in Italy? And leads the board by 85 points. A win in Portugal on the 16^th would declare him champ. Rossi was closing in before his bike conked out but Stoner is pretty much going to take home the championship trophy this season, he said, “The title was close before this race but I still want to win as many races as possible.” – Just greedy, Casey, greedy.

And now it’s time for the world news: Bong, bong, bong

Here we go, it was just a matter of time; a 90 year-old pensioner was caught doing 5m.p.h. on his mobility scooter on the hard shoulder of the M27 in Hampshire UK last week. He said he got lost going to the shops in Whitely. We all know that bastard has been listening to last week’s Dick Whittington and his scooter rally’s.

Genghis Khan who was notoriously not ginger would put gay men to death. Chinese research has been scrupulously deciphering his ‘codes of law’ and found under law 48, ‘Committed sodomy shall be put to death.’ – The reason was not homophobic but the relentless quest to spread the Mongolian population. – A bit like Christians!

The world mammory, sorry, I’ll say that again, the world memory championships were held last Saturday – don’t ask me who won – and Brit Ben Pridmore 30 who holds the world record for memorising a randomly shuffled pack of cards, in 26.28 secs was in it – don’t ask me who won – I do know there were 60 contestants. It was in Bahrain, and they go for things like cards, random words – shoehorn – and historical dates. There’s a £5k prize up for offer, but Ben’s not in it for that, he says, “I get an adrenalin rush. I’m competing against myself to shave a few hundredths of a second off my best time.” – Fuck, I wish I were there…shaving!

thanks for the mammories

Ok, Owen Wilson the Hollywood hunk with the big nose is on round the clock surveillance after trying to commit suiciside after breaking up with his missus Kate Hudson. – Bless him eh. Can we all send some love…die, die, die, die…

Prayers have been made by the Church of England – the one that Henry VIII made, to beat the Monday blues. – Give us this day our weekly Monday and let us not be downtrodden by an almighty hangover…

Rock n rollers crazy capes part II: Ozzy Osbourne drunk as lord in his wife’s dress took a piss up one of the walls in the Alamo. Not only did he get kicked out but was also banned from San Antonio for ten years. – Bloody Yanks, can’t take a joke.

Sir Ben Kingsley, you know him, he was Gandhi a couple of years a go, he’s not anymore, anyway he’s 63 and has just married for the fourth time, to a 34 year-old Brazilian, Daniela Barbosa de Carneiro. This is what he said of her; “Daniela is like an ancient mythological princess. She has great deep dignity. She moves like an ocean liner.” – I think that’s a compliment.

A UK woman who lives in France – absolutely not relevant – is addicted to pregnancy. She’s had two herself and given nine away and now is expecting triplets for a Greek couple. She doesn’t just give them away; she is a surrogate mother – even gets 15k a shag! Anyway, she, Carole Horlock 40, just in case you know her, says, “Some people like eating, others enjoy smoking, but for me its being pregnant.” – Gawd bless yer Carole, and all who sail in ya!

Tommy Cooper corner moment No.6: ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ ‘It’s not unusual.’

One in 20 kids in Britain think chips grow on farms – don’t be smart – as 7% think chicken kievs do also. 5% didn’t realise milk came from cows. 2% say cows lay eggs. The Dairy Farmers of Britain compiled this survey and found that Londoners were the thickest.

where milk comes from

Divorce in Britain is at a 30 year low. Only 132,562 got un-hitched last year, that’s down 6.5%. Julian Lipson from ‘a legal firm’ who carried out the quiz said, “Divorce records are at their lowest since records began in 1862.” – Most reasons are adultery, unreasonable behaviour and family strain. Don’t get me wrong, but I’ve always thought there’s something very immature about divorce.

Another reason for divorce would be snoring, but now boffs have come up with a machine that stops you snoring. And believe me, it is a machine; there’s a mask, pipes, beeps and buttons. I mean really, as if. How are you ever going to sleep let alone snore with all that in bed with you. Yet it will only cost between £400-£600!

Cooking should be another reason – every time my wife has an accident in the kitchen I get it for dinner!

yes dear

A 20 year-old Estonian lad was pulled over in Tartu for reckless driving this week, where police spokesman Marge ‘Simpson’ Kahtdu said, “At first they thought he was drunk, but the man kept missing the tube for the breath test, then they realised he was blind.” – His guide was his 16 year-old mate.

A sandcastle in Falmouth UK has made it in the Guinness Book of Records at 31ft 7inches. A thousand people helped build it over two months using 40 dump trucks of sand. – So that’s where it all went.

News in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health is that rock n roll stars die younger than your average civvy streeter. A poll was taken from a 1000 albums from North America and Europe finding that it was most likely to happen 2- 25 years after finding fame, which is 2/3 times higher than your normal population. 100 died between 1996 – 2005 alone. A spokesman said, “Pop stars suffer higher levels of stress in environments where alcohol and drugs are widely available, leading to health damaging risk behaviour.” – Didn’t Billy Joel say only the good die young? – Don’t care – he’s a cunt!

Ok, lastly; 8% of Brits download porn at work every week. 20% of men get aroused by it whereas only 2% of the women folk do. 172 hours a year are spent on downloading leisure with music being the highest at 60%. Strangely enough women download more games than men. Spokesman from moneysupermarket.com who carried out the survey said, “There are numerous safeguards employers can put in place, but I would recommend simply looking at productivity levels, especially amongst the male workforce.” – You said it spokesman.