Crazy Fool's Newsround - 30th Oct - 5th Nov 09 volume 353

30th Oct - 5th Nov 09 volume 353
November, 04th 2009 16:05 PM

“Cause oh you know what they say about honey bears

When you shave off all their baby hair

You have a hairy minded pink bare bear”

(Velvet Underground)

published 5.11.09

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool is fishing for salmon with Mark Twain on the west bank of the Tennessee River. Rudyard Kipling is opposite, on the east side eating a tuna sandwich.

Mark: What yer using for bait

fool: Bear

Mark: Bear! Where’d yer get a bear?

fool: I found it. I asked Paddington first but he refused on account of a soggy marmalade sandwich issue.

Mark: Bear baiting’s been illegal here since 1836, exactly one year after it was abolished in England. If you get caught I don’t know you.

fool: I ain’t bear baiting I’m using a bear as bait

Mark: Which is bear baiting

fool: Aint

Mark: Is

fool: Aint

Mark: Is (3 hours later)

fool: Aint aint aint

Mark: Is

Rudyard: (Shouts from across the pond) No, technically Mark is right, but in this sense you are in fact using the bear as bait, which is matter-o-factly bear baiting, but then fool’s argument overrides any cruelty to the bear as it is not in danger itself; only the fish is.

Mark: Oh, thank you very much…err

Rudyard: Rudyard, Rudyard Kipling

Narrator: And lo as east is east and west is west the twain did in fact meet; which means Rudyard was a lying bastard.

Never the twain shall meet

1. Are there any salmon in The Tennessee River?

2. Who had hits with “My Perfect Cousin” and “Jimmy Jimmy”?

3. Which folklore fantasy tale is subtitled “There And Back Again”?

4. Which famous sword is sometimes called Caliburn?

5. What kind of animal is a Schnauzer?

7. What is emitted from a fumarole?

8. What name is given to plants that flower year after year? A) Perennials B) Annuals C) Hardy annuals

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Eager to spread the lead with offerings of Rattus Norvegicus were deemed null and void last week, and still are, because it’s still wrong, so un mistakenly into the third round, go us; But first, a glance back at No.1 again…No.1, “Loosely a rat I was on the beaches when the Stranglers noticed me!” & No. 2, “I think I’m mentioned somewhere in this week’s quiz!” Numero trez; “Since my mum’s boyfriend hung himself in a sex game she went completely nuts and accidentally died taking copious amounts of heroin.”

Is it me?

This is the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in: For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 41 or 42 if we’re strictly going by the Gregorian calendar and due to the fact fool’s missed a week.

For those who like ones; one’s and brackets and LZ:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 + 1 bonus point)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Aye: 1 (1)

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

Basil: Did you ever see that film How To Murder Your Wife?

Major Gowen: How To Murder Your Wife?

Basil: Yes. Awfully good. I saw it six times…

Fawlty Towers

*Non-descript trivia moment*

CARRY ON FILMS

Carry On…

Cruising…1962

Cabby…1963

Spying…1964

Jack…1964

Cleo…1964

fool’s Gold

Actor Ewan McGregor is an accomplished French horn player

The word “clock” comes from the Latin word “clocca”, which means bell

Florence Nightingale always travelled with her pet owl in her pocket – and the picture that always accompanies the radio show advertisement below is the very nurse herself!

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Zoppetto is Italian. It isn't a character from Pinocchio, nor is it a type of green cucumber looking vegetable. It's best defined as a "medieval Italian limping hop dance". You'd have thought the boys would have picked up on this when they did The Ministry of Silly Walks - but ... no.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Battle ship grey – yep, the colour. I’d been badgering my landlord to paint the house for weeks. He flatly refused. So I went away for a week and he painted the house! Pink salmon walls, with just a hint of fish secreting from the makeshift home-made paint that he got the boys to knock up at his brother in-law’s fish market stall. Personally I think he used the tinned stuff, and by its pungency probably a mix of tuna too (cheap bastard – extra Bastard moment there), and of course, what else would do the trick to brighten the place up? Battleship grey double gates and doors of course. Which, to be honest is an upgrade on the previous luminous green, which was like coming home to a giant fire-fly…I could see it glowing from the bridge. I once painted a college’s sports department corridors battleship grey, but that paint had a posh name in Portland, as in Portland Cement, as in Portland Stone, which is a particular stone from Dorset, where Basil Fawlty owns a hotel. But my posh, almost Stalinist -overcoat grey was broken with a racy red stripe that coursed along the middle of the corridor’s walls, thus denoting a warranted jaunty slant to the wing. Unfortunately I over ordered on the Portland grey and still have 30 gallons of the stuff. The gates on the other hand have no such go-faster stripe, nothing to break the monotonous outlook of an overcast winter that goes on for too long – nothing, nothing but an absurd depiction of a lonesome ghostly battle-cruiser grey set adrift amongst a sea of wrought iron turquoises, builders masonry magnolia and bottle greens, with the occasional hint of draping bougainvillea adorning the naked separating walls. So I painted HMS fool on the ironclad beast gates and sailed it to the proverbial battleship cruiser on Ly Tu Trong. Yet as morning dawned and sobriety filled the early light the moorings outside yielded yet another glimpse at the gunmetal reality of those wasted and surplus tins laid barren in my brother’s garage – battleship grey - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

On the bright side HMS fool is up for rent in January. You don’t have to live there, you could just rent it – I’ll even throw in some paint for any touch-ups.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

This is another plane, err helicopter:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com and Prices and dates 2009
Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – you can’t hide forever Jim!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; still on that footy trip

*Trigger: recouping

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Randall

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…He said…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

Ok, forget the rowing machine – House for rent; District 1 HCMC – contact the fool!

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…more strings please …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

We’ll take a T-shirt

This bit is the rugby bit:

Published 5.11.09

Well, there’s a fair bit to get through, so while you’re tucking into your salmon and poached eggs, here she is:

Stop the rot: Seal it, paint it, admire it.

New Zealand came good in a second half in Tokyo to dispose the Wallabies 32-19. In a robust performance from the Australians, which saw them go into the tunnel 16-13 up at half time, they were then outwitted by a team who made the most of their chances.

Peter Hynes scored Australia’s first half try after Will Genia had broken three defenders to set up the winger and he took the gap where The Siv would have been if he wasn’t in the bin for a high tackle.

Earlier recycled ball from McCaw, turned up again in support to off-load to The Siv for a score. Then the turning point came as Cory Jane stepped in at fly-half, broke the defence and shipped it out to the thinking man’s centre in Conrad Smith for the sealer, which was glossed with a conversion and left to sit back and admire.

Guinness Premiership

Sale took Gloucester 28-23 as Tindall joined the hordes of injured Englishmen by tearing a hammy and his replacement Charlie Sharples was red carded after 35 minutes for a reckless tackle. / Leicester had a good win over Northampton 29-15 and Tuqiri has confirmed his move to the Tiger’s. / In the shock of the season Leeds beat Wasps 15-9, where Cieron Thomas out kicked Dave Walder 5 pens to 3 – not enough Dave’s in sport – plenty of Cieron’s! / Quins and L.Irish shared a bore draw 9-9. Neither Jim Staples nor Frankie Croxford played this week / Carl Hayman may be back in an All Black jersey soon but in the meantime he helped Newcastle beat Worcester 14-3. / And Sarries have made it 7 from 7 with a 12-11 pip at Bath.

Top 14

Shock of the season in France-land was Racing Metro 92’s win over Toulouse 27-20 with second half tries from Wisniewksi and Johny Leo’o. / Bourgoin and Brive shared a miserable game at 14 a piece. / A Christian Loaman try sealed it for Toulon over Bayonne 14-8. / In a game of two halves Albi came back to beat Montpellier 15-8. / Clermont and Stade Francais shared a try in each in respective Julien Bonnaire and Ollie Phillips and coincidentally the final tally too in 17 each. / Montauban’s Taku Ngwenya’s late try made it 14-5 over Biarritz. / And Perpignan came back from 12 points adrift to beat Castres 17-15

I’m not sure if he is the Greatest Ever XV official inside centre but the fool has him down as the one – Philippe Sella – Martin Johnson said he was like running into concrete

Magners League:

Three James Aldridge penalties helped Dragons beat Edinburgh 9-8. / Glasgow and Ospreys also shared penalties finishing on 9 a piece. / Connaught had a cracking win over Scarlets 16-10 in Galway. Jim Staples didn’t play. / And Munster saw off Ulster 24-10.

ANZ Cup

Wellington beat Southland in a thriller at the Westpac stadium 34-21

Currie Cup

Cheetahs coach Naka Drotske hailed the Blue Bulls the best provincial side in the world after they beat the Cheetah’s 36-24 at Loftus.

Some shorts:

The Wallabies kicked off their European tour with a five try haul over Gloucester making it 36-5. First half tries from Ryan Cross and Tyronne Smith were followed later by two from Drew Mitchell and a special one from Quade Cooper.

The Wallabies next play England on Saturday, in which Deans says will be a ‘ripper’. It’s a tough one to call this, because they’re both relatively new sides, although strictly speaking it is a new England team, due to injuries, and a building/ developing Aussie team who are going through the combinations. For this reason fool says: England 22-28 Australia

Just up and left a bit from Twickenham is Cardiff and there the Welsh boys, with a heavy pronunciation on the ‘l’ and ‘ys’, will take on New Zealand – all of it. Wales haven’t beaten New Zealand, all of it, since 1953, but do you know what? I think they might. They are missing some key players but they have a good squad, and as Warren Gatland said, ‘it’s about belief’ – isn’t it. Plus there’s Jamie Roberts vs Ma’ Nonu.

fool says: Welsh boys isn’t it 21-20

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: have some fun and try to name the actor!!! - This particular team will be finished… fool promises! – Only two to get.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. ? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1. ?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it – ha, ha…nurse… - have received two props recently in Ray Winston and Bob Hoskins, but what were the films?

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

No Title

The new Velcro fitted format of shits and giggles cricket has rocketed from day one and laid shadow to the more buckled traditionalist, well, at least in between the touring overs.

Yet rearing its mid ‘70’s accredited head with, as ever, sati factionary results is ye olde stalwart of tip and run, and the fourth ODI in Mohali between India and Australia was no exception.

Australia won by 24 runs and levelled proceedings 2-2. The Punts steadied the ship on 52, with Cameron White ten ahead on 62. Although it has to be said with four late run-outs a 250 total looked to be in India’s sights. However, that was scuppered by two Indian run-outs and some top slinging by Siddle and Bollinger on 3 wickets each.

They’ll now finish off their best of three, whilst Pakistan and New Zealand kicked off their best of three in Abu Dhabi. Shahid Afridi and Kamran Abnul’s respective knock of 70 and 67 fed a pleasing number of 287-9, which was 138 more than The Caps could muster.

That’s it for this week

Other sports:

Seb Vettel won the last F1 race of the season in Abu Dhabi. Busy there. And Usain Bolt says he’s going to do the 400m’s but before that break some more records. I wonder if we’ll get an F1 car named after Usain!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Dickie Attenborough said he used to call everyone ‘Luvvie’ because he was terrible with names, well, on that evidence Jurassic Park could have been set any time between last week and the Cretaceous period, which was when there was a lot of chalk, apparently. A new finding of a 140m year-old spider web in an amber deposit has been found on Britain’s south coast, and let’s face it, if a dinosaur were to be made from it, as opposed to a spider, there’d only be enough room for about three of them, what with all that chalk on Dover’s white cliffs and windmills and country pubs, the rest could catch the train to France, where there’s a lot more room.

An amateur digger found the tree-sap resin and Boff Martin Brasier from Oxford University ‘stamped its approval’, saying, “This amber is very rare. It comes from the very base of the Cretaceous.” The web is from the ancestor of a modern orb or garden spider. Meanwhile, the oldest living dog is 22, and its Welsh, on the other hand Christopher Lee is 87 and he got a knighthood for being a vampire…but I’m think I’m veering from the track so I’ll stop.

Amateur digger

He could buy a coffin from Vic Fern & Co. Ltd who own Crazy Coffins. The firm from Nottingham have been going since 1860 and now make any coffin to order since a lady enquired about one the shape of the Red Arrows. They have buried people in a Viking ship, mobile phone, ballet shoe, corkscrew, skateboard, guitar, Lucozade bottle and an egg. David Crompton who works there said, “We are always looking for new and interesting ideas and we can do every size, colour and design and that’s why I feel so proud of working here.” – I’m still wondering how they buried the Red Arrows wings, and was it the Arrows or just the one plane? – Perhaps it was a family plot. I’m going to get buried in a skeleton, no, a blaze of glory, no, a pint, pickled, with an egg on the side.

That’s me

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘I’ll have two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please, with a pickled egg.” – Was Splodgenessabounds’ first pre-hit – non-hit.

George Maher was 13 when he fought in the Somme. He joined the 2^nd Kings Own Royal Lancaster Regiment and got swore at after he started to cry under shell fire, he said, “The major swore at me, ‘You bloody fool – it costs money to get you here and you bloody well cry.’” – He was then locked him up on a train with a bunch of other young lads, of one he said, “The youngest was 12 years old. A little nuggety bloke he was too. We joked that the other soldiers would have had to have lifted him up to see over the trenches.” – And that’s not an easy sentence to say – I think in something like the present, past perfect with a twist

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “Just remember, if the world didn’t suck we’d all fall off.”

Hairless bears in Germany’s Leipzig Zoo are baffling the boffs. Dolores 15 and Lolita 11 are as bald as coots, except for a wee tuft of hair on their heads. They look pretty ugly. If you’re a bear expert and can help please drop the zoo a line.

Newsflash: Lea & Perrin’s Worcestershire (No shire pronunciation required) Sauce has 18 gallons of vinegar, 24lbs of fish and 34lbs of sugar in it but the rest we’re still unsure about. How do we know? Because the firm’s accountant found an original scrunched up recipe for the guarded secret, which dates back to the mid 1800’s, outside the factory in a skip many years ago and passed in onto his daughter who has only recently handed it to the Worcester City Museum. But gadzooks, if we only knew the rest…

Big waves are making a splash in Queensland where British film makers have made The Reef – a tale about big fishes that eat people. The $3.5m film depicts a true story about four friends who were terrorised by Great Whites when their boat capsized off Australia’s coast. Tourism Tropical North Queensland’s chief exec Rob Giason said, “The covering issue for me is this piece of particular creative licensing actually distorts what reality is.” – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; from Jaws: ‘Martin, it’s all psychological. You yell barracuda, everybody says, “Huh, what?” You yell shark, we’ve got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July.” – Tell it the way it is. The film stars Gyton Grantly and Damien Walshe-Howling from Underbelly – see if they end up in the belly – out next year, which is about 56 days away.

Could have been so different

Let’s close with a minx...no, sorry, that should be Dominatrix: Sabella Sahlberg 27 has been fined ₤290 and told stop parking her converted camper van, with built-in cages, whips and restraints inside of it, on the main road in Detmold Germany as she’s causing a distraction. Sabella hissed, “It’s ridiculous. I do not harm anyone. In fact, I’m better at slowing down traffic than a sleeping policeman and I’ve seen a few of those in my time.”