30th July - 5th August 2010 volume 391
August, 04th 2010 19:51 PM
“I was born in a cross-fire hurricane”
(The Rolling Stones)
 
You’re readingcrazy fool’s newsround– the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:
 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first
(fresh edition brought to your doorstepevery Friday morning – may contain nuts)
 
Plus the radio show – with a new look!
 
Reporter: crazy fool
 
Published 5.8.10                                           
 
 
 
For 5th Regiment Royal Engineer
 
 
And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:
 
The Wonder of you
The world continuously throws us its quirky ideals of indiscriminate shenanigans, coupled with the mixed conventions of formality.
 
 I sat contemplating the cycle of life in a Greenwich pub in London the other day, and as I paced on the dawn of time’s inconsequential peculiarities that this crazy world of ours has to offer I surmised without too much further thought that there is, as they say, ‘now’t as queer as folk’.
 
Take for instance Sogen Kato who’s been living in his daughter’s house in Japan for the past 30 years dead. Yep, that’s right; he’s been living there dead. Sogen was unofficially the world’s oldest man reputedly knocking on for 121 years, except he isn’t or as it turned out wasn’t, for the simple and stone cold fact of him being dead, and has been for the said mentioned 30 years…dead as a dodo…fini, kaput, an ex parrot.
 
Now, far be it for Tokyo’s city council to keep tracks on all their ‘Norwegian Blues’, but surely the Guinness Book of Records, who carry out meticulous research, might have noticed a mummified corpse in pyjamas, who always seemed to be asleep in the back room, a tad suspicious every time they came round for the interview.
 
I wouldn’t be surprised if family members were offering a pilgrimage to his bedside, suggesting a minute in his presence would sustain long life. Much like the giant at Cernes Abbas in Dorset England where childless couples go to cavort on the chalk faced etchings of its 480 inch penis in order to boost their chances of conception.
 
Don’t knock it; for it seems to work, as the highest birth rate in the country will testify, with every woman there spawning on average three children – a rate not seen since the 1960’s.
 
 But if the mid 1600’s talismanic 120ft giant scratched into a hill top in Dorset is the propagator of seed then the medieval town of Brignoles, Province in France the locals instigate the opposite, well, in their pigeons at least, as they are fed contraception’s to keep their population down, due to the fact them being a pest.
 
Their grain is spiked but accommodates them a fully active sexual life without little consequences, which comparative to an Austrian beer, is laced with cheese in order to acts as a kind of aphrodisiacal free range Viagra; just don’t blame the brewery if you’re firing blanks.
 
Described as ‘positive and healthy’ a cheesy flavoured beer to arouse carnal shenanigans must surely be the preferred alternative ‘nipple’ to a chalky bum, which by way of crossing over from a nibble of cheese and a tipple of booze can be only the first time in history such a term of reference can ever be ripened to post such a form.
 
However, when it comes to a nipple be sure you’re swigging from the correct bottle, because in just a week Brewdog’s world’s strongest beer mantle was surpassed by Holland’s brewery ‘t Koelschip (The Refrigerated Ship), where they came up with a 60% abv 120 proof tipple called ‘Start the Future’, in reference to Brewdog’s old faithful, ‘The End of History’.
 
Jan Nijboer from the Dutch brewery admits their ‘competition’ is a bit of fun and like Brewdog’s it is a beer to be consumed like a cocktail.
 
Just remember moderation is the key, as too much might persuade you to buy into the story of Paul the infamous octopus from the world cup that has been snapped up by agent Chris Davis from Tenbury Wells, Worcestshire England who intends to turn him into an even bigger star…a rock n roll star in fact.
 
Chris says, “One of the most exciting things is that he has is a record deal in place for an album called Paul the Octopus Sings Elvis.”
 
Books and toys on the clairvoyant cephalopod are to follow soon. And yes, you did read that right – the octopus is going to record a tribute album to Elvis.
 
Now, I don’t need Greenwich to tell me the future starts on the chalk face of life’s perpetual cycle, but seemingly the eternal record going round at the moment is the sound of Elvis leaving the building on a dustcart driven by an octopus called Paul, and keeping us all on this heady procreation track of nonsense and the absurd are the idiosyncrasies of man and that my old chums just happens to be the wonder of you!
 
 
Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘elvis fact - told you I was in a rush - no time’
 
Take it away: (only available on website!)
 
Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: PICASSO BUM – A woman who’s knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got four buttocks.
 
 
Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve, Geezer Butler, Albert Austin (silent film star), Roland Gift,
 
 
 
Animal news
*A 2metre tall kangaroo has been sexually menacing women at a place tainted-ly called Honeymoon’s Range in Australia’s Northern Territory. The aroused beast runs after lone women then stops a metre short and circles them; one, unnamed lady, said, “There was no doubt about what he wanted, the randy old thing.”
 
Another who had been followed a couple of times said, “He’s persistent – I’ll give him that.” – Yeah, but you how one thing leads to amother and soon there’ll be jumpers for goalposts as the ‘odd’ kid in school gets left out of all the games…
 
*Kiko the life saving Jack Russell on the other hand is just as it suggests a lifesaver, which is not an American ‘Polo’ mint but a toe eating dog.
 
Yep, Kiko ate his master’s big toe because it smelt a bit off. Mr Douthett went to sleep in Rockford Michigan US after a skin-full of beer and margaritas and woke up to find Kiko had eaten half his big toe. After a trip to the hospital doctors investigations showed he had undetected Type 2 diabetes’s and the infection was causing a right royal stink in more ways than one – so there you go, if you get eaten alive it’s probably for the best.
 
*Tenuous links surrounding the animal world is that Bingo in Blighty is being revamped for the masses with new acts such as Bunny Girls doing the calling with shouts of; “Your place or mine 69.” – Hop to it.
 
*Def Leppard’s Joe Elliott 50 and Ian Hunter 71 caused a riot at a gig when their roadies turned off the amps after a feud and a 30-man brawl ensued. The call went out, “Let’s have it you bastards.” – Later a roadie explained, “It was all in the spirit of rock n roll.” – Bet the drummer had to be picky who he hit.
 
*Chinese fishmonger Li Chang 43 fell into a vat of eels fully clothed and came out with one up his bum, but he was too embarrassed to tell colleagues. He then collapsed in agony and was taken to hospital where doctors removed an eel the width of two fingers and as long as an arm. – He is expected to make a full recovery – eel be alright. Perhaps him and Skippy the roo-kid could get together – he could plug the gap behind centre back.
 
Number crunching
Kira Varszegi from Connecticut US paints on canvas with her boobs – who doesn’t? But Kira sells hers on line for as much as £600. The lady from Turtle King Designs says, “My intention is to provoke emotion through my art, making living spaces more beautiful, spark conversation and most importantly make people smile.” – Must get in touch with her, I think they’d sell.
 
*The biggest hailstone ever recorded fell in a place called Vivian in South Dakota on 23rd July. Measuring 8inches across it weighed 1pound 15 ounces. It would have been 3inches bigger had the power not gone out in a storm as lay in a freezer waiting to be taken to the American National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration committee.
 
*Britain’s food has become 400 times hotter since the 60’s – must be the Dorset giant. From a 1,900 rate on the Scoville scale, which is used to measure chilli heat, the 60’s were mild compared to nowadays, where Thai curries and Indian vindaloo’s are the norm at around 50 – 350,000, but now there’s David’s Ghost Pepper Sauce at 800,000. Put that on your big toe and invite Skippy round for a nipple!
 
That’s about it for this week and the only thing to tell you is that, “The only knickers to be seen in are sexy high-waist ones.” – We’ll reveal more from Waistnippers next week.
 
Keep it wheel.
 
Just cf it
 
cf
 
 
Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

 

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