Crazy Fool's Newsround - 30th Jan - 5th Feb 09 volume 315

30th Jan - 5th Feb 09 volume 315
February, 05th 2009 20:31 PM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: God is on the phone to Jacque Cousteau trying to entice him to make a comeback as everyone else is rubbish. Mark Phelps is a dope smoking octopus and fool is a blue star fish.

JC: Bbbuuut, I am ze dead.

Big Cheese: No-one will ever know, this generation doesn’t know you and the old will be having translucently cool flash backs.

JC: but, but, but…

Big Cheese: No-one can talk to the fish like you JC

fool: I’m blue

JC: I cannot. It’s been too long. The pressure is too much

Big Cheese: Aw, come on. They love you

fool: I’m a Linckia laevigata

JC: I cannot, it’s too much, is give, how you say, palpitations now, see, I’m turning blue…

fool: I am blue. I’m a blue star fish

JC: See what I deal with. I cannot. It’s too much, too much, you hear, I cannot take it…

Mark Phelps: Hey dude, chill out, put your thumb on here and inhale. You can do it JC, you can do it. Do it for the fish

fool: I’m really blue. Like a big rubber glove. Blue…

Narrator: We interrupt this show in order to resuscitate the typist who has turned a funny colour and is screaming, ‘I can’t type this crap anymore’

fool: Is she blue? I’m blue.

1. Apart from being a Smurf’s bum is a blue star fish carnivorous or non-carnivorous?

2. The Magnificent Seven was a remake of which 50’s Japanese film?

3. Which popular tourist area is Northern Africa’s smallest country?

4. What animal was the first to be sent in to space by the Americans?

5. Which city did the cowardly lion want to get to?

6. In which century was Charles Darwin born?

7. Which radio and TV star used the phrase “in the best possible taste”?

8. Who were the original Levellers? A) A political movement in the American Civil War B) A political movement in the British Civil Wars C) A folk-punk band from the 80’s and 90’s

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? - 2009 – Everyone’s a winner baby that’s for sure, well the Dracule was last week with the correct answer to these clues; Clue No.1: “A slippery character, I still made it in the ‘Hall’ of Fame.” And lo, thus bringeth forth clue No.2, “I may be King of my ‘castle’ but I still get Badgered about.” – It was of course Toad of Toad Hall, from Wind in the Willows. So, that just leaves us time for a brand new clue; Clue No.1, “One of my best outfits frog-marched me all the way to a No.1 best seller.”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 4 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those feeling blue, try Hawaii:

Dracule: 1, (1)

Legal Eagle: 1, (1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Quizmaster:

Casualty:

Others:

Quote(s) for the week:

I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face

Harry Hill

*Non-descript trivia moment*

Bronte Siblings

Charlotte (1816-55) . Emily (1818-48) . Anne (1820-49) . Branwell (1817-48)

fool’s Gold

Thirty-one different shapes of UFO have been sighted

In the Stone Age half of all people were left-handed, but today only 5% of us are left-handed

People born in late summer or early autumn will grow taller and have stronger bones, regardless of which hemisphere you were born!

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

This week a term rather than a word.... SHOO IN

This one is spelled wrongly so often that it’s likely it will eventually end up that way (shoe in). The correct form is shoo-in, usually with a hyphen. It has been known in that spelling and with the meaning of a certain winner from the 1930s. It came from horse racing, where a shoo-in was the winner of a rigged race. (Trigger might use the term frequently, given his uncanny knack to pick winners)

It seems to have come from the verb shoo, meaning to drive a person or an animal in a given direction by making "shoo shoo" noises, which are usually loud rather than a soft shoo

(fool) I thought it meant to get a good kicking!

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

The misconception that ‘mate’ is an Aussie term. Not by any stretch suggesting it’s the Aussies who lay claimant to such spoutings. No, more so the common Anglophone-d dialectically challenged toss who deem it must be Aussie cos in their expatriacal society it’s easy to subconsciously absorb miss-clarities of origin, i.fucking.e. - Its London mate, cockney mate, as cockney as jellied eels, pie and mash and a slashed up brass in Whitechapel… savvy, me old China? That, and time, running out of time, where’s the bloody time mate, where’s it gone, can’t take it, got shit loads to do, turning blue, and who the fuck puts tea bags in individual paper packages? Lip-fucking-tons, that’s who – BASTARDS!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

The KOSPI and NIKKEI are doing quite well apparently, but if I were you I’d stick it in gold; it doesn’t erode

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #3

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate, back on the minced lamb and by golly its good – Got any pies?

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Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s there now – pretty good to catch this week’s Six Nations on.

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; back on song…next week

*Trigger: gives us a good shoo-in

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOWish – new and improved, with all the buttons – use them, they’re fun - Next one out – Soon, soon, very soon – maybe next week!

*Tit-bits – .../...I was walking down the street when…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with bogies is still doing the rounds whilst fool steady’s his kitchen. I’m making it this weekend if you’re interested? – Made it, loved it, ate it all in one sitting – 750g’s of the beast! – Although it was without the pie, kidney’s and oysters.

*Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*old...Fishman...old...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks! But for now catch up on the exploding monkey, lesbian divers and The Dog!

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – …What’s that, you’re singing the national anthem’s at the Six Nations? …

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie – there’ll be some frozen pickings soon and perhaps a round of Sumo, if you’re in Saigon

Now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move on:

A couple of Guinness’ to wet the whistle then it’s a hop over to Frog-land for their Top14 results and back to Blighty for a couple of International results before ‘shorts’ banter of the week and a dig into the upcoming Six Nations…savvy?

Guinness Premiership

Gloucester nipped the Exiles 23-21 in a game they looked to have no chance, well, certainly not at 18-3. But the cherry and whites hadn’t won a game since 3^rd January and in this game they dug in, regrouped and charged the Irish forging 4 tries; the last coming from Balshaw on his 50^th appearance. London Irish boss Toby Booth was shaken but not stirred as the Irish imploded towards the end of the game and also scuppered their potential lead in the league, “We penalised ourselves off the top of the table.” He said.

Harlequins were more ruthless in their ousting of Northampton, 27-6, and made sure the Saints still haven’t won away from home. MB Gary Botha snuck in for an early 3^rd minute try and with three-a-piece internationals missing from either side Quins coped better. Dave Strettle looked back to his best, and the fool says keep your eye on him. Saints boss Jim Mallinder conceded, “We were poor from 1-15.”

Incidentally Carlos Spencer is to leave Franklin Gardens this year by mutual consent. His four years, 102 appearances and 235 points have been superseded by young buck Stephen Myer who seems is now in favour. However the former, sporadic, All Black says he’ll play on for whoever wants him. Tell him to give the Saigon Dirty Geckos a call.

Sale Sharks saw off Worcester Warriors 37-20 and for the life of me how did a Manchester side get named after a big fish – where’s the sea? Sale Sods would be more appropriate. Anyway, their four tries to two was a good game bringing back in the fray names like Richard Wigglesworth and Dwayne Peel. Chris Latham also scored a cracking solo try before departing with his neck in a brace.

‘opping over le Channel:

Toulon beat Mont-de-Marsan 38-22 and finally Sonny Boy Williams showed up…and he’s good/ Stade Francais and Perpignan drew 13-all with Dan Carter chipping for the speedy Maxime Medard to touch down. Lional Beaxois attacked all day and Mathieu Bastareaud and Ovidiu Tanta had a fight and got yellows/ Biarritz stuck one past Toulouse 17-13, where David Skrela shone/ Clermont dominated Bayonne 44-10 with five tries to two where all conversions and three penalties were slotted taboot./ Castres and Brive shared an 11-11 scoreline, which was basically a missed chance for Castres to advance in next years Heineken Cup./ Bourgoin helped their selves off relegation zone with a 25-15 win over Montauban/ And Vietnam’s Trinh Duc’s late penalty halted Dax’s chance of a bonus point in Montpellier’s 23-14 win

Internationals:

The Scarlets beat the Baa Baa’s in a game to open their new Parc y Scarlets Stadium – don’t know score! And the English Saxons beat Portugal 66-0 which had 6 caps in their side – it was played in Stockport which is near Sale but not sharks!

Some Shorts:

As the Super 14’s loom teams are bracing themselves for carnage and especially looking forward to it is the Tah’s lock Will Caldwell, who according to his good self is just the man to take over Vickerman’s hard-man slot; “With Vicks (Vickerman) leaving it opens up a spot for that hard-nosed player, the aggressive player doing the tighter, harder stuff. I think my game over the years has formed into that role, and I feel myself that I could certainly fill that role.” – Big shoe –ins Will; give it a go.

Brumbies fly half Christian Lealiifano is back from his shoulder injury and is keen to prove a point to his rivals Quade Cooper and Kurtly Beale, “My main focus is myself. I can’t worry about what they’re doing and how they’re going.” – fool says they should be worrying about you. Bill and Leafy will be in my fantasy team!

The MB’s have contracted 19 players for Test business. They get squad fees, match fees and with a win bonus depending on who the opponent is; whether they’re in the top tier or Tier II bracket. The top Tier being in the top six teams adjudged by the IRB at the close of June or is it the beginning of June?

Meanwhile Australian players HAVE taken a pay cut – an A$874 pay cut. They were expecting a 4.2% increase going into 2009, but that’s gone tits up – I blame the Chinese.

Not happy with trying to sign Sgt. Wilko along with the 14 or so other internationals they have on the books at PR D2 Racing Metro 92, the French outfit are now gunning for MB Francois Steyn at a record breaking ₤300k a year.

And, is Eddie O’Sullivan taking the US Eagles post?

Six Nations talk:

First game is England v Italy at Twickenham and when Andy Goode left for Brive last year from Leicester he asked Jonno what his chances were for the No.10 shirt, he said, “He told me there were guys ahead of me in the pecking order but also made it clear he selected on form and fitness not geography.” – That means the Flood is injured and the Cip’s is in the Saxons.

England, who are in that transitional stage, look to old heads in the shape of Tindall, Cueto and Sheridan, whilst young gun Steffan Armitage, brother of full back Delon, takes openside.

If England have a wealth of uncapped backs coming through, Italy on the other boot have just exhausted their third scrumhalf, Pablo Canavosio, through injury and are now relying on 1.85m and 98kg centre Marco Bergamasco to fill the spot – I thought all scrum halves were that weight!

Italy have improved immensely, their penalty count is down, but can they close a game and play for the vital 80…? – No. England meanwhile are lacking consistency at 9 & 10 and need leaders.

fool says: England 30 Italy 17

France visit Ireland at Croke Park, and for all their pre tournament expectations France will find it hard. Irelands centre pairing on B.O’D and Luke Fitzgerald could be key here, along with Rob Kearney behind them; as B.O’D says himself, “There’s definitely an added incentive to individually and collectively perform in the Six Nations due to the summer Lions tour.”

Ireland’s/ Munster’s pack speaks for itself, and will snuggle up quietly balanced with the French but the backs could be where this game counts and you sense with Clement Poitrenaud back at full back the French seem to be thinking 1980’s Serge Blanco counter-attack stuff. He hasn’t played since the 2007 World Cup yet his form at Toulouse has caused the speedster Maxime Medard to move to wing, and Cedric Heymans on the bench, not to mention Florian Fritz and Yannick Jauzion in the centres. Clement says he’s grown up; “I am growing up, I am more consistent now, each time I go on the pitch I give everything. Before I could be a little too cool.” - fool says you’re a cunt.

If O’Gara gets good ball for his backs anything can happen, but fool reckons it’s the Frog’s year

fool says: Ireland will croak 18 France 21

Scotland v Wales in Murrayfield. The Scots came good in the autumn didn’t they? They only needed a kicker to beat the MB’s but they didn’t have one in either Paterson or Parks, now they have Godman. Wales on the other hand will have a lot to do in this game let alone gun for a consecutive Grand Slam, something they haven’t achieved since 1908/9, nor any team since the French in 97/98 in the Five Nations. Warren Gatland is apprehensive, “I don’t think I have ever been involved in a squad that has gone in as favourites.” – Well, don’t worry, you’re not, the French are.

Mind you, it’s a three way horse with the Red, Blue and Green and as 33 year-old Martyn Williams said, “After doing so well last year, there’s a real good buzz around the place. It’s exciting.”

Form says the Welsh should munch it…but anything can happen at Murrayfield

fool says: Scotland 21 Ireland 32

I’m done.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup – too late! Yes, he has had had two takers – and yes, he is now upping the anti to 2015 – and yes, the betting window for 2011 is closed – so up yours.

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get. Please call now: please, someone call…

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free tshirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

England have approached the Windies Test as if it were a warm up for the Ashes. Australia and New Zealand are scratching each other’s eye’s out, whilst the ICC are changing results - Is it cricket or is it whoo-haa?

Let’s start with swearing and turning blue, cos I am…a star fish…and that’s not an arsehole, although last nights curry may paint a Japanese picture – ugh!

Hhhharmy last played at Sabina Park in the Windies in 2004 and notched 7 for 12 and secured the No.1 bowler in the world spot, as the islanders fell for 47 all out. Since then the self confessed Harmful has wilted to the Harmless and he doesn’t know why; “It exasperated me more than anyone. But whatever happens I’ve always said that, when I pull my boots on out there, I’ll try my nuts off. The Ashes bid starts on Wednesday morning, that’s the big thing for us.” – See.

Fuck the Ashes you twat, and just win this one. After day one England are 236 for 5. KP went for 97 after his final slogs went for a four, a four, a six and out and said, “That’s the way I play, I got to 97 playing that way, the 100 wasn’t to be, no drama. There was no adrenalin; I just tried to hit him for six.” – He’s up for a million quid starting price at the IPL auction on Friday.

Australia proved to their fans what the rest of the world knew was coming for a long a time and slipped to No.2 in the ODI world ratings after losing to New Zealand by 2 wickets, not to mention the series to the Proteas.

Then Vettori got bored of beating them and spiced things up by calling Haddin a cheat in the press conference. Vettori accused Haddin of stumping Neil Broom with his gloves as opposed to ball. Haddin defended himself saying, “I was unaware at the time that my hands were in front of the stumps but I’m 100% certain the ball hit the stumps and bounced into my gloves.” – He then went on to say Daniel’s comments were a bit ‘low’ and that, “he could have come to talk to me.” – Grrr, saucer of milk table 12.

The Punts who has been rested for the remaining two games has since came out and backed Haddin and both have accepted the text message apology sent from Vettori…except Vettori says there was no text message apology – the saga continues and Symonds is still drunk.

Idiots have taken over the asylum and decreed that the Middlesex Crusaders can no longer be called the Middlesex Crusaders, which it has been for ten years, because it may offend Muslims and Jews. An insider of Levi Strauss’ club, and you’re telling me he’s not Jewish, says, “The world has gone batty.” – I’m not sure, is that batist?

And the ICC bosses have changed the drawn Test between England and Pakistan in 2006 to a win for England, but haven’t stated that it is actually Bob Woolmer and Darryl Hair who are working with Elvis in a chip shop in Clacton-on-Sea.

Nurse…

Till next week…

Other sports:

Roger Federer proved himself to be a big poof by crying after losing to Nadal 7-5, 3-6, 7-6, 3-6 in the Aussie Open in Melbourne last week. Hanging around on the court after the match the Swiss Nazi blubbed, “You’re stuck out there, it’s the worst feeling, it’s rough.” – Never mind dear.

Porn interrupted the Super Bowl for nearly a minute in 80,000 Tucson homes last week, as an actress got jiggy with herself, Janet Jackson was no where to be seen. A T.V. insider said, “We’ve no idea how this happened.” – Again, the Chinese.

And Michael Phelps said this after being caught smoking a bong whilst visiting his secret lover Jordan Mathews at the University of South Carolina; “I’m 23, and despite the success I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way – not a manner people have come to expect from me.” – Oh, I don’t know – six gold in 2004 you were done for drink driving, 8 gold’s in 2008 its dope – University in South Carolina I reckon you’d be ready for a lynching in 2012!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Now, by all accounts I’ve had it up to here today, but there’s been a couple of stories that have caught my eye; first being 28-year-old Texan Stella Hershey who has officially the biggest boob job in the world at a whopping 38KKK (whale puppies). It took her nine ops to get where she is, which is probably very unbalanced. Yanks Docs refused to go past 38FFF saying there was a good chance she’d explode, so she went South to Brazil, who would have sewn a cock on each if she had the cash. And she would have had if her British boyfriend hadn’t left her after he paid for the initial ops but then begged her to stop; Stella said, “I loved him very much but I had to leave him to follow my dream.”

Back down to Earth or just north of it, 457 light years north, somewhere in another solar system, is a planet not dissimilar to ours; it’s a rocky orbiting star about twice the size of ours and orbits the sun every 20 hours. All good except the surface is a fiery 1000°C – 1,500°C and covered in lava or water vapour - that’s steam isn’t it? A European Space Agency satellite called COROT found it so it’s called COROT – Exa 7b. Malcolm Fridland from the Agency said, “For the first time we have detected a planet that is ‘rocky’ in the same sense as Earth.” – ‘From the Agency’ …I’d like to say that. Aha, just did. That’s better.

another planet

Robbie Williams is nuts he admits it. To prove it further he’s moved into a ₤7m country estate in Wiltshire to be near the Aliens, as his manor lies on 71 acres of some of the best ‘ley lines’ in England. UFO’s are attracted to these mystical ‘ley lines’ and so are crop circles apparently. Thousands flock there in the summer to look at the ground and the sky and generally kick off proceedings in the local pub, The White Horse, which just happens to be one of the most haunted in the land. Chris Williams, organiser of the Swindon based UFO group SUFOR said, “Wiltshire has a really rich history of fortean things – unexplained phenomena.” – Glad he explained that, just in case we thought it meant shite.

Something very Fortean in a recent poll in the UK is the suggestion that Gary Barlow from Take That is Britain’s best songwriter. One.poll.com had John Lennon at second, and well here you go: 3. Paul McCartney, 4. Chris Martin, 5. oh, I don’t know, there was Bee Gees, Robbie Williams, Sting, Kate Bush – where did it all go wrong…just when did the world really mess up. Really, do you know who Gary Barlow is? No, exactly. I don’t know why our Granddad’s bothered. I said to the wife the other day…

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! “Gary Barlow lit a cigarette but didn’t inhale and was subsequently granted an afternoon with the Pope; Bono.”

By all accounts 2 million Brit couples swing and a further 6million would like to – 15% of the randy sods are from Manchester. If they’re having any problems in the pole area then perhaps new wonder drug Cialis One A Day can help. It’s effective only after sexual stimulation and keeps the old chap alert for as long as you need. Dr Suks (real name) Minhas says, “It would divide limiting the pressure of sexual relationships to a timetable around taking a pill.” – Do you see where our world is heading…I’m worried…really worried. (Yeah, just half a dozen Doc, I’ll see how they go)

At last, here’s something normal: a man was arrested after he was caught smuggling two live pigeons down his trousers from Dubai to Melbourne…what? ...Move on.

remember the Hudson

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

The world’s largest serpent fossil has been unearthed in north eastern Colombia and is a staggering 42-45ft. long. Titanoboa cerrejonensis, named after ‘titanic boa from cerrejon’ lived about 58-60 million years ago and Jack Conrad from the American Museum of Natural History in New York said, “The thing weighs more than a bison and is longer than a city bus. It could easily eat something like a cow. A human being would be toast immediately.” – Congratulations to Mr Ivor Hardon who won a free t-shirt last week for guessing the band that sang Toast – It’s in the post Ivor. If you would like to win a prize all you have to do is send in your answer to this question; How many…

Gotham, Notts, UK has just had its biggest crime wave of 10 burglaries and 3 car break ins in four weeks. Councillor Trevor Vennett-Smith from the town where a US writer took the name for his Batman numbers, said, “It’s our worst crime out break in 25 years.” – See, what’s the world coming to?

Zhou Zhiping is 99 and on trial in Beijing accused of trying to swindle an American company out of ₤76k - If found guilty he faces life.

Donna Dawson’s a TV psychologist on Sky’s HD channel and she says, “Colour research reveals bright colours lift your mood and can help you feel more positive, excited, happy and relaxed. Laughter has also been known to release endorphins from the brain, the body’s natural feel good chemicals. By watching an uplifting film…” hey, wait a minute, I get it – get off my page Donna – keep your High Definition TV channels with your own advertising companies – I’ll just keep to the drugs thanks!

Ok, lastly, because I’ve really got to go to bed; a couple who had a 13 inch garden ornament sat on their porch for 20 years were blind to the fact it was a 3000 year-old Egyptian relic and was originally used to protect organs of the dead. The anonymous owner from north Dorset said, “It came from an uncle and was just a decorative piece, a lump of stone. Then we noticed the face and had it valued.” The piece from the New Kingdom, 1550-1069BC was used to hold a liver and the face was that of the god Imseti. However because it is slightly damaged it is only expected to fetch about a bag o’ sand.