Crazy Fool's Newsround - 30th Apr - 6th May 10 volume 378

30th Apr - 6th May 10 volume 378
May, 05th 2010 20:13 PM

“Back in ’68 in a sweaty club

Oh, Geno

Before Jimmy’s Machine and the Rocksteady Rub

Oh-oh-oh Gen-o”

(Dexy’s Midnight Runners)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 6.5.10

For the Household Cavalry

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Tunick’s removed

The eyes of beauty and art were cemented within four thousand holders this week when Spencer Tunick, the renowned capturer of nudity, focussed his photographic lens in a park in Salford, Manchester.

In his depiction to create artist LS Lowry’s images of everyday people through ‘matchstick’ images going about their daily routines, Spencer’s subjects were whittled from four thousand applicants to the required thousand participants nonchalantly walking about the park in the buff.

He said, “I feel I didn’t miss anything. I made some really good work here.”

Spencer has removed himself from conventional art and has taken his ‘nude show’ all over the world providing equally natural settings where hordes of ‘getemoutists’ have bustled to get their bits on camera, such as Sydney’s Opera House, Mexico City, Aletsch Glacier Switzerland and Blarney Castle in County Cork.

His next project is the Vatican.

Keep it in the family…album

Pearl Carter is a 72 year-old granny from Indiana who is about to spend her $54,000 pension on a surrogate mother for her grandson’s child.

Phil Bailey is the 26 year-old grandson from New Zealand who tracked Pearl down after his mother, her daughter, died. They then fell in love and yes, the surrogate mother is carrying their child.

From a strict catholic upbringing, 18 year old single mum Pearl wasn’t allowed to keep her baby and was forced to give it up for adoption. Years later she was surprised to see her grandson on her doorstep one sunny morning, but not as surprised as when after a week of flirting they found themselves canoodling on her bed.

Pearl took solace in advice she received from the local drunk that Genetic Sexual Attraction or GSA is common amongst the senile and so the penny dropped along with her knickers and neither have looked back.

She said, “I could now understand feelings and realise they weren’t wrong.’

fool asked the Vatican if a child out of wedlock is a sin, but received only a postcard saying ‘wish you were here’.

Ashes to ashes

Hitler is in a stream somewhere in East Germany. Ex KGB Vladimir Gumenyech 73 in the only survivor of three, who in 1970 were told to dig up Hitler and his strumpet Eva Braun, plus Goebbles and his family and dispose of them.

“We were ordered to burn the remains of Hitler and all his entourage and blow them to the wind.”

He explained how they went to a cliff top of a stream dressed as fishermen, and explained, ‘20 seconds and the job was done.’ However, he didn’t reveal who did the blowing.

Meanwhile Australian gangster Carl Williams was laid to rest this week in an £18k gold casket. He was dead. He was also rich. He will also get dug up.

The crook was killed in jail whilst serving three life sentences for killing 5 other gangsters during Melbourne’s hatty days of turbulence in the 90’s.

His step daughter Bree most remembers him for his kindness and said at his funeral, “You gave me $500 after my teeth fell out, because you were drunk. You were my best friend.”

It’s not often a gangster compensates - Must have been an accident.

Cat Calling

Three Afghani refugee teenagers have been walking four thousand km’s to Britain. They were finally detained in Hungary after police rounded them up on the grounds of vagrancy, which is near Budapest.

They have neither worked nor stolen for food but have dined from rubbish bins saying, “stealing is a sin”. Police are so far convinced the two 17 year-olds and one 14 year old are telling the truth as they seem very close and very polite, not to mention skinny.

Asked why they wanted to go to Britain they replied, “London is where the best music comes from, so that’s where we want to walk to.”

Police then detained them in a seat carved out of a gherkin and played Ganxsta Zolee, Sub Bass Monster, Dopeman, Belga and Aliva es a Mukusok for 24 hours until they bled goulash.

Then when Iceland’s dust cloud blew over they all went to Britain’s Carnaby Street dressed as twiggy looking for Cat Stevens.

On a lighter side and just before we head into some rock n roll capes; Chinese chef Sichuan Chanin 59 died after a drunken night out with pals when after he passed out they slid a 50cm Asian Swamp eel up his bottom. It devoured his bowels.

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Cat Stevens is not a cat – fact.”

Not a cat.

Most famous people from Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle,

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Pablo Picasso’s painting of his blonde mistress sold for $106.4m - the record sale at auction of Marie Therese Walter called Nude, Green Leaves But had absolutely nothing to do with the world’s biggest price for a car sold at auction, which was a 1936 Bugatti at £30m.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: GOING FOR A McSHIT: entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

Hello, is it me you’re looking for

Russian politician Kirsen Ilyumzhinov recently stated on TV that he had been abducted by aliens.

Kirsen, who is in charge of the southern region of Kalymikia on the Caspian Sea said “a half transparent – half tube” spaceship pulled up outside his balcony in his apartment in Moscow and figures, very human-like, in yellow space-suits led him on a tour of their ship and took some samples.

Despite being accused of leaking state secrets, MP’s are demanding guidelines for such an event.

3-2-1

Peter Root has a great name, besides that he’s a part time lecturer in Guernsey, but above all that he made a mini city out of staples – 100,000 of them

He calls his six by three metre master piece the Ephemicropolis and states it is symbolic against our oppression towards labour; “I feel people are able to recognise and connect with the labour involved in the creative process of work like Ephemicropolis, and that there is an element of excitement knowing that 40 hours of the hard work could be destroyed in a few seconds.”

This message will self detonate with the aid of a lit match

Animal farm

Glyniss Porter 58 suffered a broken leg, a mangled ankle and cut eye after a cow repeatedly head butted her and trampled on her - Not repeatedly as in week after week, but in one sitting so to speak.

She managed to wriggle out of the situation by screaming, which gave the cow the shits and hobbled over a fence where she called an ambulance on her mobile phone.

That was in Leicestershire, had she been in Gloucestershire she may have seen something she didn’t want to over that fence.

In Barrow Wake viewpoint near Gloucester locals have torn down a fake sign saying ‘Official Dogging Site’, which over the years has been littered with, well, doggers.

One man said, “If you park there you get accosted by people after ‘stranger sex’, I believe the terminology is. It has become a no go area for residents.”

The man from Leicester went on to say, “Look out, here come some doggers now, we might be in for some luck. Hold this and keep it rolling.”

fool says - Keep it wheel.

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

The rugby bit:

Toulouse on the nose

Riding on the back of a short week, due to red tape and frivolities, this week’s rant-up comes at a price; predominantly content! Nevertheless, here we go:

Go the Saigon Geckos

Published 6.5.10

Heineken Cup:

France slashed Ireland’s odds of making the final to zero when Toulouse and Biarritz beat Leinster and Munster respectively - their respective scores; 26-16 and 18-7.

Dimtitri Yachivili’s boot rounded off a second half forward dominance against Munster and Imanol Harinordoquy wore the most outrageous facial plaster to protect a broken nose since Gerard Depardieu played that bloke with the outrageously enormous nose in Cyrano de Bergerac… in fact it was Cyrano de Bergerac playing Eustache Dauger from The Man in the Iron Mask… no, I stand corrected, it was…Whoever it was he’s got busted ribs in this game too and is very doubtful for the final.

In the aptly named stadium in Toulouse called Le Stadium, Toulouse held last year’s winners, Leinster, comfortably and will go into the final on 22^nd May as favourites. And you do not get more in depth than that, unless you go into Cyrano de Bergerac’s nose without a Depardieu.

Meanwhile, Biarritz’s Ian Balshaw has been consulting the odds books on their chances whacking favourites Toulouse and came up with; “We played them in Toulouse and they gave us a good seeing to, we played them down here and gave them a good seeing to.” – He concluded saying, “Someone’s going to get a good seeing to.”

Guinness Premiership: Heineken Cup

Top 14: Heineken Cup

Magners League: Heineken Cup

Super14’s

At the arse-end of the world, where Highlanders ply their trade, Invercargill’s son’s toiled away at the wind and the rain and the Tah’s and came up smelling three tries to one the better, knocking them over 26-10/ Stormers meantime are just getting better and beginning to mix their Bacardi’s Breezier. They took Crusaders 42-14 in an excellent game that saw Carter touch down first from a charge down then his game just went to pot. The Stormers defence locked in and some big hits were called for. Jacque Fourie stole try of the day with a jink on half way and like a run away train steamed, weaved and sped his way through five defenders/ ‘Canes put four tries past Chiefs in the first 30 minutes. Then all hell broke loose through mistakes and brilliance and the game finished 33-27 to the Wellington outfit/ Brumbies pretty much put the Reds in their place. Better continuity in the phase ball earned them the bonus point plus two more tries for prop Ben Alexander, which takes his tally to six this season. The ‘Horse’s won 32-12/ Cheetahs beat Blues 36-32 in only their third win of the season. It was enough to squash any chances of the Blues making the play-off’s and a lot of Cheetahs efforts must come down to Juan Smith, who despite being 43 is still every where/ The Mighty Force continue to win, now they know they’ve got nothing to win for and took the hapless Lions 33-12 in Lion-land. That’s the Lions 11^th straight loss this season, twelve if you include last season/ Bulls ground out a laboured win in Pretoria over Sharks 27-19. Percentage rugby stopped the Sharks making any momentum, which culminated with the best score by a combination of Wynand Oliver and Zane Kirchner to help Jacque Louis Potgeiter roll over the line.

fool says:

Four big games, all home side wins, except No.3: Bulls v Crusaders, Leicester v Saracens, Cardiff Blues v Munster, Clermont v Racing Metro 92

Some shorts:

Mirco Bergamasco is hopping across town from Stade Francais to Racing Club Metro 92, whilst the other big shufflers are Lewis Moody to Bath from Leicester and Thomas Waldrum into Leicester from Crusaders and, and, and Troy Flavell’s signed with the Bayonnets – get stuck in - get it, got it, good.

Agen are back in the Top14 after a two absence with the plebs. They sealed it with a 34-11 win over Lyon OU with two tries each from Romain Edward-Samuel and remember this bloke - Rupeni Caucanibuca.

Mike Catt plays his last game this weekend. At 38, his player-coach role with L. Irish will take only the latter next season. Mike joined Bath in 1992, played 75 Tests for England and one for British & Irish Lions. His name is Mike Catt.

Some competitions now: If you’d like to take part in fool’s rugby comps check out the comps & results page –win a prize!

Send your team(s) to cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Also - See THE NEW extra RUGBY BIT’s new column for: ‘Gezza Strip’

end rugby here!

Bar & Restaurant

Superb home style Thai food with a bonus of bacon and bangers see www.chili-restaurant-phuket.com for more

Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that… Sangria, mojito’s, plenty, plenty, plenty of wine and beer; Plus, The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam, and perhaps a little off centre of Phuket. Cracking live music too.

www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

A willow the wisp of cricket now:

And now ladies and gentlemen a thribble on the light side:

Thank God it’s not cricket

On the whole, cricket this week has been largely dominated by shits and giggles, which is very disproportional, and quite frankly not cheese…sorry, cricket…or is it?

fool recently attended the ECCS’ start of their world tour to Phuket, which under the laws of jaunting; divulgence of, on or how, needless to be said any, let alone the why, are greatly deterred, as stated and underlined in all touring party’s manifestos.

By all accounts the same rule applied when a fat bloke in a beard, (literally…in a beard, all tied up in a big bunch of beard) who also tied his whites up with his old school tie and declared his 1000 not out in his first innings against Papa New Guinea in 1547 valid until he sobered upon returning to Plymouth in 1892 for the second innings, where upon he scored a rich 2 before the rains stopped play and beard won because neither Duckworth and nor Lewis weren’t born yet.

So fool packed his bags and followed the rather inconspicuous gentry back to Saigon with hearty plans of spurring them on in their semi final bout for the VCA League cup, only to have realised he, himself, was actually on tour and therefore invalid to offer opinion, so he stayed in Papa’s New Guinea House, which has recently changed its name to Latin Bar.

Luckily Duckworth and Lewis were holding a tournament in the Caribbean, which tickled Lalit Modi’s interest in the cheer leaders rain dances. Suddenly Nagpur in dry season never looked so appealing.

Meanwhile on the D&L track in the Caribbean, England smashed the Windies about for 191-5, before rain and a D/L revised total of 60 in six overs handed the game to Chris Gayle and his millionaires.

Colly wasn’t happy, saying, “I’m trying to take the emotion out of this but 95% you score 191 you’re going to win.” – Aaarrrggghhh.

Australia recovered from their warm-up loss to the Zim’s by beating Pakistan by 34 runs. Shane Watson stroked an 81* then declared, “Five years ago this was a tournament for growing a moustache and drinking piss, now we’re stroking 81’s…far out.”

However, there have been two ton-up’s so far; awarded to Mahela Jaywardene against the Zim’s, who’s game was also revised due to rain. The Zim’s needed 107 off 11 which never looked likely and never happened.

India’s Suresh Raina was the other ton-up who put a three figure score against South Africa.

England had to beat Ireland to make it through to the Super Eights and knocking 120 for 8 wasn’t their best plan. Luckily the rains came, which took the contest out of it. The game was void and England went through on points difference.

Frank of the said Duckworth commented on Colly’s earlier proposal of changing the D/L ruling for T20 games, saying, “Quite frankly I don’t think there is any need to tweak the method for T20 matches.”

“There has been about 70 T20 wickets decided by Duckworth and Lewis and in only two of those has any dissent been expressed and both of them were by Paul Collingwood and the England team as a result of failing to win against West Indies.”

‘about 70 T20 wickets…’ – Bloke wants to get his facts right, about, about…his facts.

New Zealander McCullum got about 3-16 before the Zim’s exited the tournament after scuffling to 84 all out and the D/L system intervened the Black Caps total to about 36 in 8 overs – roughly.

Australia and South Africa were the last two teams to saunter into the Eight – they beat the Bangles and Afghanistan respectively and thoroughly.

Either side of the shady side of hits, giggles, Tests and tours is the whispering grass of discretion and this song is dedicated to el presidente of ECCS who requested it on the fool’s radio show a while back, but we couldn’t get it, so those on the website sit back and relax and good luck on Sunday in the final against the tea boys… Lovely boy, lovely boy…

Till next week…

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

www.cfnr.co.uk

Other Sports:

In F1

Spain is next on the grid and Virgin would have had their fuel tank issues sorted during the three week gap since China, but for Iceland – not the supermarket of frozen foods but the pipe smoke from all those Bjork’s.

At least one of the required fuel tanks got through the haze on time and German Timo Glock will shunt that one around whilst Brazilian Lucas di Grassi deals with the old chassis.

Englishman Richard Branson said nothing.

In boxing:

Floyd Mayweather Jnr cruised to his 41^st win with a unanimous decision against Mosely. So one-sided it was, the mouthy bastard paused only briefly to make himself look human by saying what a great boxer the 38 year-old Mosely was before egging Many Paquaio on for another taunt.

“I went toe-to-toe. That’s not my style but I wanted to give them that kind of fight and I knew I could do it.” He said in regards to crowd pleasing.

For Manny, “If he will take the blood and urine tests, we can make this fight happen for all the fans.”

To the mirror, “Grrrrrrrrr. Better keep talking tough yo, cos no one gonna respect what a man does in the ring unless you’re Elton John and you ain’t my weight bro. Yo, slip me some Billie, cos I’m mean jean like jelly bean, ow, ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa…so you wanna be starting something, you gotta be starting something…”

World Cup news:

Chief Executive Officer 2010 FIFA World Cup organising Committee of South Africa Dr. Danny Jordaan has been reflecting this week on the long term goals achieved for the potential for Africa as whole.

With R20billion pumped into either a spread of existing airports or just Durban’s new one, plus billions to improve road and rail infrastructure, six new stadiums, not to mention 30 new hotels in Jo’burg alone prospects of a brighter future look imminent.

He said, “It’s also about your reputation. It’s the country’s ability to deliver on what it promises.” – So when it does all kick off there should be easier routes to hospitals, police stations, chemists and Angola.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com
Not just a walk in the park

And now this:

Play of the Day by Jimmy Hill

It is Him

The scene: In a sweaty club in 1968 Jimmy’s Machine is playing Val Doonican’s, Paddy McGinty’s Goat.

Jimi: Wasn’t me. I’m not a ‘Y’.

fool: Indeed.

Jimi: I could do it though

fool: Indeed

Narrator: And so Jimi and fool sat mesmerised by the goat and pondered. Quiz please:

1. How old was Paddy McGinty’s Goat?

2. Bob Hawke and Paul Keating were prime Ministers of what country?

3. How many hills of Rome are there?

4. An ossicle is a small what?

5. Approximately how many feet are there in a fathom?

6. Which university is the oldest in the USA?

7. In which country did the Sharpeville massacre take place?

8. Who devised the first ballpoint pen? A) Baron Bic B) Laszlo Biro C) Louis E. Waterman

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

cf’s Quiz Night at… in 2010!

WHO AM I? – 2010 – Rod Stewart – NO. Bram Stoker – NO. Paul Simon – NO. Dame Ednar – NO – Joe Dallesandro – NO Dwight Frye - NO. – Yes to James Mason and thanks to the SLPfkaQ for getting it! “I was the best Dracula’s keeper.” And No.2, “I didn’t have to roll up my trouser leg to get the part.” No. 3 “Such a cunning fox, I was in fact a rat.” No.4 “In The fool of the Roman Empire, this was me. This picture maybe a clue!” – So to a new clue, “My cd’s are worth at least £2.49 now.”

Is it me?

Send in answers to: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Welcome to the 2010 scoreboard; week 20 bonus points tally in brackets for the first answer in. (For all previous answers to the main quiz see: *comps and results page in the categories.)

With all the ones and the brackets:

The Slackers, pardon I, The Regulars

Dracule:

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1 (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure:

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1, (1, 1, 1, 1)

Casualty:

Aye:

Others: flip-all

Let’s move on shall we:

Quote(s) for the week:

Marjorie Dawes: Now, crisps are high in fat, but they are also low in protein and low in fibre! See? It’s not all bad!

Little Britain

*Non-descript trivia moment*

I LOVE YOU

Afrikaans… Ekhet jou life

Arabic…Ohhe-buk

Burmese…Nin ko nga chitde; Chit pa de

Cantonese…Ngor oi ley

Catalan T’estimo

fool’s Gold

James Dean died in a Porsche Sydor

You can avoid sinking in quicksand by lying on your back and raising your legs slowly

Popeye the Sailor’s home port was Sweetwater

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one

every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their restaurants in Saigon, Vietnam

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

The word is we have no word, but we do have this from the Doc…

Letters: p.t.o

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Indecisively clammy – the notion of processed thoughts executed indiscriminately through the indertermination of shilly-shallying, coupled with a humid overcoat of damp expectations. Damn it’s hot Caruthers.

I’m sure I’ll wonder whether I can carry on with this week’s rant, but it’s been bugging me all week and until the ditherings have been fought, doubt to its credence will forever be its aphoristic.

It is within this thunk I conclude an open verdict of guilty as hell and shall be ordered to pay the muggy heavens of virtue their dues and fall merrily, although silently hesitant into a deep recess of exerted contemplation – being indecisively clammy - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

The decaying browned jackfruit that lays waste on the garden floor, with its stork for a nose and two white seeds visible through putrefied flesh and the prickles combed back, it looks just like a fat old hedgehog.

There is nothing to see here – turn the page

www.cfnr.co.uk

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

Ok, what else is on in cfnr this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; says he’ll be back next week

*Trigger: catching his brother soon

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Snoop Dig

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Randall, Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…Some more letters from Viz…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

*Comps and results

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…up, up and hay…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity