The Scene: It's 40 miles east of Hilton, a cloudy ‘Scots' town just a gallop past Pietzmaritzbuerg, the home of Ghandi, deep in the heart of the out of yonder Drakensberg mountain range, just shy of Crackoneoutsberg, Natal, South Africa. fool is with Ghandi and he's in a ‘busy being self important' trying to impress the man with big feet, whilst overlooking his cattle. A fire rages out of control from the counting station and the wind is spreading it quickly across the grazing fields and heading for the homesteads.

Cattle hand: Mr. fool, Mr. fool, the fire is changing direction, shall I take the cattle onto Mr. Nincompoop's land?

fool: Mr.fool, Mr. fool, what are you talking about eh? I don't have time for such formalities...

Cattle hand: But, the fire Sir...

fool: uck now man, Mr. Sir, no, no, no. We have no...

Cattle hand: But...

fool: Eh, now that's enough eh, I'll not be Mr. Sir. Master, no God damn it, err excuse my blasphemous tones Ghandi fella, but you lad, it's fool, crazy, crazy fool, hey you fool, fool on a horse, oi crazy, crazy fool that is crazy, fool the more you, there hey fool, crazy in a hat fool...(by now the fire has reached them and the cattle hand and Ghandi have fled, fool sits alone on his horse, rattling off nonsensical proper nouns to the orange-flamed wind, then starts singing Elvis, ‘now and then there's a fool such as I...')

(Ghandi and the cattle hand are now safe, sitting on a rock down the hillside. Ghandi turns to the cattle hand as fool gallops past, blacked by the smoke, screaming for water)

Ghandi: Agh, fool's rush in where Ghandi fears to tread.

Somehow time has elapsed me on this one, and I'll leave it as is - as unfinished as an unfinished thingy-ma-jig...no seriously, it was supposed to be gearing towards being busy, you know, up to your neck in it, no time to shite and all that, but hey ho, my 15 minute time slot on this piece is up, and it's time to move on...

So let's quit this baron land of nonsense and save some time for a whip-cracking crack at the quiz:

1. ‘No time to say hello, goodbye I'm...' Who would've said that in an LSD induced children's book?

2. The illness pertussis is more commonly called what?

3. A Blue Orpington is a type of what?

4. What is Paul McCartney's first name?

5. What nationality is Salman Rushdie?

6. The Bee Gees were born on which island?

7. Why do woodpeckers peck trees?

8. In which three years of the 20^th century were Olympic Games cancelled due to war?

Get the feed back in *Comps & results in http://www.cfnr.co.uk/  meanwhile have you spotted the WHO AM I?

WHO AM I? Clue No.2 ‘You win some you lose some, it's all the same to me...'

Is it me?

Ok, let's take this space in the page to doff the cap to the hearty of hearty's:

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega, bodega - oh baby when you dance like that - the rooftop bar is simply the proverbial.

GTM - probably the best garden & leisure furniture Saigon produces.

Bootlace Holidays - fancy a walk in the Apple Hurruhs - the fool's been there on many an occassion and he can tell you, its grrrrrreat - hit the link.

All good, but what's in cfn this week? Hold on, I'll tell ya - we got *Digger on the case of round 2 of the AFl. *Trigger's got the gee-gee's down-pat hasn't he - if you follow his guide you'd be well and truly in the black.

 Then there's the usual *Tit-bits - which is full of em. A new *TiV...I think! Have you read *About the Author? Sniffed at *cf's Top 100? And hang on, what's this, the *Fishman cometh? - Have a gander and give him a call when you want fish! Err, a late call, he's caught up and will be here next week. And I've just about had it up to here wid dem dere *Bongo Massif Bro's.

Call in the big boys

But now folks it's rubber-gee:

I dillied and dallied, and dallied and dillied and lost my way and don't know where to roam...' Well, the Dally is still there and held off the young England guns for a first XV spot to help Wasps beat Leinster 35-13 in a ¼ final of the Heineken Cup last weekend. - That old dilly-Dally fella doesn't give up eh.

H.C.

Leicester whipped the Stade Francais boys 21-20 in another ¼ of the Heineken Cup. Ok, not exactly a whipping, but a hearty win nonetheless. That puts the Tigers on a treble course this season. They're in the EDF Energy Cup final on 15^th April, are looking very good for a home semi in the Guiness Premiership, and now take on The Llanelli Scarlets in three weeks time in the semi's of the H.C.

Aussie coach Pat Howard was happy, and said of his captain, Martin Corry, "He has got a massive heart and his presence makes a huge difference." - Yeah, it's good to get presents...isn't it Bob!

Bob

The Scarlets in the meantime beat current champs Munster 24-15 at that magical stadium Stradey Park. Ex All Black Jason Cullen may have been in the No.15 jersey this week for Munster, but do you remember 1972 when the Llanelli (wipe the spit) boys beat New Zealand in the same park? - No, didn't think so, but the fool does!

And how's this for a result, Northampton Saints beat Biarritz in Biarritz, which is a nice surfing town in the South West of France-land, 7-6 - A scoreline that made Pat Howard, yes back to him, say, "pretty amazing".

Here's something even more amazing; The Saints are one point adrift of the bottom of the Guinness Premiership, with three games left. The regulation, nay the rule of the comp is that only the ‘top flight' club sides can compete, which effectively means that if the Saints go down, they can't compete in the final of the H.C. if they get there - mad eh! - Saints captain, Bruce Reihana thinks so, he said, "It's a situation I've not heard of before, but it would not be pleasant." - Not pleasant at all.

Ok, in the Super 14's the game as hotted up and back onto the Super 14 schedule of...good rugby again. It's back to some kind of normality - the ‘Is-its' didn't win a game, and a the Aussies finally realised how to play again.

The Brumbies are back with confidence after turning the Lions 14-9 in Ellis Park - although the game was a bag-o-shite.

The Crusaders and Tah's had a cracker in the Aussie Stadium, Sydney, with the try of the series from young Wallaby hopeful Lachlan Turner Overdrive - lets rock, ‘b'b'baby, you aint seen nothing yet..'! - The blokes on horses with swords won this battle 34-33.

The Hurricanes upset the Bulls 17-9. And the Cheetahs went down to the Highlanders och aye dunnoooo, 17-21 in Invercargill, the lowliest and most destitute southern tip of New Zealand. Mrs. cf wouldn't even let me go there!

And poor old Eddie Jones and the Reds eh, he says he's got the backing of the Reds and Queensland rugby, that he doesn't want to leave from a coaching point of view, but his decision, if he leaves will be because of his family, he said, "Like everyone else I've got issues in our lives to sort out." - Don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times - blame it on Eddie.

Ok, Rupert Murdoch's media corp - News Ltd, isn't happy with the ‘22' who missed the first half of the S14's. He has the rights to broadcast SANZAR games in NZ, Aus and the UK (Supersport in SA). They give a lot of money, I mean a lot of money - another sponsor might not be so generous. Greg Baxter, and exec of the company said, "We argued that resting so many players would affect public interest in the competition and it has." - So there, said so.

couls get messy

These are viewing figures from NZ for the Blues v Hurricanes game last year; 323000, and the Blues v Crusaders this year; 188000.

Of course it doesn't help either if the Aussie teams have up until now been playing like a bag-o-no-goods. Viewing has dropped dramatically over there. As Greg said, ‘anything can happen in business.' - SANZAR sponsored by cfn - ‘ok, I want all the naked chicks on the touchline and hey, be careful with that goat, it's got a whole season to get through!'

sponsored by cfn

In other rugby news, Buenos Aires of the Arian race beat Tucaman 27-10 in the Argie provincial champs. Nice corned beef.

Gavin ‘orange-head' Henson is out again with knee ligaments, and is to miss the Aus tour in May, which means he has only 3 warm up games in August to make the world cup squad, as he said, "I'm running out of time to further my world cup goals. Hopefully one day I'll get up and the pain will go away." - ‘A tiger came in the night a bit it clean off...a tiger...in Africa!'

Jason Robinson is only 32 and he's going to retire...again. But will play in the world cup, if selected. 43 caps and 26 tries - cf says he's a genius and bloke down the pub says he's a sideways twat - I like cf's version better.

And yay, yay, here this, here this, Rory Underwood ex fighter pilot in the RAF and flying winger, top try scorer for England with 49, says, "To me, it is not beyond the possibility that England could get into the final again." - See, fool's sense, the fool rushed in months ago. The fool rests his case. Will the fool have the last laugh or was it just because he didn't get the joke!

Rory?

Ok, let's have a slice of Super 8 world cup cricket:

I must say that I'm struggling here a bit this week, suffice to say there's been no skulduggery or japes, not even an actual playing upset. The Windies are in spot of bovver, and bar that there are no real shockers.

Bloke down the pub said he regrets saying last week that it should've been KP and not Bob because he likes and rates the KP man as one of the games great innovators - not to say he's glad it was Bob...the holes just getting deeper isn't it.

Without blubbering on about the state of cricket's reputation too much, I'll share with you Steve Waugh's sentiments on the game and match-fixing, "Really it's about the players, they have to put their hands up or sign a declaration." - ‘Now, lets see, put my hand and get garrotted by the mob or sign a declaration, which will no doubt end in me being kicked out of the sport, publicly humiliated then cop it in a small plane ‘accident'.'

Hansie!

There was a good game yesterday; England shook up Sri Lanka, who hold the best bowler in the world according to KP. He said of Muttiah Muralitharan, "The hardest bowler in the world to face, definitely. He's much harder than Shane Warne." KP says his banter is far different from the blonde gob - no offence Warney, "He smiles and laughs and gives you a look - he's just a good, happy, nice guy. I call him the silent assassin." - I suppose it's easier than Muttiah Muralitharan!

Anyway, England nearly bopped them last night, with Ravi Bopara and Nixon holding an 87 last stand. Nixon was reverse sweeping the Muttiah for sixes and fours, and when it got to the wire The Bop was out on the last ball, 2 runs short of the required 235. He said, "I'm just really, really disappointed. My heart was set on winning, and it's all just in the pit of my stomach now." - Some wear theirs on their sleeves - nowt as queer as folk!

nowt as queer

Chris Broad is in for Jon Lewis who's gone home to be with his wife who's having pregnancy problems. Simon Jones says he'll be back for the Windies Tests next month. Darlymple was born in Kenya and Guyana is bigger than the British Isles.

Broad aged 14

Other sports to get your eyes about:

Roger Federer is becoming a bore; he's only gone and won The World Sports person of the Year award again, for the 3^rd straight time - well, he did do Wimbledon, the US and Aus Open - and where's that Nazi gold Von Trapp boy!

Federer

Lewis Hamilton is ready for the Malaysian F1GP and likes the look of the track, he said, "From what I had seen of the track before the test, I thought it looked great - I was not disappointed. Its layouts mean you build up a great rhythm, with all the corners running into each other." - Bit o Snoop D on de beat box and just a kickin back and chillin wid me bitches at the Sepang truck mon - feel da rydam!

feel the rydam

Martin Johnson, the last captain to lift the rugby world cup is to play for the Leicester Panther American football team this week. It's a game to raise funds for ex Leicester prop Matt Hampson who is paralysed from the neck down after a training session for the England U21's. Martin's always been into Yank-ball, and still trains with the Panthers. He said, "It's a huge cause for a very brave lad, and we must get as many people as possible to support it." - Here-here

Peter Manfredo Jnr who won boxing's pop idol is to fight Joe Calzaghe for the WBO super-middleweight belt in Cardiff this weekend, and he's pumped, he said, "He's undefeated and all the pressure is on him. I've got nothing to lose. As I'm the underdog, I'm going to surprise a lot of people who don't think I belong in the ring with him." - cf says half the twats on pop idol have been in a few rings!

Oops

And last off the block is other news:

And just a wee portion of bolony this week as Jack McBusy has been tied up with busy stuff.

But I can tell you that the place with the highest concentration of dogs in Britain is in Barking, Essex, with a ratio of 1-10 people. And its bedlam in Bedlam.

Smoking in public will soon be banned all over the world, bar of course Asia and Holland. It was banned this week in Wales, where 40-a-day Bob Pratten will have to smoke outside his local, The Boat in Penalt, Monmouthshire or hot-trot 300 yards down the road and across to England and drink in The Bell, but only for a couple of months as the ban comes in there on 1^st July - just in time for the fool to go back and begin to fall in love with the country again!

Melissa York is 40 and she's been done for drink driving and cruelty to animals, whilst having a midnight ride on a horse in Alabama - a midnight ride on a horse in Alabama, whilst drunk...

Ok lastly, told you it short this week, lastly Britain's oldest woman Florrie Baldwin was 111 this week. She puts not dying down to her daily fried egg sarnie for breakfast and a hot dinner and pudding with custard - well you've got to haven't you. A bit of jam roly-poly with custard would go down a treat right now. Oh, and she also recommends a glass of sherry - naturally. Personally I'd have to say egg, bacon, tinned plum tomatoes, mushrooms and a potless mug of tea on a Saturday morning for a tickle of the olde life cells. But getting back to Flo, and she's seen the Boer War, the relief of Mafeking and she met Queen Vic - and we've got Nam, Nelson and Ned Flanders - diddle-di-i-do-do!

Keep at it - just cf it

cf