2nd - 8th September 2011 volume 448
September, 07th 2011 19:31 PM

“Strange brew, girls what’s inside of you”

(Cream)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

  

Click on fool’s logo in home page – good one this week; – The One With …

Plus new radio station in Phuket – stream live on line at www.radioindochine.com

And catch his live A Question of Sport… Of Sorts! On Sat 10th Sept 2-3p.m. Broadcast live from The Lounge, Bang Tao Place, Cherntalay, Phuket.

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 8.9.11                                           

For Elements of: No.3 Royal Air Force, Force Protection Wing Headquarters

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

Sizzling escape

Scientists have managed to grow meat from stem cells alone and say their synthetic sausages are only six months away from being on the supermarket shelves.

 

Billed as the ideal pain-free meat, Mark Post from Maachstrict University Holland has spent 10 years on the project and finally made the breakthrough by mixing pig stem cells with horse foetal serum.

 

Muscle strips 2.5cm by 0.7 cm can be stretched by Velcro to imitate real muscles. Although currently a ghastly white colour Mark says, ‘there is no blood and very little myoglobin, the iron beating protein, but this is just a heart beat away.’

 

Cow cells are next on the menu with burgers within a year. PETA praised this eureka moment and have $1m on the table for the first commercial synthetic meat.

 

Meanwhile, the Swiss brothel, Club Savannah, that gave away a free sausage to every client, has burned down.

 

Consumer’s fled the Aargau building when the BBQ flames got out of control, where one unnamed man made a lucky escape by using his Velcro straps he stuck to the curtains.


 

 

 

Fake art?

Sleep-artist Lee Hadwin draws in his sleep and has done since the age of four when he said I got up in the night and scribbled on the walls.’

 

Since then the 36 year-old has etched 200 sleep pictures, usually after a night on the slosh.

 

‘Friends have recorded me,’ he said, ‘and I find it really embarrassing, it’s like watching yourself when you’re drunk.’

 

‘Some people say, ‘you can’t be an artist because you have to be conscious to produce art’, But at the end of the day, what is art?

 

Lee sells some of his pieces for a six figure sum and one avid collector is illusionist Derren Brown who, rebuked comments that Lee’s work could be an apparition.


 

 

 

One in 25 bosses could be a psychopath according to New York psychologist Paul Babiak.

 

He details that a good upbringing provides the ability to hide the truth and can conjure the lack of moral instincts.

 

‘Their natural tendency is to be charming. Take that charm and grind it in the right business language and it sounds like charismatic leadership.’

 

That may well be the case of Trent Kimball, the boss at Texas Armouring who encourages employees to shoot at him while he sits behind their manufactured bullet proof glass.

 

He then retires home to file their details in an upright office metal cabin in his cellar then continues to tinker with his gigantic home-made human sausage-making machine long into the dead of night.


 

 (sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Not to get confused with a meshuggenner; psycho’s are abstinent of impulse, a trait that lent Keith Moon his sociopath tendencies, especially when driving his Rolls Royce into the that hotel swimming pool, or was it a Lincoln or maybe a Cadillac, either way his rights of passage to madness was clouded by the universal beliefs of him being psychotic when truth be known, as my recent research suggests when perusing round the most gentle folks minds at his old pub in Chipping Norton, that he was a thoroughly decent chap and any general altercations with normality and in particular masochistic lurings were dumbfounded, as all perpetrating acts of violence were committed on himself, and not I hasten to add dealt in the peaceful confinements of the Cotswold’s finest establishment on anyone else, thus martyring him as mad, as opposed to psychotic. No, Elton John is more of your psychotic nature, Chris DeBurgh’s got those intelligent darting eyes and no doubt Celene Dijon Mustard is as psycho as a Rolling Stone number on Charlie Manson, but Keith… na, he’s just a cuddly mad moron; the Dudley Moore of rock who rode just a little closer to the edge of his ego… and I tell you what, if that dog comes in my garden again and shits on my shoes I’m going to lynch it by its balls and defecate on him… here it is again, see, swanning around the lawn as if he owns the place… yeah, I’ve clocked yer, well now it’s my turn… back in a minute, in the meantime here’s this week’s Get It Off Your Chest Request sent in from David Byrne…

 

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

 

What they’ve recently said: I’m watching the rugby here…


 

www.loungephuket.com

 

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘If sex is a pain in the neck, you’re doing it wrong.’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

There’s always the www.coreyashcroft.co.uk appeal – check it out

 

Don’t forget the classifieds pages – updated weekly

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP… probably Sept

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…


www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news


*Californian man David Senk was arrested after he bit a neighbour’s pet python. The 54 year old from Sacramento sat on the kitchen floor and had taken two bites out of the docile pet, breaking several ribs when the owners found him there sitting on the floor covered in blood. Police sergeant Andrew Pettit said, ‘There was nothing to indicate that the snake provoked him at all.’ – In David’s defence he said, ‘I get drunk – I get crazy.’

 

*In what seems to be trending in the same numbers as ‘planking’ and ‘owling’ the craze of stuffing dangerous animals down your pants is right up there; this week a man tried to board a plane from Miami to Brazil with seven exotic snakes and three tortoises down his kacks. Mind you wildlife smuggling accounts for £6billion a year, which puts planking in the shade. Saying that, a Zimbabwean man caught with a rare anteater may have come up with the best excuse when he said it was a present for Mugabe… who praised his initiative then promptly ate them both.

 

*If anyone who has lost a dog in the Kenya region, try looking around between 5,730 and 8,895 metres above sea level on top of Mt. Kilimanjaro, because one has been spotted there recently.

 

*Insect eating has finally gone west with the EU confirming its nutritional value. London’s Archipelago restaurant offers up locusts, crickets and scorpions and says its honey-bee crème Brule is quite the piece-de-résistance. Preserved in honey and served on a tuille biscuit in white chocolate honeycomb the rosewater crème Brule is said to accentuate the bees’ natural minty flavour. Mr Belcher (real name) from the restaurant says on account of the hairy legs, ‘the lubricant makes the bees easier to eat.’

 


Number crunching


 

*Space junk has hit tipping point with over 22,000 trackable items over three inches wide orbiting the Earth. Up to half million other pieces are floating about waiting to collide with the International Space Station which is 230miles up. Donald Kessler from the National Academy of Scientists blames the Chinese who blew up one of their weather satellites, whilst two others collided over Siberia. However, communication and TV satellites are 22,236 miles up so it shouldn’t bother u…____________________

 

*UK locals have fallen 19% in the last year according to British Beer and Pub Association, who sternly blame alcohol taxes which are 8 times higher than in France. At the height of the recession 53 pubs were closing a week, with a total of 52,500 gone since 2004 – A minute’s silence please.

 

*John Hutt 61 cut off all the toes from his right foot when his trailer fell on top of him trapping him in Western Colorado. Had it been in the Deep South it would have been a record.

 

*And Amazonian woman Maria Lucimer Pereira claims to be the oldest woman at 121. The lady from the Kaxinera tribe attributes her longevity to fresh fish, banana porridge, root vegetables, grilled meat and no salt or sugar, but Guinness cannot not award her the title as she has no proof of her age. I wonder how long she would have lasted on the Velcro sausages.

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page


 

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