Crazy Fool's Newsround - 2nd - 8th Oct 09 volume 349

2nd - 8th Oct 09 volume 349
October, 07th 2009 17:31 PM

“We come from the land of the ice and snow

From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow

The hammer of the Gods

Will drive our ships to new lands

To fight the horde, singing and crying

Valhalla, I am coming!”

(Led Zeppelin)

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: A shaven headed monk has been nailed to his alter on the Holy island of Lindisfarne in Northumberland (just off Newcastle) by Jolger the Jolly, a red bearded wolf-son-mother of Skull Splitterson the Ready.

Jolger: For the last time, insolent priest, I want a Big Mac with small fries and no drink, no happy meal, no toy, just a Big Mac and small fries.

Monk: You silly, silly bastard, and I’m telling you for the last time, America is that way

Narrator: And lo, ye mighty Us of A was born, but they didn’t tell anyone about it for fear of revealing its secret source!

1. How many McDonalds (restaurants, not mad ginger haired types) are there in the US?

2. The bandicoot is a marsupial from which country?

3. What is a young penguin called?

4. What was on the other side of Boney M’s “Brown Girl in the Ring”?

5. Which deadly snakes can be Egyptian, Indian and Forest?

6. Who had “Breakfast in America”?

7. Carbohydrates consist of carbon, hydrogen and which other element?

8. If you went to see a horse opera, what would you be watching? A) A showjumping display B) A western movie C) A horseracing meeting

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Was of course Warren Beatty and you’re right his sister is Shirley MaCLane not Winters – bonus point for the Eagle there. First a recap… Clue No.1, “Generally a smug looking bastard, but I got the chicks.” Clue No.2: “Just a blue rinse for me.” And No.3 “Shirley Winters would have got it if she weren’t a-kin!” – No.4, and last clue, “Carley sang about me.” And now a new clue; Clue No.1, “I was once Eric, in 1958 to be precise, and when a ridiculously large horn blew we were all came running.”

Is it me?

This is the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in: For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 38 or 39 if we’re strictly going by the Gregorian calendar and due to the fact fool’s missed a week.

For those who like ones; one’s and brackets and LZ:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 + 1 bonus point)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Aye: 1 (1)

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Homer Simpson

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME BALLET TERMS

SAUT . a jump off both feet landing in the same position

SUR LES POINTES . on points

TERRE A TERRE . steps where the feet hardly leave the ground

VARATION . a solo dance

fool’s Gold

A charity game of conger cuddling, played between teams in Lyme Regis, who try to knock each other off wooden blocks with a dead conger, has been banned after an anonymous animal-rights protest

A restaurant called The Reindeer opened for just the month of December in London, with the slogan: “The Reindeer is not for life, it’s just for Christmas”

The motorcycle Steve McQueen rode in The Great Escape was the same one Henry Winkler rode in Happy Days

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Rarely does the fool fall back on saccharin’s temptations, but after wallowing in the neighbourhood of a hearty pig and vegetable soup, so decked out in its variations of the humble potato, which I must point out was introduced to Ireland by some Sir or other, his name now alludes* me bugger – that’s a bastard moment right there, either way I can most definitely assure you it wasn’t the Sir Walter Raleigh, pronounced Water Rawly, as he didn’t even introduce the ye olde spud to England from the Americas nor even Europe, no, it was some Portuguese dude, who’s fucking name alludes* me! Now where was I? Ah yes, hearty pig and veg broth with such drooling added delights as in ye plum-pot, besides thy sprouted spud, which can, incidentally, duplicate itself in any given area – put a potato in pot and you’ll get potatoes. But nay, we dither and dally, for this particular Vietnamese vegetable I scrape for in the recesses of my mind looks like a spud when cut and cooked in the soup, but has an almost fruity, water clad taste with the texture of a bitty pear…but for the life of me, it’s name alludes* me. Anyway, after this scrumptious conglomeritic of pig and earth’s tree hugging wares, I felt a slight twang in ye olde direction of the syrupy confectionary collection, ye olde cloying decadence of cane avec double-bubble layers of cocoa and a hint of almond. So I carried my pig and veg filled bulk off to the refrigerator and spied what I could spy; ah yes, some margarine, yoghurt, a current laced sponge cake and what’s this? I didn’t tuck into the margarine by the way, but, what’s this in the fridge door…a lolly-pop, a jellied egg and there sat on its lonesome, snuck wedged betwixt thee tray and panel, a golden wrapped delight, about half the dimensions of a match box and looking remarkably like chocolate. Without hesitating I unveiled the temptuous treat to expose a dark, crumbling brown, almond speckled sweet. Or so it seemed. I hesitated none and woofed it down It was a Maggio beef flavoured gravy cube. – Sweets - Bastards!

* See eludes in the dictionary for clarity

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Curiously Maggios beef flavoured gravy cubes are pretty good on their own

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

This is another plane:

Heli!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com and Prices and dates 2009
Not just a walk in the park

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; plus, plenty of boogieing to their live music and party nights

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; passes comment

*Trigger: on the hoof

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Adam and Valerie

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…A salesman goes…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

Here’s a question for you: Anyone selling a rowing machine!

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…are on their way …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

I’ll need a T-shirt

This bit is the rugby bit:

Published 8.10.09

Still juggling with any notes of worth it’s probably best just to go straight to the results:

Guinness Premiership

London Irish tipped Sale’s balance 11-8 with ex England scrum half red carded for elbowing in the face – not his own. He’s good, but not that good. Sailosi Tagicakibau got a try for the Irish and Eifoin Roberts for the Sharks. / Quins have started slowly following their bloody summer but have notched a win eventually, this one over Bath 13-11 with a try in the 13^th minute of overtime by Easter, just in the nick of it by the sounds of things. / Leicester’s second team disposed of a gritty Worcester 19-14 with a try by Moody. / Wasps nudged a win over the Saints with The Cip tidying up loose ends from full back to score the only try of the game, but there was pretty good front row punch up with Vickery who most definitely came off the worst. / Gloucester continued to add to Leeds learning curve with the big boys beating them 26-10 with tries from Azam, Simpson-Daniel and Tindal. / Sarries still fly the top of the league flag with a 22-15 win over Newcastle. Brendan Ventor has done a good job; mostly teaching the youngsters about the perils of modern day professionalism and the long term distractions when not training, such as addiction to PSP and drugs. So they train.

The Top14

Castres held off a scowling Toulon 21-19 as the crowd went nuts and bayed for Mafiko Kefu’s blood as he was not once but twice let off from some head sawing tackles. Sgt. Wilko managed 2 penalties and a drop but time ran out for the T’s. / Clermont had an easy kill over Bayonne 31-13. Benoit Baby kicked a thunderously long penalty and Napolioni Nalaga stayed on form with two tries. / Montpellier were out tussled by Toulouse 30-12 by some beautiful running and touch downs from Fritz, Clerc and Picamoles. / Racing Metro 92 set their campaign some motion beating Montauban 17-12. Old head Merhtens and new head Frans Steyn both kicked goals. / Biarritz had a convincing win 27-12 against Perpignan and it was all down to their set piece. A try by Argie Marcalo Bosch and American Takaduza Ngweynoo also helped. / Bourgoin beat Albi 26-16 in a too and fro game, where the B’s proved better equipped in the second half. / Brive suffered at Stade Francais’ steady rise 16-44, where Jaques Delma has been much appreciated at the helm. Burban, Messia, Gasnier x2 and Haskell all found themselves on the scoresheet.

Magners League

Glasgow rocked an error strewn Cardiff 21-5 with fine tries from Thom Evans and Johnnie Beattie. / Leinster absolutely destroyed Munster 30-0 with tires from D’Arcy, B.O’D and Shane Horgan, John Hayes was uncharecterically red carded for stamping on Cian Healy’s face, but he wasn’t the reason they lost – the Leinster boys are on form. / Dragons beat Connaught 28-10 – Jim Staples was not playing. / Ulster finished Scarlets 45-24 thanks to tries from Faloon, Trimble x2, Nagusa and Whitten. / And it seems the Ospreys are just about coming good, beating Edinburgh 31-10. Tommy Bowe took a nice ball off Hook to score, as did Ryan Jones off Mike Phillips and Lee Byrne off Bigger and Weller. Jerry Collins didn’t play as he has a cold.

ANZ Cup

Nope.

Some shorts:

Gloucester’s Olivier Azam received 12 weeks for his boot in Borthwick’s eye the other week, and he’s just come back from a 9 week ban for eye gouging – Go the Frenchman. Meanwhile John Hayes received 6 weeks for his sudden out burst against Leinster.

Simon Shaw will not be joining the Golden Lions – its official, but Sione Lauaki has resigned for the NZRU and Waikato and Chiefs – really, how many sides does he need to play for?

In a recent poll Christian Cullen was voted the best fullback ever with Percy second. Not sure if Jim Staples made the top three.

And Mortlock is undecided if he’s off to Japan at the end of the year or if he’ll stay in Aus. The big bucks are definitely there but his concerns lie with the cultural aspects of the land of the Samurai. Perhaps someone should tell him there are no more Samurai’s – they died out with Tom Cruise.

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: have some fun and try to name the actor!!! - This particular team will be finished… fool promises! – Only two to get.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. ? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1. ?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it – ha, ha…nurse… - have received two props recently in Ray Winston and Bob Hoskins, but what were the films?

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Spurious whispers decreed the ICC Champs not a mini world cup in certain camps last week, until that was of course that a certain camp won it, then it became the focus of all attention since old “Thomas Cook said the fuck was that?” – In response to a passing kangaroo.

Deserve the honours Australia did, no doubt, but try telling the Pakistanis that, there’s no credit due for any team unless it’s been dunked in a vat of boiling controversy and sprinkled with a garnish of dispute and contention.

Pakistani paper Geo News have it on good authority, the Parliamentarian sort, and who’s to doubt them, that the men in Green faked it against both Australia and New Zealand. Naturally there’s always a whisper of truth in the matter, as quite frankly the whole geographical area should be trusted with as much faith as Chef Rahat telling you a Vegetable Julfraizi will not give you wind; indeed will neither blow your balls up into your top pocket, nor cause such a burning sensation at either end for weeks after only found in comparative proportions since Enola Gay completed its U-turn.

In fact, the newspaper steered clear of any breezy comments and stuck with the more traditional accusational language suggesting that captain Younis Khan’s dropped catch (Tall Bloke Down the Pub’s favourite oxymoron) in that it will ‘haunt me forever’ and the Geo News’ depiction of any wrong doing; “…there might have been some hanky panky in the match against Australia and New Zealand.” – Which fits more in Benny Hill’s wardrobe that someone, say like Woolmer’s.

Still, you can’t blame the Aussies; they won fair and square, even if they still claim it was part of the master plan. They smashed England in the semi’s thanks to a Shane Watson 136 and The Punts on 111* Then smashed New Zealand in the final with Shane Watson on 105* amassing four 6’s and 10 fours taboot.

Nathan Hauritz finished on some smiley figures of 3-37 and the Caps were a tad unlucky due to the absence of skipper Vettori, whom despite the beard and glasses has led the side by example and style. McCullum took the helm and fucked it from the start - out for zip and dropped Watson at 42 for 2.

Bond and Kyle Mills, who has to be said hasn’t got the same arse as his name-sake, either way, they two battled away on the bowling front, but as the failed McC said, “They kept coming in trying to give it their all but unfortunately we didn’t provide them with enough runs.”

The Punts would have been proud of his player of the tournament award, on 288 runs in five matches but saved his rapture for the youngsters, “The young guys are starting to make major impacts in world events.”

So now we move onto the Champions League Twenty20 which is just another event until NSW win it then it’ll be a another major event. Yep the Sydney siders are the top, star studied team, but keep your eye out for Delhi and Deccan.

By the way, Tresco will be playing for Somerset in the same group as the Chargers and T&T, which is a huge turn around for him since that taxi driver business, as he keeps reminding the youngsters from the west country in his outfit; “They (the youngsters) might not realise it now, but they will be recognised whenever they leave the hotel because the public in India are so knowledgeable about their cricket.”

Ok lastly, Monty’s gone to the Highveld to join the Lions and says, “I look forward to picking people’s brains and developing my bowling and all round game.” – Which obviously turns out to be cannibalism these days. – Think I’ll stick with the Vegetable Julfraizi

That’s it for this week

Other sports:

Rio de Janeiro – 2016 Olympics – the first South American country to get it – good luck with that.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

It creeps up on you like a snipers bullet then bam, right between the eyes – a sudden cold, sinuses shot and a head full of grog, not the beer type, alas, but boom like a frontal assault that’ll crack like a Trotsky lobotomy (see the radio show with One Eyed Dog for more details).

But hang on, where was I? Ah yes, the Germans. I realise Trotsky wasn’t German but a lot of those creeping bullets were and apparently so too is the humble bust, the Charlies, the Bristols, the mammories, le bazooms – Creeping up an inch in size in the last year. German women, yes we are talking about women, are getting taller too. The average height these days un kumph un biggen brazien is 5ft 5inches. What? 5ft fivefernfun, is that all? I thought they were all 6footers plus. Rubbish. Let’s move on.

Paul and Catherine are the most common name for swingers in Britain. Not you’re average 60’s swingers but all that leather, Vaseline and massively naughty free hairy cornflakes on the side of your mouth, kind of swingers. The average orgy attendees are in their 20’s, white, middle class and commonly from professional fields such as, advertising, PR and Media. Mark Roberts who hosts Fever Parties says, “It’s one of the things they (youngsters) want to do – like going backpacking or to the theatre.” – It’ll all end in tears; ‘Oh, but why do we have to the theatre, I wanted to go and shag Mrs Doufries from 49 Shackleton Street.’ ‘Get your coat; we’re off to see A Secret Policeman’s Ball.’ ‘Ooh, that’s better.’

Moving on, slightly and Italians can now be buried in fashionable up to date modern day coffins. Sold with sex; Cofanifunebri now provides a calendar to go with their undertaking firm, and on it scantily clad women show us their array of wooden boxes, ahem. I particularly like the Gothic style one with the girl showing her bum – I’d like to get buried in that!

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! “A knife, a fork, a bottle and a cork, that’s the way we spell New York, right on…” – Gill Scott Heron – go back to school!

The new ring around Saturn, that’s recently been found on NASA’s Spitzer telescope, is big enough to hold a billion earths. Don’t believe me? This thing, a ring of dust and ice is 7.5 million miles wide. So there, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

Oliver and Tobias Morris are the world’s first twin pilots. They’re 19 and will finish Aviation Academy in Oxford UK by the time they’re 20. That’s weird isn’t it, it’s never dawned on me where you might learn to fly, but da, aviation academy of course. Anyway, they got they’re bug after mum was a trolly-dolly, she said, “I used to fly for British Airways and I thought the pilots were treated like Gods. You can see the world, get a tan and play golf.” – And probably get to those swingers parties just that little bit quicker.

Brunettes get ready quicker than blondes – fact. Both on average take 2hours but the browns top it usually by 7 minutes or so. On a regular week women can spend roughly 72 hours – ‘dolling up’. 3000 women were polled and either way you try to break it down the brunettes were quicker. On a normal day women will take 16mins to shower, 8 to brush their teeth, 14 for hair, 11 for something I can’t read and a farther 11 choosing an outfit. But do they have more fun?

Gordon Moore 72 has a titanium plate in his forehead after a crash he had in 1955. However, doctors removed it to treat an infection and found that he had grown another forehead underneath. Yes, he’s grown bone. Gordon said, “They said bone does grow through time – but not half a skull – I’ve asked to keep the plate as a souvenir.” – That’s right Gordon; stick it on the wall next to the ducks.

Ok lastly, regions of China’s internet have collapsed after information of a city in Sweden, which is supposedly populated by 20,000 sex mad lesbians, has been bombarded by randy enquiries as to how to get there. Founded by a man-hater in 1820, it is believed women guards post the borders and half beat to death any male visitors. Claes Bertilsm from the Swedish tourist board said, it’s hard to believe you could keep something like that a secret for more than 180 years.” – Pah, you’re fooling no one Claes, now where’s the tunnel?