productions presents

That was the week weren't it...

Due to popular demand Self Made Man Part II will not return soon, and not now, so here's this:

Coming Home

(A short play of the fool-esque nature, not starring John Voight)

The scene: It's 12:22p.m. and fool has lost all contact with his touring party. He is now wantonly slouched with a nonchalant vacancy of unwavering apathetic-ness on a wooden chair in the Espresso Café in Phnom Penh's airport departure lounge. The untenanted surrealism of the real world and his own drift in and out of a mingled haze that will soon dawn on sobriety. From a sudden bout of caffeine rush he makes out the eminent call to motion.

(Over the tannoy a soft and sweet young girls voice flouts daintily on a flutes soft C as it wisps through the unabated airwaves): Ladies and gentlemen this is the last call for flight yamm yamm tog 871 to Taipei. Please get your shit together and prepare to board at gate 8.

fool stumbles over his hearing and smiles dryly to himself at the simplicity of life.

fool: arghh (he sighs as he lets one last one rip before entering the de pressurised zone)

Narrator: You done?

fool: Yeah, think so.

Narrator: Good, let's move on;

Ladies and Gamblinmen; the quiz:

1. How many passengers can the new Airbus A380 hold?

2. Which of the Seven Dwarfs has the longest name?

3. What is the only English anagram of KITCHENS?

4. What name describes a crack in a glacier?

5. What fish are turned into 'rollmops'?

6. Which birthstone is linked to November?

7. What compromises the diet of a pangolin?

8. What lies at the inner core of the earth? A) Solid iron B) An oxygen and silicon compound C) Liquid fire

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - It's where the answers to the comps are.

 WHO AM I? Had, done, dusted and brought to fool's offerings table with nay hesitation nor any doubt as to its identity by the one and only, and sneaking just ahead of the Dracule fella by one me thinks, none other the eagle that is legal - the answer was of course Ming the Merciless. And so without any h-h-h-hesitation we amble on nonchalantly, that word again, to this week's humdinger, "I'm late, I'm late..."

is it me?

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment*NEW *NEW***

Birthstones

July...Ruby

August...Sardonyx, Agate

September...Sapphire

October...Opal

November...Topaz

December...Turquoise

fool's gold;

Sixty cows can produce a ton of milk a day.

The can opener wasn't invented until 48 years after the can!

Charles Dickens always wrote facing north.

But now those who can only afford the bus please step aside for...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and caipirovska on a Wednesday. Oh, and let Curtis King rock you. - See what's on every Wednesday in the *classifieds

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh November - cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds - Just finishing the lamb steaks from last month dude - need more.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger will bring thee thy scoop for this outa season week.

*Trigger in the meantime will let thy thee and thout the first to know on what, which way and lose to punt this week.

*Tit-bits - haveth more of yay tickles for another week *Grub-Up is still stuck on Cameron's cod lips - so till quieter times when fool has the space and time - eat trout (New menu coming soon), meanwhile *Fishman - informs the fool that there's a trip coming up soon - but mate, what's the gen on the island dude? And *Bongo Massif Bro's - The manager and fool are's a waiting...still

Mr. Meaner...Four pigs tongues, 9 bladders, a goats hide and one lit ramming rod - you get the picture...

you put yout left bit in...

But now it's ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

As the International furore fades to but a blip on the distant landscape, the scene of domestic rugby once again rears it's naturally nurtured head.

Lest we forget (The 11^th), but also the fact that the finalists in the World Cup were both winners from the domestic regional cups, in the shape of  the Super 14's and the Heineken Cup - indeed all four finalists were products from either Murdering Bastard land or England - still with the fool? - Good.

Make a point of tuning into the start of the H.C. this weekend, as it is as intense as international rugby in itself, but only better, which by the way isn't played under canvas!

 - fool's tip to watch out for: - and your clues will be in initials only; L vs L, S.F. vs H and W vs M - get em?

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Ok, developments from the 'excuse me' dances in the managers mess are; the appointed French coach; Mark (Not very French name) Lievremont (That's better), but this one doesn't  matter because no-one has ever heard of him...not even in France, which is near France.

Jake White's still umming and arghing about where to go and what to do. The Boks don't want him to go anywhere, where by the way Sharks coach Dick Muir is now in the running for the top job, but I digress for he (Jake) has definitely pooh-poohed the Welsh job (How did we get here?), as his agent Craig 'presume' Livingstone said, "I'm not sure where that story comes from, but Jake is not looking into the Welsh job. The only position he will look at is England." - Wonder why?

But that's not as easily done as done, for the White says he wants to take six months off to write his book, which of course he won't actually write his own book, someone else does that for him.

But If Ashton doesn't keep the job then the post has to be filled by 1^st January - savvy?. So what with Jake lounging about on his chaise-longue dictating his memoires to some old queen, it seems host favourite Martin Johnson might surprise everyone, as ex England hooker and Leicester top knob Peter Wheeler nodded, "He (Johnno) is someone the the English rugby public would want to be involved." - Ashton stays attack coach - Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your aunt - bingo.

By the way, Dally has apologised about calling Brian a useless old fart, and admitted the 'timing wasn't brilliant.'

Hey guess what, he apologised, whilst launching his book (They're all at it), as he says, "People are entitled to their opinions. I didn't set out in this book to embarrass anyone, to make bad comments about other people, and if that's happened , I apologise." - Not good enough, damn your eyes man,  its almost high treason - Guy Fawkes style - chop him up in pieces and post the swine about Blighty - use these stamps ↓

Where were we? Argh yes, managers, and Jake has also been lined up with Australia but basically snubbed them saying their forwards would be too hard work and he doesn't like weedy fly halves!

David Nucifora looks set to be the main contender there. But better still was Pat Howard's snub on leaguey oaf, Willie 'Nelson' Mason, who has fallen out with his club side the Bulldogs and sent his agent to go knocking on the unions door, now, years after calling union 'boring'. Pat sent him packing, "He (Willie's agent) asked us and we said we were not interested. I'm not sure he (Mason) would suit rugby and our focus is in the tight five development at the moment." - Yeah, so bog off oaf-man.

Ok, let's move on. English and Irish Clubs are not releasing their stars to play in the Baa Baa's game against the Boks on 1^st December, as it clashes with the domestic scene. It's the final weekend of the pool games in the EDF Energy Cup - the Anglo-Welsh Cup. Then of course there's also the Heineken Cup plus the Magners League and Guinness Premiership.

Premier rugby chief exec Mark McCaffertys (That's a beer isn't it?) explains, "They have to understand that during the season it is not possible these days. Playing one-off fixtures during the season is not feasible." - Did he just say the same thing twice...idiot.

Ok, some shorts; French rock Fabien Pelous has retired after 118 caps. So has Bok Bobby Skinstad who is only 31, but is becoming a business man, it doesn't what business, but then I suppose that's his business. He was the Boks 50^th captain you know.

Matt Burke has signed another year at Newcastle Falcons, but won't play at all this season as he has torn his anterior cruciate ligament, as too has one of Scotland's best player's Sean Lamont. - Not bad being a professional eh - year off and paid!

 John Smit's best ever curly haired XV - didn't finish last week so will carry on:

• 15. Otto from The Simpson's 14. Diana Ross 13. the Gollywog from Robinson's Jam (Not Jason) 12. Bob Dylan 11. Leo Sayer 10. Jimi Hendrix 9. Harpo Marx 8. Magnum 7. Robert Plant 6. Roger Daltry 5. Elliot Gould 4. Donald Sutherland 3. Brian Blessed 2. Shirley Temple - she always had 56 curls in her hair! 1. The neighbour from That 70's Show

Other results:

European Nations Cup; Slovakia bt Azerbaijan 33-18, Russia 22 Romania 12.

South American 'B' Cup; Brazil bt Peru 24-15

In the French Pro D2 2eme journee; Mont-de-Mason 19 La Rochelle 6 (Good surfing in La Rochelle)

And in Italy's Siera A - Giornata; and this is a good one; Termoraggi Cariparma Piacenza bt Hafro Design Udine 34-22

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Ok, Sri Lanka kick off their first Test against Australia today in the Woollongabba area of Brisbane. There's been a flat and true track there since 1895, and the Aussies won't be beaten in this Test, trust the fool. They (Aus) haven't been beaten there for 18 Tests, dating back to 1988!

Stuart MacGill loves the pitch and says, "The Gabba is very good to bowl spin on. It bounces, it turns, its fast...you get results there. If you beat someone, they're beaten. There's no way out." - What about the way you came in?

Punts also likes the pitch and has had a good few knocks on it - 1064 to be precise, from 11 matches at an average of 76. Hayden is not far behind him and tells us why, "The pitch is great. It's the one thing I like about the ground because it's the same - everything about the ground has changed since I first started playing." - Which contrary to popular belief wasn't in 1895.

Pete Young from Cricket Australia is a little apprehensive as to Australia's hospitality to the Lanks, and said that any 'monkey chants' from the crowd would result in ejection from the ground, but it was ok to shout 'no-ball' to Muttiah, as that's  good banter. He explains, "Basically Australia is a very egalitarian country and Australia people are fair-minded and we're very optimistic, we don't expect an issue (of racism)." - Please see the *Tit-bits page for a racist joke! P.s. What does egalitarian mean?

South Africa will entertain the Black Caps at the Wanderers ground for what will be New Zealand's first Test in 12 months, whereas S.A. Were recently in Pakistan. And that's all I have on that!

To some smalls; and Freddie's injury update: he's recovering in rehab in the U.S. (ankle, not booze) and Vaughany is concerned, he said, "It's his last chance saloon and we should all get behind him and give him every opportunity to try and get back." - Saloon might not have been the best choice of words.

He went on to say, "I want him back in the England team because without him we are a lot less of a side." - Who else has that character? Warney of course. Vettorri - no...wears glasses. Dhoni...na, just because he's got long hair, na. Nope, there's not many who can match Freddie.

Ok, Woolmer's death is still under investigation in Jamaica with new evidence suggesting DNA samples from Bob match none of the samples collated for the case so far, so that effectively rules out the 'Bear' Ul-hak...or does it?

At the moment it's one pathologist suggesting foul play against three in favour of natural causes - the case continues.

Till next week...

Other sports:

50.000 fans watched Calzaghe win a unanimous points win over Kessler in Cardiff last Saturday and by all counts he could have cruised through the last round but decided to box till the death, "I just can't avoid having a tear up even though things were going comfortable." - Should have stopped for a cup of tea mate.

Yank legend Bernard Hopkins wants to fight him in the US now for a ₤10m super fight, but Joe's just quite happy to eat lard for a bit in order to go up to the light-heavy division; "I'm gonna celebrate in three ways, eat what I want, have a few pints of Guinness and burn my sodding sweats." - Well done lad, you deserve it.

bernard

The Ham believes in God, as he stated in his new book (Told you they were all at it) - he said, "I really do feel like there is a higher power and that he has given me something." And what ever they say he's not moving to Switzerland for tax reasons; "It's not a tax move. It's just something I've been advised to do." - By his accountant.

Has Martina Hingis got a lawyer the fool wonders? - She's been busted for cocaine, where traces were found in her urine sample at last summer's Wimbledon. She emphatically denies it and calls the situation 'horrendous and monstrous.' - She was also a bit of a goer in the tennis circles and shagged practically all the male tennis pro's on the circuit plus golfer Sergio Garcia and footballer Sol Campbell - bless her Teflon head.

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

A church steeple in Suurhusen in Germany has beaten the leaning Tower of Pisa's lean, racking up 5.19 degrees to a feeble effort from Italy of only 3.97. - Good effort Germany.

well done germany

Meanwhile mozzarella cheese has gone up 50% since June in the UK. Biggest Pizza chain Domino has had to hike their prices up 30p a pizza from ₤10.00 to ₤10.30p - scandalous. It's the price of milk and flour you know - big floods in Europe and big droughts in Australia. - First bacon not good for you now pizza prices are getting out of control - stop the world - fool wants to get off.

lobster prices stay the same

Breast is best, as we all know - shall I leave it at that? No, OK then; 3,000 bairns were tested in the UK and NZ and on average breast fed babes IQ was 7 points higher, regardless of background. It's the FADS2 gene, which processes fatty acids and stimulated the growth nerve fibres.- Wow!

breast is best!

Get your head around this then; US astronomers have found another planet around a star called 55 Cancri 41 light years from earth. That makes five planets that lucky Cancri has and a total of 250 planets known 'out there' other than in our solar system. It's a gas planet, 45 times the mass of earth, and on a good night at the right time of year you can see it with binoculars. - I've only got a toy telescope, will that do?

A magician in Djakovo Croatia has been busted for hipnotising his audience and telling them that ordinary paper was real money. - Don't get it, what's wrong with that?

Gareth Brooks has leap frogged Elvis as the top selling solo artist with 123m units sold. - Chi-ching.

A bloke called Jonathan Mothers has offered his back for advertising. He's asking for ₤1m to tattoo his back so he can travel the world and expose it. So far he's a a good response and says, "So far there has been great response and if more than one firm wants to advertise, I could divide the space and sell it off that way." - Good luck - crazy fool -pay the man!

Crazy Rock n roll capes part X: At the Knebworth Fair in august 1976 the Stones reputedly played their finest gig, as did Lynyrd Skynyrd and journalist Ian Fortnam's memory was that music was the sole entertainment back then, ie. No chill out tents, bungee jumps and noodle bars, however, 'extra-curricular entertainment was provided by a streaker who took to the stage, masturbated enthusiastically and dived into the throng.' - That's what rock festivals are all about.

JK Rowling has hand-written and illustrated her latest book in order to 'get over' the end of Harry and his chums. Only seven have been made of The Tales of Beedle the Bard, a collection of fairy stories, which were mentioned in the Deathly Hallows. Six of them will go to pals who helped her and the seventh will go on auction at Sotherby's on 13^th December. All are bound in Moroccan leather with silver and semi-precious stones embedded in them. - Just like fool's book!

Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.15: I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him₤50.00 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' - Honestly, they don't get any better.

Donny and Marie Osmond's dad has died aged 90 - crazy horses...yeeow un yeeow un.

Led Zeppelin on the other hand have had to postpone their comeback gig from the 26^th November to 10^th December as Jimmy Page has broken his finger, and as everyone should, "Led Zeppelin have always set high standards for ourselves." - It's been a long time.

get better soon jimmy

Ok lastly 18-year-old Steve Marshall drank half a bottle of vodka, whilst on seven different kinds of medication for arthriits then tried to have sex with the pavement. Prosecutor Grant Fraser in Selkirk, UK said, he was, "in the press-up position on the pavement simulating sexual intercourse.". Only after several passers by complained did neighbours take him home. Steve said, "I really regret it. I was depressed and I had too much to drink." - Really! That a was in a place called Galashiels in the UK, but apparently Steve wasn't the first - back in '93 Karl Watkins served 18 months for repeatedly having sex with with pavements in Redditch. - Phoaarr, look at the kerb on that!

what you see is what you get!

just cf it

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