Lost at Sea

Cap't Gingerbread: What be ye got fool?

cf: I see a Spanish Galleon sire. Laden with looted plunder of the finest golden eye's catch, which be but only below a finely polished top deck, which in turn be scrubbed by the finest jackal of jaunty n jolly Jacktar's...arghh...aye.

Cap't Gingerbread. Aye, you've a fine eye there fool. How does thee see such choice detail when's I can ‘nay see but a speck on the yonders still waters? - Arghh...aye...ay.

cf: Cos this be here crow's nest I be in is about no longer for me holding, and I'm only looking doooown...argh...arghh...arghhh!

What do you see?

Vision is in the eye of the perceptive. Clairvoyancy is in the eye of the hopeful. Prophecy is in the eye of the gambler - you gotta know when to hold ‘em and therefore Oracle is in the muddy eye that doesn't shine and is full of it. What have you got up your sleeve, is by no comparison to the old joke of; Where's The Andes? But then what in the wild world of planning your future with a hint of soothsayer-ism has cf got to do with it all, and what in the bludgeoned unknown future is he on about?

Before we start with the after let's hone in on the now and chomp on a quizzical cracker that is:

1. Who, according Jesus' misheard interpretation from the crowd gathered at the ‘sermon on the mount', shall, ‘inherit the earth' in Monty Python's Life of Brian?

2. In which country is the city of Mogadishu? Bless you!

3. What shape is farfalle pasta?

4. What part of his body did Lord Raglan lose at Waterloo? Careless really.

5. What is the only English anagram of SUBLINEAR?

6. Which Beatle holds the trumpet on the Sgt. Pepper album sleeve?

7. What are the two ingredients of marzipan?

8. In which decade were the following introduced into the UK? a) Zebra crossings b) Driving tests c) Breathalysers

Answers in Comps & results along with last week's WHO AM I? Which, at last has been had, got, gotten and done with.

This week's Who Am I? "I told him to be aware during this month."

Is it me?

Can you guess who this week's sponsors are? Try some of them for links, you might find yourself somewhere you'll like!

As for a quick shimmer at cfn's contents; let's glance: *Digger's playing with some genitalia in the name game this week. Plus look out, look out, the AFL tipping comp starts again soon - get in touch where ever you are in the world you can play - it's a hoot - diggerafl@yahoo.com.au

You can also catch *Trigger on the hoof, if you can! *Poetry Corner's always graceful. *Tit-bits: wouldn't be without em. *TiV: New one coming soon, as are these, just gotta pull my finger out: *About the Author & site. *Top 100. *Rugby in the Nam. Plus all the usual favourites. And *Bongo Massif Bro's - you're beginning to grind. *The Fishman cometh.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, for it's rugbly time: and yes, I don't mind a bit of a rant on the rugby paddock, so please bear with me for it is all done in the best fool's taste.

Let's kick off with some Super 14, and there's a bit of a comp going on this year eh. And those ‘Is-its', the Sarf Africans - where'd they come from? I say it's a bit of a comp, but there still is some fantastically fumbling, comedy rugby on hand or not as the case maybe. There's something to be said about watching powerful and fast athletes run ragged with the ball but a slice of continuity, basic skills and simple rugby doesn't go a miss either- nor does bacon.

Pick of the bunch was The Sharks at home to The Crusaders, who swapped scores and level peggings at will, right down to the wire where The Sharks snuck home with a last minute try from the man with the biggest forehead in rugby and a conversion by, an equally non remembered name, think fool, think God damn it, nope, can't, anyway it wasn't Percy. Anyway the two points snuck them home by a point!

Stirling Mortlock (Good bloke) and Clyde Rathbone (Immature tosser) are back for The Brumbies against The Stormers this week in Canberra. And coach Laurie Fisher is more hopeful than last week's loss to The Bulls. On a positive note he remarked from that game, "If we hadn't dropped 16 balls, given away 3 penalties on attack and lost 5 attacking lineouts we were going to win." - That's right mate, but up the pair of yer and go The Force...who lost by one in the last minute to The Lions! Those Vali's again.

Ok, The Stormers smashed The Hurricanes in their home country, if not home ground (Dunedin) 30-17 in Palmerston North. Conrad Smith had his first game back for The Canes - back from filming the Brady Bunch I think. But it was Brent Russell's and David Smith's collision that called for another great Murray Mextedism, "They are probably asking him where he is, but he doesn't know. How many players have heard of Palmerston North?" - Exactly, and where would Super 14 be without the Mexted?

Off the 14's, but keeping south, and Matt Burke is looking at being called from retirement to fill a gaping Australian No.15 spot...again - not the gap, but the Burke sit. The 81 Test capped star from ‘93'-‘04', is now a British citizen, as it cancels him out from being an ‘overseas player' at Newcastle.

With Latham having a touch of knee recon, Rogers gone back to Leeds! (League) Clinton Scnifcosfske is only in his first year at the 15 man game, and he's 31, and Andrew Walker 33 who has just returned from a bout at League, a bout at drugs and a walk about in France - there are not many fullbacks left! - Bet he (Burke) doesn't play.

Ok, a bit of international time, and if by soothsayerism prophecy England skipper Phil Vickery said this gone Monday, after being punched out in Saturday's club game for Wasps v's Bristol; "Regardless of what happens to me - stab me in the heart with a pitch fork for all I care, as long as England win (France, Sunday)." "I believe this group desperately wants success and I'll back them all the way, if I'm part of that, fantastic. If not then I will not be one of those players who goes crying to the media when the axe falls. I'll cheer the boys from the stand." - Which is just as well really, that he's injured, because on last week's performance he was looking at the axe or the pitch fork.

Now bear with me, because he said all that when speaking at a function for the Guinness Evolver FS, which is high-tech seating stadia firm. Get this; it increases comfort, aids digestion and helps correct your posture. ‘Ah yes, row 14 sir, that'll be the massage and blowjob seating, down the steps and it's to your right.'

Seat 14 sir

But who did play well for England against Ireland? Andy Farrell, that's who. cf said so during the game when he was pissed, after the game still pissed and now, well I woke up pissed! Vickery said so too, who can now obviously get pissed now that he's not playing. He said, "Some people hammered Faz (Where did they come up with that name?). Yet he did not do much wrong. I don't like it when the boys take stick, but for me it comes with the armband." - Quick, he's sobering up; stab him with the pitch fork again.

Kieran Bracken also hailed the ‘Faz' and said, "I think he put on one of the best England performances." And that Carling and Guscott were, ‘headline grabbers.'

French ref Joel Jutge in that game is a bit of a headline grabber as he had his tuppence worth too, he said, "They (Eng) had no bite during that game." - He was right of course.

And he was right; they were punched out of sight, which as we know happened to Vickery on Saturday by Bristol's Jason Hobson. Bristol's coach Richard Hill said, "It would take some punch to put down that powerful ox, but if I discover something has taken place, we'll act. We can't have the England captain being laid out in England!"

Anyway, Vickery's not playing on Sunday, neither is the ‘Faz' (Back problems - probably from carrying the rest of the team!) nor Jonny, hammy. Nor 7 others as a colossal team change is in action.

It's a shame 21 year old James Haskell didn't make the side, but was in the squad. He's the flanker who 3 years ago was suspended from Wellington College, top public school, for helping set up a camera to film his mate having sex with his girlfriend. - Oh those wacky public school boys eh.

However it will be a good game, as French new cap Olivier Moulloud who comes in in the second row says, "Even with their injuries, their uncertainties, the English can call on quality players. They have a big pool of players." "In England it is 50-50, we are going there without pressure." - But probably some nice cheese and a dopple or two of the grape no doubt.

And as old head, Raphael Ibanez concludes, "Those who believe it will be easy for us at Twickenham know nothing about rugby." - You see, you know nothing, nothing I tell you, nothing.

Steady heads will take this game as France's sure step to the Grand Slam. cf says, with England's inexperienced pack, and the leadership not given to Corry because he has too much to do in new position in the boiler room, but to vet Catt, who is amongst a sharp backline - he, the fool, he is still rocking for an England win 30-20!!!

Just while I ponder that thought, I've just read that the French Foreign Legion was ‘born' on the 10^th March 1831 - a cut-throat band of forgetfuls. But if you were thinking of joining, here's a couple of rules you might want to know:

The minimum term of service is five years.

You cannot have a bank account.

You are not permitted to live off barracks.

You may not own a car or motorcycle. (But presumably a camel?)

Marriage is forbidden until you attain the rank of sergeant or have served for nine years. (Then only to a camel!)

I must apologise for no comments on the Scotland v Ireland game, and the Italy Wales, but I think I've crapped on enough on God's greatest game this week already. Suffice to say that Welsh pretty boy Henson will be available for their May tour to Oz as too will Sonny Parker - wasn't he a 1930's smack head jazz musician.

Wins for Ireland and Wales, although I'd love to see the others do it.

Lets looky at some cricket:

Ok, anyone notice the World Cup starts on Saturday? Micheal Vaughan, skipper of England has, and he's summed up his country's wants; "We want to have a really good World Cup campaign and come home with something special in our hands." - Well said skip.

Black Caps all rounder Jacob ‘big fella' Oram's chomping at the bit to play - broken finger or not; "If it means cutting the finger off, if that's the last resort, I'll do that. There's no way I'm missing this." - Yeah you'd better hurry up and come back; you were just beaten in a warm by the Bangles!

Wasn't she in the Bangles?

Brian Lara 37 is keen as mustard to go guns a blazing, as it's probably his last bet on the Cup. But the man, who's got over 10k ODI runs and holds the Test record too is glancing over at Pakistan or England for the dark horse spots.

Lara

Mathew Hayden is keen for a hit too, and stresses it's the bowlers who are under pressure on the Caribbean's small grounds. He reckons 500 is not a silly total; "It's at an interesting stage, one-day cricket. We laugh (Oh, yes we do), but we laughed at 400 not less than a year ago, saying it is not possible." - It's possible, it's possible. (Deputy Dog)

England's quick bowler Liam Plunkett was under some recent pressure of his own. He was all set to give his dad, Alan 49, one of his kidneys! - ‘Well, if you're not using it son.' - Alan's got polycystic kidney disease. It's a hereditary number and Liam is the only one of four kids who hasn't got it. He says, "Obviously with your dad on his death bed, you would try to help any way you can, wouldn't you?" Dad, Alan wants him to concentrate on his World Cup and said, "Liam is the only person in my family who could give me a kidney. He offered but I said, ‘thanks, but no thanks.'" - ‘Cheap bastard' he mutters under his breath as Liam boards the plane.

Plunkett

McGrath is another quickie, and almost as old as Liam's dad. He's 37, and wants the Aussie new ball in this, what will be his swansong (Do they sing?). As Australia go for their 3^rd straight win and not withstanding recent form, have to be favourites, Pigeon said, "I love taking the new ball, obviously that's the way I would prefer to go, But I'll sit down and I'll have a think about the game and which is best suited to the team, as well as talk to Buck (Rogers) and Ricky (Bilbao) and the other guys." - Yeah mate, you take it easy...have a chat...take a load off. It's a hard-knock life cricket, eh.

Scots coach Peter Drinnen goes into the tournament with head held high, he says, "I know there are mixed feelings, people not quite sure whether associate members should be involved at this level." But after the warm game against a Barbados XI he was pretty happy with his spinners, "It was particularly pleasing that Majid Hag got ‘five-for' and Glenn Rogers got ‘three-for'" - Some real cowboys and Indians there eh.

couple of cowboys

England batsmen had a bit of a wobble at the hands of Bermuda's 19st 4lb spinner Dwayne Leverock. He was once a silver medallist in the junior Caribbean games 110m hurdles. Know anyone in Saigon like that?

The Irish nearly toppled the Boks; they needed 193 to win, were 139-4 with 14 overs to go...The Boks knocked em over for 157.

Right, lastly, yet another reflection on those dreaded Ashes, dreaded for the English and especially Steve ‘once bodily' Harmison. He said this week, "From the very first ball of the Ashes series I hated the game of cricket." He went on. "Our best players didn't turn up and some failed to achieve anything." He puts himself in that category, and continues, "I can't think of a worse ball than that (opening delivery), in fact I can't remember ever bowling as bad as that. It was my worst nightmare." - That's ok; you're not blamed...much.

Other sports:

22 year-old Lewis Hamilton is being tipped by Damon Hill to be the first black F1 champ. He says of him, "Lewis can win in Melbourne. There is absolutely no doubt about it." - There are, what other proof do you need? He also said, "He has that sixth sense about driving." - Haven't we been saying that about Jenson for the past couple of years?

Lewis'

Other Stuff:

Ralph Fiennes, the trolly dolly shagging cad has been at it again, this time bare arse-crack naked at 5a.m. in a hotel swimming pool with none less than four lovelies. A guest in the Hotel Tuilerieen in Bruges, Belgium, where Ralph is currently filming said, "There was a lot of screaming, shouting and loud music." Manageress Patricia Homble said, "I wasn't happy about it." - Well, you wouldn't be would you, pass another tissue please.

Michael Hutchence' brother is obviously broke. He's selling one of the INXS stars love letters written in ‘97' to Kylie (Bless her cottons) on eBay. Now, there's no need for that is there...he could've just put it in fool's classified!

It's 50years of the EU, and they're celebrating it in Berlin by having a pastry festival. Britain's sending Eccles cakes and hot cross buns. Just for the nerds Britain is officially made up of England and Wales, Great Britain includes Scotland and the British Isles are the two large islands of Great Britain and Ireland. The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is just that. Next week a lesson on Rhodesia

Hmmm

Dutch idiot or entrepreneur Patrick de Man - yeah right, he's de man, has opened up ‘Naked Sunday' day at his Fitworld Gym. Apparently it's all the rage. You do have to dry off where you've been with a towel and use disposable seat covers on the bikes, but other than that its blood pumping as usual.

At the gym

Chinese TV are looking for three men and three women to be monkeys for 5 days in the Xi'an Qinling Wildlife Park in Xi'an City. They'll be fed by tourists and filmed...wait for it...being monkeys. Can't wait...can you!

73 year-old Brit Tom Arundel was out playing golf with his mate near Tampa, Florida when they heard a man yell, "A gator's got me.' They rushed over to help Vernon Messier 57 who was diving for lost golf balls but now was clamped by the foot and being dragged back into the lake by the 7ft dinosaur. Tom and mate, gouged its eyes till it let go and said, "It was terrifying. We were shaking." Vernon was messier!

even messier

Ok, lastly the New Mexico transport department has installed 500 talking urinals into bars across the county. A woman's voice says, ‘Hey, big guy, having a few drinks? Think you've had too many? Then it's time to call a cab or call a sober friend for a ride home. Remember, you're future is in your hand.'

Hey big guy...

Look to the future folks, what do you see?

Just cf it

cf