Crazy Fool's Newsround - 2nd - 8th July 2010 volume 387

2nd - 8th July 2010 volume 387
July, 08th 2010 13:56 PM

“The devil went down to Georgia; he was looking for a soul to steal

He was in a bind ‘cos he was way behind; he was willin’ to make a deal”

(Charlie Daniels)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 8.7.10

For 33 Field Hospital

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

What’s up doc!

A fully operational London hospital ward used to make a porn film in order pay the bills has been deemed immoral, yet viable this week.

In a time when Britain found it had less money than India it suddenly dawned on the public that the proposed VAT rise to 20% could keep any personal spicy culinary expenditure treats to nothing more than spaghetti hoops in hot sauce.

Revelations of the old Labour government selling off hospital beds for private examinations has tipped the scales of economic decency to the point where purchases from Suzy Wong’s Full Cream Cappuccino Café in the House of Commons foyer can no longer be claimed as expenses.

MP Penny Mordaunt who was Director of Kensington and Chelsea council at the time confirmed a big budget pornographic film took place in an undisclosed London hospital.

“Although I cannot claim to have seen the picture – as I understand it these things are no longer claimable on parliamentary expenses – it was a big budget affair and generated substantial income for the hospital, but apart from cheering up a few in-patients, it cannot be said they contributed to the objective of the primary care trust.”

-Which can also be said for Britain acting as a broker between the CIA and KGB as it tries to coerce a nuclear probe into Anna Chapman’s secrets.

Ain’t nobody here but us chickens

Sex free Norrie May-Welby is no longer the worlds only member of the official ‘non specified’ sex gender’s gang but is in now legally a woman.

Norrie, born in Scotland and immigrated to Australia, has been ruled 60% woman and 40% man by New South Wales officials. Born a woman she stopped taking the hormone pills after the operation.

Norrie plans to take her case to the Human rights council saying, “There are two types of people – those who think there are men and women and those who think there are just people. The set who believe there are only men and women get really upset.”

And chickens…uh, what about the chickens!

Crack on

Britain’s oldest nudist club is to crack on through their 83^rd birthday despite colossal noise from nearby roadworks.

The Five Acres Country Club in St Albans, Hertfordshire is competing with the construction of a fourth lane to Europe’s busiest motorway, the M25.

Workers have agreed to minimise noise and dust levels but cannot promise complete satisfaction to the Club’s 250 members.

As English as jam

As English as jam and knowing where you were when Lady Di joined the late great gollywog in the sky, a firm has celebrated such English icons by making jam from Lady Diana’s hair.

Called Occult Jam, it’s the brain child of Sam Bompas from Bompas and Parr; producers of wacky food products. When approached to make something for London’s Barbican Gallery in a surrealist theme he contacted a US dealer he knows who collects celebrity’s hair and thus explained his thinking, “We thought about it and the most mundane food of all is jam. So we made it a surreal object.”

Sam mixes the hair with gin, milk and sugar and sells it for £5 a jar. He once made scratch n sniff cards of different scenes from the film ‘The Cook, the Thief, the Wife and His Lover’, which was a flop because it was limited to the smell of poached trout.

Finland’s Taisto Miettenen and Kristina Haapenen have won the World Wife Carrying competition for the second year running. That’s one wife and not as many as you can carry at once…not many Mormons in Finland. Nevertheless, it’s a 253m haul and the Estonians’ were in with a good shout had they not fallen at the water obstacle.

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Off the top of my head, and I’m giving myself three seconds here; I can name three songs with the word water in the title – ready…go; Bridge Over Troubled Water, The Water Margin, The Bucket of Water Song – ok, The Water Margin wasn’t a song, but hopefully that can be over-ridden by Sally James in a wet t-shirt, let’s see if we’ve got a YouTube clip’

How wet is this: (only available on website!)

In fact I cannot possibly show it - it's rubbish...move along...

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: MONKEY BATH – A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: “Oo! Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!.

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve, Geezer Butler, Albert Austin (silent film star),

Animal news

*Britain’s shrimps and prawns are getting hooked on anti-depressants. A study has found they are five times more likely to swim to the light if fed on fluoxente, the agent found in Prozac, and of course whilst there the birds and fish pick them off with veritable ease.

By studying the theory of human excretion into the sewers, residues of still ‘active’ drugs are being consumed by the oceans bed dwellers. Dr Alex Ford of Portsmouth University concluded, “Crustaceans are crucial to the food chain. If behaviour is being changed this would seriously upset the balance of the eco-system.”

In a report on why inhabitants of south-east Asian fishing ports are suddenly becoming prone to mass suicide, chemists across the South China Sea region are stocking on Prozac. Shrimp fisherman Young n Phat collapsed whilst filming, in state of extreme over-acting, he wailed and hollered as he sung Elvis songs whilst slithering over the side of the boat we were on, “I can’t take it anymore, I’ll see you in the next world, and don’t be late…don’t be late… Goodbye mama shrimp, papa shake my hand…”

*Russian dog owner Sergei Gorbunov has fitted his mutt Boniface with the world’s first diving suit and oxygen mask…now if I’m not mistaken Tin Tin’s dog Snowy had one of them…can someone check that?

*Animal smuggling has a global turnover of £3.6billion. If you’d like to get into animal smuggling try rare reptiles, they’re the biggest earners!

*Scientists have reduced methane emission from sheep by 40% by including coriander and turmeric in their diet. A good curry will sort out the good from the bad bacteria as coriander acts as a stomach digestive whilst turmeric has antiseptic values.

So ideally if we eat a lamb Rogan josh just once a week we could cut the cheese cloud by 14.something% - is that correct – 14.3% - is that correct…nurse…

Number crunching

*41% of Americans believe Jesus will return by 2050. By the same year 71% say there will be a cure for cancer and 81% say computers will converse with humans (They already do – they just don’t fucking listen!).

At the Pew Research Center (Excuse the spelling – it’s Yank – excuse the Yank if you’re a Southern Yank, as a friend recently pointed out to me, they don’t like it, and don’t point in the Western World, some folk don’t like it or put your feet on the table or show the soles of your feet in Asia if you watch those HSBC adverts – in fact don’t do anything but sit back and meditate like the Maharaja said, well, he would if he were still allowed) 1,546 fully grown adults also had a female president of America in at 89%, a world single currency riding on 41% and the world being hit by an asteroid at 31%, which by then we’ll be free to say what we like and not offend anyone…ARSE!

*I see Joan Ginther won her fourth, million dollar plus jackpot, on the lottery in Bishop town Texas. She doesn’t even live there but just goes to see her dad now and again and buys a scratch card from the local shop. Her latest scoop was £6.2m on a £20 card, which along with her other wins since 1993 ads up to £14m take home, after tax of course, which had she been in England would be up to 20% and she’d back on the spaghetti hoops with a giant thermometer up her bum.

*Still, the Lord will provide, but perhaps not to Tom Jones, whose latest album doesn’t have the backing of his producer David Sharpe at Island Records.

David said, after ploughing £4.5m into the 70 year-old, “I have just listened to the album and want to know if this is some kind of sick joke.” – “We did not invest a fortune in an established artist for him to deliver 12 tracks from the Common Book of Prayer.” – One of the tracks from the album Praise and Blame is called ‘Lord Help the Poor and Needy’. And another dedicated to a London Hospital, ‘If This Is Heaven Take Me Now’.

*There is another oldest dad in Britain, as it seems the craze is catching on now. But dad, Raymond Calvert 79, is having a spot of bother from his 6 other children who are bickering regards his will, which they believe will go to the young-un.

Ray says, “Money can cause problems, I gave them all an ultimatum, I said to them, ‘If you carry on like this, I will leave it all to charity.’ – Gradually they are all coming around.” – Wise old pops – the biggest search on Google Australia is ‘How to have sex?’

*A computer generated age prediction scheme has insurance companies rubbing their hands together all over the world. The machine, as it says, predicts any ailments patients might incur in the future regards to existing conditions, lifestyle, diet etc - ‘What’s this… Alzheimer’s, I see, but you didn’t even know you’d be getting it…hmmm, first signs I’m afraid…I’ll put you down as ‘High Risk’ shall I!’

where's the picture?

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz