Crazy Fool's Newsround - 2nd - 8th January '09 volume 311

2nd - 8th January '09 volume 311
January, 10th 2009 02:15 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: fool is on a quiz show, Guessed My Question? With Bert and Ernie, Jacob Marley, some spinach, and Elmer Thud as chairman.

Elmer: fool…

fool: Correct

Elmer: Over to you Bert and Ernie

Bert and Ernie: Well I don’t know Bert… (Long blank face)

Elmer: Spinach?

Spinach:

Elmer: That just leaves you Jacob, oh shackles of chains. And what are you doing here, oh chum of the past. Christmas has been-eth, we be in with the New Year here see. You’re like the old hat, you’re all washed up, you’re a has-been of yester-yonder, look at you, you’re a disgrace…just a shadow of your former self...(turns to the camera) ta da!

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, that was a joke by Elmer Thud …a very small one…We now interrupt this quiz to bring you the quiz of 2009 – have you got a barcode?

1. Which one was Bert and which one was Ernie?

2. Apart from appearing in the Bible, what do Balthazar, Methuselah and Nebuchadnezzar have in common?

3. What would you be studying if you were a batalogist?

4. What does the word ‘guru’ mean?

5. The first person recorded as describing the British weather was Julius Caesar during his invasion of 55BC; true or false?

6. What was the last state to join the American Union?

7. What fraction is used to express pi?

8. What is the main flavouring in the drink absinthe? A) Madwort B) Aniseed C) Wormwood

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? It took an unattainable lead of accumulative points to notch up the 2008 tally to 22 & 6 points, which is inclusive, of course, of the, and most important, six correct first-in answers, to be seen on the sub–tally points board, which albeit was on par with second’s position, but ultimately not enough to cut the mustardy numero uno splodge, which this year, for last season’s comp, was topped by the Dracule fella – if you can follow that then your more a fool than I. Here were the last two clues of yester-year: clue No.1, “Partial to a few sheep, I wasn’t perhaps in the real world but I’m sure I’d ring a few bells in the filament of your animation.” – No.2; “I’m wondering if I actually had a name, the sheep definitely knew me for sure and would often shout it twice…or was it the shepherd that would shout, surely the sheep would bleet!” – Yes, it was of course Mildew from “It’s the wolf, it’s the wolf’. And now flaffs without anymore spoons here’s a new clue for a new WAI? For a new year in the all new, wipe the slate clean and let’s play for 2009’s WAI? – Clue No.1: “Not only should I have been credited with the first Fish n Chip shop but probably the first brothel too!”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 47 (not sure where the other 5 went) in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – were:

The 2008 standings:

Dracule: 22 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1) - winner

Legal Eagle: 15 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1) – runner-up

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ) – neither a winner nor runner-up

Quizmaster: off the marc! 7 (1 or 1, 1, 1, 1) – none of the above

Casualty: cruising on; 2 – Zippo fatso

Others: 1 – c**ts

Hats have been made for the winners, yes, Eagle, I haven’t forgotten last year’s; it will be in the post this week.

Quote(s) for the week:

On a packed show tonight we’ll be talking to an out of work contortionist who can no longer make ends meet

The Two Ronnies

*Non-descript trivia moment*

CRICKETING DISMISALS

Hit Wicket . Caught . Bowled . Run Out . Handled Ball . Stumped . Hit Ball Twice . Timed Out . Leg Before Wicket . Obstructed Field

Look out next week for field positions – how many can you name?

fool’s Gold

In the Dark Ages it was thought that when you sneezed, a brief opportunity for devils to enter your mouth was present, thus explains the origins of “Bless you”.

A novel written in 1892 by Jack McCullough, entitled Golf In The Year 2000, referred to digital watches, bullet trains and driverless golf carts.

In the 18^th century all carrots were either purple or white. Dutch farmers decided to plant and cultivate orange crops as it was their national colour.

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Bailout: The request of banks, automakers, homeowners and others as the financial crisis worsened. Dr. Phil notes that this was voted as the Word of the Year 2008 by the likes of CNN and NY Times - a close second was "Facebook"

fool says: Arse is the best word…next to shoehorn

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Playing drinking games or not necessarily drinking games but party games with a bunch of women who; cheat, cajole, stall, change direction, just nip out to get some chocolate, flout every answer as acceptable, agree with each other, completely loose focus then come back in the room half hour later and say, ‘right where were we?’… ‘Finished’…‘Oh, but I was enjoying that.’ – BASTARDS!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

The new stretch of tarmac or as Aussies call it, bitch, that runs by the river, you know, that stretch between Bosun’s Shipyard and the dude with the pointy finger – past the Landmark and Legend Hotel – those not in Saigon – come now; it’s a real smooth ride.

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; delves into the New Year, apparently it’s only 33 days till the next game! Read what they have to eat.

*Trigger: takes us into 2009 – El Segundo coming back? Dunno, but Trigger says keep your money in your pocket this week.

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – use them, they’re fun - Next one out now, or maybe tomorrow!

*Tit-bits – .../...The first kind of sex…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters is still doing the rounds, whilst fool steady’s his kitchen

*Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks! But for now catch up on the exploding monkey, lesbian divers and lots more…

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – You on the road again?

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie

Now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move on:

Just like the old days in Flanders when the King’s and Kaiser’s men would take Christmas day off to share a woodbine and a pint of mud, so did the professional rugby player of this, the modern era, until Boxing day that was, when bashing the crap out of each other was resumed as normal. They, thankfully, carried on this entertainment for us to goggle on the box over the New Year, and most recently came up with this:

A couple of games from the Guinness Premiership: Gloucester beat Saracens 22-16 with a full house display from Mike Tindall. I don’t mean that he scored a try, dropped a goal, converted a try, saved a try and got sent off, but the mere fact that he had a blinder, and some say is back to the form of his life, which the studious will note is a contradiction in terms!

Suffice to say he was happy with his own performance and said, “This is the fittest and sharpest I’ve felt since I came here.” – Here being his fourth season with the Cherries, from Bath. The game finished on one try a piece, with one from Olly Morgan, set up by Tindall, and Richard ‘Hair’ Houghton finishing off for Sarries. The rest was a kicking competition between Jackson and Barkley, which the latter won.

Leicester and Bath had a good old fashioned ding-dong with the Tigers scraping it in injury time from a coolly taken conversion to Croft’s second try, by Derrick Hougaard – 24-22.

Bath notched up three well taken tries to Leicester’s two, but it was their third from a string of inter-passing over-head, round the gate and up the blindside, between Butch James and Joe Maddock, who finally bundled himself over. But as the final tally states, was not enough.

It was a similar story between Wasps and Harlequins, finishing on one try a piece, but with Wasps coming from behind and sealing a cracker of a game 24-18. Danny Care made a nuisance of himself again as norm, and likewise Easter was all over the place. Quins maybe ticking all the raised eyebrow boxes but its Wasps still stutteringly slow start to the season, which is midway through now, that’s tattooed them on with a six inch nail for good measure – most alarmingly the Cip’s two, more, clearance kicks that were charged down. Shaun Edwards admits he’s having sleepless nights about it, especially after his three soft tries he gave away in his seven Tests for England; “It’s a real issue. Things are happening too slowly for the kicker and he is not kicking high enough.” – Lazy, fool calls it.

In the land of Northampton the Saints beat rock bottom Bristol 30-8, and talk there was of Ben Foden who plays equally well at full-back or half-back. Bristol’s boss Richard Hill on the other hand simply said of their performance, “It was pretty dismal.”

And London Irish thumped Newcastle 48-8, with Mike Catt 37 getting one of the seven tries, and England’s fly-half Shane Geraghty who stole the show – police!

Under Le Tunnel Bayonne (et) continued to slip down the Top14’s ladder with a 13-13 draw against Castres who in turn cranked it up a bit, seen as they haven’t won since November 15^th. ‘Rodzilla’ Blake touched down for them/ Bourgoin dealt Serge Blanco’s Biarritz’s sixth loss on the trot 15-14 – 60 smokes a day Serge…pah!/ Stade Francais hammered Dax 56-16 on their march to the top/ Clermont and more’s to the point Napoliani Nalaga’s four tries troubled Tana’s Toulon outfit into the relegation zone with a 32-5 win/ And you’ve gotta play well to get any points at Mont-de-Marsan, as Montauban found out – they did well, but lost 16-13/ And Toulouse stayed top of the 14 with their 10^th straight win and sent the Mediterranean’s, Montpellier packing 34-0 thanks to tries from, Yannick Jauzion, Bryon Kelleher x2, Gregory Lamboley and Florian Fritz.

Some Shorts:

The January transfer window is open in the UK and up for potential grabs are 12 Wasps players, none of them particularly want to go, especially the likes of the Cip and James Haskell, whom the big French outfits Stade Francais and Perpignan, have shown big interest, especially by waving their no salary cap policy around.

Those kind of clubs will pay the asking price of ₤350.000 and ₤300.000 respectively. So would the big London Clubs, where incidentally they both want to stay, more’s to the point, at Wasps. Although Quins have ruled out the Cip as they’ve got Nick Evans on ₤370.000. And Eddie Jones at Sarries is yet to make up his mind. The salary cap has been dropped this year by ₤500.000 to ₤3.5mil and as the Brian Clough of rugby says, “He’s (Cip) a brilliant player, who kicks goals and makes things happen. That’s real value for money.” But he also says that’s 10% of his budget, and, “That’s a hell of a lot for one player.”

It’s all shite though, because Wasps will pay him what he wants at the end of the day, and just tell him to kick the ball higher and quicker or he’s out. And keep bringing your girlfriend down the club.

I’m done.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup – too late! Yes, he has had had two takers – and yes, he is now upping the anti to 2015 – and yes, the betting window for 2011 is closed – so up yours.

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get. Please call now:

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

And holy bi-focal what in the wide, wide world of sports has been going on this week; just where do you start – the demise of Australian cricket since Warne, McGrath and Langer’s departure, the rise of South Africa or the English school-boys reunion of Old Stabinthebackonians.

As Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate said, ‘It started with a kiss’, and someone (hooker) leaked the rift between Moores et co for sure. KP saw it as the green light to vent his spleen, and before we knew it Moores was deemed as too challenging, intense and inflexible - a man, who reportedly dabbles in perspiration not inspiration.

Then just as KP felt he had a strangle hold on the situation all the England players denounced the former ‘Is-it’ for milking the whole return to India trip, sourcing it as good chance to land a lucrative IPL deal, and also said he was a poor tactician in the field, and were not going to stand by him in his Moores hunt. But to be fair they also agreed that Moores was a cunt.

Thus started a whole catalogue of abuse for both parties, and even Moores’ old chum from the ECB Hugh Morris was obliged to monkey around on his back, a very real case of Kenneth Williams’, ‘infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it infamy.’

The tide didn’t exactly turn in favour for Moores, as public opinion jostled for position on the scaffold after KP started demanding Moores should go, but it became pretty clear that he wasn’t going down solo. In his noted silence he helped KP shoot himself in his other foot, as he stomped around in a prima-donna huff, then as expected they were both dragged down to the murky depths of dismissal, albeit KP was allowed to sign his own death warrant.

Translated that means Moores and KP had a public tiff, which, is a no can do in any sporting circles, for any country, and for a captain to publicly demand a ‘him or me’ scenario, which turned out to be the case, is asking for his own balls on a plate. His wife is his agent – you’d think she might have seen it coming, but then can you tame creativity?

NASA, err Nasser Hussain thinks so; “You cannot just sit on Safari in South Africa and issue ultimatums to the Board about the England captaincy. You’ve got to get off your backside, come back to England, and you sit down with your bosses and discuss the best way to progress. What has happened in the past week is very poor from a lot of people.” – They need some sweet love – try the ‘bitch’ by the river!

In the meantime another ‘Is-it’ Andrew Strauss takes over the reigns, but at least he went to a posh school – Radley! And fellow countryman Graham Ford is tipped as coach – you comment.

Meanwhile over the other side of the world Australia held onto their 13 year reign as King of the Hill by beating South Africa at the SCG by 103runs with only 10 balls to go.

Don’t for a minute shout about the Aussie team, because they’re pretty much in the same shit-house as England right now, with only Johnson and perhaps Siddle holding onto a paddle.

But South Africa played a wonderful series with Dale Steyn and Makhaya Ntini putting on a 50 run 9^th wicket stand, then skipper Smith came in with a broken left hand and dodgy elbow and helped himself to three before Mitchell got him clean bowled after 29 minutes and at precisely 5.34p.m. local time Smith wasn’t expecting to bat and didn’t even bring his kit, “I had to steal the shirt and then the pullover that still had a hamburger stain on the front.” - Must have been Kallis’.

2-1 the series ended in favour of the Proteas. A couple of one-dayers now then it’s all back to South Africa-land to do it all again. England go to Windy-land, with probably more baggage than they were expecting and fool’s advice to them is to start smoking ganja – heavily - Ashes should be interesting!

Till next week…

Other sports:

Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor 48, notched up his 14^th World Darts Championship this week with a drubbing over old foe Ray van Barneveld 7-1. Teach him to dye our carrots!

Phil hasn’t won the Ladbrokes.com PDC World Championships for a couple of years, but is back fighting fit, after bouts of boxing, swimming and running, and said it was easy going from 18st to 14. He also said losing weight had nothing to do with Russian glamour chick Anastasia Dobromyslova, dubbed From Russia With Love, playing in the men’s league, but was more for the mental fitness required for staying on top of his ₤5m earnings he and other top players earn – yep, ₤5m+. He reckons sponsorship is going through the roof and will soon hit ₤10m.

He also reckons its time for darts to be an Olympic sport, and between you and me I think he’s gone a bit doolally; “It’s no longer about just drinking beer all night and throwing some arrows. Darts is closer to a game like football these days.” He said – Come here, there’s more; after his win over Dutchy, he said, “It was like a boxing match. I couldn’t afford to relax for a split second until I hammered in that last double.” – There’ll be a couple of darts players in Saigon I know in the gym this week getting a full Rambo.

If you want more of Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor, then catch him in Panto in Stoke-on-Trent, he plays the Wicked Queen’s Magic Mirror in Snow White.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Women who are size 8 get more sex…hang on, a couple of weeks ago they told us it was the fat ones. Anyway, 60% of size 8’s get it in a week compared to 50% of size 12’s and only a third of size 16’s. One in ten who are officially obese won’t even get it in a year, the reason they say is because they’re too embarrassed to be seen naked. – Mantelpiece and fire and all that – get on Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor’s diet.

Or alternatively that ‘bitch’ road, where another survey found the sexiest women drive a Mini, next was the BMW 1 series, followed by a Peugeot 206 the Ford Ka and finally a Vauxhall Corsa – what about the bus – there’s already too many cars on the road.

Tummy tucks are up 54% this year – do they mean last year? Nose jobs up 40%. Liposuction and boob jobs 27% and guess what…17.5% of all surgeries are on men. I don’t know, if you can’t live with what God gave you… although I do like Digger’s suggestion of getting an extra nipple put on your foot so you could give it a tweak each time you put your sock on.

Keeping with cars, you can get a microwave that’ll plug into your cigarette lighter and cook you a pie in 4minutes and heat a cup of coffee in 6. The 12 volt oven will also connect to your battery and cook in half the time. A spokesman for the ₤130.00 device from Maplin Electronics said, “You no longer have to worry about searching for places to eat as this microwave ensures that you can plan your day as you want and eat when you are hungry.” – Wow, he makes it sound like he’s just saved the planet – I want one for crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie and a Four ‘n Twenty Pie. What I want to know though is, can I get one for my bike, it’s a Hondawave, and does it come in blue.

Rajini Narayan 44 took the whole cooking thing too far and set her husband’s balls alight as he slept. He jumped up, as you would, and knocked over the alcohol based bottle of solvent she used and burnt the house down and died. Rajini from Australia has been charged for murder where the prosecutor described her as, ‘a jealous wife’ after she admitted doing it because she saw him, Satich, hug another woman, in her defence she said, “I didn’t mean this to happen. I only wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no-one else.” – Yer happy now!

But apparently the biggest idiot in 2008, according to the Darwin awards, was the Brazilian priest who tried to break the record for floating on a chair lifted by 1000 helium balloons. The record is 19hrs; he did 8 before getting into trouble over the Atlantic and didn’t know how to use his Satnav. The second best was 68 year-old Italian Ivace Plattiner who got stuck on a level crossing and was last seen running towards an express train waving his arms frantically.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! “I hate music, especially when it’s played.” Jimmy Durante

Morris Dancing in England is feared to be a dying art. There are only 14 thousand Morris dancers left with very few young-uns coming through. A 35 year-old from the Gloucester Morris Men, one of the youngest around, said, “People snigger, but there’s something so quaint and English about it.” – Roger Gomly 63, from Bampton Morris Group has taken over as ‘fool’ after Thomas ‘Sonny’ Townsend 94 died this week. Roger says, “Youngsters now sit in front of the telly and play computers, but I think dancing still has its appeal. We just need youngsters to see it.” – I’m with you Roger – If you’re reading this in England; get down your local Morris group now and sign up – I’ll start one here.

John Winston Lennon, yes, the one you all know; well, it turns out his MBE medal he returned to the Queen in 1969 has turned up in a dusty royal vault in St. James’ Palace, along with the letter he wrote, ‘Your Majesty, I am returning my MBE in protest against Britain’s involvement in the Nigeria-Biafra thing, against our support for America in Vietnam and against Cold Turkey slipping down the charts.’ – Which was a song he played on with the Plastic Ono Band. Then he married one.

And if you’d care to know; Prince Charles made the most royal engagements in 2008 hitting 560 dates, knocking his sis Anne off the top who only managed 534 – slacker. The Queen did 417 and Phil the Pill 354, which are the same numbers as Anne but in a different order.

Nicknames like ‘carrot top’, which should be called purple head, ‘four-eyes’ and ‘stinky’ are good for kids and raise their popularity by addressing the issues. Doc Erin Heerey from the University of Bangor North Wales said, “If everybody is smiling there’s no reason to stop it.” – Right on Erin

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.”

A new book called Napoleon’s Haemorrhoids tells us how history could have been different if it weren’t for the old farmers. It mentions Napoleon had an acute attack of piles a couple of days before the Battle of Waterloo and subsequently was unable to sit on his horse to supervise the ‘show’ – ‘A Waterloo, a Waterloo, my kingdom for a Waterloo!’

Then there was the Titanic’s second officer David Blair who was hurriedly removed from the ship after his grapes burst and in his haste he forgot to pass on the key to the cabinet where the binoculars were kept. At the US inquiry the surviving lookout was asked if binoculars would have helped, and would he have seen the iceberg earlier and how much earlier? His reply; “Well, enough to get out of the way.”

And how’s this one; A guard who was pissed off with Hitler back in 1929 stuck a bomb under the podium as the then Chancellor gave a speech, but he had to nip to the kahzi quick and got locked in and could detonate the bomb.

Karl Marx was so riddled by piles his first draft of Das Kapital, an 1867 rant on the principles of communism, was so confusing the Russians didn’t bother translating it from its original German. – Bum deal. And, a couple of years ago the fool ripped the ligaments in his ankle and had a piles at the same time – can’t stand or sit, not funny.

Ok, lastly Romanian woman Mireli Gradinaru 37 had surgeons baffled when she turned up at hospital with a huge can of hairspray stuck up her bottom. Surgeon Mirandolini Proscia said, “This was not just a little can of deodorant, this was a massive can of hairspray. She was very embarrassed. She was clearly in a lot of pain, however it got there.” – ‘Err, I swallowed it!” – Did you get the adverts for Harmony Hairspray – is she or isn’t she?

And in not a dissimilar story boffs have pretty much concluded that black holes came before galaxies. In what has something to do with masses of black holes and the central ‘bulges’ of stars and gas in galaxies, Dr. Chris Carilli of the US National Radio Astronomy Observatory said, “It looks like black holes came first. The evidence is piling up.” – Tell that to Mireli.