Crazy Fool's Newsround - 2nd-8th Feb '07' V.223

2nd-8th Feb '07' V.223
February, 08th 2007 03:51 AM

Quinten Caruthers. Q.C.: Aye, Indeed Me Lord, It was indeed as said, indeed between thee said of thy persons pertaining to the namesake of that of Harold of the, said, ‘Ship Builders Inn' and a said Mr. fool of no fixed acumen, that, and I quote, "The beauty of its fluffy nebulous like toosh was enough inspiration to not just write about, but to actually go about the business of cloud busting and see what lay underneath the heavenly woolly blanket."

Lord Justice: "You mean he's a sheep shagger?"

Quinten Caruthers Q.C.: "Exactly me Lord."

Inspiration...that's all you need to find out. And a little drop of inspiration can go a long way. Why, perhaps it might go there, back and a little bit to the side, who can tell? If you want to go all the way you have to have motivation, innovation and stimulation - for it is there that your revelation will ignite the imagination. And consumed in this inhalation of, well, I suppose its nothing other than fornication, you'll find out why all those shepherds, whilst watching their flocks at night had a twinkle in their eye.

Happy Waitangi Day.

And quickly, while no one is looking...here's the quiz:

1. Where is the Land of the Long White Cloud?

2. What colour is the shade of jonquil?

3. How was Sir Garfield St Aubern Sobers known as a player?

4. What is a sheep-shank?

5. What would you measure on the cephalic index?

6. What does the word "Utopia" mean?

7. What is the only English anagram of ORGANIST?

8. Dragon, dog, chicken, monkey, snake, tiger, pig, sheep and rat. Which three other animals comprise the Chinese calendar?

Last week's quiztesticle answers are on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ under, as usual, Comps & Results - their there, suckling the tuneful bosom of ‘fuck these song lyrics' and ‘Spot the Horrible'.

WHO AM I? Has been going for a while, but until some bastard says their name we're going to stick with it...ok! So here we go, this week's clue: "My name is Asafa Powell."

Is it me?

So onto cf's delightful sponsors of the wise and plentiful; *Pacharan, bodega, bodega - the bocquerones are worth killing someone for! *GTM is supplying the world the best garden and leisure furniture...ever. *Fosters are serving us...beer. *Vasco's so kindly lets us drink it, as too does the low lit heights of the *Blue Gecko. *Bootlace Holidays can take your load off when you've had enough. *SRFC are Nam's finest athletes and *Inkslinger Tattoo's will give you something you'll never forget.

What's on in cf's rag of the year this week? Well, *Digger is counting down the last week of the last names as first names in the AFL!!! And *Trigger's making sure your dosh is on the right hoof. In *Poetry Corner there's one for all you Valentine schmucks. *Grub-up's still marching on the Bizcocho cake. There are some crackers in the *Tit-bits this week. *TiV stays the same - a non-mover, as does *Sport, *Ashes, and *Advertising. *Archives moves up one place, and is there room for *About the author and *cf's top 100? Don't forget the *Fishman cometh soon and where the fuck are those *Bongo Massif Bro's?

While I remember it; for those who want to know, cf and troop are off to the Land of the Long White Cloud for a couple of week's R&R, therefore this ‘newsround' may lay still / dormant / untouched for a fortnight. cf sends his apologies, but the Q.C. calls! But who knows, he might get bail? And be allowed to go off and wrestle the bears - do they have bears there? Anyway, keep your eyes peeled, whatever, there'll be something to goggle at..

But enough of that tosh - get some rugby down your gullet:

And shovel me into a pit of sensationalism and wonder, if Jonny isn't back? I mean really, we've had enough of it already, haven't we? He was more fun when you just heard about he had cancer or something, but now, now he's Jonny fucking H Christ...again!

Argh, but he was good eh. In fact he was better than god...sorry, good. To sidetrack a tad and give you some idea of his dedication in training he, and after a personal ball breaking fitness session with his trainer, he rebounds a football against a wall, with no bounce, off either foot, no less than 400 times - non-stop. His trainer said, "Even pro footballers can't do that after one of my sessions."

There's two world cups left in Jonny yet, and coach Brian Ashton says of him, "His footwork going into the line gives defenders problems. Tie that in with superb distribution, decision making, timing and of course his ability to kick a football and you have a world class player who is actually improving. The prospect is incredibly exciting." - ‘Terribly exciting' would've sounded far more English.

balls

In England's 42-20 win there was a freshness that was bluer than white, and with stars such as Robinson, Tindall, Ellis and Farrell all shining, they had a lot to celebrate but should remember to thank their bulldozing pack, who were solid in every department. Skipper Vickery said, "Of all games, this game is about the team rather than any individuals. Yet Jonny makes it a bit of an exception."

Big Frank Hadden was gracious in defeat and should've been, and no doubt was, proud of players like Callam and Cussiter, but that try, that try - it was pretty obviously not eh - this is what the big man, quite rightly, said, "Credit to England, they played extremely well, but we made them play well." And, "What's the point of having a TMO if they get it so horribly wrong."

Some nerdy stats on Jonny: He averages 19 points a game at Twickenham, 16 per international. The next current player is Dan Carter on 14 per international. Jonny's also one score away from a 5 /6 Nations record of 406 points.

Ok, in Rome we saw France see off a succumbed Italy 39-3. Sebastian Chebal galloped away like a bearded brumbie for two tries to take man of the match and Raphael Ibanez is still a little miffed as to Laporte's experimentations, he said, "It's certainly a new concept. But we have to accept it. If you get picked, you have to deliver, because we all want to play in the World Cup." - Who doesn't? Six changes to their team this week - more beards.

The horse

Over in the land of the leek Wales and Ireland gave us a thriller of a game, and quite easily the pick of the weekend - inclusive of the Super 14's. Ireland bludgeoned home with a three try to nil 19-9 victory in what was a winning slice of favouritisms confidence.

arrgh

Big boss O'Sullivan was the pick of the one-liners when he said, "We never subscribed to the woolly notion that Wales would be an easy meet." - You have to be inspired I suppose! What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff?...A leisure centre.

O'Sullivan goes onto to delight us again, "The Championship is a dogfight. You can win a big game this week, and fall on your face next week,"

He continues with tales from his own book of rugby wisdom, "Things probably went according to plan this weekend in according to who was supposed to win and who did win. But having said there will be a few surprises in this tournament - the team that doesn't believe that will be the victim of one of those surprises." - Quick copy and paste and send to at least 15 people in the next 15 minutes or that victim could be YOU!

Ok, cf's predictions for this weekend - England will put a conservative 30 points on Italy. Scotland will sink by 6 points to Wales and at Croke Park, Ireland will head to the bar with a hard fought 10 points in the bank.

In other rugby news the Super 14's got under way with the best game coming from the Cheetah's 27-9 win over the Stormers. Matt Giteau will play No.10 for the Force against the Stormers this Friday - go the Force. And the Warratah's 18 year-old sensation Kurtly Beale made his debut, helping the Tah's beat the Lions 25-16, but he also had quite an experience, he said, "I've never heard an Aussie get called a sheep-shagger before - I've heard it now. " He said in reference to the crowds taunts. He went on, "I'm pretty surprised by it. I have never played in that kind of atmosphere before. But it was a good experience." - Another who has been inspired? Not now Flossy.

Right, that's it for the rugger buggers...

Now this...cricket, and would you Adam and Eve it?:

Fan or fucker of the English cricket side matters not, because they have actually delivered a worthy game, spectacle and belief in the sport, which we haven't seen for what...7 months.

Obviously, let's not get carried away here, but their 92 run win, with the bonus point over the Aussies last Friday is worth a mention.

The game had its moments, most notably was the bowling of young Liam and the Saj, between them they managed to cement their spots for the World Cup and in doing so made damn sure that Goughie won't be going. Vaughan reiterated that when he commented on England's beach cricket win over the Aussies for the former players - players like; Gooch, Gough, Graeme Hick, Adam Holliake and Robin Smith. When asked about Darren's possible inclusion for the Red Stripe tour Vaughan said, "Goughie's bowling well in beach cricket and looks to have a nice tan." - cf thinks that might mean, ‘see ya.'

Who ate all the pies?

Sporting moment of Friday's game was when Mal Loye top edged a Glenn ‘go for' and it smacked him in the face, resulting in three stitches to the chin. A spokesman said, "Mal was leaving to go to the hospital for an x-ray. Some supporters verbally abused him and he responded by asking them to be quiet." - I don't like cricket...I love it...

We saw another cracker on Sunday between the Aussies and the Black Caps. The Caps eventually went down by 5 wickets. But it was Tuesday's, Waitangi Day, game that had the Benaud's, Taylor's and Nicholas' on the edge of their seats. England snuck home in that one with help from a Colly 106, fierce bowling by the Freddie and that man Plunkett came good again after a shaky start. Flemming didn't want to give up in the Black corner and carefully pointed his scorecard in the 106 direction too. But in the end it wasn't enough, England by 14 runs. England meet Australia in the first final in Melbourne on Friday.

Right, lets see...ah yes, Ponting won everything in the Allan Border Medal thingy-ma-jig, from best batsmen to producing the finest log. He spoke to...someone after and summed up the Ashes win / loss. And unsurprisingly put England's woes down to the very start when Read and Monty weren't picked. How many times do we have to say Fletcher was a twonk when it came to those decisions?

This hats a bit baggy

Anyway, the Punts had this to say, "A lot has been made of how poor England have been, but I think it needs saying that we played exceptional cricket. We have a lot of respect for the England team They are ranked No.2 in the world and you don't get there without having played good Test cricket for a long time."

He then goes on to explain the whitewash, how that they knew they had won after that first delivery from Harmy - yeah you Harmy, you listening, you lost the frickin Ashes man!

Hmmm Betty

Err, back to the Punts, "The First ball from Harmison and the last day at Adelaide (When England were bowled out by Shane Warne after looking certain to score a draw) were the most significant moments of the series. Turning around the second Test was remarkable. When the time came, the Australian team stood up." - Harmy, you cunt!

No Harmy

Lastly on the leather and willow story for this week is that 38 year-old Tim Nielsen, the current boss of the Australian School of Excellence, will take over from John ‘bootcamp' Buccanan after the World Cup. - Go Timmy!

Other sporting curls:

Ok, gota bit o' boxing for yer this week: 29 year-old Floyd ‘tosser' Mayweather Junior, who is rated the worlds best pound-for-pound boxer is getting in the ring with Oscar De La Hoya in May - more like wants to get in his ring the up-hill gardener.

Got Ya

It's billed as the richest purse for a fight - outside of the heavies. Why does cf think Floyd's a tosser? Here's why: Floyd - "Hatton (Ricky) aint nothing but a fat man and I'm gonna punch him in his beer belly. When I retire I'll have Hatton wash my clothes, cut my lawn and buckle my shoes (Presumably never learnt to tie laces)." - Yeah you guessed it, after all the talk of he's not going to fight Hatton, it looks like he will!

Hatton fights Luis Castillo in Vegas on 23^rd June and the barmy spring Mayweather said rather astutely, "I'm retiring in America, that don't mean I'm retiring in the UK." - Thank you Floyd.

Sugar Ray ‘Legend' Leonard says reality boxer Peter Manfredo has a chance against Joe Calzaghe on 7^th April in Cardiff, in fact this is what he said, "Can he win the fight? Yes. Will it be easy? No. He's fighting Joe Calzaghe, but he knows this is the chance of his life." - He's next appearing on the Billy Idol reality show where you get to call everyone you know and don't a wanker. Well it's a nice day for a white wedding.

Billy Idol?

Yank twosome George Gillett and Tom Hicks have bought Scouse's finest - Liverpool (Waits for bricks with Everton engraved on them to come hurling through the window) Football Club for £470m - another sad day for British football, at least West Ham were bought by an Icelander - Ya ve are Vikings now.

You do the sums

Rooney a.k.a. Shrek has been voted sports most ugliest star...again.

And, I suppose this is to do with sport; Faria Alam, remember her - shagging one lump Sven Gonad Erikson, ex Football Association PA - she's a high class whore now no less! I won't use her picture here, she's too ugly. Anyway, she made no bones about it when talking to an undercover reporter and was all up for charging £8k for 3 hours of kinky sex - 8 frickin k! She was reported to have said that, ‘all women want to be hookers.' Apparently she's quite upset about her family finding out.

Faria

Other bits:

Only a couple for you this week, but that's ok, because there's heaps more to read in this, voted as No.1 cfn rag on the planet, in this week's edition of cfn. So here goes: The world's heaviest book weighs in at a Faria Alam-knicker-dropping figure of 88lbs. It's called The Opius and is a 41 year collection of stories on or about the Super Bowl. It's leather bound in a silk covered box, is 20x20" has 850 pages and the first 400 of a limited 20,000 copies are signed by an MVP and go for $40k a copy. There after they're $4k a copy - shit, put me down for two!

Big books big books

Ok, lastly, I'm going to give you a brief run down of a story you've bound to have heard this week, but see what kind of picture you paint; Its about the US Navy Captain Lisa Nowak, 43, who is a robotics specialist, and was on the Shuttle last July, which took her to the International Space Station - in Space. Anyway, she's been involved in some kind of love triangle, with another space hopper, which is irrelevant. She drove 900 miles to confront her love rival and wore a nappy so she didn't have to stop for a piss, so intent on meeting, her love rival. Here's a list of charges and evidence against her, and your chance to fill the gaps: Kidnap, attempted murder, attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery, love rival, steel mallet, 4inch folding knife, pepper spray, rubber tubing, $600, garbage bags, BB-gun cartridges, latex gloves, wig, and rifle. - Those astronauts have all the fun eh.