Crazy Fool's Newsround - 2nd - 8th December 2011 volume 461

2nd - 8th December 2011 volume 461
December, 07th 2011 21:06 PM

“You need coolin’, baby, I’m not foolin’

I’m gonna send ya back to schoolin’”

(Led Zeppelin)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

That Was the Week… What a Week! - Saturday’s 1p.m. 92.75fm and around the globe on www.radioindochine.com

Also podcasted later on fool’s very own radio: http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 8.12.11

For elements of 1 Air Control Centre; Royal Air Force – tally ho

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

www.saigonsoundsystem.com

Back to basics

The world’s first sex school has opened in Austria where students make love as part of the course.

On hand tuition is available at the Austrian Institution School of Sex (AISOS) where studies will cover the theatrical and practical art of love making.

Students will learn how to caress their loved ones, whilst becoming experts in positions, technique and anatomy.

Swiss Headmistress Ylva Marie Thompson confirmed things will naturally go bump in the night, as mixed dorms are provided in the Vienna based college; ‘Yes, they have sex, of course they do.’ She said, although, ‘It is not mandatory, but we suggest the students practise as much as possible.’

Meanwhile Dominique Strauss-Khan, the ex IMF boss has admitted he went to sex parties all over the world, ‘I did go to sex parties, it is true, but usually those who came to those events were not prostitutes. I have a horror of prostitutes and pimping.’

Gerard Depardieu will play Dominique in a new film and says he can’t wait to start shooting.

Shooting practise

A couple in Poland were caught on CCTV having sex at the top of a water chute in an amusement park in Opuczo.

A lifeguard said, ‘They were at it for a good five minutes before anyone realised what was going on.’

Without time to change they were frog-marched out of the park. The manager said, ‘This a family pool and water park and we want everyone to have fun, but not that sort of fun.’

Meanwhile, shooting in a different direction are members of Scottsdale’s Gun Club in Arizona, where clients can have their pictures taken with Santa whilst wielding pistols, grenade launchers and even a £50,000 machine gun.

‘Our customers have been looking for a fun and safe way to express their holiday spirit and what other way than with fire arms.’ - Said General Manager, Ron Kennedy, who concluded, ‘it’s more a celebration of our second amendment rights.’

Ron went on to reminisce about last year’s accident where the building’s haunting will always envelope the spirit of Christmas following young Billy Ray the over zealous photographer who mixed up the shoot and wiped out an entire family in one sitting.

Season’s sizzles

A certain Mr Mark Osetreicher has been collecting alternative pictures of Nativity scenes for his website for 5 years now, ranging from anything from cats, dogs and human hair to tins of spam, but probably his best find is the scene made from bacon.

A Christian himself, Mark says, ‘I’ve had a few displeasing comments about how the blog post displeases God’, but points out, ‘this is the same God that created laughter.’

However, if bacon isn’t enough to remind you of our Lord then why not preserve an image of Jesus on your toast? You can use the Jesus Toaster and coming soon the toasty machine; Grilled Cheesus.

(sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Looped, tied and taped forever in the etchings of modern civility lies the kingpin that acts pivot to celebration far and beyond the call of the nature to complete understanding, but caters for a shared holler to cease animosities, thus paving the way for an analgesic smouldering of goodwill and merriment that generally forms its variable fold in a state of exotic connotations who limber the soul to a merry tune of crispy, fried, back, shoulder and in this festive season huddled round a sausage to give that Christmas dinner its piece de resistance – yes, of course it’s bacon, the majestic bringer of inner peace and tranquillity that soothes the palate and makes the heart sing. Pigs in a blanket maybe a comparable form of a pig wrapped in a pig, but their delivery is so far from just a mere piece of pig on pig and is to all sense and purposes a speciality that’ll only rears its succulent head during this festive season, which is why Jona Louie would be seen hanging around kitchen’s at parties, because he was looking for that savoury morsel in the fridge whilst everyone was slapping back the eggnog and wondering, like The Cars, Who’s Gonna Drive You Home Tonight, and as the party dwindles, the tree’s broken and Slade have stuffed their fat faces on turkey, ACDC are still banging their Hell’s Bells to a different tune of another ‘roo and raw prawn on the Barbie, but know in their hearts, they’re coming off like a pork chop, because it’s not the kingpin they’ve been yearning all year for and thus rewind their tapes to the notion that no-one is going to live forever and the cards you pull in life are only dealt by chance therefore, making acceptance the first step the way forward, which is of course riding on the baseline of knowledge, knowing that you win some and you lose some, as Lemmy explained to me in Juice café in Saigon this week, whilst ordering some eggs in a clay pot and a side plate of pigs in blankets; ‘those little crispy succulent critters’ as he refers to them and as he brings over the bowl mentions how that gig he did in the Young Ones house was supposed to be recorded at Phuket’s Legend studio, but it wasn’t there then, so forwarding his and Acca Dacca’s tape vowed there would be their next location to spring a tune; ‘that’s you, me, Acca dacca, a clay pot and pigs in a blanket, in Legend, what’d’yer say?’ I paused, dreaming of how well eggs in a clay pot and the pigs would go so well together, then suddenly yelled, ‘That’s the kismet, the karma, the kingpin my friend, that’s the Ace of Spades, and yes, yes, yes, Mr L you shall have the Ace Of Spades as your Get it Off Your Chest Request, whilst in the meantime we all beat up the hippy from the Young Ones… hussar!…

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website and radio!)

What they’ve recently said: ‘

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Forget this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.’

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

Next event to be posted ASAP…

www.highstylecondominium.com

fool’s gold; now available on his radio show - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php and 92.75fm - www.radioindochine.com

Animal news

*An un-named 46 year-old American was shot by his dog this week whilst out duck shooting at Great Salt Lake, Utah. He stood in his boat, which startled the dog who trod on the shotgun and 27 pellets were fired into his rear. Luckily the waders he was wearing prevented any serious injury.

*The world’s biggest insect is a cricket type critter that weighs 71 grams, with a wing span of seven inches. It is only found in Little Barrier Island off New Zealand and is big enough to eat carrots.

*British school boy Tom Cowley from Northampton was reunited with his pet chicken after someone spotted on Twitter in the US. Catherine Inglis, founder of Petslocated.com spotted Emma Maloret’s posting who said she found it on her Tiny Horizons Nursery, which is just across the road from Tom’s house, although an extremely busy road. Tom said, relieved, ‘How she crossed such a busy road and survived I’ll never know.’

*Boffs from the Sakha Republic Mammoth Museum and Kinki University in Siberia have transplanted nuclei bone marrow (DNA), from the well preserved thigh bone of a woolly mammoth into elephant egg cells and expect to reproduce a Jurassic park reality.

*Ron Piccarillo is 37 and can see the heads of a lion, an ape and a buffalo in Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa painting. He was looking for them after following clues of their whereabouts after reading Da Vinci’s journals. He also says if you turn it sideways you can make out a crocodile or a snake coming out the left-hand side of her body. See, you’ve just got to look.

*To find out more of fool’s animal news, catch his radio show this Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm (Phuket) and around the world on www.radioindochine.com – podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk (http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php)

Number crunching

*A Superman comic, once believed to have belonged to Nicholas Cage, who incidentally looks like my mate Steve, has sold for 1.4m. The 10 cents 1938 edition was one of only 97 left in known existence and if it was Nicholas’ then it was stolen in 2000, then bought back for an undisclosed sum and sold again by Nicholas, who has hit financial troubles following his dodgy business partners’ antics, which have led him to sell several homes, which include a castle in Bavaria!

*Longest Christmas log (cake)? – 1,068 metres (3,504 ft). The vanilla flavoured bitter chocolate log was made by Pudong Shangri-la Hotel in China and contained 904 organic eggs, 1045kg flour, 209kg sugar, 401 kg bitter chocolate and 34kg Tahiti Ian vanilla. It outstrips the previous record held by the French which was a mere 207metres.

*Sven Gronemeyer of La Tribe University in Australia says the Mayans prediction of the world’s end in 2012 is not the world’s end but the dawning of a new era, so don’t panic.

*A painting by Rolf Harris was estimated at 50,000. Cathy Simms was given it by her dad 35 years ago, which then cost him 500. The Antiques Roadshow billed Rolf as a young ‘Old Master’. The painting’s of Bonnie Tylor who looks like Rod Stewart, but Cathy says she’ll have to sell it because she can’t afford the insurance.

*Derek Parker’s Christmas tree is 74 years old. His mum bought the three ft tree when Derek was three months old. He still uses it, with the original Angel and five baubles.

*Men think of sex 19 times a day compared to women at 18.6, according to Ohio State University who studied 238 students. Not all were sex mad and this was the average because some men were thinking it 338 times, with the highest women’s rating at 144. The sleep statistic was 11 for men and 8.5 for women.

*Some of the bones in the London Dungeon are real, which means they have to pay a license fee of 2000 a year. One set, nick-named Kate Moss has been there since 1975, another named Twiggy more recent. I’m not sure how they got there but I do know they have a nice Grotto feature this jolly season featuring The Prince of Darkness and the off-key chorus from some Carol sinners and elves impaled on spikes… which is nice.

More numbers to crunch, cheese to discuss and fool’s gold, tales from the dark side and lots, lots more on; fool’s radio show – That Was the Week… What a Week - Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm in Phuket and worldwide on www.radioindochine.com - Saturday’s 1p.m. straight after Big Dan’s Sports Centre show. (Podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php) – download it as an MP3 and climb up on the roof to get away from it all.

I’m off – come on Brutus

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

Just cf it