‘Confucius say many thing my chum, mostly as I recall about bums and smelly fingers, but nonetheless folk may need to be wise and take heed of the ‘oh sound one' but should also as not be alienated from his discerningly obtuse and yet infinitely wismatic brain-fusious speaking tin openening of our eternal longing...you follow?' "No" - As so went the conversation between an L.A.X airport janitor and cf back in 1990.

confused?

As to the matter of the why, the what, the who, the where, the when, let alone the how, it's a mixed up muddle of a topsy-turvy swish of a fruit and nut bowl we take refuge in. Apart from all the crap cf blurts out every week, folk actually believe in what they say, even more outstanding is their cluster and stretch of words and sentences in order to make perspicacious their rather hayward point of pointless interfraction. I think he (L.A.X. floor cleaner) said that as-well! That's not too yank the big cousins way out west again, but merely to stress the point of how simple life really is and not at all the controlled dumbfounded-ness and woolly over-the-top-ness of self important fatheads.

‘Oh, take me once more to the sweet meadows of green and kif, where I shall lay my head in thee bosom of fire, and suck, and suck...thy campaigner of reefer in-mind, where have all my marbles gone?'

Bring on the quiz...quick, he's going under again.    So here folks, yes it is...

1. Who sang the original All Along The Watch Tower?

2. Bobby Fischer became a world champion in which game?

3. What is 1/3 as a percentage to two decimal places?

4. How is the actor Michael Shalhoub better known?

5. In which leisure pursuit might you do a Turkey Trot or a Bunny Hug?

6. Which is darker mahogany or ash?

7. Is pine a soft or hard wood?

8. Excluding the UK which three countries declared war on Germany in 1939?

Answers on a postcard to; http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ Will there be a new spot the ball this week? I don't know, let's take a look...oh darn...nurse...nurse...I've done it again, could you...ooh, there it goes again...nurse...

WHO AM I? ‘He's my master; he sits on my back all day and rides me.'

Is it me?

Last week; what a bombastic -dacious bonanza of a day...eh! Saigon's AFL Grand Final was another vintage affair of thunderous joviality, tickled pink jocundity and a deep down cock-a-hoop resonate success. cf, on behalf of the thronged and twisted mentalists would like to thank the committee and alcohol for yet another top of the tree day in sunny Saigon. I hope your post AFL GF days are littered with as much hooched debris spasms as mine.

In cf's newsround this week on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ is *Digger and his post season reckoning, with a little bit more. *Trigger's gonna give ya, which in no other terms, is a monetary forecast, if you'd care to take a look. There's archives, there's tit-bits, there's poetry, there's *TIV, there's more, there really is more. And where's those bastard *Bongo Massif Bro's? They promised me a gig eons ago...

Hey there, Juice, GTM, Foster's, Vasco's, Blue Gecko and Bootlace - all good stuff. K. Pietersen's bat is sponsored by Woodworm, before the last Ashes series 15000 people in Britain owned one, In the 7 weeks after the Ashes 20,000 were sold! Pay to advertise?

Foster's at their best

On the rugby paddock pay is another topic that's grabbed the headlines recently, that and the ever growing debate of ‘too many games'. It's all a game, once you turn pro it does all become a game - know anyone on the game?

For example most British Clubs have players that no longer train but only recover during the week from minor injuries to be fit enough to play again come the weekend. The new EDF Cup, between English and Welsh Clubs potentially takes up 5 games, including the final, but also has a carrot of £600k plus a passage to the more lucrative Heineken Cup. Stay with me, stay with me...

Let's get back to the dirty wonga; a prop is worth more than a fy half! Ex 1970's English prop Mike Burton's been doing some sums he said, "There is no doubt a tight head prop is more valuable than any other player because there is fewer of them of the right quality." He continues, "A prop of the right credentials starts at £150k ($280k) going up to £250k ($470k).

Charlie Hodgson is worth £160k. Kiwi Kees Meuws just pocketed £200k in his move to the Agen Club in France - he's 32 years old! In England they've started what is called a ‘Prop Idol' where coaching skills are dedicated to the 13-14 year olds in front row play. They're moulding scrummagers who can play at No.10.

Andy Farrell's on a £750k deal over 3 years at Sarries, which is partly funded by the RFU. And Martin Corry's really pissed off at recent remarks that the players only play to a cash incentive. To win the ‘03' World Cup players got £30k each, if they retain the Cup their bootie goes up to £50k (see more of Beyonce's bootie later).

Lomu doesn't have to worry about that anymore though because his dream's over. In a rather dreary Hollywood-ish quote after not receiving a Super 14 contract he said, "It's been a failure in the sense that I didn't make the All Black's but I certainly didn't fail myself. I dared to dream. Who can criticize me for that? If I had it all again I wouldn't do anything differently." - Yeah, yeah, alright mate, we get the picture.

Enough cash talk, in the real rugby world John Connolly's happy to have old guns, Cannon, Lyons and Turinui back in the his European squad, he says of his mixture of young and old tourists, "It's important that we continue to broaden the squad in the lead up to the World Cup, but we are going (on tour) with the expectations to win all four Tests." - Beware of the Scots.

Yes, that's right; the Scots have 11 games in as many months till the World Cup, and as big Frank Hadden said of their recent training sessions, "It's been an excellent couple of days." - Beware the Scots.

On the cricket front, there isn't much this week, but this; Darren Gough isn't giving in yet, and has his eye on Oz for the Ashes ODI's, he says, "I'm still available and I'm getting fit so hopefully there will be a nice trip to Australia in the new year." - Yes it would be lovely; take some cream to protect yourself against those harmful rays.

Right, the rough stuff; US mag, In Touch has voted the top bots of the years as follows No1. Beyonce Knowles 2. Jessica Simpson (no relation to Marge) and 3. Salma Hayek -Just open you mouth and say arrrrrrrse.

Beyonce?

Half of Britain's would most love to hang upon Paris Hilton. Second would be Vic Beckham on 38%. Most would love a chat on the dog with Tony Blair, Jamie Oliver and Ricky Gervais. And over 60% talk to God on the great white telephone after an exceptional night on the piss.

enough to call God?

Gay boy Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou Michael's been at it again; third time he's been found slumped at the wheel whilst smacked on the devil's brew. Singer, and I guess it's a rival, Toby Bourke said, "Drugs have turned him into a stoned waster." - That really is a saucer of milk for table 12.

George?

51 Christine Makin's been kicked out of her local darts league for formerly being a bloke called Clive! 17 out of 25 teams protested. Christine, formerly known as Clive said, "I'm a bit surprised. It's not the 1920's or the 1930's, it's 2006. It's unfair, I can't play for a men's team, I haven't got the equipment. I'm a fully fledged female. I play in the women's pool league and there's no problem." - Life's a bitch eh then you turn into one!

I'll show them

Hang on a minute...what's going on? Gina le Faux (pas no doubt)...otherwise known as George used to be a bloke too. She also recently won the All England Ladies Fly Fishing Championship in 2005! - What's going on in the world?

he/she

Let's get back to the real world; 83 year old Bill Fossey is MacDonald's oldest worker. He works on the M3 branch in Hertford, England, and as he says, "You can't be working in your garden for 365 days of the year. It breaks up the monotony of life - I enjoy it." Well of course, who wouldn't want to work with a bunch of spotty adolescent puboids?

we have such fun ay work

Another, 88 year old this time, was chased by a bull and hid in a bush all night.what the ...is going on? This old Granddad was on the coastal path near Wembury, Devon, England when a bull took a fancy to him. He scarpered and managed to hide. He then called the police on his mobile to rescue him. They followed his directions but gave up looking for him at 3.a.m. When they went back at day break a spokesman said, "He is cold and wet and has been taken to hospital. Considering he is 88 and it was pretty cold last night he is remarkably well." - Eh see, they don't make em like they used to eh.

Neil Armstrong apparently did say the ‘a' in his speech about ‘a small step for ‘a' man etc...' when he landed on the moon. Computer analyst Peter Ford has spent years studying the NASA tapes and has concluded that the word ‘a' was indeed said, as said by Neil. All that money to prove an old kantaceras git right - I mean who even believes they went to the bloody thing? Capricorn 1 that what cf says, Capricorn 1.

Things that folk didn't are: Michael Caine I Alfie, "not a lot of people know that' He actually said, "Not many people know this." And he difinitely never said, "Don't throw them bloody spears at me" ether in Zulu.  - Holmes never said, "Elementary my dear Watson." It was in fact a film review from the New York Times in 1929. - Marie Antoinette never said, "Let them eat cake." She said, "Let them eat bread." - My arse did Humphrey say, "Play it again Sam.' -  James Cagney didn't go anywhere near saying ‘You dirty rat. -  "Kiss me Hardy" was too good to be true, it was in fact ‘Kismet', which is Turkish for fate - were they fighting the Turks at Trafalgar? And lastly Tarzan never said, "Me Tarzan, you Jane." That was in fact cf.

who said that?

On that slippery note to dumbfoundedment I'll bid thee tutty-bye till next time.

cf