29th Oct - 4th Nov 2010 volume 404
November, 03rd 2010 20:34 PM

“Hallelujah, hallelujah, we’re here to pull ya

Back in to do it all the same”

(Happy Mondays)

 

 

 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

 

 

 

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 4.11.10                                           

For 10th Signal Regiment

 

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

 

 

 

Mates

An Australian man who was talked into having a tattoo inked on his back by a friend and ended up with a 40cm penis is now filing for assault charges.

 

The lad wasn’t keen for the tat in the first place but finally succumbed to persuasion and opted for, ‘a yin and yang symbol with a blue dragon’, according to detective Constable Paul Malcolm.

 

The unnamed ‘victim’ was told to keep the design covered up for a couple of weeks and when he eventually revealed his new artwork to his flatmate she sighed, “I don’t think it was the tattoo you were after.”

 

He’s now looking for $60,000AUS to remove the symbol, which was also underscored with a miss-spelt sentence referring to him being gay – happy days – you can’t get ‘em back!

 

Clean your pipes maam?

Hard up students in the Czech Republic have opened a nude cleaning agency.

 

For £150 an hour, ‘clients’ can choose from a mixed work force of 15 men and women who will then buff the house in either underwear, topless or turn out full frontal.

 

Economics student Katka Kopecka said, “We wanted to find work and couldn’t find it. Quite a percentage of ‘clients’ are busy business people who want to relax while someone cleans their house in underwear. It’s a nice way for them to relax. But it’s not a prostitution service, it’s a cleaning service.”

 

Where’s the soap…does doesn’t it.

 

 

Are there any prostitutes here today?

It seems the Czech Republic has a fair amount of misunderstandings, as Jana Kaderavkova found out after she was stripped of her Miss Beer beauty title for being a prostitute.

 

Jana explained she works in Italy a lot after judges commented on her excellent language skills, “I work there as a stripper, pose for soft porn magazines and I’m an erotic weather girl on TV.’ She beamed proudly.

 

Organiser Petr Simacek hastily made up a ruling suggesting, “It was very delicate because our rules specifically ban entries from anyone who does any kind of erotic work.”

 

Jana blasted, “It’s bloody stupid. They should have asked me that from the beginning, not while they were crowning me.”

 

Name? Jana

Do you like beer? Yes

Are you a slag…!

 

A beer jug two far

 

Keep the veil on

Meanwhile Britain’s first dating agency for ugly people has spawned its first marriage.

 

The Ugly Bug Ball website saw Tom Clifford and Janice Walker tie the knot. Tom thanked the web for bringing them together and declared his credentials, “I’ve got a face that makes children cry.”

 

Fact: The web is a 100 billion business in the UK alone

 

Oi oi broccoloi, two bob a pheasant…

A new super strain of broccoli has been developed by Brit boffs which contains twice the levels of nutrients than the common green bush and most pharmaceutical products.

 

If you’d like road kill with that then you can enrol at Bournemouth University where a course has been established following years of lectures in the forensic archaeology department where pheasant, rabbit and deer carcasses are regularly analysed to determine butchering techniques throughout history – it then all goes on the bbq.

 

Just a hedgehog sandwich please

 

 

(Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Favourite sketch in Not the Nine O’clock News: Rowan Atkinson playing the drums in a railway carriage to the rhythm of the bogies on the track – but not showing that, ‘cos here’s a bit of road kill…’

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said:

‘Would you like fries with that?’ – Bournemouth University canteen

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name. It’s P something T something R’

 

 

The Boat Lagoon Marina, Phuket

Everyday Happy Hour – Indian and Western food, music, sport,

Sunday BBQ by the pool – 300bht – all you can eat – kids under 12 150bht – under 6 eat free!

 

 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Animal news

 

* Food and drinks manager Jan-Friederick Bredenhand 30 found himself on the lions menu at Addo and Croc Ranch, Port Elizabeth, South Africa. After a boozy night he climbed a pole then ten minutes later was missing his guts and both legs.

 

*Meanwhile hungry bears in Vezhmya, Tehova, Russia have taken to digging up corpses in the graveyard, as the harsh summer denied them enough berries. Why the dead are hording berries I don’t know.

 

*A farmer has been arrested on suspicion of murder after serial animal ‘whisperer’ Jose Gomez Pinto 55 was found in lingerie’s, a pair of slippers and his throat slashed with a razor following rogering Jaime Pires 68 favourite donkey Russo. The Mayor of sleepy Proenca – Velha, Portugal said the notorious chicken buggerer’s death was regrettable, as he only tampered with animals.

 

*World’s oldest dog – 25 – that’s 178 in human years. He’s a sheepdog-Alsatian called Sheeba.

 

*Meanwhile Fluffy, the world’s longest snake at 24ft has died in Columbus Zoo and Aquarium aged 18.

 

 

Number crunching

 

*James Bond’s Austin Martin DB5 he made famous in Goldfinger sold for £2.6 million in the US

*Astronauts bound for Mars are on a one-way ticket. NASA say the 6-9 month voyage is too costly to bring them back where their task is to set up a burger joint. All should take place by 2030

*The world’s largest wine glass was unveiled at Beirut’s Hippodrome this week measuring 94.48 inches tall and a diameter of 65 inches. It can hold 100 bottles of Leb wine.

*John Davis from Northumbria has built an £18,000 Boeing 747 flight simulator in his spare bedroom and will spend the next 7 days taking 8 crew round the world.

* And Domino’s are celebrating 25 years in the business by offering a job to anyone with no education or experience at 19,400 an hour. Japanese financial analysts say it’s too little considering the potential advertising impact.

That’ll do Pig

Keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s – this week for sure!

 

 

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz
 
 
 

 

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