Crazy Fool's Newsround - 29th June - 5th July 07 Volume 240

29th June - 5th July 07 Volume 240
July, 05th 2007 14:15 PM

productions presents

The Scene: It's 2027 and fool is in the future, he's in the middle of asking Dr Who if the word perpendicular is necessary in the equation. Through no indecision other than running out of black jelly babies he is suddenly requisitioned to go back to July 2007 for a summer holiday in the UK and get some more.

Customs Officer: Anything to declare?

fool: A severe lack of black jelly babies, and a missing suitcase. What's new here? (He asks, making small chat)

Customs Officer: I'm not usually at liberty to fraternise with common folk in the green line but it's been a funny old couple of days; first of all a couple of Doctors ram raided Glasgow airport trying to blow it up, then we blew up an un-manned suitcase here in Heathrow, as everything was on red alert - you know how it is. Then it snowed in South East London, in July! A funny old couple of days really. (He replied making small chat)

fool: Hmmm interesting, but do you know where I can get some black jelly babies? The Doctor will go furious if I don't bring some back for him.

Customs Officer: Doctor, missing suitcase...? Black jelly babies?! Would you mind just following me sir.

fool: Excellent, excellent, of course, lead on.

Ten years later, back in 2027...

fool: Doctor, some bad news I'm afraid, they had no black jelly babies, but I finally got acquitted from a 25 year jail sentence on account of terrorism.

Doctor: Jelly babies...terrorism...Doctor...who?

fool: Yes, exactly sir, err sorry, Doctor...Doctor Who

Doctor: Who?

fool: Yes Doctor, you Doctor.

Customs Officer: Is it my turn?

Narrator: No idea.

fool: Not now, get off.

Doctor: Jelly babies?

fool: No sir, sorry...Doctor...Doctor Who; I didn't get them.

Doctor: Doctor who? And didn't get what?

fool: You Doctor, you're a Doctor, Doctor Who in fact. And I didn't get the jelly babies.

Doctor: Argh with you now, but not any more am I the Doctor. Ten years ago I ran away with Kylie Mynogue who appeared in a Christmas special.

fool: Rats, so where does that leave me?

Customs Officer: Anything to declare sir?

Narrator: Keep it on foolscap fool, one page minimum. Give it some kind of theme and it definitely has to have a punch line, what did I say fool, what did I say?

fool: We could do it in smaller font

Narrator: And the jelly babies?

fool: I couldn't get them...

Quickly, quickly, he's coming, role out the quiz:

1. What cavorting couple appeared in the Vietnam War flick Coming Home?

2. On What day did Solomon Grundy die?

3. According to the proverb, who clutches at straws?

4. Who is the patron saint of mountaineers?

5. Which stone is used in snooker tables?

6. What is the national flower of Spain?

7. What type of fruit is a jargonelle?

8. What are the first three words in the bible?

Last weeks answers under *Comps & results.

No-one got the Who Am I? So here's clue No.2 ‘I used to be No.1, now I'm No2, and No.1 didn't even play and I'm out.'

is it me?

Confused? Good. Settle down with these:

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Every Sunday get as much Sangria and paella down your gullet for only 195,000vnd - in every currency that's a steal - don't make me come and find you - I found myself once...it was scary!

GTM: Garden & Leisure furniture built and shipped to your requirements. gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn - You design, they design, it's all a good show. Give them a call.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: July's meat tray is out now - I want those kidneys dude.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - you'll love it. I do.

Al Frescos: Double your pizzas but only pay for one - every Tuesday - just nuts! Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant opening too - is it nearer to you?

Seriously, anyone bought that pool table from the *classifieds yet?

555555555555555555

Ok, in this weeks cfn is *Digger and his thoughts on the AFL for the week and *Trigger will give you all the run down on your necessary tips for the Aussie gee gee's this week.

*Tit-bits is a goodun this week and would you Adam and Eve it...*Poetry corner is back and freshly themed this week, and doubly Adam & Eve it*Fishman's up with volume 2 - all you need to know what's in the know on Phu Quoc island - darned informative *Fishman - good show. Plus *Bongo Massif Bro's, soon, you will be mine, oh yes, you will be mine.

In the meantime, Mr. Meena wrote back and told the fool he's going to hunt him down and kapok him for calling him a weird little freak.

fool says, ‘bring it on you jungle nut.'

But now it's time for a word from the rangoonbly field: (viewer's discretion is advised)

And what a turn up for the bookies last weekend!

To some of the ‘I told you so's' it was a foregone conclusion, but to most, the evidence of an Australian win over the All Blacks, 20-15, wasn't all so apparent. And I certainly do not want to take any springs out of the Wallabies steps, but what were the All Blacks on?

Let's kick-start with the game as a whole, and in truth it was a game of no substance, no continuity and about as much form as the Hanson Brothers in a game of slapstick ice hockey - all slap and no stick.

Believe it or not, the ref wasn't all to blame although he did make some schoolboy gaffs. But it was more so the inconsistency of forward cohesion on both sides - the lack of stick, - and a couple of back lines that were about as creative as Salvador Dali's melted time.

Richie McCaw did pin-point some indescrepencies of his team after they failed to do absolutely anything apart from bugger all in the second half; "We let them off the hook a bit, they got a sniff and a Test match like that with a couple of mistakes, some points and they were right back in the game." - Not arf mate.

There were the inevitable and redoubtable quirks of play by old hefty's such as, the said McCaw, although he did couple his quirks with some uncharacteristic schoolboy flaws.

But then others did shine in a wayward, ill game-planned match, void of Test respectful standards, void of continued bouldering penetration, void of phase with intent, void of putting the wind up any other opposition; But shine some players did, such as George Gregan - one half only, George Smith and Phil Waugh, still one of the best double acts if not on shared halves these days. And the Rodney fella from the All Blacks back row was on the same juice as Richie - when it wore off so did he.

But luckily a young fella on Australians left wing showed he's nearly worthy of a double-barrelled surname bar the fact that ten seconds of brilliance is not enough for a legend. That, the legend, accolade goes to The legend - Stirling Mortlock - he is enough to set any game alight - like a Doctor in thundering 4x4 at a Glaswegian airport!

Mortlock bundles his way through the middle and the slightest of gaps with such conviction that it was probably a good thing he was probably concussed in last weeks game! As he said when he turned down a kicking duty early on; "I was a bit fuzzy and wasn't confident about having to focus on kicking." - That's how he sees the gaps.

He summed up his own performance and that of the team's, after a horrible first half performance, with words like ‘character' and "The grit, the determination and the belief have been outstanding."

Wayne Smith, the All Black's' backs coach said the win was pretty much tantamount to his (Mortlock's) own solo performance as much as the whole team's; "To me, Mortlock typified the Australian performance. He ran really hard, he chased hard and they were up for it big time. Stirling made some critical line breaks."

‘Eyebrows' Henry was the collective, and understandably, Kiwi's response to losing - ‘We learnt a lot'. He said then continued, "We've been saying all along that the Australians are a pretty good rugby side, the Australians would understand that, maybe the New Zealanders still find that hard to handle, but they deserved to win."

And deserve to win they did. It may have taken them 6 Tests against the All Blacks to do so, but as Mortlock said to his team in a huddle after the game, "Settle down". In other words, ‘don't get above your station.'

Exactly, let's not get all South African about them - you can only have two teams in a final!

On to this weekend and, Jake White expressed his motives for leaving 21 top Boks at home, hinting he still has confidence in, what would now be a shock win for the Boks in Sydney this Saturday, "You know you just can't turn up and expect to win games. At this level (international) there's such a small margin for error." - All three Tri-nations games so far have been settled in the last ten minutes! - Did you know that?

Skinstad, who's no slouch, reiterated his mindset, and responded to that of the Aussie press barracking, "It's not as if we need extra motivation, but it certainly helps. There are 28 players in this group and (as the Boks coach said) there are about ten places available in the World Cup squad. No doubt the players will be playing out of their skins." - Stad!

Mark Gerrard gets a game ahead of Lote this week who has a two match ban for being caught pissed behind the wheel - idiot.

And if beating the Boks wasn't just one incentive, to do it on two major players' farewell games in Aus should be; Gregan and Larkham play their last home Tests. Gregan's on 132 and Larkham will make his 100^th - Campese the only other centurion made 101.

Knuckles said of his ‘boys', "We've just been so blessed in this country to have such incredibly consistent players playing in two of our key positions over the past 12 or so years." - Incredible...no, I mean it!

Ok, let's move on to some other tit-bit stuff; and England's SBS training is well, so well they've recruited The Royal Marines PTI fitness instructor Dave Sylvester up until and through the World Cup - That's how you get press-ganged!

Ashton emphasised the necessity for more than one cook; "If you go on the field with one leader, you are not going to get very far. You need leaders all over the place, and it is very important players step forward and take leadership of different areas - I'm not talking about calling line-outs and running back plays - with respect to the players, a lot of players can do that." - He was talking about when things go wrong who will be the flag bearer? - And the cook!

But that's not funny at all - this is; Portugal will play their warm up games for the World Cup against...wait for it London Welsh - well they are 2500/1, along with Namibia.

Here are the Tri-Nations revised odds: N.Z. 1/8, Wallaby's 9/2 and S.A. dropped down to 20/1 - by the way the Wallaby's will win on Saturday 22-9 - I keep on going for these high margins eh!

Other World Cup odds to date: N.Z. 4/9, S.A. 6/1, France & Aus 9/1, Ire 14/1, Eng 20/1, Wales 33/1, Arg 40/1, Sco & Italy 250/1, Samoa 300/1, Fiji & Canada 500/1, USA, Tonga, Japan & two other I can't read, nor remember are on 1000/1.

Some results:

Castel Beer Cup, North pool: Nigel 54 - 0 Chad - (One a-side!)

Asian Cup: India 11 - 3 Philippines

NSW argh Shute Shield: Eastern Suburbs 48 - 42 not so Manly

Warringshangri-la 34 - 29 good old Gordon.

Let's have the weekly Dally bit; he says he's gotta really battle for a spot in the World Cup, and that, "There has been some scary moments on the field already in terms of how competitive things are." - And this; "I'll tell you this, we have not seen the real England on the pitch for a few years and when we get the real England on that pitch I believe we will produce a few surprises in the World Cup."

The fool backed em a year ago - it's going to be the closest World Cup in history!

Ok lastly, when Fijian team manager Pio Bosco Tikoisuva was asked why his team were late for their recent game against Australia he promptly replied, "There is no truth at all the allegations that the bus in Perth was delayed because someone was smoking cannabis." - Beautiful.

Fijian bus

Ok, whass-up in-de cricket, mon?

I'll tell you - it's hounds and bound...aries.

In a couple of Twenty20's between the Windies and England they shared one a piece...I think!

But the up shot was that England's quickie bowler coach Allan Donald has been given an extension on his job till after the Twenty20 World Cup in September, and he likes the lads he's working with, he said of them, "The potential of these guys (Anderson, Plunkett, Broad) is massive. Before I took this job I said that England have a good group of fast bowlers, which means plenty of competition for places."

We then found out the real reason why he likes them - they keep on asking him to talk about the battering he gave Atherton with the bounce a few years ago; "The thing that I've enjoyed is that I'm not doing all the talking. I've shared lots of moments with them, the Atherton battle, that sort of thing. It's been nice to have been asked those questions." - ‘hey Allan, I'm having a bit of trouble with my goolies, can you help me?' - ‘Sure, did I tell you about the time I slung my goolies at Atherton back in the summer of discontent...'

England beat the Windies in the first ODI at Lords by 79 runs. Colly was proud of his boys and said, "We fielded like a pack of hounds and it feels good in the middle when everyone is together. We applied a lot of pressure and all the bowlers were superb." - ‘Yea, can I just say that when I bowled the in-swinging goolie knacker to Atherton back in the summer of...' - ‘Not now Allan'

But the Windies bounced back in a rain soaked Britain, bar Edgbaston where they managed to play all day, and won by 61 runs. The Shiv fella, the Cunder of St.Paul, guess what...116* again. His score card this summer has been; 74, 50, 116*, 136*, 70, 41, 53*, 116*. He's only been out four times - one dodgy lbw, two last stand Test slogs and in a Twenty20!

Bell says he wants to emulate Ponting in the No.3 position, he said, "Ponting is the best No.3. He doesn't go out and slog, he plays proper shots." - Bell got out for two, although it was a dodgy lbw.

It was all in all a feisty 2^nd ODI, with Darren Powell and KP having a bit of a set to and Anderson and Runako Martin also had a slice of ding-dong pie - the umpire had to separate them at one point when they bounced shoulders, which was probably good for Anderson, seen as Morton stabbed his own brother in a previous argument!

We head to Trent Bridge on Saturday for the third ODI and I reckon they'll be wearing flippers there.

Other sports - not water - or golden!

But good olde F1, and as we head into Silverstone, Hamilton's own ground, He's full of beans, "I don't see why I can't fight for a win at Silverstone." - No, you go ahead old son.

He's also sure he and Alonso can be friends, "I told him if I have any questions I will approach him face to face. He said the same." - Argh that's nice in it.

can we be friends

But what's this; industrial espionage from the McLaren camp? The latest stir is that sacked Ferrari technical manager Nigel Stepney passed on info to the McLaren team before the Monaco GP - McLaren deny all.

As do Ferrari on their latest announcement:

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Alonso's bird in the shower!

in shower

Meanwhile Brit, Bradley Wiggins, two time Olympic cyclist champ is in line for the yellow jersey for the Tour de France, as it kicks off in London this weekend. The prologue on Saturday is a feisty sprint around the City then on Sunday the real thing starts - 126 mile dash from Greenwich to Canterbury, before heading over to Frog-land for its namesake - the Tour de France! - Ugh! Anyway, he finished 123^rd last year and when asked about this year he replied, "My aim is to finish." - me too, with week's cfn edition!

needs the yellow jersey!

And lastly you may have noticed some snippets of tennis in between the ducks playing football at Wimbledon this week. So just to keep the mood light they auctioned off Borg's old 15lb wooden racket he used to lose against McEnroe in 1981 - it sold for £13,200 - that's about how much they cost these days, isn't it?

womens tennis is getting better

And now it's time for the world news:

What have we got on ye olde nakedness texture this week, in fact what have got full stop? - Shut up and I'll tell you...

John Holme is a Pastor and he's 47 - next year he'll be gloss - ha ha! No, that wasn't it, but he is a Pastor and he's swanning around Blighty in a boat donned as 18^th century Methodist founder John Wesley, where he'll stop off at 30 various ports and preach. That is if gets past the half a million Eastern Europeans, cocaine deliveries and consistently high tides at the moment.

John Holme?

Harry Potter's pseudo pen-pal JFK W Rowling has just penned the last, God I hope so, books on the little weasel Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Her lawyer took it over to the States to get it edited by a bunch of secret editors. He in fact sat on the 700 page manuscript all the way and didn't even take a loo break so as not to lose sight of it. Well you would, it's been badged as the ‘biggest publishing event in history'. And if it's anything to go by the Half-Blood Prince back in 2005, which sold 6.9m copies in 24 hrs it's gonna make Jesus' book look old hat!

keep it under wraps

Something I'd rather look forward to in late July is the new Simpsons film; The Simpsons Movie The Sneak. It bags greenie, hails pollution and Homer dares Bart to skateboard naked through Springfield's streets, which he does. It doesn't get any better.

RadioCorp Media in Singapore has been fined by the ‘rock up the arse Watchdogs of taste and decency' for airing a competition where women are asked to whip off their bras in double quick time without removing their clothes. Regular hosts commented and questioned on the colour, speed, design and cup size. - They'd get on fool'scorp Media!

little red handful

Did you know Tyson was in a Bollywood film and about to do another? - More on that when I get it.

Queen Liz and her family cost the Brit tax payer 62p a year, which is about $3000! A spokesman from the ‘castle' told us how greener they are becoming, and followed her, infuriatingly new fad of conscious carbon footprints, "Success has been achieved in reducing carbon emissions on gas and electricity by 1000 tonnes or 12% during the year through low energy consumption and the introduction of a new Combined Heat and Power Plant at Windsor Castle." - That means they've installed nuclear power and Homer now works there!

Prince of Wales

But if you want a real pad why not look at the Hola Rach mansion. Set in a mere 95 acres. It belongs to Saudi Arabian Prince, Bonder bin Sultan. It has 15 bedrooms, 16 bathrooms, a children's wing and a beauty salon. It's bigger than the White House. It has pools, tennis courts, and its own cross-country ski-trails. It's in Aspen Colorado. And it's up for sale for a mere £67.5m. But beware only 11 out of 1000 prospectors are worthy of a peek. - Seven of those haven't been seen since!

Diabetes type 2 is not conducive to modern day eating. It's all about handling your sugar intake, and since around the agricultural age of about 9000 years ago, cereals, diary, refined fat and sugar are a bit of a no-no. Doc Steffan Lindeberg from Lund University in Sweden said, "To avoid diabetes type 2, it may be efficient to avoid some modern foods." - EAT MEAT!

eat meat!

Brit jazz and blues icon George Melly died this week aged 80 - ‘Crappy feet I got those crappy feet, crappy feet and I can't stop dancing...toe to toe...' he said, "I've always said I either wanted to die coming off the stage with the applause in my ears or of a terminal stroke on a river bank with two trout by my side." - Can't get fairer than that.

Fat bloke down a café in Tonbridge, England went into an all you can eat breakfast deal worth £7.50 and spent three hours in there eating 15 of them.

His dad was a zebra stallion, his mum a horse - they produced a Zorse! Not the fat bloke - the Zorse.

The new big Christmas toy is tipped to be the Eternity II board game, which offers a £1m prize for the first correct entry picked in 2008 from a 256 puzzle piece formed correctly into a square. - Every business should offer this...fool is thinking, bear with me...

A £600 talking toilet in London has been made by the Dutch and it tells you when to flush and wash your hands. - It also rolls you a joint and gets you laid whilst taking a ride on its scenic canal.

am i done?

Ok lastly, Britain's telephone emergency service 999 has been in operation for 70 years, since June 30^th 1937. Here have been some of the calls; 1) to help with a crossword.2) A woman who had shampoo in her eyes. 3) A dead mobile battery. 4) And old woman who couldn't reach her remote control, and 5) a lady who reported two rather large owls on a telegraph pole.

The services get 560,000 calls a week, 40,000 of those are hoaxes or time wasters - what's the difference? A spokesman said, "We are using the anniversary to remind people the service is for emergencies." - ‘Brrr brrr, brrr brrr, argh yes hello, I'd like to know how to end this week's cfn...'