29th july - 4th august 2011 volume 443
August, 02nd 2011 22:23 PM

“You never know who you’re gonna find there”

(Velvet Underground)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

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reporter crazy fool

 

Published 4.8.11                                           

For Elements of: 254 Medical Regiment (Volunteers)

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

 

Brought to you by

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Plain chocolate

Despite a recent fugitive initiative launched in America a man behind the greatest ever skyjacking is still at large, 40 years after he extorted $200,000 from the FBI.

 

Wearing a tailored suit and dark glasses, DB Cooper calmly boarded a flight in Portland Oregon in 1971, then sat down to a glass of whiskey and a cigarette and handed the stewardess a note saying,

 

‘I have a bomb in my briefcase. I will use it if necessary. I want you to sit next to me. You are being hijacked.’

 

- Which is a bit extreme just to beat the smoking ban, however, further demands showed he meant business, which were; to land in Seattle where he would release the 36 passengers in exchange for the cash, four parachutes and to then take off again bound for Mexico flying at 11,000ft.

 

Somewhere over the Cascade Mountains Cooper jumped never to be seen again. Over 1000 suspects have been interviewed including several deathbed confessions, which have so far produced 17 books and one film starring Robert Duval.

 

Despite one man’s likeness of DB’s photo-fit and his association with a lady who runs the confectionary in the town of Ariel nearby where Cooper parachuted, not enough evidence has stuck to lay a conviction, and so DB, dubbed the Milk Tray man by locals, is still at large.

 

FBI agents are adamant they will get their sweet revenge.


Stuck on you

Meanwhile Marshals did catch murderer Frederik Barrett 60 who escaped jail in 1979 following a trail using info compiled from public record databases that led them across Hawaii, California, Tennessee and Maryland and eventually traced to a cabin in Montrose County.

 

Frederik was identified by a tattoo on his right hand, which police said was confusing because they only had a photo that portrayed the artwork of a map of the world with the places he had visited coloured in, on his left hand, only when they caught sight of it in the mirror did things become clear.

 

Not all turned out so well for Joseph Schneider who missing for 27 years, was found up a chimney of a bank in Abbeville Louisiana.

 

During renovations builders found human remains along with a pair of gloves, lighter, watch and a wallet.

 

The same fate could have easily ended up for a drunk Chinese man who got stuck in a sewer after diving down a manhole to avoid a fight. Unable to haul himself out he kept himself entertained by singing till rescue came.

 

A fireman who freed the crooner from human excrement said, ‘Once we pulled him out he said thank you and then fell asleep. We woke him up and he said thank you again and then set off in the direction we assume was his home.’

 

In unrelated news an un-named Chinese man was x-rayed with a milk bottle in his pelvis after he stuck it up his bottom to relieve constipation.

 

…Whilst a male farmer who went in hospital for a hernia operation ended up having a hysterectomy. Surgeons found a female uterus, ovaries, Fallopian tubes, cervix and underdeveloped vagina tissue.

 

Becoming suspicious I contacted the FBI who are now investigating just who the other parachutes were for after believing the woman covering for DB Cooper might well be the Chinese farmer, who ran a confectionary shop on the side whilst smuggling American made chopsticks into China explaining why Danny the polish digger in the Great Escape mythical background… but those smuggling days are over and now Korean-American Jae Lee freely admits exporting chopsticks from Georgia to China with a ‘Made in USA’ stamp on account of China running out of wood… or was I just getting bored


Once upon a time…

In the bad writing contest of San Jose 2011, Sue Fondric won the Bulwer Lytton fiction contest with this opening line,

 

‘Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell into a growing pile of forgotten memories.’

 

The contest in memory of Englishman Edward George Bulwer Lytton who’s book Paul Clifford written in 1830 opens with, ‘It was a dark stormy night’ epitomises all that is fragrantly amiss to a lexicon couture.

 

John Doble won the historical fiction with, ‘Napoleon’s ship tossed and turned as the emperor, listening while his generals squabbled as they always did, splashed the tepid water in his bath tub.’

 

And Mike Pederson won the Purple Rose, ‘As his small body scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a loss to why he felt blue.’


 

 

Which just leaves the news that Kelly Brook has been voted the best looking woman in a bikini, Jennifer Lopez came second with Pippa Middleton third.

 

 (Quick sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘As the globe wobbles in a state of austerity it’s comforting to know the black hole of doom is oft over run by the positive vibrations of beach boy enthusiasm cradled with a sprinkling of blind faith that has been nurtured by the iconic greatness that once sifted through the name-saked Clapton, Baker, Winwood and the ever unknown and un-pronounceable Ric Grech who catapulted us to the moon in order to enrich our lives with stargazing appeal that can only relinquish the hope of prosperity in a spiritual connection to the winding path of absolution and who better to guide us now on this quest other than Ziggy, whom some may say was inspired by the all encompassing programmer of fortitude in our very own special guest Mr Rod who this week has come up with his own tune for the featured listening soother in Get It Off Your Chest Request by way of Ziggy’s Starman that reached the dizzy heights of popularity in 1972 – take it away Dave…

 

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘I’ve just seen a horse urinate.’ fool’s other side

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I was walking home the other night. A man came out of the doorway. He said, ‘have you seen a policeman ‘round here?’ I said, ‘no’. He said, ‘stick ‘em up’.

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

There’s always the www.coreyashcroft.co.uk appeal – check it out

 

Don’t forget the classifieds pages – updated weekly


crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP… probably Sept

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…


www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news


*Residents in Palmetto State South Carolina are outraged by the fine dished out to one lady of $445 for hanging fake testicles from her truck. The obscenity charge was for a pair of big red plastic bollocks that adorn many of the trucks in the area and are sold under the brand names of Truck Nutz and Bulls Balls – there, I knew there was a an animal connection.

 


Number crunching


 

*15 year-old Zhang Biss was playing with his friends at his house when one stuck a sword 5 inches into his forehead – it was an accident, but he had a 4 hour drive 250 miles away to get it safely removed.

 

*Most toes and fingers on one person? 34 – but no thumbs – never mind because doctors in Utter Pradesh India will make a couple out of the extra digits.

 

*A mum and daughter in Charlotte North Carolina have won the lottery three times in the past 20 years. Kimberly McCauley won $100k on a scratch card recently whilst mum Amy won 160k in 2007 and $15.5 million in the New York lotto in 1991.

 

*German beer sales are on the up – 4.946 billion litres in the first half of this year.

 

*Betty and Barry Hill have had a plaque in their namesake in New Hampshire for being the country’s first recognised people to be abducted by aliens back in the 50’s. 35 miles, 2 hours and three years of hypnosis have not brought a logical conclusion of what happened on their journey home one summer evening in the White Mountains.

 

Finally, news that didn’t make this week’s show come from these headlines, ‘Wallabies Cause Crop Circles’, Swede Held For Building Nuclear Reactor In His Kitchen’, ‘Real coke, fake leg’ and ‘Woman Draws Beard On Face, Robs Bank.’

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page

 

 


 

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