I'll not bog you down with the drone of yesteryear, albeit this is a weekly scribble dedicated to yester-week but then that's what newsrounds are aren't they? - A catch-up of things you missed. Be them for real or in your head, like a dream brought on by a feverish Panadol extra mixed with a turpentined hallucination in the middle of the night, leaving you trapped in a scientologists ‘Uuuummm' cupboard, which in turn can render you a little tripped out in the mid-season between junky Christmas and smacky New Year. That reminds me, if our dreams are what we had, but also turn out to be our aspirations then you can never miss them and won't need a round-up because tomorrow will never come - it hasn't yet. So stop all that hogwash shite of New Year's revolutions you are never going to commit to, yes revolutions I said dunkorph. Revolutions, revolutions, as in those old 33's or 45's  before they went on their fantastic journey into the faddish, resoluted New Year of cd's, until eventually being blown off their laser track by an impish 8k  horn holding, blowing iPod (Whatever the fuck that is) - Same as it ever was same as it ever was...keep it real people, only promise yourself one thing...letting the days go by...never make an...running water under bridge...opening...through the rocks and stones...paragraph...there is water under there...this long.

more wine wench

Damn and blast, NURSE, NURSE...no, no the bigger one...that's it...now hold this...

Ha, well it looks like they're having fun, so why don't we too...have some fun...the quiz:

1. The Beatles ‘Revolution' comes off which album?

2. By how much does a sharp raise a note?

3. Which is the longest river in Asia?

4. What does a chandler make or sell?

5. What name is given to young herring?

6. Who was a man called Horse?

7. What year was Clinton elected president?

8. What species of fish are small fry?

Check out comps & results for the answers to cf's comps and get the results - do it  Now...still here foolettes? Go, go, going? Gone? Good. I'm gone too...long gone sister...having a cup of tea.

In the free space I've got here there's just enough room to carry on with the WHO AM I? And nope, it hasn't been got yet, so clue No. § is, "I've worked with all the top actors and consider Michael Caine a special friend, although if we had been in the Quiet American together he might've eaten me!'

Is it us?

Now, cf's not a major horn blower of...umm, that should be rephrased eh...cf's not a seasonal touter of the olde annual back slapping ,but without the likes of his sponsors then he and you wouldn't have any delightful colourings at the top and side and bottom of our screens, so a big hat off to all those involved thus far, most notably Pacharan, Juice, GTM, Fosters, Blue Gecko, Vasco's, Café Latin, Bootlace Holidays, Inkslinger Tattoo's and a special big up-yer to his hacks in the field, those regular double dousing duo of delights Digger and Trigger - look out this season folks, there'll be a plenty happening from these bro's in this coming...season, or the fool isn't a fool - ask my bro - stupid. Speaking of bro's, dem dere Bongo Massif Bro's says they gonna hitch up this 007, as too is the fishman - let's have a big (I'll nay go all Yank, but keep it civil) hooray, and here's to you.

didn't see 007 coming

What else is on offer this week?

Wanna know what else is on offer this week?...Look at the home page...

‘Tell them there's titty-bits in the tit-bits section cf'...Ssshh Arnold, I was going to, I'll also tell em that this week's archive selection is a cracker.

‘Tell them about the...' ‘Get back in the box' ‘But what about the...' ‘I warned you' ‘I just think you should...' (Distant sounds of stabbing, gun shots, and a falling anvil)

Such was the short career of Arnold on cf's newsround.

get ready

But now folks it's rugby time...

And synonymous with all sportsmen and chemists (of all sorts) at this time of year it is business as usual, but busier! Folk are out there taking the hits and popping things back into place or popping things then taking the hits - either way junior doctors are earning their keep.

On the rugby field there's been plenty of movings up and down the English Guinness Premiership most notably from Gloucester's whiz kids, but that's small talk compared to old head Willie John McBride's speech he made earlier this week - nothing controversial, nothing new, nothing unknown, but funny.

He was talking about New Zealand and that they are the only team to have concentrated on their scrummaging, and the fact that they probably would never admit that. Also that he believes they will win the world cup for a number of reasons, mostly them being good and that they keep the ball alive and they have super strength in depth, but also because...

"They certainly cheat well. I just can't understand why refs and touch judges cannot see it. On the recent tour of Britain and France, they were holding opponents back by the shirt, running across opponents, taking out players off the ball - all those little things that have a tremendous end result."

Asked if they needed to cheat...

"No is the answer. But they do it because they have always done it. That is the way it is. But it's up to referee's and touch judges to be far more aware of it and put a stop to it."

That's it Blacks, you've been collared.

In England, in the land which is whiter than white Phil Vickery has been appointed Captain, through to the world cup in September. Brian Ashton is ringing in the changes in a shake up which he describes as the ‘buck stopping with him' he being the ‘new head man'.

ha ha said the clown

He's also enticed Jason Robinson back - bloke down the pub doesn't rate him - cf rates him as one of the best of all time. Anyway, he's also got the likes of Andy Farrell, Wilko and Tindall. But surprisingly the Saxons squad (‘B' team) contains most of the squad we saw play in the November Tests, with the likes of Ben Cohen and Ben Kay - a couple of has Ben's there! Richard Hill has clawed his way back from injury, and no where to be seen is Lawrence Dallaglio - back on the class A.

watch him

But it is Vickery's day. He knows what it takes, he was on the ‘98' ‘tour of hell' and also in the team 5 years later taking a winners medal. He's just made his 3^rd comeback from back injuries and he's come through the schooling of hard knocks.

Let's let him explain, "Sometimes I think the new generation of rugby players haven't had it tough enough - I used to milk 100 cows 6 days a week, and then go to places like Newbridge, in Wales, on a wet Wednesday night and have my head kicked. It was a tough apprenticeship, but you know what? I miss those days." - Prop forwards eh! Thick as pig-shit, and twice as smelly!

First Six Nations game; 3^rd Feb Scotland v England - there'll be no love lost there...

and now this

Cricket - Ashes - Tea Ern?

Just where do you start eh? Should we have listened to McGrath's taunts in 19 o'Chocolate when he said it was going to be a 5-0 whitewash, which to be sure he wasn't totally convinced of himself. Or did the astute John Buccannan tap a finger pulsing accuracy button by declaring KP a non team man because he sometimes has offish mannerisms - no because on both islands Britain and Australia the majority think he's a tosser - Buccannan not KP.

There's of course a whole multitude of reasons why the difference this year compared to last is wider than Darryll Hair's comical reasoning of why he should've received £500,000   in loss of earnings, and of course his girth. Most notably the English only turned up for a couple of hour spells in either innings, never both together, either the first or the second and then it was to hurry things along so they could get back to the WAGS and chat about how good they were back in ‘05'.

Sure Gatting is fuming - why mention him all the time - because he's the last bugger to captain a winning English Ashes side Down Under in 1989. Gatting noticed that the English all but gave up in the 4^th test, but overall he does believe they gave it they're all - despite a severe lack of preparation, wrong selection calls, even before the tour got underway let alone on the tour and being in probably the hardest country to claim a win.

Gatting claimed, that, "If they weren't trying, I would say that they had let people down. But they are trying their hardest."

cf believes him - England have tried their hardest, every time you thought they'd made progress the Aussies replied with two cents more. The Aussies simply trained harder, the Aussies simply played better together as a team, the Aussies simply are a great side and a tough nugget to bowl over.

But yes, soon, and just like England's world cup rugby team, this Dad's Army will sit back with a pint and a smoke and sign the cheques for another love child's support fund.

Thnx Glenn. Thnx Shane. Langer must have been a bit miffed, and no one, obviously, talks about Martyn. That Pakistani cab driver must have quite a retiree trust fund by now.

thnx shane

It's not exactly over yet but by the time you read this it will be. McGrath will proud under his baggy green of which he refers to; "It's hard to speak about the English. But the baggy green means a lot to the guys in our dressing room."

England's dressing room

Langer will have chosen some poor sap to lead them in the song in dressing before a game, Beneath the Southern cross. ‘Why does it have to be me, I don't want it, I can't sing...'

Young man...

Englishman Sean Ruane will probably give Shane and Glenn another rendition of Time to Say Goodbye as they laud it on their dressing room balcony.

Punter will put a nifty fifty on the next Warne or McGrath to do their job a Test level - there won't be anyone, but Hussey will shake some ground with the bat.

Hussey

And Warney will become the new Marlboro Man in flip-flops - beg your pardon - thongs.

As for Freddie and co; I'm sure Fred will go straight around to Vaughn's house and punch his lights out and tell him to stop meddling in an already unstable camp. Fletcher will be down the labour exchange telling some old dear how good he was in ‘05', and that everyone loved him back then. Bell will be trying to get the toffee stuck in Cook's nose out and convincing him he's dream of captaining England is over, whilst reminding him that he himself has improved to hit an average, which is probably 30% smaller than the top 5 Aussies. KP will go and play for New Zealand. Harmison will erect an electric fence around his pad in Geordie-land to ensure he never leaves again. Hoggard will move into to his dogs kennel in the back garden and become Dogman - Paul Collingwood will be his keeper. And Monty will become king of the desert again proclaiming himself the Sikh of Tweak, and will appear on a variety of crisp packets.

Yes, I don't know where I'm going with this either, so I'd better stop eh.

I will tell you that S.A. snuck back in their 2^nd test against India in Durban by 174 runs. Ntini took 5/48. Pollock took it in the bollocks. The third a decider is currently in the balance in Cape Town.

Pollock's

Other stuff;

another easy day

Not much today as the fool's been on holiday, but every little helps eh.

Phil ‘the power' Taylor went down in what was described as the best darts final ever 7-6 to Dutchman Ray Van Barneveld. The power said, "In the last leg when I threw 180 I thought I had the bugger.' - But alas Ray finished on a double vodka to clinch to £100k.

Iron Mike Tyson has just been nabbed for drink and drug driving after cops allegedly found cocaine in his BMW. He says he's an addict and uses coke, "Any time I can get my hands on it."

Iron Mike

A baby born in the restaurant cart of a train from Lisbon to Oporto, Portugal will get free train travel for life. If that happened in Britain she would've been charged.

British Rail

Parisians are to publish leaflets to explain their many hand gestures which portray many of the moods. For example a man waving his hand above his head does not mean it is going to rain but means he is fed up - well that that clear then.

Parisians

So lastly, Welshman Paul Bates sent his mate Peter O'Leary a Christmas card, with no street name, no town and no postcard on it. He couldn't remember where Pete have moved to 3 years ago, but did recall him showing him it on a map. He drew a crude map of the South West Peninsula of Britain, and low and behold 9 days it got to Pete's house in Bude, Cornwall. Peter said, "It was very inventive." - I'd like to use the same excuse, but I haven't sent them yet. I'm waiting for the Christmas rush to subside.

It'll get there

Happy New Year everyone.

Happy New Year

cf