Crazy Fool's Newsround - 29th August - 4th September '08 volume 295

29th August - 4th September '08 volume 295
September, 04th 2008 06:38 AM

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: fool is wrapped around a lamppost in down town New Orleans during Hurricane Gustav. He is an undercover hack, disguised as the wind, in order to identify the hoards of looters expected to descend on the ghost town. As the tumbleweeds begin to roll Patsy Cline emerges, drunk, from the Crown and Anchor pub.

Patsy: ‘Crazy, for thinking my love could hold you…’

fool: Piss off you daft bitch, you’re gonna blow my cover!

Narrator: You arse fool! Here’s the quiz:

runs like the wind

1. In which of the armed forces did Jimi serve?

2. From which language does the word elastic originate?

3. How was Giovanni Battista Montini better known?

4. Which Formula 1 racing driver gave his name to the Grand Prix circuit in Montreal?

5. In cricket what name is given to 111 runs?

6. What is the name of the ship sailed by Captain Pugwash?

7. New Britain and Admiralty are in which island group?

8. Who is the Greek God of sleep and dreams? A) Morpheus B) Anaestheseus C) Comatus

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Roll up, roll up, get ‘em while they’re hot, they’re lovely. Meanwhile, down on Main Comp street was this clue from last week: Clue No.1: “On the road to nowhere I found the Tom Tom Club.” – Who was of course David Byrne, which was grabbed, hooked, lined and stinkered by Monsieur Dracule. So, back to this week and a new WAI means a new clue, No.1: “When Gustav cries I’ll send a note to Mary.”

is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 32 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those keen on crazy fool’s Gazpacho Soup – it’s coming!

Dracule: 16 (1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 10 (1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 4 (1 or 1, 1 not sure!)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: unknown

Quote for the week:

Irish people love Muslims. They’ve taken a lot of heat off us. Before, we were “the terrorists” but now, we’re “the Riverdance people”.

Andrew Maxwell

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SEVEN SEAS

Antarctic . Arctic . North Atlantic . South Atlantic . Indian Ocean . North Pacific . South Pacific

fool’s Gold

A young man from Scotland who is obsessed with the film An American Werewolf in London was jailed for four months after breaching an ASBO which banned his persistent howling

In Cyprus it is sunny for approximately 360 days of the year

When Jack Nicholson was 37 he discovered that his sister was actually his mother

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

Oh tell me what’s the word, oh word up…This weeks word are in fact a combination of words - a quote from a very wise man - Homer Simpson’...... “I never apologise, I'm sorry but that's just the way I am.” – Ugh!

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Takeaway’s that come in plastic bags with a double knot in their ‘handles’ – you can smell it, buy can you get at the bastard? – BASTARDS!

I was feeling a little horse...

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate; the minced lamb – love it.

Butchery & Delicatess

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(Nearby intersection of NKKN St and Nguyen Cong Tru St)

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Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; is the long arm of the AFL. Go the Saints

*Trigger: plenty of riders and runners this week - You betyer

cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW!

*Tit-bits – .../...I had a minor…/…some moments from the Edinburgh Fringe…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New - new* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one out NOW folks - something to do with an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island. - Something new coming soon on the Rainbow Warrior – me thinks – isn’t it…Fishman?

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – just fine tuning their air guitars

Mr. Meaner... I’m gonna say this only twice

Now, just in time; the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk et all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

If Boris Johnson is the comic genius, world ambassador for Whiff Whaff, David Beckham; the greatest footballer who can’t kick straight then it still leaves Peter de Villiers as an all time prick!

The PdV man maybe a colossal cock, but his side did get it right last Saturday at the Coca Cola Stadium (Ellis Park) Jo’burg, with a 53-8 drubbing over a woeful, woeful Australia.

Let’s not take anything away from the MB’s, because they played superbly, notching up eight well taken tries with ease and well, a degree of nonchalance.

Jongi Nokwe got four of them on the left wing, which required nothing more than waiting for the ball as the MB forwards ripped apart a flailing Aussie defence equipped with no backrow to speak of, well, not on the park that day at least. Four try Jongi said after through an interpreter, “I’m very happy”.

And so he should be. So should the big fella Spies, because he had a belter. After fool said he lacked a bit umph after his illness, a couple of weeks ago, he (fool) was proved mightily wrong last week – the man’s an immense battering ram, all good for quick loosey’s to feed off.

However, for the MB’s good work, the real story was the Wallabies defence, i.e. there wasn’t any. Timanu Tahu had an absolutely abysmal affair in the centres, causing him to say, “It was probably one of those games where you just wake up and think, this is a bad dream.” – You said it.

Mortlock too was conspicuously inconspicuous. But it was the Aussie media who pounced the hardest; from The Australian, ‘In previous games, one of the hallmarks of the Wallabies play was their scrambling defence, but this time it was non-existent. Towards the end of the game the Australians could not even make the first up tackles and conceded some of the softest tries they have ever let in.’

Oh well, there’s always the PdV prick to take your mind off things; here’s what he said after the ‘Booing of Durban’ and the ‘resurrection in Jo’burg’, “The same people who threw those robes on the ground when Jesus rode on a donkey were the same people who crowned him and hit him with sticks and stuff like that and were the same people who said afterwards how we shouldn’t have done that, he is the Son of God.”

“So that’s, exactly what we do. You have to look at history is repeating itself, and I’m not saying I am God.” – And you wonder why I call them MB’s! – ‘and stuff like that’!!!

Still, the Aussies are in the decider next week against the Blacks and as Mortlock says, “I think everyone will be absolutely mentally where they need to be, in the right place.” – Do you think he is?

The All Black’s have undoubtedly got the edge on this one, simply by being the better team, but they’re not called the chokers for nothing! – Even so; 21-18 – Blacks.

Some shorts

New Zealand beat a much depleted Samoan side in New Plymouth on Wednesday 101-14. Graham Henry un-condescendingly said, “I think they (Samoa) came off feeling good about themselves, which was important.” – Back to being an arse I see Henry!

Meanwhile skipper Filipo Levi, did enjoy the game but is keen for his Samoan boys to come home, especially the likes of Mils Mulianina. He quipped, “It is like one country and that is it.” – Are you listening IRB?

Greg Somerville probably played his last Test on home soil. He’s off to Gloucester for a couple of years, where the Premiership starts this weekend. Also not going home is Luke McAlister, who’s enjoying life too much in Sale.

Guinness Premiership holders Wasps take on London Irish and Raphael Ibanez the captain explains the 16 years of Dally syndrome, “There is life after Lawrence, there has to be. He was a great captain, an inspirational leader. But we have a title to defend and you cannot live in the past. “– Jethro Tull did.

Talking of the Premiership, the ELV’s have kicked off there too and Martin Corry, for example, is not keen on them, and didn’t see their inclusion necessary, but has succumbed to them; “It’s pointless moaning about them. Now I’ve accepted them and played under them, I’ve started to see the positives about them.” – That’s the spirit lad.

Rob Andrew’s been upsetting a few people by basically saying that Clive left no structure in place after the 2003 World Cup, which obviously caused a lot of bite back, most notably from Andy Robinson, “Every time Rob opens his mouth, he doesn’t do himself any favours.” – Yeah, shut it Robbo.

Eddie Jones put in his penny’s worth, “Clive ran the best rugby programme in the world for five years.”

Clive declined comment but asked for his 2003 post Cup report to be published in his defence, which in amongst it said, “working with the RFU is like skiing uphill.”

Meanwhile Rob has done some good things, especially with cash bonuses to clubs who employ home grown, not that he’s dissing the foreigners, just the shite foreigners on a carriage clock deal; “I have an issue with the run of the mill player who is standing in the way of the development of some very good English youngster.” – It works out 15k per annum for each England player they select if the match day squad contains a minimum of 14 throughout the season.

Lastly Eddie Jones is said to have turned down international offers, including that of the Welsh job to take up his post at Saracens, saying, “Deep down I knew I was going to go back to Vicarage Rd once my spell with South Africa ended. Now I’m getting my teeth into it.” – Name dropping or is rugby the new football?

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup!

John Smit’s; films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV – : This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises!

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Simpsons Hooray Henry crook 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

And this week it’s all about KP and err some other stuff.

But KP has been the man of the summer, as England ducked out of a 5-0 whitewash over South Africa in their Natwest ODI series due to a washout in match five at Cardiff – what a summer!

But the team are saying some nice things about the KP man, Ian Bell; “Kevin has been honest with us all. He has set down the rules – he wants to play positive and aggressive cricket.” – Bowl, grrr.

The Harm and Flint also got a mention from Bell-end; “It’s great in the field when there are guys like Steve Harmison and Andrew Flintoff coming on first and second change. You think you can defend any total.”

Well, he didn’t do so bad in the third himself with 73, but it was Fred who got the Man of the Series and in the fourth ODI you can see why, with 3-21 and 31 runs off 12 balls. But even he is bowing to the K; “He talks about work ethic – well, he’s right up there for that. He demands a lot off his players and they have responded.” – A change is as good as a rest.

In the third ODI at the Brit Oval England won by 126 runs in the second by 20 runs and the first by 10 wickets; all of them prompting new boy Patel to swing his two bob’s worth in too, “With Kevin as captain there’s no fear. You play how you want.” – Quicksilver!

The man (KP) is not getting ahead of himself by any stretch, but does have a refreshingly quirky way of looking at and dealing with play; “If our mentality is that we can wake up each day – without a hangover – wanting to get better, that will be a recipe for success.” – KP, we salute yer.

Graeme Hick retires from Worcestershire at the end of this season. He got over 64,000 runs in first class cricket and first played for England back in ’83 – where was he born?

And lastly Andrew Symonds was booted out of the Bangles ODI series starting in Darwin for missing a team meeting as he was fishing. Stand in Captain Michael Clarke said, “In my opinion we are the greatest team in the world, so we have standards and they might be higher than other teams. But if you don’t fulfil those standards you are not going to be part of our squad.” – Yeah, so there.

Till next week…

Other sports:

zippo

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Hundreds of scantily clad women let their puppies off the leash in public this week in L.A. for equal rights. The women from GoTopless.org bizarrely wore fake nipples to keep on the right side of the law and a spokeslady said, “As long as men can be topless, constitutionally women should have the same right.” – Right on sister. Now where’s my beer.

Talking of chicks, mums work 15 hour days, which is double the average office worker. That’s 5½ hours paid job, nearly three hours entertaining the kids, 45 minutes of cooking, 42 minutes housework and 30 minutes shopping (food). That leaves 2hours 14 minutes free (for a quick shag!). 2000 women were surveyed, conducted by Olay and…hang on a minute…that doesn’t add up…you could squeeze in a longer shag…15hrs?...move on…

Artist Marc Quinn has made a solid gold statue of Kate Moss, weighing in at 50kg’s.The ₤1.5m piece is in the Nereid Gallery in the British Museum under the exhibition Statuephilia. It’s thought to be the largest gold piece since ancient Egypt. Marc also did one called ‘Self’ which is a bust using eight pints of his frozen blood.

You think that’s weird, a Swiss man, Tim Steiner, has sold the tattoo on his back. The Virgin Mary was bought by a German collector under the promise of three exhibitions a year in a Zurich gallery. The buyer paid 150k Euros and also if Tim dies gets to remove and keep the artwork, which was incidentally done by a Belgian tattooist Wim Delvoye. It’s (he’s) on show next week in Singapore and Shanghai (Sing & Shang).

Shall we get back to some kind of normality? – Brit builder George Lambert 35 has built a 12ft stack of marmite sandwiches. He said, “I have lived on marmite sandwiches and nothing more for the last 25 years and am absolutely dedicated to the art form that is marmite sandwich making. Every sandwich I make is created with love, care and great attention to detail.” – With you brother; just bought some.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXII! “Ali G (interviewing David and Victoria Beckham): So do you want Brooklyn to grow up to be a footballer like his dad or a singer…like Mariah Carey?”

Snuggling up in a car watching the sunset has been voted the most romantic thing to do according to a British survey. More than half agreed. Next on 34% was a candlelit dinner and 8% gunned for sharing a bubble bath. – Pack of pork scratchings and a Demi Roussos album would do it for me.

Men are more prone to heart disease because of their sex hormones. Well, women’s sex hormones actually – oestrogen – they’re the women’s babies, but all men have a handful of them – ooh err. Any way, they are ‘cardia protective’ to women, according to Dr. Mazic Tomaszewski of Leicester University UK, but they don’t do the old fella any good. Boom boom!

Nor would this – a love cheated busty brunette reaped revenge on her boyfriend by making it with a hired gigolo then put it on YouTube. In the 33 second clip they strip off and she turns to the camera saying, “Hi John. It’s payback time. We’re going to have sex, but you’re not going to watch.” – Would you want her back? – World’s gone weird.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; “I saw a fat woman wearing a Tshirt with ‘GUESS’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?’”

Got heaps of news this week, but sadly not enough time – perhaps we’ll hear them on the next radio show!

In the meantime, here’s one about a lady who went to a reflexologist because of her aching knees. He used a vibrating massager to give her an orgasm, as part of Chinese ‘hormone therapy’. Prosecutor Amanda Rippon at Durham County Court UK said Stuart Hill 57 put the device on intimate spots and licked her breasts, and “She began to feel better and told her husband the defendant was a miracle worker. He was just taking advantage.” – He’s up for nine other cases – miracle worker, bloody right he is!

Agent Fox Mulder aka David Duchovy has clocked himself into a sex rehab clinic. Ironically he’s just finished a second series of Californication where he plays an over sexed writer. He also played a sex addicted husband in a 2005 film Trust the Man. Work obviously rubs off on him. And did you know Pam Anderson was first choice Dana Scully in the X Files.

Ok lastly, Will Hurst 50 from Blackpool Lancashire UK has ‘won’ his case for a ‘provoked’ backslap he gave his wife after she filed for domestic violence. Trevor Colebourne defending said, “My client says his partner persistently wakes him during the night requiring sex and he finds this very difficult to deal with. This has been happening almost every night for the last two years. He says her insatiable appetite for sex has caused a lot of problems between them.” – No shit. It would also be a problem if it weren’t between them! Will got a 12 month supervision order with ₤50 costs but no compensation as he was ‘provoked’.