29th april - 5th may 2011 volume 430
May, 04th 2011 19:44 PM

“Babe I keep a stiff upper lip

And I shoot from the hip, yeah”

(ACDC)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lad – The One With Pat

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 5.5.11                                           

For Elements of: 11 Explosive Ordnance Disposal Regiment, Royal Logistic Corps

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

The price you pay

As the world anchored on recent global events, it’s become irrefutably clear by the chants of USA, USA, USA, following the killing of Bin Laden, that this news story almost toppled the ripening appreciation of British patriotism, which has been girdled round the guise of Pippa Middleton’s arse.


 

Yin and Yang’s entwinement of the world’s hearts and minds gave credence to the cold, slow and passive principle of Yin, to be found embedded in Prince Harry’s loins and as such its feminine lure mingled with the hot and excited active principle of a raging bull’s masculinity of Yang.


Yin & Yang

 

Luckily fool is not nearly mentally equipped enough to ramble on about such similarities as bequeathed to Mr & Mrs Zigzag et sun and moon etc, but is rendered actively lazy in the services of moronic oxeye’s and can only ponder on his weekly solace of nonsense and stuff, to wit:


Katewillshedid

In for a penny…

11 witches, two vampires, a couple of zombies and one sighting of Bin Laden have been spotted in Wales over the past five years.

 

Add on 26 ghosts and 20 UFO sightings and you have just some of the queries Dyfed Powys Police have answered; in fact 3,300 requests to be exact, which comes in line with the Freedom of Information act - all at a cost of a mere £500,000.

 

Meanwhile officers in Pitcombe were deployed to carry out house to house enquiries for the felon who defaced a picture of local conservative councillor Mike Beach by drawing a Hitler moustache on it; which, ‘could cause distress’ said a spokesman for the council.

 

These flagrant disregards to accommodate a PC world come at a time when Gloucester police manned a £20,000 operation to catch villains who stole 47p’s worth of scrap metal.

 

In the pursuing arrest a helicopter was used, along with two vans, three patrol cars and two dog units with eight officers.

 

Police were unavailable for comment!

 


 

Meanwhile…

Not to be out done by stupidity police in America are looking for a man they arrested and had handcuffed to a chair.

 

John Caesar took off out the back door and was last seen riding on a stolen bike with the remains of the ‘dentists’ chair’ flapping next to him.


 

John held up the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, the home of the original Buffalo wings, with a fake gun and a strong jack.


‘Ok, this is a chick-up… I’m sorry, I’ve got a cold…’

 

Mayor, Byron ‘spitting feathers’ Brown said, ‘the officers had the suspect in question, when this here cute limey girl came on the TV screen and the next minute our suspect was hightailing down North Street with the remnants of a chair lagging behind him.’

 

President Obama confided the Mayor’s distractions were unforgiving but admitted his surveillance team were also glued to the same images.


Glued to British patriotism

 

Is it really squeezy cheese…

A New York art gallery is displaying cheese made from breast milk in a quest to raise the ethics of modern biotechnologies.

 

Artist Miriam Simun states the produce for her Lady Cheese Shop display comes from three women, who after rigorous testing, says it’s safer than cow’s milk, because at least she knows where they’ve been.

 

Flavours come in West Side Funk, Midtown Smoke, which was described by one taster as, ‘just creamy and pure heaven’, and Wisconsin Chew, which came out as ‘bland’ due to the veggie diet of its proprietor.

 

Passing neighbour Cheryl Coleman said, ‘That’s so weird.’ ‘I love this neighbourhood’ – which is a bit of a pointless quote, but fool liked it.

 

Miss Simun raised the question of the human factory; stating that blood, hair, sperm, eggs and organs are all harvested, so why can’t breast milk?

 

‘You’re putting it in your mouth. There’s something really visceral about that.’ – She said.

 

…Certainly something very visceral about putting Miss Simun’s cheese in your mouth.


Sometimes you’ve got to know what you’re getting

 

Meanwhile Japanese artist, Keisuke Yamada sculpts bananas using a toothpick and a spoon. He’s created Elvis, Davey Jones from The Pirates of the Caribbean, dragons and ghoulish skulls.


a-yah

There’s nothing w… whoa, look out!

Left handed people are more affected by fear… ‘Ooh, what was that, did you hear something!’

 

Studies from Queen Margaret’s University in Edinburgh reveal guinea pigs who were shown a scary film had, ‘fragmented recounts of what they saw including using more repetition’ – a sign, says Dr Carolyn Choudhery, that is parallel to sufferers of Post Traumatic Stress.

 

‘It appears they are tied to the way the brain makes memory during fearful experiences.’

 

My God, they’re tying guinea pigs to the brain – the bastards

 

 (Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘If one of the scariest things are clowns then Leo Sayer dressed as a clown is perhaps even scarier… or maybe Susan Boyle dressed as Leo… or even Benny Hill dressed as Susan who’s doing Leo… or Leo comes on Benny’s show, dressed as Benny, who’s dressed as Susan, doing Leo, who’s himself – weird buggers. Pass the squeezy cheese.’

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘get a job you bum’ Mrs fool

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I tiptoe into my house so often at 4a.m. my neighbours think I’m a ballet dancer’

 

And now folks…

 

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

 

Presents crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart! (might have to work on that)

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

 

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

 


 

 

 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

 

 


www.highstylecondominium.com

 


Animal news


*Leading academics say calling your pet a ‘pet’ is insulting and they should be referred to as, ‘companion animals’, with their masters, ‘human carers’. Oxford professor Revd Andrew Linzey, in collaboration with the University of Illinois wrote in the Journal of Animal Ethics that ‘wild life’ should be termed as ‘free living’ and ‘critters’ and ‘beasts’ done with all-together. At least he’s not shagging boys.

 

 

Number crunching


 

*Young Australian men do not want more sex! 12% of 16-24 year old heterosexuals say they could do with less. In a survey of 4,300 men and 4,400 women 57% of 35-44 year-olds held up their own with the nod for more how’s your father, whilst only 28% of women took the bait. In the 55-64 category – half said they could do with more but only 27% of the women were gagging for it. Juliet Richters, a professor of sexual health at the University of NSW concluded, ‘The evolutionary explanation is women are only keen on sex when they can conceive. A social explanation is a whole lot of stuff, including time, pressure, and tiredness. I mean, sex is a leisurely activity for us all.’

 

*The next biggun from Epic meal Time is their gut busting lasagne at 71,000 calories. Stuffed with 45 burgers, liquor, bacon and cheese the whole deal comprises of; Jack Daniels home made sauce at 558g of fat and 8,053 cals/ 15 Big Macs and 1litre of BM sauce at 660g of fat and 10,245 cals/ 15 Wendy’s baconeaters – 885g of fat and 14,100 cals/ 15 A&W Teen burgers – 390g fat – 7,500 cals/ bacon layering at 1,500g fat – 16,000 cals/ cheese layering, 165g fat – 8,500 cals – all topped with fried onion rings – but it’s not just for one person!

 

Let us remember that we can do these things not just because of wealth or power but because of who we are; one nation, under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all. Thank you. May God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.

 

I’m off – come on Pig (his name’s Brutus you know – so why don’t you just say Brutus then? – I’m off – come on Brutus)

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. for the latest news click on crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page – new weekly updated shows Friday afternoon’s – two in the can waiting to be uploaded – another recorded this week – knock yourself out! … still waiting!!!

 

p.p.s. sport is back – and a mild PotDQT with slight Fras showers will return shortly!

 

 


Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz



 

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