productions presents

That was the week weren't it...

No, let's try...The Scene: Vladimir Glashesnostwegian Putin's time is running out as president and to compensate his pension of a gherkin and some salt he's taken to caviar racketeering with the Russian and Scottish mafia on the Caspian Sea. Suddenly word comes over the radio that one of his henchmen - fool, has been found adrift, lying off Ireland's coast, in a small sail boat with no motor, no navigation guiding system or distress flares, but does have a horde of dead sturgeon and masses of tinned fish row in his hull! This was the desperate conversation moments earlier on his private radio - wavelength dodgyski...

fool: Red Leader, Red Leader I have been infultratedski...(crackle). Overski.

VGP:  Half past fourski.

fool: Whatski? Overski

VGP: Yes of course darlingski

fool: Whatski? Overski

(Vlad's aide - interrupts): You've got a clear line sirski

VGP: Go ahead foolski. Overski

fool: Sir, I've got 57 dead sturgeon here and a thousand tins of frickin fish eggs with a stamp of your face on them, please adviseski. Overski.

VGP: Look you imberseal, stick to the planski. You're a travelling salesman from Astrakhan who got lost en-route to Glasgow to offload your goodsski. You bought them off a bloke with an orange beard and you don't know his name and you haven't seen them since. We'll get the papers for their authenticity readyski - just you hold onski.

fool: Got lostski! Hold onski! These fish come from The Caspian Sea, which is enclosed by land, how did I get here? I'm doomed, off-course, wayward, off-track, disorientated, I'm all at sea...ski. You've hung me to dry Putinski. The Irish coast guard are looming in fast and I haven't got a punchline, what do you mean just hold onski. Overski

Narrator (Back by popular demand): Tune in next week folks to see if fool slips the Paddy's net. Will Vlad keep his half past four appointment? And who was the man with no name and the orange beard...ski?

Advertisement: ‘Got bathroom hair problems? Blocked drains need attention? Have no more fear - we've got tons of the stuff. Call hairline today on 0000999988877 - Gone today Hair tomorrow.'

looming fast

Narrator: And now, back to the quimsical:

1. What did Vladimir Putin say might be realistic after he will not be able to run for a third term as President in Russia this December?

2. What is dowsing?

3. Which drug took its name from the Greek God of dreams?

4. What is lowered by a Beta Blocker?

5. What Russian town produced deformed sheep after a 90's disaster?

6. What is measured on the Mercalli Scale?

7. What poet gave his name to a Cape to the south of Brisbane?

8. What does the term ‘Feng Shui' actually mean? A) Pleasant space B) Wind and water C) Cosmic balance.

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - They are scrummy and lovely and all baked by Mother Hemp!

 WHO AM I? - Was again ripped from the starters blocks on the first outing, and first in with the correct answer, which was Lee Marvin, was Count Blood Von Dracule - so well done mein blood thirsty friend and a pint of the red stuff is in the post to you. Next clue, and boy they go quick every week eh, anyway, next clue; Clue No.1: "I'm short, fat and hairy, but good, and I love birds!" - It's not fool!

is it me?

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment*NEW *NEW***

Some commonplace Latin:

de facto...in reality; according to practice.

Persona non grata...unwelcome or unacceptable person.

Et nunc et semper...now and forever.

Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria has a huge cross tattoo on he back. Producers of the show have to spend thousands of dollars digitally airbrushing it out when she is walking around in her underwear. - Underwear...Phoarrr.

But now those in the paper seats please step aside for...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine, sangria, mojito, live music, amazing food - what more do you want? - See what's on every Wednesday in the *classifieds - under, ooh, entertainment, restaurants...and did someone say party?

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh September - cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds. Couldn't get enough of those steaks last month dude - see what's on offer this month.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in their rugby world cup t-shirt collection in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

More, more, more and more stuff in the *classifieds pages now - something for the weekend?

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Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger I believe will afford us his wisdom on last week's GF and perhaps what's in store for the bally heroes and the fallen losers in the next couple of weeks.

*Trigger, just keeps crossing that line with a winning stub - double your money, try to get rich.

*Tit-bits - now, I believe there's something to do with religion, and an elephant and a fairy tale. *Grub - Up will continue to delight you with Cameron Diaz' lips on the side, whilst *Fishman was back on the mainland last weekend and told the fool that as soon as he gets his type writer back he'll send the next draft - can't get fairer than that. *Bongo Massif Bro's - Logistics are enormous.

Mr. Meaner...It's the monkey or you - you choose.

But now it's ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

Four wheels on my wagon and I'm still rolling along, the Cherokees are after me, shooting spears past my ears, but I'm singing this happy song...

Yes, exactly, Canada, U.S.ofA. Tonga, Wales, Portugal, Romania, Ireland, Georgia, Samoa, Italy, Japan and Namibia your wheels have all fallen off, now get out of here...go on...off you go...what's that? No, you can't, now go.

Let's see why they had to be banished to the fires of oblivion.

And kicking off, in order, here's what Phil Vickery said last Friday that helped spur the English to send the Tongans packing 38-20, "There's no question in my mind that if we don't respect Tonga, don't come firing out of the blocks, we'll be going home. That's what I call fear." - Late home from the pub is usually fool's awe.

It was a cracker of a game - a first half with plenty of ding and dong. The Tongan No.13 who plays for Newcastle, Eefucku, was particularly rampant and along with the rest of the burley islanders gave a much improved England a game worthy of the crowd's Mexican waves.

Ye the English kept their heads, were stronger on their feet in the second half, made their tackles, kept possession and now and again showed some flair in the backline that hasn't been since David Duckworth slipped an arrow to Mike Slemen in 19 O'Chocolate!

Paul Sackey played his part with two well taken tries, one off the high/crossed ball into the dead ball corner et tackler too, and the other was a pick up and run, causing coach Ashton to convince us; "He's a hell of a lot stronger than he looks, and he had a pretty good all-round game.", Which he did. Corry had more praise for Sackey's two, "It is very special when you get a finisher who gets opportunities like them and takes them. You need to be in the right place at the right time." - That's Martini!

Now everything goes incredibly blurry as fool was in attendance at Saigon's AFL Grand Final, and for those who don't know, you tend to drink more than your body weight. Suffice to say that Wales did lose to Fiji 38-34 (After much result searching through to Sunday evening), and there were no less than nine tries in this howler - five to the Dragons, but one decisive one in the last minute to the man Ranuragged, to dispel any rumours that the carva-boys haven't got it in them for the whole 80. Coach Llie Tabua said after, "I know it's early in the morning but back home I know the whole of Fiji is awake." - carved out of the skulls!

Australia beat the Cannucks 37-6 and sorry folks but I have neither memory nor written scribbles on this one. No hang on, what am I saying, here it is, from the ‘Knuckles' himself, on what was  probably a non too plussed outcome, but no-one's going to worry; "The conditions probably didn't help (French conditions!), and it was one of those games we were always confident we could get away with so subsequently we were a bit loose." (They are French conditions!!)

Same goes for McCaw's ‘All Black-out' of Romania - 85-8, except he (McCaw) said, "They contested well with passion and physicality." - Which New Zealand ignored and proceeded to put 80 points past them.

France similarly catapulted Georgia back to the Eastern Bloc with a 64-7 thumping over The Lelos, and although the Sunday was still a haze I do remember they (Frogs) have another useful fly half in Lional Beauxis. - Crap name though.

The U.S.ofA lost out to South Africa 15-64. And Mike Hercus, the talented Yank No.10, hailed his troops, "I'm very pleased with the guts from the guys, they just kept on going." (Obviously in a Yank accent)He then went on to ham it up real Yank style and started to thank the French public, thank the crowd, thank everyone for having them, and he'd just like to accept this...get off.

Ireland next, and they failed to make the quarters in fantastic style by going down to the Corned-beefeans 15-30. It was another thriller, no less for the sake of what was at stake and realistically how attainable it was. Despite tries from B.O.D. and Murphy, the powerful Pumas were and are a team to be reckoned with. Their forwards seem to do nothing wrong, and Juan Martin Hernandez is turning into a real dapper fly half. Both Puma wings touched down to a questionable defence but as B.O.D. says of their territorial game, "It was difficult, we were playing against a team that refuses to play in their own half." And, "They are a difficult brand to play against." - Princes is a good brand of corned beef!

That about does it for any games gone, so now...

Games to watch over the weekend:

Watch them all, but start with England v Australia; They've met three times in a World Cup, won one title each out of those meets and England won the other on a last minute Rob Andrew drop goal in the ‘95' quarters! Dally played in all those encounters and says, "You don't beat an Australian at anything until you are virtually back in the changing room. They simply never give in."

Australia have been branded the Germany of football, as they always come good at tournaments. Ben Kay calls them the, "Brightest rugby team in the world." He says, "These guys analyse you closely for days before hand and there's nearly always something knew they throw at you that wasn't on tape when you analysed it." - Hey look, there's Willie Offengower (!) running with the ball under his arm...no, no, hang on, that's Jonathan Webb's head!

Forwards battle - even. Australia will expose England's tampered midfield. (Personally the fool thinks the English midfield would have benefited with a Farrell and Hipkiss combination...but need at least half a dozen games together under their belts first) - Latham is the danger man. Australia win by 11.

France v New Zealand is another Bongo Massif - eh, how'd they get in here? As much as Le Cocks are munching they're way acceptably through mediocre opposition and they have a side that's when it's hot can beat anybody and when cold could probably lose to Wales - The Blacks are simply too good for them this time. Forget the fact that they haven't played since the Tri Nations - they will win and win by a very healthy margin 22-18! - (He's on drugs inhe)

Fiji against South Africa and yes fool knows he got it very, very wrong last week, but to be honest I wouldn't even watch this one - no, I tell a lie, - The Fijians run like sevens players from 1-15, and  always have the possibility to score, and yes, South Africa haven't looked much since their tactical kicking win against England, where it seems their whole World Cup was focussed, but they will or at least should destroy Fiji 35- 18...but then the fool is often wrong. (And S.A have obviously cheated again judging on this draw.)

Lastly, Argentina v Scotland, and to be honest a win here for Argentina, and a win next against South Africa and Argentina could land themselves in the bloody final. But the fool doesn't like to get ahead of himself and will suicidally put his neck on the block and opt for a Scottish salmon surprise - that'll pay ‘the man' back from those scrupulous bookies. - 27-21!!!

World cup shorts:

Biggest disappointment: The fact that Jenkins only got the sack, and Jonathan Davies' comment, "Suddenly there is a softly, coddling culture in our game that needs to be toughened up." - Should have been plastered on billboards all over Taff-land for the shame to sink in.

Biggest idiot: Berrick Barnes who said he was at his Gran's watching the 2003 final on account of him only being in the 12^th Grade. No excuse, should've down the pub with everyone else.

Bloke to watch this weekend: Jauzion - that French dude, No.12, who might upset the Blacks apple-Carter!

Biggest confusing comment: ...exactly.

Biggest bitch exchange comment: Still in keeping with the only, and yes surprisingly only, derogatory comment banded between the Poms and Aussies regards to the coming match, the one where the ARU's boss John O'Neill (Probably not even Irish) spoke of the hatred for England, to which Dally commented further this week, "Nice one John, you can't beat being in the diplomatic service!"

The odds: of anyone getting a sports headline that Japan's Nikkan Sports Daily gave John Kirwan, ever again, ‘Eternal Power For Kirwan.'

Best comment of the week: Japan's No.13, Onishi, on slotting that kick from the corner to level with Canada in the 80^th minute, "I was amazingly relaxed. I tried to imagine the hearts of my team-mates and the Japanese fans. I had to make it."

Saddest stat and subsequent comment: Prior to the 2003 World Cup England had beaten Australia six games on the trot and the Southern Hemisphere sides in 14 consecutive games, Dally reflected, "Now things are different!"

Some off the cup shorts:  

None.

Johnno's best ever stationary world cup team:

15. Pencil HB 14. Bic biro 13. Red whiteboard marker 12. Black whiteboard marker 11. Paper clip 10. ‘Approved' rubber stamp 9. Double sided tape  8. Scissors 7. Rubber 6. Stapler 5.Ruler 4. Whiteboard eraser 3. Whole punch 2. Blue tack 1. Paper weight

Other Results:

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket now:

Australia won their second ODI in Kochi this week by 84 runs. They posted a 306-6 innings, which the Indians could only reply with 222 in 47.03 overs - all out. Symonds and Haddin racked up 87 a piece with MS Dhoni kebab supplying the only worthy opposition with 58. The first match was a wash-out in Bangalore, so this puts the Aussies in front 1-0 with the next match in Hyderabad on Friday. - And that's about as serious as the fool can get.

Meanwhile down the road in Sri Lanka England were getting their noses dirty in their first ODI drubbing. The Sri's notched 270 on a slow track with Colly's earholes racking a miserable 150 all out in 34.5 overs. As Colly said, "It's an eye opener but there are four games left and we have to come back stronger." - Here here!

In their defence they have been billeted in the depths of the jungle where attacks from monkeys and bats are frequent. This doesn't detour Jungle Colly though as he eats danger for breakfast and said of his not-so-well adjusted friends, "A couple have had a few worries. There are a few softies in the team."

Ok, news on Freddie is that his ankle is still woeful and fool will help with his distress call, as the man is dearly needed in the game. The ‘ankle' team says, "We are looking anywhere on the planet for help." - For the love of W.G. Grace, can't anybody help?

Till next week...

Other sports:

The Ham snuck ahead by 12 points after his win in Japan and Alonso's exit in the 42^nd lap, forcing the ‘Bitch' to confess, "I need a miracle. I will keep fighting. I will not throw in the towel." - A couple of years ago The Schu led with two races to go and pulled in sick with engine troubles handing the title to Alonso - remember that!

The Ham's playing it cool though, and said his Nippon race was the ‘best of his career'. And after ranted, "I was buzzing after the race at Fuji, but made sure I had a good meal, played a bit of pool and some arcade games and had a good nights sleep." - Yeah, there's nothing like doing 58 laps then running straight to the arcade to play a driving game!

The Ham's dad Anthony has seen the light though and on hearing his son could earn £250m in the next ten years, laid down the law, "There is no party when you are racing - no smoking, no drinking, no women, just work." - Tell that to James Hunt.

And now it's time for the world news: Bong, bong, bong

Not much this week, as its all been a bit hectic, but anyway, here we go; A Russian woman had a baby this week weighing in at a healthy 17.1lb - Yes, that's a bout the size of a small Volkswagen. For mum Tatiana (Had to be didn't it) Khalinia from NNadezhda in the Altai region of Siberia, it was her 12^th kid, all of whom were skinny little dudes weighing in at an average 11lb!!! - When asked what the father said, a Rusky reporter said, "He couldn't say anything - he just stood there blinking." - For those crap on conversions; the average bairn born is around 7.06lb. - Mum said she didn't eat any ‘super foods' to produce this calf but just ate the normal Siberian delicacies of potatoes, noodles and tomatoes. - Bless ‘em eh.

Keeping with babies, Kimberly Mueller from Germany, which is in Germany gave birth to one of the tiniest babes in the world at 10.5 ounces - that's just a couple of fat ones! Docs gave the little peanut a 1000-1 chance when it was born 15 weeks early but all is fine with the wee mite who measures in at only 10.2 inches - hoorah. For those crap on conversions - it's about that big.

back by popular demand

Hot news on the hacks log, and to be verified yet, is that there is a tape of Eva Longoria - ‘doing it' - circulating on the net, but as yet only on the paid for sites. It's with her hubby NBA star Tony Parker, but even so, its poised to out sell Paris' yarn by the proverbial mile.

And not one to be outdone is Britney hot on Eva's heels with a sex tape of her with some bloke in Hawaii. The ‘bloke' mused afterwards, "It was normal sex, we didn't do anything crazy. It was a little disappointing. It lasted for about 25 minutes then we passed out." - Good for her says fool, because she could do with the publicity an all, especially since her career has gone down the pan an all...

britney

Rock n roll's crazy capes part V: Steppenwolf this week or to be precise The Sparrows (As they were called back in ‘67); they of the biker's anthem Born to be Wild and one of fool's favourites; Pusher. Rumours were abound that they spiked a band member with acid in his cornflakes everyday until he went mad - Front man John Kay dispels those mountaneous moles - ‘before Steppenwolf there was a musician that we all liked and respected who was being approached about joining the band, since another member was leaving. He was invited to the west coast. And when he got there the whole flower power scene threatened the hell out of him. He came from a very conservative background and so on. One of the then Sparrow members made a futile effort to expand this fellow's consciousness and make him grasp the bliss that was waiting for him. He did apparently spike his coffee or something with acid. The resultant trip, which was of course unexpected, unplanned and unwelcome, caused this guy to really go off the deep end. And after he came down he was sent home. And believe me he was not a happy camper.' - Well, Ned Flanders wouldn't be would he!

Boffs in Harpenden, Hertfordshire, U.K. have trained bees to sniff out explosives...WHAT! No, it's true - Mathilde Briens from Inscentinal said, "Bees could be trained to respond when they recognise certain smells." - ‘Run for it everyone it's the buzz!' - Which reminds me of a very weak joke, yes, even weaker, - Two prossies walking down the street, one says to the other, ‘have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?' to which she replies, ‘No, but I've been swung around by the tits.'

U.S. agents in California have shut down a factory that makes cannabis laced food for medical users. Cops took 460 plants used to make BBQ sauce, chocolate covered pretzels, sweets, cookies, marshmallow pies, ice-cream, peanut butter jelly and energy drink...energy drink? Tainted Inc started out just making laced chocolate truffles - just shows you what drugs can do. ‘Yeah man, I just started on a bit of ice-cream then it just snowballed like dude...'

Win an Haffoln was out scuba diving one day in the shallow waters in the North Sea near Zierkan, Holland when a 13-year-old angler hooked him! He said, "I heard a sound on my head and immediately felt a jerk on my lip." - Yeah right...

Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.10: Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

There's a street car in Seattle called the South Lake Union Trolley. T-shirts reading ‘Ride the SLUT' apparently sold out in days.

Five sets of twins enrolled in the same class in the Ramsey Spinning Infant school in Huntingdon, Cambs, U.K. this year. Eleven kids all the same - weird!

Ok lastly, sex expert Flic Everett (No really) says older men are getting the nod these days and toy-boys are old hat. She says, "They see the bigger picture and are often more sensual, as they've learned it isn't just about scratching an itch, but spend time exploring all of her body.' On the downside, "If you're a five times a night girl, he won't be able to keep up. Quality not quantity is their view on sex." - Five times a bloody night! - George Burns said when you get to his age having sex is like shooting pool with a rope.

Keep a generation gap - start wearing a hat.

just cf it

cf