Crazy Fool's Newsround - 28th November - 4th December '08 volume 308

28th November - 4th December '08 volume 308
December, 04th 2008 04:58 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: Mrs Doufries, the notorious, seductress, temptress, seamstress and gun runner is dining with Che Guevara at his Poncho Villa Los Macaronis on Cuban Hill. fool, the spy who works with Mrs D. is disguised a piece of toast.

Mrs D.: So, what are your plans comrade Che? (she says biting into a ripened peach)

Che: We are going to take over no.37 Meadows Drive and burn all the DVD’s.

Mrs D.: Oh, you naughty boy. You naughty, naughty boy. Oh Che, that’s brilliant, you naughty boy, you naughty, naughty, naughty…naughty, naughty boy. Che, you naughty boy, you are a naughty boy Che, Che, Che, Che; you are such a naughty boy. I can’t believe how…

Che: Enough

Mrs D.: Oh, but Che, you naughty boy…

Che: Enough or you’ll face the firing squad

Mrs D.: Ooh, you naughty boy…

Che: That’s it, take her outside

Mrs D.: Oh, my God, you’re such a naughty boy Che (Any last requests?) Oh, Che you naughty boy… (aim) Oh you naughty boy… (fire)… Mrs D. is shot and slumps to the floor, Che and the firing squad walk away… ‘Oh you naughty boy…’ Che hears as he is about to bite into his toast…

Narrator: How is she still alive? We saw the blood ooze from her ample bosom.

fool: She was hit in her implants which were made from jam preservative made by my mother, surely that deserves a toast!

Narrator: get off, just get off… Quiz:

1. Where was Che Guevara caught?

2. In which country is the city of Abu Dhabi?

3. Who was the first player to be disqualified from Wimbledon?

4. Who is the patron saint of wine merchants?

5. If something is ‘fluviatile’ what is it?

6. Mycology is the study of what?

7. What does a mendicant do?

8. How many litre of air does a fit, healthy adult inhale with each breath? A) 1 B) 2 C) 4

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? Just to break the stalemate Marc le Quizmaster popped up with the answer first; to this: clue No.1 “My dad was a secret lemonade drinker” – Who was Elvis Costello. The Dracule got in there to earn himself a point, but unfortunately for him, not first, and as things are hotting up you’ll notice there’s not a lot in it on the scoreboard. New clue: clue No.1, “I’m not a dim character by a long way”

is it me?

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 44 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those about to quiz we salute cheese:

Dracule: 20 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 14 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 6 (1 or 1, 1, 1, 1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: You

Quote for the week:

One time when me was high, me sold car for like 24 chicken McNuggets.

Ali G

*Non-descript trivia moment*

PRECEDENCE OF THE GREAT 12 CITY LIVERY COMPANIES

1…Mercers

2…Grocers

3…Drapers

4…Fishmongers

5…Goldsmiths

6…Merchant Taylors †

7…Skinners †

8…Haberdashers

9…Salters

10…Ironmongers

11…Vintners

12…Clothworkers

(† Dispute between Merchant Taylors and Skinners as to which has precedence is thought to be the source of the expression ‘at sixes and sevens’. By order of the Alderman Billesden in 1484, the companies alternate in precedence yearly.)

fool’s Gold

Santa Claus has a brother named Bells Nichols, according to French traditions

Paranormal experts say people reach the peak of their ability to see ghosts when they are seven years old

Leaving the house without any underwear on is a crime in Thailand

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Peeling the top off yoghurt pots that don’t peel properly and leave you fighting finger and thumb with a millimetre of foil till you barley rip of a slither that you’re always sure is going to slice your tongue off - that and folk that don’t say yoghurt right…proper like – BASTARDS!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate, back on the minced lamb and by golly it’s good: let’s eat:

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Christmas is coming and we’re all getting fat, wanna put $10.00 in crazy fool’s hat!

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; dares to delve this week

*Trigger: let’s you in his stable

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – fool’s tip: to avoid (clap, clap, clap) “And welcome…” every time you open the site press pause/play and forwards and rewind buttons! – Next one out in Dec?…2009? – It’s a busy time folks, sorry, in the meantime press pause!

*Tit-bits – .../...Lifesaver…/…Fancy dress…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week or the week after, hang on, just let me get my shit together)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks, but for now read about an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – continue their world tour – coming to somewhere near you soon

Mr. Meaner... Did you see Venus and Jupiter welcome in the moon on Monday?

Now, you’re just in time for the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

They came, they saw, they conquered then most of them buggered off back to Earls Court. Some pressed on for Bayonne, but were denied by mother, whilst others will saunter off to Perpignan for some fun in the sun and a million squid.

However, it was the Lords of the Rectangles who conjured up the wizardry of 2008 and shall on the most part return under the long white cloud nine till 2011 when clear red, white and blue skies will be apparent once again – fernar, fernar!!!

England buckled in magnanimous style against the All Blacks and managed to steer a much improved outfit into the more familiar territory of on the rocks, as New Zealand finally took hold of the game around the 57^th minute mark.

You’d be forgiven in thinking that the All Black’s didn’t quite look the outfit they did in Cardiff or Dublin, because they didn’t, and weren’t allowed to. And sure if it wasn’t for the particularly off day by the boot of Carter the score may have been more reflective to England’s last game.

But trounced they were, on the bit part by their own discipline, but on the whole by the fact that they were taught a lesson in the basics of rugby.

They came out firing and competed in every area, causing McCaw to state that they were the most confrontational of the teams they played in November. But they still gave away novice-like penalties and Mears was rightly binned for the first one when he killed the ball – dye you bastard. Moments later Haskell said the same thing, and got the same thing as he elbowed Rodney So’ioali-liolio-i in the face.

Going into the break at 12-6, all the points were from the boot, and you might have thought fool really did have something up his sleeve, especially when after the break Easter found himself romping away to the All Black line only for Mils to ankle tap tackle him a metre short. Support came quick, but Care shilly-shallied with his pass and before you knew it a turnover came about with Cowan racing back up the track only to be cover tackled, high, by Flood, who got himself yellow-carded because the ref panicked.

You knew then England weren’t getting the rub of the green, or more’s to the point the All Blacks were just settling in. they certainly proved the point when their scrum shoved England off their own ball, quick ball made it to Smith, he ran straight, Nonu looped and with quick hands and feet I-should-Cocko or was it Mils was in the corner – a classic, All Black basic try executed at speed.

After that Carter found form with the ball from hand and booted it for Mils to gather and score and not long after I-should-Cocko steamed up the middle and laid a deft pass off to Nonu to strike from 50metres.

Not all was lost for England; there are players in the making in the likes of Armitage, Kennedy, Care, Haskell and Croft, and why Flood didn’t play outside Cipriani is a luzzep.

Jonno knows the potential although he may sound a tad frustrated; “It feels like three weeks on the trot we have had the chance to be in the game, but have not had the composure or the execution or played well enough in the second half to do it.” – I recently had the trots on my birthday and I was great in the second half.

He knows fitness is essential for the ELV’s in Test rugby and notes that it doesn’t win you games but it does help. And, is he down? “It’s not a lost cause. We have a young team, but they have to start learning soon.”

Henry also saw the game as it unfolded, “They are a difficult team to play; they kill the ball and are physical. We had to be patient and build the game; the guys did that in the second half.”

McCaw was right behind him, “We are happy with what happened in the end.”

Over in Welsh-land the leeks sprung up in the Aussies defence, and after only a few minutes when Shane Williams started a move, off-ed it to Lee Byrne, onto Jamie Roberts then around again to Williams to cross for his 44^th test try.

Wales won 21-18 in what was by all accounts a huge game of rugby, the fool didn’t clock it as no-one put it on the telly!

But he does know that Mark Chisholm snuck a cheeky one back after a 60m dash from a lineout. The Git dropped a goal after a barrage of attacks, whilst Wales attacked with every chance they got. Andy Powell broke the defences and the made some width where Byrne ran a beautiful angle off Williams’ shoulder to score under the posts.

Digby Ioane score in the last minute and a three minute injury time crescendo saw the Welsh on full defensive duties.

Robbie Deans almost saw it coming: “It was a very good performance and pretty much what we expected. It was everything that we anticipated. They are playing good rugby, playing with ambition.”

Warren Gatland also saw it that way; “I think the result for us was the main thing. We needed to get this win. I’m pretty proud of the performance and I think the best team won.

It wasn’t inconceivable for Wales to have notched beyond 30 in this game, as they missed a couple of kickables, which Gatland concedes does, “hurt a tight five”, but more than that, they are a good team and when they play on the attack in harmony they are hard to beat.

Shane has the last word here: “Some of the rugby we played was absolutely brilliant.”

The Australians beat the Baa-Baa’s 18-11 at Wembley in a rather untraditional all-star end of year fixture where Australia played tight and, well, ultimately to win. You can’t argue with that, but when the Barbarians realised it wasn’t a run fest they thought they had better do something, so Schalk Burger and Jerry Collins began to slow down proceedings around the ruck.

18 –year-old O’Connor kicked three from three and looks to be a star in the making, as too does Quasimodo-red neck-Quade Cooper, who still went out of his way to have a fight, but topping the young talent tree was an A1 performance from the Aussie hooker Tatafu Polota-Nau, from Irish decent with a Welsh accent.

Some Shorts:

The Git wanted to go to Bayonne for four years for ₤4.25m, but the ARU said no; “Our position is we don’t entertain sabbaticals.” – Better hope for some lucrative sponsor deals to keep you in Wallaby-land Git.

The Specifics are knocking on the international door again and are desperate to enter a comp. Captain Mosese Rauluni said, “The Islanders concept should carry on as it is a great honour to represent the Pacific with our brothers from Tonga and Samoa.” – They’ve got to turn down Argentina first. And the fool still can’t get over Fiji beating Wales.

Talking of Wales and World Cups, the isn’t-its have got the MB’s, who make their first appearance in this week’s slot, and Samoa and err someone else (please fill in gap) – that’s a toughie.

England have Argentina and Scotland and err please fill in gap. Jonno says, “I don’t agree it’s the best draw we could have hoped for. Scotland reached the quarter finals last time and Argentina came third!”

New Zealand have France and someone and someone, and I bet they’re a tad relieved. Whilst Australia draw Ireland and two others!

The All Blacks have won 13 of their last 15 Tests. In their November tour they didn’t concede a try in five games and only three points in all the second halves.

I’m done.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup! Curiously he’s had two takers – better be quick, cos next week I’m upping it to the 2015 World Cup!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

No news this week. I should really have been following the Australian/ Kiwi game, but I haven’t.

I do know England are going back to India to play the two Tests and remarkably with the full original squad bar Wobblybottom who has a side strain – that’s straight out of Python isn’t it – ‘Good luck lads, and err Reg won’t be coming as he’s got a bad back!’

Next Thursday’s Test has been moved from Ahmeda’real’bad to Chennai and the following one from Mumbai to Mohali – just in case you were thinking of going.

Till next week…

Other sports:

None this week, sorry.

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Belgian tattooist Wim Delvoye tattoos pigs then sells their skins when they turn into bacon… mmm … bacon. He’s that nutter who tattooed the Virgin Mary on the back of that even bigger nutter, who when dies will have his skin bought by the biggest nut nut of them all for €150,000. He’s set up on the outskirts of Beijing, I think for obvious reason, and said when asked about the differences between pigs and people, “Pigs never had an opinion.” – Squeal’s to you Wim, by try to be ham-fisted!

Rob Calloway’s 86 and he recently got stuck in the mud in his mobility scooter for… 16 bloody hours! He said he went out at 5.p.m. to get a nip of air and wasn’t found till 9.a.m. the next morning. This was in Britain – he must have frozen his wrinkly old hairy King Edwards off. He said, “I crossed a bridge, turned left and got stuck. It was a frightening experience and I won’t go there again in the dark.” – I bet not mate – ‘Oh bugger’ springs to mind.

If you were on the high seas these chicks would have saved you Rob – they’re four British women who are going to attempt to row across the Indian Ocean. They’ll be the first ladies to do so and the 31,000 nautical miles should take around 75 days. They set sail next April in their 29ft boat from Western Australia and head to Mauritius in what is the first official Indian Ocean Rowing Race. And oh yeah, they’re doing it in the nud. – I can see old Rob now… no, that was it, I can just see him!

I sincerely hope this wasn’t you – a shopper who relieved himself in a bathroom showroom in Bochum Germany has been banned for life. One wrong turn and 16 hours in the park, give him a break.

Leeroy Le Gallais 46 has been jailed for three years for having sex with a horse. That was his second time, he was already on probation for molesting the gelding called Calico in Guernsey – see, couldn’t have been Rob. The weird drunk, as he was described, said he meant to go home but instead ‘played around’ with Calico. – Sore throat? No, just feeling a little horse!

Let’s take a break from this horse-shit and tell you of a fashion firm in Brazil, which is run by prostitutes who design, make and model their own clothes and are going guns – the company’s name is Daspu, which is Portuguese for whores. – Sometimes you’ve just got to tell it the way it is.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVI! “Would you like to hear the famous ‘Polonaise in A Flat’ by Chopin? Very well. Is there anyone here who can play it?” – Victor Borge

A wife in her 80’s in Palermo Sicily had to phone police after her husband 82 got too frisky after taking a Viagra. – Don’t believe it.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; In fact this is Tommy Cooper: “I went to the dentist the other day, he said, ‘say argh’ I said, ‘Why?’ he said, ‘Because my dog just died.’” – Tommy Cooper – argh, the oldies are the oldies – ruff!

The world’s first true all gold Christmas tree went on sale today for ₤1m. It has 240 jewels, including diamonds and pearls and weighs 46lb’s, that’s the second time we’ve seen that figure. You can find it at the Ginza Tanaka jewellers in Osaka Japan. A spokesman for the shop said, “Economic sentiment is sluggish. But we want people to afford a gorgeous atmosphere.” – I tend to agree with him although I’m not sure what he means.

In accordance with the credit crunch a bestseller of Christmas cards in the UK are of the ‘Great Depression’. They depict 1930’s photos with scenes such as a man eating free grub saying ‘I hope you like soup’. Another of an OAP saying, ‘I sold my spleen to pay the mortgage’. Artist Andrew Sharrif said, “Humour is essential to make it through tough times.” – He says raking it in.

In these hardy days of long nights folk are it seems doing it more – Durex sales have gone up 10% in the UK, France, Eastern Europe, Russia and China. Asda (supermarket in UK) has also confirmed sales of ‘Johnny’ up by 9%. A spokesman said, “Our conclusion is that people are staying in more and romancing rather than getting a table for two at a restaurant. Further proof is our tea light candles are up 50%, champagne 20% and oysters 8% and slippers and dressing gowns 22%.” – And that’s your proof that folk are shagging more; because they can’t afford electricity, are celebrating Christmas and have prepared themselves for the cold snap.

Those that have no need to invest in a dunky need look no farther than Ed Houben, who is Dutch and Europe’s biggest sperm donor, at wait for it… 46 fathered children. And not once did he dip his todger into the mum’s fury cup. People look him up on the internet or spread his attributes by word of mouth! From couples, lesbo’s and single mum’s; he crosses the borders of Europe knocks one out in a hotel room then bolts back to Maastricht. He says, I do it because I know how hard it is for people who desperately want a child.” – But remember, they’re for life, not just Christmas.

Ok, I’d better wrap this up and keeping in tune, here’s a feel good story about Jonathan the tortoise who is 176 years-old and still shagging. Experts have studied photos of him from the Boer War where a prisoner of war is standing next to him on the British colony of St Helena. The photo is from 1900, but old Johnny is thought to have been 70 years-old by then. A spokesman from the St. Helena tourist board said, “Jonathan is the sole survivor of three tortoises that came to St. Helena. He was already mature and at least 50 when we got him. That makes him at least 176. He lives on the grounds of Plantation House – the Governors residence – with five younger tortoises, including three females.” – Which he still regularly mates. His mates are David, Speedy, Emma, Frederick and Myrtle – can you guess the third female. Incidentally Napoleon was sent to St. Helena in 1815, he died there in 1821 and the Vietnamese eat tortoises!