Crazy Fool's Newsround - 28th May - 3rd June 2010 volume 382

28th May - 3rd June 2010 volume 382
June, 02nd 2010 14:27 PM

“I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together

See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly

I’m crying”

(The Beatles)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 3.6.10

For the 1^st Battalion Royal Welsh

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

That’s me in the corner

New Zealand Prime Minister John Key confessed to saying ‘probably too much’ at a press conference this week concerning early childhood education.

When asked if he would send his children to a fund-cut school he replied his 15 and 17 year-olds would probably have a ‘meltdown’ at the thought, but when quizzed further if his wife Bronagh were to have another child would they consider it.

He replied, “I’d be extremely worried, because I’ve had a vasectomy.” After a brief silent pause he continued, “Probably too much information for a press conference.” A further pause was followed by “Boy that’s slowed things down. Any other question?”

“Did it hurt?” Came a tentative reply

If we’ve learnt anything, it’s that politicians will go to great lengths avoiding the subject.

Here’s how it works…

I am you and you are me…

Dr Walter Watson on the other hand has delivered 18,000 babies, not all at once, nor to the same woman, I hasten to add.

Walter is 100 and still going strong in Augusta Georgia US, although he suffers from twangs of arthritis and his eyesight isn’t what it used to be.

“You’ve got a beautiful baby walrus Mrs Lennon, goo goo ga choo.” He said to his last patient.

Moving on…

Britain’s oldest dad of twins is to be a dad again. Richard Roden is 72 and already has three kids with his wife Lisa 26. He also has 10 Roden’s from previous bouts. He puts it down to his home grown root vegetables… it’s too late to tell him otherwise now!

Meanwhile, American Tom Lambert from Louisiana is the oldest known man to bolster twins at the ripe old age of 78; that was back in March 1948 when lynching and picnics and freak shows were rife… argh, happy days.

Long tails

Werewolves are expressing themselves in schools across the US. Kids have taken to wearing ‘wolf’ contact lenses, fangs and a swishing tail.

The ‘packs’ have been given approval by headmasters and parents who both agree it is harmless. One mother said, “It takes courage to stand up and be who you want to be.”

‘I want to be a fire engine.’ Said Mickey Michaels from The League of Gentlemen in one episode

Meanwhile 23 year-old Wolfie Blackheart is damaging the Werewolves cause, after she posted pictures on the net of her boiling a dogs head. In her defence she said she found the dog, which was already dead adding, “I would never kill a canine. I am a canine.” – As she proved by humping the policeman’s leg

Mind you, head shrinking doesn’t work if you put it in the washing machine either, as Lindsay Rogers from Manly near Sydney, Australia found out after her four month-old Persian kitten crawled in with the clothes and went to sleep. Un wittingly Lindsay stuck her on a cold spin for thirty minutes and was surprised to find her still alive, if not a tad cleaner.

She said, “When I opened the door it went, ‘Meow’ and stuck its head out. I couldn’t believe it – the spin cycle goes really fast.”

What did she expect it to say, “Im gonna sue, you bitch.”

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Dead or Alive were mates of my mate who came from Liverpool who lived in South Africa – fact.”

Stephen Sparks 41 proposed to his girlfriend Carolyn Payne on a tour of London’s Victorian sewers. When the guide asked, ‘Does anyone have any questions?’ He piped up, ‘Yes, I have…’ Then got down on one knee, and suddenly realised he will probably be forever in the shit.

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: BEER COMPASS – The invisible devise that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here and where you come from.

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder)

All rise

The Queen wants a 7 figure pay rise – Give it to her, she deserves it.

Prince Harry is King of Cool according to Britain’s GQ magazine. Candidates needed to be no more than 37 and half and possess ‘an enviable sense of savoir faire, a talent for transforming the mundane into the extraordinary, or a really edgy haircut.’ – Harry’s a soldier, ambassador, polo player and playboy.

But he’s not Homer Simpson who is America’s favourite TV and film character from the past twenty years.

Nor is he Julia Cruise who is the world’s most tattooed woman. With 95% of her body covered in ink, Julia originally went in a parlour to cover scars from blistering caused by a skin disease called porphyry.

Now she’s a 55 year-old tattoo junkie with jungle scenes, cartoons and the whole cast of Bewitched on her bum. I’d like to see that… not her bum, Bewitched, because it has that bloke in it who does the voice for, ‘it’s the w-o-l-f, it’s the w-o-l-f.’ – I wonder if they still get royalties for that show?

Sauce

When Harrods changed hands recently it seems likely that some of their savoir faire was lost in the bargain. Their bigwigs have told roadside greasy spoon café; Hollands in Riverhall End Essex that they cannot use that name because it starts with ‘H’ and ends in ‘ds’.

Owners Nigel and Leyla Holland said, ‘But it’s a roadside greasy spoon café called Hollands!’

Harrods refused to comment. I’m now desperately trying to think of other places or names starting with ‘H’ and ending in ‘ds’ but I haven’t got time to sit around doing this – I’ve got this to tell you…

It aint broke till you’ve fixed it

People I’d like to shoot

James Bond’s Austin Martin DB5 is up for grabs, if you’ve got a cool £4m? It comes with all the gadgets; ejector seat, well, the button at least, ejector seats are illegal, front loaded .30 Browning machine guns powered by oxy/propane system in the boot, no real bullets of course, as they are illegal, battering rams on the bumpers, wheel mounted tyre slicers, retractable bullet proof screen and an oil slick sprayer – all legal in all Bond cars except the oil slick sprayer on the Lotus Esprit Turbo in the Spy Who Loved Me, as the tree huggers get upset.

Don’t forget the revolving number plates, they revolve. This 150mph GT package was first bought for £8k by American DJ Jerry Lee in 1969. He drove it for a bit then locked it in his garage with other Bond bits and bobs that he never used or looked at again. There’s only 30k on the clock and two careful owners.

Peter Haynes from RM Auctions said, “The machine guns obviously do not work but you can still press a button and move them into position, which would look cool in the high street.”

I know who I would point them at…

My ex headmaster!

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz