That was the week weren't it:

The scene: David Blaine is attempting to escape from a 3ft jam jar full of jam...no...water...no, jam, infested with pirannahas. He has only 7 minutes to hold his breathe or 30 seconds before he is devoured, as the fish wade menacingly through the gunk. fool, is Blaine's new assistant, who's job it is, is to break the glass in case of an emergency. He stands by with a 14lb sledge hammer. The drum's roll, the audience silences Blaine steps in the jar.

Chris Angel: (Who is watching in the wings of the auditorium whispers), Psst, fool, that'll never do the trick, do yourself a favour and get yourself to the quartermasters and ask for a glass hammer and a long weight.

fool: (Seduced by the mastery advice winks, taps his nose and races off mumbling to himself) You gotta hand it to them; those magicians look out for each other

Narrator: Best thing that ever happened to him - Roll the quiz...quickly, before he comes round:

breathe in the air

1. Can you name three songs with the word magic in the title?

2. Which Broadway musical was the first to organise nudes on stage?

3. What is the capital of the US state Mississippi?

4. If A is Alpha B is Bravo what is K?

5. A Batavia is a variety of what?

6. What currency do they use in Pakistan?

7. Who would use a fyke?

8. Who was the Greek God of wine, fertility and ecstasy? A) Dionysus B) Liber C) Bacchus

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page - or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com  if you think you know the answers. (same address as the contacts button)

WHO AM I?  Lights went out in Vegas, Oil drilling ceased to happen in Azerbahjohn and Macy Gray still hasn't come home to her kids after promising only to record one song - such was the grip on a collective global bemusement, as fool's WAI was snapped at, toyed with, grappled by the short and nearly's, but nay, let to swim another day - yes folks, we're into round 2! Just to remind you here was clue No.1: "When the balmy Californian heat gets too much I tend to take a bat from my car and go and bash up some baddies and make out vigilantilism is just a way to let off steam." - Some creditable answers but alas, no cigars. Onto clue No.2: "After picking myself up again I landed myself a right little beauty."

is it me?

Scores at the end of week 13 in the 2008 series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in. And for the hard of hearing SUB POINTS ARE IN THE BRACKETS

Dracule: 8 (1)

Legal Eagle: 5 (none)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Marc the quiz king: not off the ground in this comp yet (nipple)

Casualty: zippo - dippo (zilch-o)

Others: is there anybody out there...out there...                  (only me)

*Non-descript trivia moment*

HOLALPHABETIC SENTENCES

(Just a couple. And for those that are stupid, it means sentences using all the letters from the alphabet)

We promptly judged antique ivory buckles for the next prize

Sixty zippers were quickly picked from the woven jute bag

fool's Gold

• The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"

• Kylie Minogue is the most groped waxwork at Madame Tussauds

• The herring is the most widely eaten fish in the world

Dr. Phil O'logy: our Wordman's word of the week:

G-STRING

1878, geestring was the English word developed to refer to the "loincloth worn by American Indian," originally the string that holds "it" up, Yes ladies - the original G-STRINGS were intended for men!. The spelling with G (1891) is from the influence of a violin string tuned to a G (in this sense G string is first recorded 1831). First used of women's attire 1936, with reference to strip-teasers. Dr. Phil hopes the strippers material was a little more hygienic and comfortable than the cat gut used in violin strings.

Gee, Thanks Dr. Phil.

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito, wine by the bucket. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon, Vietnam this side of Spain. - Which is just to the right of Vietnam - I think!

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. - Particularly like the new sand-pits dude.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy. P.s. Can't wait for the new recipe book too! - How was Morocco?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD:  This week I've been eating my steak with beans - "More beans Mr. Taggart? I think you've had quite enough son!" They're in the*classifieds. Call them for their meat list - they deliver - they're great - available in Saigon, Vietnam now. Check out their meat on kimhai@media.net.vn

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Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye - look out for their superb long-lunch deals - they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. The ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, what's on in cfn this week? - Don't forget...There's a lot more in the menu on the left.

*Digger; got all the news you need to know about the going's on in this week's AFL

*Trigger:  double your money - try to get rich

cf's new radio show: - Next show out in... oh sod it, it's coming ok - hold on to your flab. - Maybe April! - Honestly, it's coming...

*Tit-bits - A couple take in a/...A Taliban/...

*New edition -Vic Bitter's 70's music memoirs and a few songs to play off to

*Grub-Up - * New* -with Nigella Lawson's prawns, Vietnamese sauce and black rice - it's hot.

Poetry Corner: Reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment - try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ  ♫...new one here too - soon!

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman - Read all the Fishman's tails in On The Pond, Feb ‘08'

And *Bongo Massif Bro's - You rock. - Don't forget their marmalade session on crazy fool's radio show coming soon - don't miss em, they rock.

Mr. Meaner... park, 3 o'clock, bring your mates!

It's a ruggerflyby time; and just what did happen this week?

What have we got? We got the lot...

We've got a round up of the Super 14's round seven, with a brief sniff at round eight, followed by some quarters talk in the HC, anchored by a splash of shorts and if you tally the sell out crowds and divide by rugby you get bacon rolls! - That is according to Saracens Chief Exec, Mark Sinderberry anyway.

Let's start with the 14's; and Nick Evans' drop goal denied the Bulls a victory, but at least we saw them (Bulls) playing something like their old selves - Blues 23-21 Bulls.

The Pretorians improved ten-fold for the season on this game alone and it showed in the 3-2 try count, however, with some very dubious decisions.

Flavell and Habana had their moment, with a great chase back and tackle from the speedster, forcing a TMO decision, who eventually gave the try, but on hindsight should have blown up for two movements.

Their second try by Mealamu wasn't much better, as centre Isaisa Toeava blocked a Bull player which helped the hooker to go in over the line untouched. How many prepositions in that - go, in over!

The Chiefs beat the Highlanders 39-24 in Waikato, Hamilton. And scrum half Brendan Leonardo's bald head continues to shine, as he snapped up a floored ball, ran it under the posts to score, and set up another.

The Highlanders came back in snippets of great play, with Fetu'u Vainikolo, (means ‘star'), on good form, but it was the Chiefs flyer Lelia Masaga who shone brightest in this game, with speed and strength. (Lelia means Lelia)

Over in the Shark-tank the Sharks beat the Reds 22-10, making their tally six from six. Their slow and sure squeeze on the game finally told, but those Reds like to run eh.

David Croft the Reds flanker, another baldy, had a cracker and was all over the paddock causing havoc and destruction everywhere he went combined with some skilful attacks, especially the pacey run that saw him leave Pieterson for dead as ran around him to score late in the first half.

Latham, as always played like two men.

The Tah's made hard work of beating the Cheetahs 23-19, and despite the MB's getting yet another losing bonus point they still haven't notched their first win in 2008.

But I suppose when you miss 25 tackles you don't deserve to win, or get the token bonus point as fool and Bloke Down the Pub thinks.

The fool's favourite, the Force went down at home to Capetonians the Stormers 16-32, in what was a pretty crap effort by the boys in blue.

A bag of forced errors by a sterling Storm-ing defence denied victory for Nathan Sharpe's 100^th S14 game - that and the Force forwards were in big trouble in the scrums and lineouts, losing no less than six of their own throws - scandalous!

That coupled with a Gcobami Bobo drop ball from a certain try by the Stormers centre lost the fool more fantasy points, as his afternoon went rapidly down hill.

Nevertheless, the Stormers did supply the try of the weekend, from the very first kick-off in fact; it went to the loosey's who sucked in the Force's midfield defence, and three quick phases later it was spun wide to Conrad Jontiques who pipped a chip-kick to a very quick Chavanga and Bob was your uncle and Fanny your aunt! - You don't need new laws for that.

Finally, the Crusaders beat the Hurricanes 20-13 at a sell-out Westpac Stadium, in what was and is, always billed as the game of the season in Long White Cloud-land, except for the fact that the Canes have lost 3 out of their last 16 encounters!

But leaving that aside, Peri Weepu or as Dr Phil calls him Piss Shit, says this about this week's game, "I guess we're lucky to play the Sharks here, because when you play them in Durban they're so hard to beat." - Good luck.

The Heineken Cup goes Fourth:

We're heading into quarter final territory now and it seems that all grounds look to be a sell out. For Saracens it's their first sell out in the history of the Club, which has been going since about the 12^th century!

Saracens play Ospreys and Sarries chief exec Mark Sinderberry outlines the importance of the situation, "We have heard stories of supporters returning early from their honeymoon to be there on Sunday, others have to leave Wales well before dawn and some are even flying in from France and Ireland to see the match live. Cafes are bracing themselves for a memorable run of bacon rolls." - I knew we'd get there.

Gloucester meet Munster at Kingsholm, and although they (Glouc) had a cracking first half of the season their second has somewhat petered out, even losing to Worcester 17-14 last weekend, nevertheless they do have Mike Tindall back on the bench after his torn liver! - We've all been there.

Cardiff Blues go to Toulouse, which they will, other than that it really is a lovely part of the world. They will play at their Stade Municipal.

Gareth Thomas, goes back to his old Club in the Basque region knowing the French outfit are a very hard team to beat at home, but he's in a buoyant mood, "We are quietly confident." - Well obviously not that quiet, we know about it.

Meanwhile Toulouse's scrum half Jean-Baptiste Elissalde is ready for ‘war' and says coming off their weekend's 12-6 win over hard-nosed Biarritz has put them in good stead, declaring, "It will be very Anglo-Saxon, very ‘British' and very intense."

Lastly London Irish take on another French Med side in Perpignan and Brian Smith their coach is coy about their chances, comparing them to Bristol, whom they recently beat; "Bristol are a lumpy physical side like Perpignan and we coped very efficiently. Still, we need to go up by at least 25%."

Put your money on Ospreys, Munster, Toulouse and Perpignan.

Shorts:

Martin Johnson will only take the England managerial job if he has sole power, no committee to answer to and selects his team and his coaches - what's he want, he wants the lot.

Shaun Edwards says, "I'm glad that what's happening with England is none of my business."

Phil Vickery, who is sweating on his own job, has stuck up for the limbo-ed Brian Ashton, "Brian could go and win a Test series in New Zealand in the summer and something would still be wrong."

The saga continues - saga is an old Norse word, it means tale - get that Dr. Phil?

Meanwhile on the other side of the world Ewen McKenzie is getting the tin-tack from the Tah's at the end of the season, after five years at the club, which lays to rest any rumours, as he says, "The good thing about this announcement today is that it puts to bed the innuendo in the press that has unfairly distracted the team for weeks." - Do you think he meant to say that!

Ok, Rueben Thorne 33 is off to Yamaha Club in Japan, and did you know he's married to Andrew Merhtans sister - everyone there is related - it's like Pitcairn fucking Island!

Lastly, New Zealand got a five year monkey off their back by winning the Hong Kong 7's, beating a dire MB team 24-12.

Captain DJ Forbes said, "This team will be remembered - we made history." - I think Gordon Teitans will be remembered.

So too will England's Ben Gollings as he is still the world's leading 7's score with 1,700-oddd, 400-odd more than legend Waisale Serevi!

 John Smit's bloody on going films where the villain is played by a Brit, XV - : Will be finished in 2008!

• 15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool's thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. 1.

Other results: 

Some Heineken Cups: no results but the quarters are this weekend

Some Internationals: not till June - don't you listen

England EDF Trophy: told you last week

England Prem; L Irish 28-8 Bristol/...Leicester 19-24 Wasps/...Harlequins 15-9 Newcastle/...Sale 22-6 Bath

France; Pro D2 11eme:

France Top 14: Perpignan 10-7 Borgoin/...Toulouse 12-6 Biarritz/...Clermont 52-17 Albi

Ireland's AIL level 1; Greystones 15- 38 UL Bohemians

Italy; Coppa de Italia: I dunno-a

Japan Top League: Haiiii Ya

Magners League: Newport-Gwent Dragons 14-20 Glasgow

Scotland's premiership: Dundee HSFP 17-17 Ayr

Super 14's: think you got em all

Netherlands: pass de duchy pan de left hand side

Spain's Div D Honour 11: no one expects the...

Principality Building Society prem: Swansea 27-17 Aberavon

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

India's Vierender Sehwag 29 recorded the world's fastest triple century with 309 off 278 balls, with 42 fours and five sixes on day three of the first Test against the MB's in Chennai this week.

Sehwag modestly said, "Captain Anil rhubarb Kumble told me I had to take responsibility." And, "The wicket was good and true...the ball was coming at the bat nicely."

Then he got a tad ahead of himself and declared, "I tried to play my shots because I knew if I played my shots I would get a triple century today." - Sure you did.

Meanwhile over the border, Pakistan's quickie Skoaib Akhtar 32 has been given a five year ban for criticising the PCB.

He's already on a two year ban for attacking team mate Mohammad Asif - he would - with a bat! He says, "I've always given 100 per cent for the national team."

Danish not bacon Kaneira has also been given a reprimand warning for speaking out of turn, which reminds me of a caption I saw in Private Eye today of Pakistani police arresting a man at a demonstration and he's saying, ‘what have I done?', To which they reply, ‘You're the lawyer you think of something.'

Ok, Shane Warne has retired from all first-class cricket, saying, "This was not an easy decision to make. Due to some exciting business opportunities I had to make this call."

Hampshire chairman Rod Bramsgrove sung from the rafters, "We have been hugely privileged to have enjoyed the unstinting loyalty of this living legend since 2000. Warney will be sorely missed but never forgotten."

And that's it for this week

Till next week...

Other sports:

Is Ricky Hatton going to fight Floyd Mayweather at Wembley next spring? Oscar De La Hoya's Golden Boy Promotions chief exec Richard Schaefer thinks so.

He says, "Floyd realises Hatton is the most beloved fighter in the world and he would make history by coming over to Wembley Stadium."

"For Ricky it's about challenges and it's the same for Floyd." - Hatton fights Juan Lazcano on 24^th May and Floyd fights Oscar in September.

Richard explains, "Floyd would have to get past Oscar first but he knows Ricky felt cheated in the first fight. He wants to show the victory was no fluke and that's his motivation." - Meanwhile he's pussy-footing around in some granny wrestling fest.

Meanwhile Aussie Danny Green 35 the WBA light-heavyweight champ has quit weeks before he was due to fight on 27^th April, stating, "The other day I woke up at 1a.m. and had a gut feeling it was time." - When you know, you know, he then went back to sleep.

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

A woman aged 57 was told her pregnancy was cancer and was diagnosed as having, ‘hard abdominal mass'. I'm getting a second opinion.

She got her eggs from a donor in Poland and paid £15000 for IVF treatment in Russia - one of the few places that offer the treatment for over 40's - you can get anything in Russia - I got VD!

By the way, the world's oldest lady to have a baby was Carmen Bousada, from Spain I think, aged 67 back in 2006, which makes her roughly 68 now, not sure about the bairn.

In Britain kids most hated vegetables are aubergines, 39% don't like them, which is 2% more than sprouts. Third least was celeriac, which I have no idea what is. Fourth was cabbage and fifth mange tout. The favourite was carrots. The survey was carried out by Heinz, who makes baked beans and spaghetti hoops!

This week we had ‘Fat Wednesday', the day when everyone eats around 4000 calories, nearly twice their normal load! It comes in the middle of a four week gap since the New Year diets and the beginning of dieting for the summer holidays. Unless of course you come from the southern hemisphere where it is totally unequatable.

One in ten Brits plans their social life around the telly. One in six turn down dates to watch the a programme and a fifth cut the night short to get home to be in front of the box.

A house with a toilet on the balcony and a bath in the kitchen has sold for £130,000 in Hove, Sussex, England - ‘Ooh me sprouts - that's hot!'

hot

cf's book club

Until it gets its own page, here's week's 1 - 12:

Starting with Week 2: Mark Hadden's - The Curious Incident With The Dog  in the night-time a rather curious tale about a demented kid! - rating: 4.

Week 1 (Confused now eh!) Ben Elton's; The First Casualty - If a word can paint a thousand pictures then Telly Savalas should have written this - rated in at 5.

For a number three spot on the board this week, fool is going to throw in The Essential Dave Allen; edited by Graham McCann - rated at 3 and curiously enough 4.

And in at No.4: Martin Johnson's autobiography; Good read, but I tell you what, it's all about 'me, me, me', 'I did this.' And, 'I did that...' - rating 4.

Week 5: The General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious PIRATES by Captain Charles Johnson - arghhh, a number 3.

In at week No.6 I'm going to add The Cortigo Romero Book of Recipes - to find out more click on Bootlace Holidays link on the right.- rating:3

Week 7: Forgotten Voices of the Great War by Max Arthur...a poignant tale of historical value told by dems dat were dere. Rated at a 4.

Week 8: Ben Elton's (again) Dead Famous - Wind yourself up to some non-credit wankers whom Ben manages to pin point with accurate precision. Particularly love the bitch character Geraldine Hennessey. Rated at 5.

Week 9: Horrible Histories; Rotten Romans - fantastic series for kids of all ages. Written by Terry Deary and illustrated by Matthew Brown...I think. Rated at 3

Week 10: Penguins Stopped Play eleven village cricketers take on the world by Harry Thompson - cricket at its best, in its quite essential way of course...no, fuck that - simply one of the most entertaining books fool's ever read, whether you like cricket or not. Rated in at 5

Week 11: Dispatches by Michael Herr - a war correspondents scribbles in the Vietnam/American war. A real insight. Rated at 3

Week 12: If I die in a Combat Zone by Tim O'Brien - another Nam yarn, but it does carry your woes into a levelled perspective. - rated 3.

The Ratings go as thus:

• 1. Gave it to an enemy. 2. Could not put it down so threw it out. 3. I read it. 4. Gave it to a friend. 5. Got it copied and selling it.

A gran aged 87 used a crutch to beat a hooker who failed to satisfy her 54 year-old son in Cologne, Germany, near O'dour.

Crazy Rock n roll capes part XXVII: none this week

One sausage or three rashers of bacon a day can risk bowel cancer by a fifth. So says the World Cancer Research Fund. Apparently it's got nothing to do with the pig-farming decline due to the rising costs of feeding the buggers. But applies to all processed meat or any meat preserved with salt or chemicals. The recommended intake of red meat a week is 17.6oz or 500g. Boff Prof Wisain, suggests, "The safest amount of processed meat in NONE." - Well you can stick that up your arse Boff Wisain.

According to music school Guitar X the best ever guitar riff of all time mate is Deep Purple's Stairway to Heaven, followed by Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit.

Peter Kay corner - very Cooper-esque; Universal truth: Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

Heathrow's new Terminal 5 has gone from worse to by buggery worse. The £4.3b building is a sham of a sham with endless grounded flights, lost baggage, escalators not working, check in staff who can't spell and a lady who was charged £361,514,97 for four cups of coffee - even so, the real price was £12, which is just as bad. If you want a good moan about British Airways read Penguins Stopped Play - see the book club

Right, let's get to the sauce:

Finland's foreign minister has been given the boot for sending over 200 saucy text messages to 29 year-old dancer Johanna Tukianieu of the Scandinavian Dolls erotic dance troupe. - Oh those Fins

Women can get an injection to give them better orgasms; it makes the G-spot swell! The G-shot uses collagen which swells the G-spot tripling sensitivity and thus creating multiple orgasms. It's comes in a jab from a local anaesthetic and takes eight seconds, costing £800. Hollywood celebs used to have G-shot parties. Would have been interesting at the testing clinic, where I can assure you plenty of rabbits were used and used and used.

F1 racing chief Max Mosley 67, son of Britain's notorious Nazi has not been sacked for his part in a seductive Nazi orgy with five girls, where he role-played an SS officer ordering the uniformed clad girls about in German and recorded it in a five hour video. He then dresses as a concentration camp victim and has his genitals inspected and his buttocks whipped till they bleed. British paper The News of the Screws uncovered the story, but FIA president says he can keep his job and that, "As far as the FIA are concerned, this is a matter between Mr. Mosley and the Newspaper." - Max has since remarked that the matter is ‘embarrassing' and that it was wrong to suggest some Nazi connotation to the matter.' - Won't be suing the paper the.

Lastly women in Copenhagen have won the right to go topless at public pools. The city's Culture and Leisure Committee voted overwhelmingly to grant any women, should they wish, whip out their lils at will - lucky will!

Frank Hedergaard of the Socialists Peoples Party said, "I cannot understand what some people find so offensive about women's breasts." - It's a different world isn't it.

This has been campaigned by a feminist group the Topless Front for over a year. One of its founders Astril Vay 20 said, "We women would like to decide by ourselves when our breasts should be sexual and when not." - Always.

They were inspired by Swedish group Just Breasts who posed full frontal marches last year near Stockholm - must have been chilly. Just Breasts now want to be allowed to take their tops off at football matches. 22 year-old Ragnhild Karlsson says, "We want our breasts to be as normal and de-sexualised as men's, so that we too can pull off our shirts at football matches." - Men will be pulling off more than that if you do. Apparently pools have been topless in Vancouver for years - personally I'd like to see a campaign for shaving the Canadian beaver. Sorry...save!

Sauce... have you had it today?

just cf it

cf