28th 0ct - 3rd nov 2011 volume 456
November, 02nd 2011 20:20 PM

“Pump it up until you can feel it

Pump it up when you don’t really need it”

(Elvis Costello)


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


  

That Was the Week… What a Week! - Saturday’s 1p.m. 92.75fm and around the globe on www.radioindochine.com

Also podcasted later on fool’s very own radio: http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 3.11.11                                           

For Elements of: 78 Squadron, Royal Air Force Regiment

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

I rest my case your Honour

Ex judge Donald Thompson has had his pension cut off after he was caught using a penis pump in court.

 

The judge used the sex device under his robe whilst seated at the bench in 2004 and received a 20 month sentence in 2006 where, ever since his monthly pension of $7,789 has been discounted.

 

A further two appeals by Mr. Thompson were denied, resulting in all pension funds being denied. Although he will still receive retirement benefits from his stint as state legislator from 1974 to 1980.

 

‘Court reporters observed the felonious exposure of Mr. Thompson’s private parts and testified to the fact during the criminal trial’, said the residing judge James Winchester at the ruling.

 

Had Mr. Thompson not evoked such a rush of blood to the head during the hearing he could have simply used Austin Powers’ full-proof denial of, ‘That’s not my bag baby’, but instead turned to the defence from old friend and Nationwide judge Willie Stroker who advised him to come clean.


All rise

Transsexual lesbians’ Jenny-Anne Bishop 65, previously Paul, and Elen Heart 68, previously Alan, became man and wife and wife and wife in a ceremony in Clwyd, Wales this week.

 

Jenny-Anne took the role of female following a boob job and feminisation surgery, whilst Elen’s role of ‘groomess’ was justified with similar chest implants, some herbal hormones and a quick shave.

 

The couple run a refuge for transgender people where they offer ‘trans-awareness’ training to public services such as the police and councils. They also encourage other transgender couples to celebrate their relationships and uniqueness.

 

Meanwhile Chris Tina Bruce is a transgender bodybuilder and will compete in the same competition in San Diego this week as a woman, as she did 20 years ago as a man then called Chris Gary Bruce.

 

Although Chris is more at home in comfortable shoes she says she’s not really girly, as she likes to race cars and loves football and admits, ‘I may be a third hybrid’.

 

Perhaps we should let Willie Stroker be the judge of that.


 

Royalty stakes a claim

Prince Charles is related to Vlad the Impaler; the 15th century Romanian warlord who inspired Bram Stoker’s Dracula in 1897.

 

The monarch in waiting revealed his lineage on a TV show about protecting the forest in the Romanian Transylvania region, stating it is a national treasure, with an unspoiled landscape accompanied with centuries-old rural farming traditions, such as ploughing a 15ft stake through the hearts of insubordinate peasants who didn’t pay their taxes. He now plans to take similar measures to the properties he owns in Highgate.


 

 (sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘By the belching banality of Beelzebub’s breeches did scurry the wind of balderdash and tosh. Ghosts, ghouls, vampires and claptrap; it’s all available at most reasonably sized retail outlets ready to brim our cups of vanquished ideologies that have sped through the ages on horses ridden by not one of the four horsemen of apocalypse, but black finger-nailed puppets of the macabre. Alice Cooper, now takes tea with the Queen, Iggy Pop, stopped self mutilating to sell insurance on TV and Judas Priest designs golf courses somewhere in the Midlands, UK – not sure where, because when I went to look for him in the summer I got the wrong address and when I asked a devil-checked trousered walk-spoiler if the owner, Judas himself, was around he looked at me kind of funny. Nevertheless, one soul destroyer of conformatism and rebel rouster of irregularities was plain cuckoo in the belief that he actually was Satan, until his wife told him was probably just drunk and he’ll be alright in the morning. A mere 146000 mornings later did he take heed and realise he was just a bloke from Birmingham who had a rather large hit back in 1971, to which he pointed out to me the other day over tea and scones in a tuk tuk we shared home from the bingo, that paranoia only hit him when he realised that he wasn’t in fact the devil he knew. And so for this week’s Get It Off Your Chest Request we grant Ozzy’s wish and play for him a timeless tune…

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website and radio!)

 

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘The hair’s real, it’s the head that’s fake.’ – Steve Allen

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘I went on a drinking man’s diet. You just drink and drink and drink until you fall over. How do you lose weight? Trying to get up!’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

There’s always the www.coreyashcroft.co.uk appeal – check it out

 

Don’t forget the classifieds pages – updated weekly


crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…


www.highstylecondominium.com

 

fool’s gold; now available on his radio show - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php and 92.75fm - www.radioindochine.com

 

Animal news


 

*A dog who swallowed nine snooker balls won the wackiest animal x-ray competition featured in US magazine Veterinary Practice News. Other entries were a dog that ate false teeth, another who got to grips with a whole tube of glue, which filled its stomach, a duck that likes nails and a kitten that swallowed a guitar string. Elisa Jordan from the vet rag said, ‘we’ve been doing this contest for a few years now and we realise it’s not a good idea to say, ‘Now we’ve seen everything’.’ – Well, perhaps when we see an elephant fly, we can.

 

*An Argentinean fisherman hooked a wolf-fish which had three eyes. The mutated fish was snagged in a reservoir next to a power plant in Cordoba this week. Authorities have asked to talk to Homer Simpson.

 

*To find out more of fool’s slant on animal news, such as; the deer in the python, the woman in the horse and the eagle in the head, tune into fool’s radio show this Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm and around the world on www.radioindochine.com – podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk (http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php)

 

Number crunching


 

*Men are three times more likely to say, ‘I love you’, according psychologist Marisa Harrison from the Pennsylvania State University in US. Following a study of 172 college students Marisa noted, ‘it can be argued that men falling in love and exclaiming this love may be a by-product of them equating love with sexual desire.’ However, she concludes, ‘research shows passionate love and sexual desire are distinctly different mechanisms.’ – Should their wooing succeed they could take their love to a hotel made entirely of salt on the Bolivian salt flats at a mere £84 a night. Everything is made of salt; the walls, ceilings, tables, chairs and even beds, which will always get salty in one way or another.

 

*Half of Britons under 40 can’t bleed a radiator. A study by British Gas blamed the mild winters of the ‘80’s and ‘90’s. Further home maintenance studies found 75% don’t know how to check the pressure on a boiler and 81% cannot fix a frozen pipe. This generation has been dubbed, ‘Born to be mild’.

 

*The largest coin in the world is 31 inches wide and 4.7 inches thick. It weighs 2,231lb’s and is 99.99% pure gold. The Perth Mint in Western Australia knocked out the A$53.5million coin, which took 18 months to make, for the Commonwealth heads of Government meeting. On one side is Queen Liz and the other a leaping kangaroo. Perth’s mint opened in 1899 following the gold rush.

 

*Only 3% of retired folk in the UK and US want to live with their children. The highest rate was in India at 32%.

 

*In Burton-on-Trent in the UK you can get eau-de-Burton perfume consisting of the familiar aromatic odours of beer and marmite. Victoria Brookes has made the Christmas novelty scent in honour of the hop fields surrounding Burton where their famous Ambra beer hails from. It also denotes a hint of leather depicting the local makers of Albion football boots and balls plus the familiar reek of Branston pickle and marmite, which are all products of Burton and conjure the sweet smell of home.

 

*A Sicilian women received a parking ticket for $44,500 this week. When her husband made inquiries the officer who gave the ticket realised he put the year 208 instead of 2008 on the bill and the fine of $144 was promptly paid.

 

*Lastly, Jimmy Saville died this week aged 84. The British pop icon introduced Top of the Pops back in 1964 and spun the last show in 2006. The former Leeds coal minor known for his jingly bling and having claimed to invent Djing was probably better known for his Jim’ll Fix It show, which ran from ’75-’83. More uplifting was his 40million quid he raised for charities and the 217 marathons he ran, plus the 300 professional bike rides and 107 wrestling matches he took part in. A confirmed bachelor, he said he did give a relationship a go once; ‘I tried but the longest I lasted was 11.5 minutes, but I really tried. I’d made my mind up after nine.’

 

More numbers to crunch, cheese to discuss and fool’s gold on; fool’s radio show – That Was the Week… What a Week - Saturday 1p.m. on 92.75fm local Phuket radio and worldwide on www.radioindochine.com Saturday’s 1p.m. straight after Big Dan’s Sports Centre show. (Podcasted later on fool’s very own radio page on www.cfnr.co.uk - http://www.cfnr.co.uk/music.php)

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf


 

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