27th may - 2nd June 2011 volume 434
June, 01st 2011 18:57 PM

“My world keeps a tumblin’ down

Spellbound”

(AC/DC)


 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!


Click on this logo in home page – good one this week; local lass – The One With Thea

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 2.6.11                                           

For Elements of: Elements of Headquarters Allied Rapid Reaction Corps Support Battalion

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

All rise please…

A lawyer has objected the presence of a woman in court on account of her boobs being too big.

 

Thomas Gooch from Chicago told the Cook County Circuit Judge Anita Pitkin-Caruthers that the said lady’s boobs put him off and, ‘drew attention of the jury away from relevant proceedings.’

 

Thomas’s beef stems from the buxom culprit, Danielle Aternia, not being a qualified paralegal, stating, ‘Personally I like large breasts. However, I object to somebody I don’t think is a qualified paralegal sitting on the council table – when there is already two lawyers there – dressed in such a fashion to call attention to herself.’

 

 Whilst he requests she be sent to the public gallery, the claims award dispute for faulty air-bags on a rental car continues.


Something’s missing




Like waiting for a London bus… then three come at once

In a bid to move their air bags to the UK - US tour bus, Girls Gone Wild, has been met by strong opposition from many towns.

 

The tour bus, which is documented by Mantra Films, rallies girls to strip in public then hop on the bus for sex. The household brand in the States, polled towns in the UK asking fans to vote where the bus should stop. Party town Newcastle were first on their list, however not all agree. One MP said,

 

‘They approach young women, many of them intoxicated, in public places and encourage them to expose their breasts, simulate sex acts and have sex on camera in exchange for Girls Gone Wild merchandise.’ – ‘The danger potential is enormous in the name of entertainment.’

 

A spokesman from the ‘tour company’ said, ‘We are really excited about bringing the brand and the roadshow to the UK and we expect British young men and women to have a fantastic time at the events which are really for celebration of freedom and youthful expression.’

 

Next stop Pratts Bottom; those going all the way pleased be advised refreshments are at the back.


 

Causing a stink

India’s Ministry for Information and Broadcasting want to ban TV adverts of certain deodorants for being, ‘overtly sexual’.

 

Following lurid connotations from Axe and Addiction, Wild Stone portrays a woman carrying food at a family get together when she brushes past a man and gets a whiff of his scent. The next minute she emerges from a bedroom with him, her hair tussled and sari in a tangle.

 

A spokesman from the ministry said ‘it brims with messages aimed at tickling the libidinous male instincts and portrayal of women as lustily hankering after man under the influence of such deodorants.’

 



 

fool has the same problem with his bottled Man Sweat, not unlike artist Cherry Tree who has turned her own urine into perfume using methods borrowed from her brother’s distillery business.

 

Cherry first tried it out in 2006; ‘It was the first morning after a full moon. And I decided to collect my urine in a perfume bottle.’

 

She has since become fascinated by the smell, explaining it was really good after eating honey but pretty rancid after chicken.

 

Cherry’s marketing breakthrough came after she equated the fact that musk comes from the area between the stomach and genitals of a deer and everyone said, ‘well, that’s ok then’.

 

‘I have a close relationship to my urine. I’ve done it all my life.’ She said in an artistic manner that reeked of musty overtones.

 

What next…


Battle of the sexes

In Latvia the March of the Blondes took place this week, which is now in its third year. Participants are encouraged to enter the Marilyn Monroe look-a-likes and join in a pink fashion show.

 

500 blondes from all over the world took part in the parade with 15 this year coming from New Zealand, seven from Finland and 32 from Lithuania.

 

- Which is probably why in Lithuania they have to celebrate their National Man’s Day on their alone. The NMD includes a swimming race down the Naira River using a blow up doll as a raft.

 

Of the 200 registered, the entries were whittled down to 20. Winner Luidas Pestininkes, riding on ‘Vaida’ said, ‘Vaida is a very good girl and only listens to me. She’s cool. Other participants don’t have dolls as cool as mine.’

 

However, if you want to get a-head in the battle of the sexes then a Canadian research suggests men should act more broody, whilst women show a tad more shame.

 

Jessica Tracy from the psychological department of the University of British Colombia explained that men who smile too much come across, ‘too feminine and desperate for sex.’

 

Tracy suggests the James Dean approach is the go, saying, ‘Guys who are flawed but know it and are tortured by it. A slightly downcast expression of shame is an apparent gesture that hints at a need for sympathy - this generally works.’

 

As for women; ‘Men do find sexual attractiveness in women whose expressions and body language hinted at shame.’ – Argh, bless.

 

According to 331,013 men surveyed by eHarmony they said they would like their women to have male humour with traits akin to, sarcasm, to be juvenile, geeky and raw… can you get chips with that? (no, I don’t get it either… perhaps I should change my deodorant)


If the same could be said vice-versa then Vivid Entertainment’s new film The Incredible Hulk: An XXX Porn Parody, should be right up their alley.

 

Porn star Dale DaBone who plays Bruce Banner says he’s been in many movies where he’s had to use lots of make-up; ‘when they think of prosthetics, they call me,’ he said, ‘However, the make-up doesn’t stand up to a BJ.’ – He confirmed.


 

 

Who’s mate?

On that note I think we should move on and talk about how Denmark has made Marmite illegal.

 

 - Along with Rice Crispies, Shreddies, Horlicks and Ovaltine - all because their added vitamins may contain a health risk… of… yes, you guessed it - too many vitamins.

 

In the beaurocratic kafuffle that pursued, expat, Lindsey Joseph said, ‘If they want to take my Marmite they’ll have to wrench it from my cold dead hands.’

 

A spokesman from the Danish Veterinaries and Food Administration said, ‘I cannot comment on the Marmite case because our expert is away until Thursday.’


 (Quick sponsor ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Gill Scott Heron said, ‘a knife, a fork, a bottle and a cork, that’s the way you spell New York… right on…’ – which wasn’t a bad case of dyslexia but a state of mind induced by how much grass he smoked. Nevertheless bless the old/ young fella who passed away this week aged 68, for he gave us many a fine tune. Perhaps it was one of Bruce Banner’s leading ladies that was dickslicksick after a night on the green… hold on, ignore all that, because I’ve just realised Dillinger sang that song, and that’s the one I wanted to play, but for some reason always thought it was Gil’s – no offence to you Gil, but I’ve played enough of your songs… hang on, or was he 62?...’

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

What they’ve recently said: ‘It’s 5-0 because Hawaii is the 50th state of the United States. Book him, Danno.’ – Bloke down the pub… but not the original Bloke Down the Pub, but another bloke down the pub.

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘You know my memory’s terrible. I cut myself shaving today and forgot to bleed’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP…

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…

 


 

 

 

Wanna buy a condo?

www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news


*Pig farmer Tem Sasa put an advert to sell her dog in her local paper in Lancashire; ‘Evil Bob would love to find the perfect home, as I have put up with him for nearly 10 years and I can’t take much more. He is probably the worst dog you will ever meet. He started life as a failed mountain rescue dog – probably peed on the climber and stole their Kendal mint cake. He has caused nothing but trouble here as he doesn’t fit in with a large group of dogs. He looks older than his years, has wonky teeth, bad breath and a bad attitude. He is terrified of cats, snaps at horses heels and nips pigs. He shouldn’t be left unsupervised indoors as he steals food off the side, licks the cooker and pees at a terrier height so as not to get the blame.’ – Any bad points we should know about?

 

 

Number crunching


 

*Only known as the Dead Cert Man, an anonymous punter has backed 23 wins on the trot amassing £131,000. Believed to be a world record the 33 year-old, that would rather not be named, he only bets on clear favourites sticking to mainly tennis and boxing. On his first bet he staked £8,500 on a tennis match and had a return of £795.45. His highest bet was £96k with a £6k return.

 

*Firemen in the UK have spent £3.5m in the past 3 years rescuing anything from a snail, to ducks to a cow. In total 17,000 animals have been rescued; 2,400 cats, 2,180 dogs, 1,700 horses, 2,090 birds, which included 1,244 seagulls, 159 pigeons, 57 swans, 12 parrots – 26 foxes, 19 squirrels, 7 ferrets, 7 badgers, 10 hamsters, 15 snakes, 11 fish and 7 dolphins… I notice it didn’t mention how many ducks – this report is flawed.

 

*To be honest, I’m just about done here, but I’ll leave you with the sale of the plan for the Titanic that was used in the subsequent inquiry following the sinking, which sold for £220, 00. The 33ft canvass cross section of the ship was commissioned by the Board of Trade and spent 36 days used as evidence before being locked away in someone’s back room. It’s a drab story I know, but I just wanted a link to play our with Drowned by The Who…

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page

 

p.p.s. sport is back – good one this week – and a mild PotDQT with slight Fras showers will return shortly!

 

 


Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz


 

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