Crazy Fool's Newsround - 27th March - 2nd April 09 volume 323

27th March - 2nd April 09 volume 323
April, 02nd 2009 05:20 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: Althia and Donna are singing “Up Town Top Ranking” on the kitchen wireless of Robert Diniro’s flat in Tulse Hill, South East London when fool interrupts the balmy summer tune with a news flash

fool: We interrupt this balmy summer tune with a news flash…

Diniro: You interrupting me?

fool: Never, no, who me? Interrupt? No. No. No, no, no. Wouldn’t dream of it. Ha, no news here. You carry on

(scratch, screech, shriek the record jumps to Bee Gee’s – ‘I just gotta get a message to you, Oh Lord, Oh my …)

Narrator: Phew, that was close. Shan’t bother with the shipping forecast. Over to you, question 1:

1. Brits call them flip-flops, Aussies call then thongs, what do South Africans call them?

2. What was Sebastian Melmoth’s real name?

3. Which US state is known as the Diamond state?

4. What is the only English anagram of OMNIMISSIBLE?

5. What is the opposite of occidental?

6. Which film tough guy once said, “I look like a quarry that someone has dynamited.”?

7. What is another name for the scaly anteater?

8. What condition would you have if you have hypermetropia? A) Longsightedness B) High blood pressure C) Erratic heartbeat

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Slap my thighs and call me a dingo. If this one hasn’t got you then my name isn’t Edwina Curry, who by gum golly was the bird/thing I was trying to think of the other day who used to shag John Major, but have now forgotten who I was talking to about it so no more delay, and definitely no more pork scratching’s nor eating pie before bed-time so let’s give you clue No.1 again followed sharply (sound of Starsky’s car screeching into an alley) by clue No.2: Clue No.1: “A hybrid of arms, hair and coolness I carried a fiery beat.” – Now, the astute amongst you will surmise this to be the same clue as last week, well, in fact it is, but is in fact someone else! To help you, it’s not the said mentioned already above. So here’s clue No.2: “In my case six are better than two, although I do go by two names.”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 12 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those who used to take a lot of acid in their youth… it was flupking great weren’t it – pass me a tit:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1 (1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1 (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1

Casualty: zip

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

Lietenant Flashheart: You should treat your aircraft like you treat your women.

Blackadder: So you should take your plane out to dinner and a movie?

Flashheart: No, get in her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!

Blackadder

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME MORE NOUNS OF ASSEMBLANCE

A stud of mares

A parliament of rooks and owls

A glozing of taverners

A covey of ptarmigan

A business of ferrets

fool’s Gold

Former racing driver Damon Hill played guitar in a punk band called Sex Hitler and the Hormones

Mother’s Day is the third largest card sending holiday

According to legislation in Kentucky, ‘No female shall appear in a bathing suit on the highway unless escorted by two police officers.’

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

I'm not here today

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Soup that’s too hot to slurp but just too good not to slurp; if you’re keen to catch that swish and potent flavour of a mild spice whose life is dedicated to pumping the pistons for the boiling sultriness of a black pepper ‘n chive delight, which in turn has been ground, nay, honed and trained to attack the snub of meat that basks and wallows amongst the grunts from yonder garden green for almost an acre of time. Then this bubbling cauldron of heavy duty ambushed liquid, topped off with the shake of a gnats cock of Soya sauce, that you know will one day give you the big C but you just can’t help yourself adding it, will burn the mother-be-Jesus out of the roof of the mouth till it wrinkles like a mini brain behind your top gnashers where the only feeling is the drrrrruder of your tongue as it vibrates over the upturned dry river bed in your mouth. Then in an instant your taste buds are entirely vaporised – it happened to a friend of mine with a cup of tea once – had to be air-lifted out of a greasy spoon in Wandsworth. Poor bugger! Bastard hot soup, that’s what’s stuffing my goat this week – BASTARDS!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

The smell of a freshly cut anecdote, lightly garnished with filth and slippery stuff…phoarrrr!

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #9

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: where all the best meat comes from – Got any pies?

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

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Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s there now – pretty good to catch all your sport on

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember; there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; round two brought to you…Go the Saints…

*Trigger: picks you a winner every week…

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOWish – new and improved, with all the buttons – use them, they’re fun - Next one out – Soon, soon, very soon – I honestly believe it’ll be next week or even this!

*Tit-bits – .../...A Scouser walked in…/…72 time’s…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with bogies is still doing the rounds whilst fool steady’s his kitchen. I’m making it this weekend if you’re interested? – Made it, loved it, ate it all in one sitting – 750g’s of the beast! – Although it was without the pie, kidney’s and oysters.

*Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*old...Fishman...old...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks! But for now catch up on the exploding monkey, lesbian divers and may The Dog be with you! – ‘bout time we had another fishman, fishman!

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘Weeeeee, loooooooooove youuuuu…’ Yeah, that’s it, got it, ‘Weeeee looooooove youuuuuuu…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie – on sale now for only 80,000vnd from the fool himself or sold in the Blue Gecko for 110,000vnd - packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat and other things that never said a word – lazy bastards – anyway, try one, you might like it! They’re wind free (almost).

Now then, now then, now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move along now, there’s a good chap (ess):

It has been without doubt the strangest of all super14’s, what with it being a thoroughly mixed bag ‘n all this season. I put in my hand and pulled out a manky old has been Crusader the other day and thought, ‘How things have changed’ - Although having said that the Force are still probably the most frustrating side to follow.

Also this week: a slice or two of French and English Domestos…ics, ics you idiot fool. Plus, another ELV disgruntled viewer.

Super 14’s

Let’s hoof-off with the Tah’s win at Eden Park over the very hapless Blues 27-22, their first win in Auckland after 14 years of trying.

Neither side have been the team they used to be but you’d have to note the Blues lost it through ill discipline even if they did match the Tah’s on three tries each.

The Blues frustrations stemmed from the breakdown where the Tah’s dominated. The Tah’s also attacked with plenty of savvy this week, which has been a long time coming. The first try came after 6 minutes and 11 phases with fly half Daniel Halangalu scoring under the posts. Daniel masterminded this game and it’ll be a while before Beale starts again.

The Blues forced themselves back in it and a fine sweep from Gopparth to Williams and touched down by a flying Anthony Tuitavake had the Blues all but in front except on points. All but in front for a sneaky matter of a Luke Burgess intercept try and a few penalties made the Tah’s 17-5 up after only 28 minutes.

Bringing up the scoreling to a more respectable level was Onasai’i Auva’a’s try from a lineout but as soon as the Blues touched down so did the Tah’s with Polotau-Nou being driven over by his pack moments later. Michael Hobbs got a late one for the Blues which will give them something to think about on their week off…but I doubt it, why would you want to think about a late consolation try?

Hurricanes sewed up their game against Lions 38-32 with an all purpose intent but more importantly some intent purposed finishing. They got in the Lions 22 seven times and scored five tries. The Lions on the other hand were content to just miss tackles.

Conrad Smith struck twice in the first eight minutes; the first from a simple two man overlap and the second he dove over the ruck John Riggins style.

The Lions turned a few balls over, dropped a few, and missed some more tackles and when they got in the ‘Canes 22 they didn’t have quite the same effect. However, Jacque Fourie finally got over the chalk line after a few attempts.

In the second half Alky Mathewson swung round the side of a ruck off a quick throw to score and keep the ‘Canes ahead, but the Lions weren’t done for and roared back with Fourie, again, who took the ball from a straight running Doppies La Grange off a stolen lineout. Well done Doppies! Doppies?

The Lions were knackered now and no-one was going to stop Ma’a Nonu at close range, so they didn’t. That try was followed quickly by a slice of luck when Willie Ripia’s kick rebounded into the arms (his) of another Hurricane try. The game was now dusted, but Lions wing Shandre Frolick helped the scoreline with a swifty on 90 seconds left on the clock. Well done Shandre!

In Mack the Knife-land, Durban the Sharks beat the Brumbies 35-14. The Sharks bit early and had two tries denied by ruthless defence from Josh Holmes and Christian Lealiifano. But the pressure of the Sharks 100mph game tolled when Gerrard missed touch with the boot and JP Pieterson ran it in from the half way. – ‘Well the shark has many teeth…’

Tyrone Smith and Gene Fairbanks are not Hollywood Gangsters but a couple of likely centres that are pairing up well for the Brumbies, however, the scoring was left to the very much on his way Lealiifano who stepped past Steyn with ease. But the Sharks were at home and they’re hard enough to beat at away. They notched three more tries through Jacque Botes and Kankowski , but the best came through the hands and break of Adi Jacobs, onto Ndungene, old fella Stefan Terblanche took hold next and Kockott touched down from a nice pass from the big fella Kankowski. ‘…and he shows them pearly whites…’

Salea Ma’ofu snuck a consolation try and probably just as he was doing that the staff at the Brumbies hotel relieved the players of their laptops and cell phones – welcome IPL…bring out the rubber necklaces! ‘…better look out, he’s Mack the Knife…’

In the best and worst game of the weekend the Chiefs annihilated the Reds 50-26 in Queensland. The best because it was entertaining watching ten tries but the worst because most tries were run through disarray and ghost tackling.

For some reason the Reds went out to play tight rugby and were taken apart by the Chiefs, who tackled them hard around the fringes, stole the ball and ran it back at pace.

Stephen Donald ran in the first of six for the Chiefs after Tanerau Latimer stole the ball and gave it to him to run, and so he did for 50metres, that seemed to be the pattern of the day. It’d be a bit harsh to call it Under 14’s rugby but in many respects that’s exactly what it was.

Berrick Barnes showed a snifter of talent but not enough to warrant consistency. Daniel Braid muscled to the end and helped himself to a consolation try but the rest were a riotous chaotic rout of unorganised chicken plucking, straight from the ducks hoof – yeah, I didn’t get it either; I mean even the touch judge wanted to get in on the farce and got his own way when he called off a try for a supposed knock-on that happened down the field, out of his shot and about a minute earlier – amazingly the ref and TMO listened – load of old rubbish! But the Chiefs are good.

At the Crusaders HQ they turned a potentially tasty match into a sour pussy-footing hash of a game. The men from Christchurch snuck home 11-7 over the Stormers with both sides taking a try each – one for Luke Watson who wriggled and jiggled and belted his way through five defenders, and later a sprint-in from Adam Whitelock. The rest, as they say, was shite.

Meanwhile in Palmerston North the fake Scottish Highlanders, yeah, yeah of course you’re Scottish, put one up on the Bulls and beat them at their own game 36-12.

On the back of solid cleanouts and hard hits Shoemark drew first blood with Bowden and Cowan to follow suit. Jamie Macintosh and his front row pals did an amazing job on the Bulls front row. Van den Heever’s classic wingers try and Israel Dagg’s touch downs were only decorative figures on the Bulls score sheet.

In the French Top14 Castres got the only try through Nallet and beat Toulon 25-9/ Whilst on the surfing coast Biarritz mashed up Mont-de-Marson 37-7/ Bourgain beat Monpellier 22-3 and my notes say, ‘shipping game is when out.’ – hmm, yes!/ Montauban clung onto Clermont 19-19 with Clermont’s Brock James finally missing a kick with the boot – he was on 41 consecutive hits. He got a drop goal later./ Dax look to stave relegation by picking up a losers point in their defeat to Perpignan 13-16 – once Farid Said scored it was all over – anyone can say that!/ And Brive outshone Bayonne 13-6/ Toulouse and Stade Francais played a terrible game amidst all expectations with the southerners coming off 15-11 the better – Mathieu Bastreaud got a try though – isn’t he.

In the Guinness Premiership Bristol played like their old demon selves from way back when they were good, which was about Wednesday 19 O’Chocolate. Still, they beat Worcester with six tries forcing coach Paul Hull to mutter, “We played for 80 minutes this week, not 45 or 50. We didn’t wilt.” – Wilting Bristol’s...it happens.

Wasps went down to Saracens by an injury minute try from Argentine Fransisco Leonelli, but the Cip had a blinder. Ian McGeechan bellowed, “If he wants to be a British Lion he needs to keep playing like that.” – On Wednesday Bath beat Wasps 22-19 and the Cip had a shocker!

Some Shorts:

Dean Richards has suggested that some players in the premiership are too fat; “You only have to look at some guys and the extra weight they’re carrying. We have guys who are fit enough to play international rugby but not to the highest level.”

Just what Jonno said last week. This week he said; “If you get involved in high-level sport you are going to get a kick in the nuts occasionally.”

Meanwhile MB Springbok Ashwin Willemse has retired from the Lions and all rugby with immediate effect. He loves the game, his team mates and there is no controversy, just; “The time, hour, has come to move onto the next phase in my life.” – Which was probably before his wife had a say, unlike Joost’s!

Lastly Jonathan Davies is the latest legend to fume his angst against the ariel ping-pong of an excuse for running rugby due to the ELV’s and says, “If the ELV’s have not worked then the authorities should have the bollocks to admit they have been wrong and draw a line under it.” – get it, more free kicks are not creating running rugby.

In reference to the Six Nations he also said, “I would not say that the best team won.” – And he wasn’t talking about Wales neither…it was Italy!

I’m done.

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get. Please call now: please, someone call…in the meantime if you want to send in your Lions team and it has 8 names the same as fool’s in the starting 15 then fool will post it and you’ll win a free t-shirt! – In fact I’ll post them all and free t-shirts for everyone…ha ha ha…nurse…clue: not Cip.

Back to this shite: John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Break out the stout, some blue cheese and a pickled egg, which reminds me, my eggs should be ready this weekend, but I digress, for it is back to the celebrations of an English victory, Victory, VICTORY.

Yes, after 15 attempts and no guffed calls the English finally won a game of cricket, but first let’s see how they lost earlier in the week: They were all out for 117 in Barbados last Friday, causing Levi to state, “It was humiliating and fundamentally embarrassing.”

Chris Gayle knocked 80 off 42 balls and the Windies won by eight wickets in just 14.4 overs. Que Levi again, “If we’re honest this sort of thing happens too often. I’m not going to make any excuses – we weren’t good enough. But we will come back and play better on Sunday.”

By Jupiter I think he’s right. England sailed to a nine wicket victory with Levi helping himself to 79 off 61.

Gayle still hit five sixes, but in some ways the win was over shadowed by all the KP talk of him being unhappy about losing so much. So much so that he requested leave for 48 hours in between the third and fourth Tests to go home and see his wife. Request denied, as absence is only condoned by birth or bereavement – you’re either in or out.

KP understood that and got back to the job, which entailed giving the Shiv a lot of shit for never fielding when he scored a lot of runs. Ironically KP pulled out of last Sunday’s win with a bad back after bowling just five balls…to the Shiv! Levi said, “There was a bit of irony there. A few smiles on a few faces.”

KP’s also miffed about some of the fans still calling him South African. He states he is undeniably committed to England; “I love to pull the Three Lions over my head.” – And that all the moaning lately was him losing and missing his wife, as said, “I lost one game of sport through school – a game of rugby.” And, “I won’t be without my wife for 11 weeks ever again.” – Hey, Bloke Down the Pub, do you see another Pakistani cab driver!

Meanwhile Andy Flowers looks likely to get the nod on Sunday as England’s boss. Levi says he’s been getting them fit; “We’ve had some tough sessions. Traditionally the back end of a tour has been beach time.” – Life’s a beach, then you hit one eh Joost!

Apologies about the lack of New Zealand/ India coverage but I don’t have any – please fill in this space on your own.

That’s it.

almost

Other sports:

Jensen Button won the Aussie GP at Albert Park and his Brawn team mate Barichello came second. Ross Brawn is the brains behind this outfit and considered to be the man for technical and tactical matters in the F1 world.

Richard Branson is also backing the new firm on the block and said, “At the moment we’re only sponsors, but one day we might name a team after Virgin. They have certainly got me addicted to the sport, so it would be a good time to sit me down and have a word.” – Dear Mr. Virgin, I run a small website…

The Ham made it to 3^rd on the podium after starting last. After lap one he’d already moved up to 12^th causing boss at McLaren Martin Whitmarsh to shout, “Today Lewis demonstrated very clearly what a fantastic driver he is.”

Yes, he was in a clapped out motor, yes, he did drive well, but then Raikkonen, Massa, Vettel and Kubica all bailed out before him and Jarno Trulli was docked 25 points for passing him on a yellow flag and slid to fourth.

Half the F1 revenue goes in Bernie Eccelstone’s back pocket.

Oxford won their 75^th Oxford/ Cambridge Boat Race. It was their 155^th meet and the dark blues romped home with 3½ lengths spare. Is it 19 bridges they go under? I don’t care, I just want a pie.

one for me

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

They’ll be ready in six months, they’ll cost six and half grand and Japan has already had them for six years – what are we talking about? Yes, boobs, but bigger and better. Professor Kefah Mokbel works at the London Breast Institute at Princess Grace Hospital (breast…snigger, snigger) and he’s worked out that a few injections of fat, preferably from your own belly, mixed with stem cells makes the perfect dumplings. He said, “Breasts treated with stem cells feel more natural because the tissue has the same softness. We are optimistic we can easily achieve an increase of one cup size. We cannot say yet if we can achieve more but we will try.” One lump or two vicar?

me too

More than half the Brits think the countryside is boring. Peasants. One in ten couldn’t identify a sheep if it came up and licked them. Peasants. 44% are unsure of what an oak tree looks like. Peasants. Do you put peasant in Royal Game Soup?

already

Boff Prof. Zhang Lin Wong from the Georgia Technical University in US has made a nano-generator that produces biomechanical energy. It fits into a jacket worn by a hamster who then runs on its wheel creating enough electricity to power a mobile, lights and toys. Boff Wang said, “We believe this is the first demonstration of a live animal producing current with nano-generators.” – Richard Gere’s been on it for years.

A bunch of old fogey crooks have been busted in the UK for ‘foiling’ ₤8.2 million worth of counterfeit money. The London and Glasgow mob got 14 years between them for running their operations in a south west London flat in Chiswick. A machine they used ‘foiled’ up to 800 ₤20 or 50 Euros notes an hour. Dennis Hancox, whose flat it was, got off with a one year suspended sentence as he is 83, is ill and walks with crutches. The prosecutor stated that he was often heard to boast that he would like to sit ‘naked’ on a pile of the cash. The other old timers were aged 60, 59, 67, 46 & 29.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! Sir Paul McCartney can’t read or write music

Builders on an east London site dug up what is to be believed the Staff of Moses. Charlie Kingston and Archie Tan were digging a 20ft trench when they came across what they thought was just an old piece of wood. Since then archaeologists and biblical scholars have become engrossed in the artefact. Dr Jones who is leading the dig said his assistant April first alarmed him of the situation and… hang on… now it mentions a rival archaeologist Magnus Voller who disputes the whole scenario calling Jones a ‘fool’, and that he’s going send the piece to his laboratory in Indiana America to once and for all uncover the truth. – Yes, printed on Wednesday.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.”

Briton Richard Jenkins has become the fastest wind assisted human on the planet – he ate one of fool’s pies! No, he scooted 126.1mph in his green machine Greenbird – a wind-powered land yacht. He harnessed his top speed from only a 30mph gust in Las Vegas and passed Yank Bob Schumacher’s record of 116mph in his Iron Duck. Dale Vince from Ecotricity who backed Richard’s ten year project said, “In the next 20 years wind power will no longer be the stuff of dreams.” – No, of course not, it will be injecting stem cells like it is now.

Elvis’ poem; Ode to a Poem, you know, the one he scribbled on scrap paper and used on his answering machine, yeah, that one, well, it just fetched ₤14k in an online auction. ‘Hello, yeah, Elvis? Yeah, pub 6 o’clock ok…’ – Ode to a Pie – ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate:’ look out next week’s for Ode to a Pie in the Poetry Corner – move over Quadrophenia.

Fisherman Emerson de Oliveira Abreu was spear fishing off the coast of Rio de Janeiro when he fired his gun, it ricocheted off a rock and went six inches into his head, just above the left eye and pierced his brain. Five hours later surgeons said he is relatively unharmed. His dad Edilson said, “It’s a miracle.” – Hear that fishman? – It’ll be a bloody miracle next time we hear from the island!

wind free (almost)

Takao Sudo 43 was arrested when police found 1,600 items of women’s lingerie at his parent’s home where he lived in Utsunomiya Japan. Inside were boxes of bras, knickers, maid’s outfits the lot. He was nabbed when he was drying four pairs of knickers outside his apartment. That and he also had a website called underwear collector. He said that it helped him feel relaxed. ‘Hey ya, like the cops are after me dude, getting stressed ya, better put on some panties, mmm nice.’ (Why are you doing Snake from the Simpsons?)

Lastly Mirjana Gavorak from Belgrade Serbia had to have a two hour operation to have a pine cone removed from her front bottom. Dr. Sava Bojovu said, “She was lonely and she took a pine cone from a tree and unfortunately it got stuck and she needed surgery to get it out.” – And I wondered how long to wait when there was no toilet paper