Crazy Fool's Newsround - 27th July - 2nd August '07' Volume 243

27th July - 2nd August '07' Volume 243
August, 02nd 2007 15:18 PM

productions presents

That was the week, weren't it!

In a week where a unified Ireland took a step closer to being a blood thirsty reality, British troops were pulled out of Northern Ireland's 38 cosy years of inhabitancy and have been deployed to star in bigger budget Yank orchestrated films of wars on terrorfirma further to the east.

reclaimed land in the east

Well, at least as far as the Cornish coast of Britain where earlier this week cfn's narrator was found to be lost, still in his suitcase, whilst meandering down the swollen banks of the River Severe and had sidled up somewhere off the coast of Cornwall near St. Ives.

is this the narrator?

It was also here that reports of a Great White have been made by several experts, most notably the world's best shark hunter Zyg Gregorek who, astonishingly, represents England in the league of world shark hunting, and indeed is the only ‘hunter' to have caught eight of the nine big game sharks; he surmised, "The problem with shark hunting in Britain is that is no-one's really got a big enough boat. You need a 130lb line and a fighting chair. But I'm going to catch this shark, it will be an honour."

- Starring Robert Shore as Zyg

Why you would need to fight a chair wasn't revealed, but his confirmation of the Great White(s) existence was reiterated by Australia's leading shark watcher (equivalent to a British train-spotter) Dave ‘sharkman' Baxter. Dave confirmed, "That's definitely a Great White - probably an adult female about 12ft long. Her mate will be close by. It's a healthy mature shark. You can see from the fin in the video it's in a very good condition. I get excited when I see something like that. If I'd been there I'd have jumped out of the boat and swam with it." - In it more like...

-Richard Dufous.

human dolphins deployed

When cfn's narrator was asked his views on the recent floods, Ireland's de-occupation and Great whites in Britain's waters, by a coastguard (-Chief Brody) via phone from cfn's HQ he was clearly heard to reply, "We're gonna need a bigger island...right? We're gonna need a bigger island!"...‘Ha that'll teach him for trying to quit cfn. No-one quits cfn...' came the muffled quote from the coastguard's radio... (Full story in the worldly news pages...)

get a bigger island

But now let's interrupt this silliness for some more silliness in the sillinesseque of cf's quiz...iness:

1. Name three things that were in the shark's stomach when it was cut open in Jaws?

2. When did Britain first occupy Hong Kong?

3. What mass is measured in Criths?

4. What is the largest island in Europe?

5. Who was the first wicket keeper to claim 50 stumping victims in Tests? And it's not Jaws!

6. Lycanthropy involves man changing into what?

7. Allurophobia is the fear of what?

8. Singapore has four official languages, one of which is Chinese. Name the other three.

All the answers, and I mean all of them this time are in *Comps & results.

Meanwhile the WHO AM I? goes on...clue No.3, "I set the world alight with a No.1 hit all over the world 40 years ago this summer!"

is it me?

Now, I believe we should really take heed to these special, special companies below who without we could never eat, drink, sit or walk!

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Every Sunday get as much Sangria and paella down your gullet for only 195,000vnd - in every currency that's a steal - don't make me come and find you - I found myself once...it was identical!

GTM: Garden & Leisure furniture built and shipped to your requirements. gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn - You design, they design, it's all a good show. But they don't build ships. Give them a call.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: July's meat tray is currently making strides into August - But, I want those kidneys dude.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it.

Al Frescos: Double your pizzas but only pay for one - every Tuesday - just nuts! Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

Check out the *classifieds pages for great deals from food to pool tables and more, more, more!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

But now folks, what's happening this week in the mighty cfn: *Digger & *Trigger are racking up the revelations from the AFL and gee gee's paddock Down Under, and remember; he Toldyas!

In the *Tit-bits there's some funnies that'll make your arse bleed then there's *Fishman's tales, all you ever needed to know about Vietnam's newest retreating revelation. Plus, is there a new recipe this week? I don't know, don't think so. And Dem Dere *Bongo Massif Bro's are as coming...I'm meeting with them this week so hopefully we'll get something sorted out!

But now Mr. Meaner has written in and told cf to get a grip about all this who-ha about sharks, biblical floods and the Right Royal Horrible Rev Ian Paisley digging up bombs he's buried in folks back gardens over the past 40 years or so. Next he'll be harping on about little green men!

Mr.Meaner

But now it's time for toupee or not, that is the question!

And there's no cups to play for now until the big fat Webb Ellis one come September...well apart from the Air New Zealand...ABSA Currie and half a dozen non-consequential bouts of mini rugby scattered around the globe.

So what is happening in the build up to the big fat one?

Eddie Jones is getting bombasted from the top knobs in Australia for his ‘advisory' role in the Springbok camp. ARU chief knob John O'Neill called him a mercenary nonetheless and said, "It is not something you would expect of a former Australian coach."

Jones, who has been a coach all his life, (No school - straight into coaching) said ‘you will always have your detractors', and that, "It's not a new thing. I've helped the Specific Nations, I've coached Japan, when John Kirwin was the Italian coach I spent a couple of days with him whilst I was the Wallabies coach." - Hmmm, mercenary does seem to spring to mind.

But Ed came back, "He (O'Neill) went from being the CEO of Australian rugby to being the CEO of Australian soccer (Football), which is a direct competitor. That was ok in his eyes." - Good point Eddie, but Australia was the operative word there me thinks!

As much as O'Neill does sound like a bit of a knob himself, he's written a book, ‘It's only a game - a life in sport' which touches on recreational drugs in sport and refers to one player in rugby who, "Had been taking a mixture that was primarily used in pottery factories, during the manufacturing process, to help harden ceramic pots. Clearly if taken by humans...it would rot your guts." - And no doubt leave you glazed and confused!

Meanwhile Paddy O'Brien, the non-Irish New Zealander and top knob of the refs is not having the experienced players and coaches to try and influence the inexperienced refs by, as he says, "Go into to see referees armed with laptops, statistics and photos, before a game." He went onto say, "I think some coaches believe they can use the media to get the upper hand, and some reporters have no credibility at all." - Oi, I resemble that remark! South Africa are shit, South Africa are shit, South Africa are shit...

Meanwhile back behind the scenes of the Wallaby camp all is not good. All the coaching staff are hand bags at dawn. You've got Knuckles absolutely shit-scared as to what Johnson might ever say at a press conference, that he won't let him go near the cameras, Foley's intimidated by the Joey Johns back coaching and Muggleton - heard of him? - No, neither has anybody else and he's a bit miffed by that! - Knuckles said this week, "All the team coaches are going to get up in front of the team and have a hug - a love in." - That's nice, says cf, spread the love Knuckles. And who's that Muglledoon fella again?

also concern of age of wallabies

Over in the murdering bastard land of South Africa Bobby Skinacatstad has been practising the age old South African belief of ignorance by suggesting that come the 14^th September when S.A play England in their group game in France the French might just be supporting them. He said, "In the back of my mind I know that the French and the South Africans have a good relationship. They have always had a healthy respect for our players." - Yes, as much as they hate Le Roast Beef, I can see it now; Vivre le Arrogant Regime...wait, hang on...

Boks No8 Juan Smith reckons England's two recent losses in Bok-land have themselves in good stead for the up-coming encounter, "I think all the pressure will be on England to be honest." He said. And to be honest there's not a lot of change out of that statement. But on a sad note, it will be a massive miss not to be able to see Pierre Spies in the World Cup at all, due to blood clots in his lungs! - I'll not take the piss there, even if he is a South African murdering bastard!

Moving on to this weekend and England play Wales in their warm up match at Twickenham, and Josh Lewsey took advantage of having the previous week off from training by going surfing off the Cornish coast - has anyone heard from him?

Stephen Jones misses the game for Wales with a groin injury and Gavin Henson will miss the whole bloody tournament with a failed Achilles! - Although he will be on standby.

England have a huge pack going into this game with the likes of Sheridan, Cory (blindside!) and Simon Shaw who makes it back in the English boiler room. He's been on the block for 12 years and this will be his fourth World Cup and only 32 caps, as he said, "Clive Woodward once told me that he would love to play Martin Johnson and myself but we were too alike. I don't know about you, but two Martin Johnson's in the second row sounds alright to me." - And me.

Good to see Strettle (24) on the wing. When he was 16 he was rejected by Man City football Club on the grounds of being too small at 5ft 5, he's now 6ft - I make that nearly 7 inches in about 8 years. He'll be in the send row next World Cup.

Cueto, cf's best winger in the world is at fullback and everyone's holding breathe a-baited to see Farrell go at No.12...again. Him and new boy Hipkiss are fighting for those centre spots, with Tait and Catt almost guaranteed and Tindall, Flood, Noon and Barkley waiting for their shot.

Will Greenwood's backed Farrell saying, "He won't let you down, I'd back him to perform." - He said, although he only backs England to make the quarters...as Johnson does only the semis, and as the fool keeps saying, they're gonna win! They've got cracking players, but as Jonno points out time and again, "No one really knows where England are as a team!"

England 28 - 23 Wales - argh, cf's random numbers again eh - probability states...! In reality I think it will be more than that, but I'll stick with my first thought - yes, pint please!

Ok, some results:

Friendly: S.A students 32 - 20 Namibia - good warm up game Namibia!

Argh - Shute Shield Plate final: good old Gordon 28 - 20 not so Manly. Grand Final: Sydney's Unit 34 - 11 Eastern Suburps

Air NZ Cup comp wk1: Taranaki 29 - 17 Tasman.

And now what have those crazy Fijians been up to? Argh excellent, they've put a curfew on all players and officials for the World Cup and, have limited their quaffing of Kava or yaqona - a peppery beverage brewed from a root of the plant piper methystician. Performance Unit manager Peter Murphy, a good honest Irish Fijian said, "They can only drink kava during official seveseva functions." - And Rupeni is still not allowed to go, which is a shame really seen as everyone it seems is going to be allowed to get bombed on meths!

But now to the sweet taste of cricket:

And what a marvellous display of sugar-coated brashness that was by a resilient English seven wicket defeat!!!

Have you ever seen anything like it - I ask you! - A few japes and capes for sure but underlining it all was a seven wicket defeat - not good enough England; damned well not good enough.

Peter Moores had it right when he said, "The lads put a couple of jelly beans on the pitch and they shouldn't have done it. It was meant to be a joke but ended up looking a bit silly." - Gotta love that...silly! - But he was right, just damned silly.

But hang on a minute was it really that silly? KP should've taken that bat off Zaheer and wrapped it around his head - the no humoured, instigator of politically wishful intervening twat. Taken from the good book, How to make something out of nothing, chpt 3 verse 111.

For those that don't know KP, Cook and Prior were sharing the banter with, mostly, Zaheer Khan's tether. But then it was Zaheer's destructive bowling that put England firmly on the back-foot on day 1 and the banter at his expense in at No.9 on day 3 when India were a zillion runs ahead, so it was almost a compliment of abuse for Zaheer...right?

Zaheer didn't see it like that and confronted KP for dropping a few jell beans on the crease, you clearly heard KP say, "You've got the wrong person mate." - Then after the next shot, "That's a shit shot." Was picked up on the stump mikes - "I suppose you're gonna blame that on me too." - And so the banter went on.

Matt Prior explained, "Nobody wants to take a backwards step. I enjoy the banter. If you don't enjoy it you are going to struggle out there."

Peter Moores on the other hand wants the stump mike turned off at times, "Some things have to be left on the field so the players aren't worried that what ever they do or say will go straight into somebody's lounge. It's only fair on the players." - That's what viewer's volume buttons are for.

Michael Vaughan was a spot more apologetic when he found it hard to comprehend but ultimately understood the diplomacy required, "I guess one of the players might have left them by the crease as a prank for the new batsman. I can't speak for why Zaheer was waving his bat because of a jelly bean on the floor. But if it offended him in anyway we apologise for that." - Jeez Gatting would have scoffed them all and asked for more.

Indian Skipper Rahul Dravid wasn't too fussed either, but the captains do have a c**t of a job really "If it was not crossed we were close to it in some cases, but it was a tough match between to close Test teams trying to win." - There'll definitely be a fight in the curry house tonight.

But altogether fine cricket the tourists did play, with Zaheer as mentioned, whipping them in from all kind of swingers avenues, although it was good to see Vaughan hold out for 124 in his second innings.

It was also good to see Sri Sreesanth get his 50% wage cut for the match for being a prick for delivering some bouncers, bombers and bumpers at the English batsmen not to mention the odd piece of shoulder barging on Vaughan. Vaughan said of the two footed no ball bumper on Colly, "Sreesanth is young and a real talent but bowling from two foot over the line to try and intimidate the batsman is a tactic that could be used in most games." - I.e. yes Sri we can all do that. - Go on Vaughanny, set Tremlett on him!

Anyway, that was only India's fifth Test win in England and now they go to the Oval next week with just a win required to grab the series and although England will still enforce their positive aggressive banter they still need to play and win some decent cricket with confidence and consistency if they want sweet revenge otherwise they'll all be sharing a sherbet dab with Stresco and the Pakistani!

Other sports:

Latest banned druggie from the T d F is Spaniard Iban Mayo. Latest news from London's mayor red Ken Livingston is that he's dead keen to get the Grand Depart to go from London again, but realises that probably isn't possible for another six years. Meanwhile he'd settle for a stage to go through London before 2010, but seen as stages in the history of dope pedalling have gone through Germany, Italy, Spain, Switzerland, Holland, Belgium, Luxemburg and Ireland he's not holding his breathe. My money's on Holland - follow me?

holland

Another honourable sport of F1 goes to Hungary this weekend with McLaren being let off the hook for what is ultimately having Ferrari's 780 page bible in their possession. Nonetheless they have been ruled by a court on the grounds that it is ok because there is no evidence of them actually using it. - Gotta love lawyers.

arse faced lawyers!

Ricky Hatton will be fighting Floyd Mayweather on 8^th December, probably in LV's Grand Hotel 20,000 seater Garden Arena, which means the Spice Girls will have to change their date!

Hatton said, "I'm fighting a five-weight world champion, the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world. This is my dream chance and I'll take it." - Floyd was far more modest, "With Ricky Hatton it's far more personal. I can't wait to get him in the ring. He's definitely going to get knocked out." - Guess the Yank?

Latest wrestler to die: James Fawcett aka Devil Budhakhan - dead wrestlers under 50 = 107.

The fastest man in the world this year is racing in London this weekend Tyson Gay (real name, and guess where he's from). He's clocked 9.84 this year, a smidgen over Asafa's record of 9.77. But he's cool, he says, "I run my own race - and then hopefully run a fast race."

Which reminds me - a longs long time ago I had a chat with bloke down the pub as to who have won the most track and field medals in all the Olympics ever held between Great Britain and Australia - I gunned for GB by a country mile, bloke down the pub wasn't having it. So far I've got the medal standings for the World 2005 champs only - GB: G.1 S.0 B.2 total 3 A: G.0 S.0 B.1 total 1

athletics can be dangerous

Bing bong bing; World news:

Angela Powell is a traffic warden and she has dished out 500 parking tickets in 17 days, that's an average of 30 a day! - Bitch!

More than 70% of Brits have had sex in the car - 17% have been caught. How many have crashed?

yes

21 year-old actress Lindsay Lohan may have had a 100mph chase in her car recently where she was clearly going to skin her child minders mum alive after some kind of Hollywood fuelled argument, where she was heard screaming behind the wheel as the other passengers begged her to stop, "I can do what I want', didn't get to do what she wanted, as the police caught up with her and stopped her then nicked her for drink and drugged (Cocaine) driving. Nevertheless underwear giants Jill Stuarts want to use her for their new stockings range because she is, as Jill says, "perfect for us. She's sexy and smart." - And as mad as a box of frogs.

lindsay

Shall we have a Tommy Cooper moment? - Oh, ok; "Two blondes walk into to building...you'd have thought that one of them would've seen it." - Argh, the old ones are the old ones.

more stockings

The British army has been in a conflict every year bar one since WWII - do you know which one? - No? me neither!

If you set out from Cape Horn and travel east or indeed west you'll end up back at Cape Horn without bumping into any other piece of land.

A cure for all kinds of blindness could be on the way in five years time. Apparently ‘Muller' cells found in the zebrafish can repair damaged lens tissue. Dr. Astrid Limb said, "Our findings have enormous potential." - Or is he just going out on one!

will make you go blind

Nerdy stat time: and 80% of women between 35-55 are unhappy with their looks...really? Move on...

Keef Richards is to get £3.5m for the book on his life but it won't be out till 2010 - why that far away I wonder - has he got skeletons he hasn't buried yet? And Ronnie Wood has at last built a soundproof party room in his basement after neighbour's constant complaints in Kingston-Upon-Thames. As one neighbour said, "Ronnie has lived here for five years now - and don't we know it." - Know what?

thats ridiculous

Mosquito's hate marmite it's the vitamin B you know - just rub it on 3 times a day and stay away from stagnant water.

The Chinese already make photo frames, bookmarks and fans out of giant panda pooh and now they're going to make ‘pooh' athletes for the tourists as we gear up to the Olympics in 2008. Jing Shimin (John Smith) of the panda research centre in Chengdu said, "They don't smell too bad because 70% of the dung is just remains of the bamboo that the pandas are unable to digest." - Oh excellent, I've heard of all the tacky shit people bring home from holiday but this is just ridiculous.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body which is only attached at one end!

Ok lastly Dutchman Bert Meijer 36 was released by cops after having sex with a sheep because the sheep couldn't give evidence. Farmer Christiaan de Jong said, "I saw a man standing in my flock. He had his pants down and he was holding the sheep from behind." - Yep, that would do it, erm, so I'm told. But still, not a bleat from the sheep. Christiaan went on in his defence, "I know my sheep and can tell that that animal was traumatised." - Which leads me to thinking Christiaan how well do you know them, seen as bestiality isn't a crime in Drugland err Holland. - Which come to think about it also makes you wonder where your jumper's been! - I'll leave it there.