Crazy Fool's Newsround - 27th Feb - 5th March 09 volume 319

27th Feb - 5th March 09 volume 319
March, 05th 2009 04:46 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool is at his desk, wondering who ate all the pies. Then it dawns…script…none…panic. He hastily writes a note and hands it to the narrator with a gun to his head…

Narrator: I realise this is the second week running that there’ll be no ‘That Was The Week Weren’t It’ and I’m going to miss it just as much as you, but if we all pull together, give a little prayer then fool promises he’ll do his darndest to rustle up something next week. Just remember kids, there’s love out there waiting just for you…not you…yes you, in the green hat…at the back

why me?

1. Who’s the deadest member of the Rolling Stones, i.e. who died first?

2. What name is given to dried and germinated barley?

3. What chemical formula represents ice?

4. What fruit is grown by viticulturists?

5. What was the nickname of Herbert Marx?

6. With which sport do we associate the term “double axel”?

7. To ten years, when was the storming of the Bastille?

8. The name Utopia comes from the Greek language. What does it mean? A) Heavenly place B) No place C) Ideal place

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – It’s not even Frank Sinatra – let’s hit you with clue No.5 after a recap: Clue No.1, “One of my best outfits frog-marched me all the way to a No.1 best seller.” – Clue No.2, “You’d be surprised that I got my eyes re-focussed back in 1976.” And Clue No.3. “Fuzzy haired at four years old in 1970, this is the year I also got my scar!” Up to clue No.4; “I had a comeback in 93 but I wasn’t as good” This is clue No.5 “Woody, Power Rangers, The A Team, they had nothing on me”

is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 8 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

For those on the toilet don’t forget to flush:

Dracule: 1, (1)

Legal Eagle: 1, (1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Quizmaster: zip

Casualty: zip

Others: bugger all

Quote(s) for the week:

Ronnie Barker: But now a sketch set in Frankenstein’s castle where I take the very important part of the monster

Ronnie Corbett: And I make him put it back

The Two Ronnies

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME MORE NOUNS OF ASSEMBLAGE

A wilderness of monkeys

A doping of Sheldrake

A clutch of eggs

A coven of witches

A staff of servants

fool’s Gold

A funambulist is a tight-rope walker

Dubai has 17% of the world’s cranes

Shrimps hearts are in their heads

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

"Vagina" comes from the Latin word for sheath or scabbard — for the purpose of "holding" and protecting.

The most popular flavour of ice cream, "vanilla," comes from the Latin word "vagina" that was adopted into Spanish for "vaini" and later "vainilla" for little sheath — a sweet fragrant plant with pods resembling a sheath

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

People who just like to talk, you know the folk I mean, the carefree, whistle on a brisk morning whilst walking the dog type, spouting all their breezy yakka yadda; “Hi, how are you? Fresh this morning...” Tell you a story if they could, you know, just to past the time, have a chat then be on their merry way. Happens in the pub too. Folk all too ready just to chin de wag and chew de lard – Freaks no, no – BASTARDS!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Michael Palin’s Ripping Yarns

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia #7

looks lonely this one

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate, back on the minced lamb and by golly its good – Got any pies?

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Porcini steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s there now – pretty good to catch this week’s Six Nations on.

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

*Digger; tells you the way it is, or at least the way he sees it, - I see you’re calling yourself the Digmeister these days too – very Diggeresque

*Trigger: helps you crunch the crunch

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOWish – new and improved, with all the buttons – use them, they’re fun - Next one out – Soon, soon, very soon – maybe next week!

*Tit-bits – .../...A petrol station owner…/…You have to be old enough to…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with bogies is still doing the rounds whilst fool steady’s his kitchen. I’m making it this weekend if you’re interested? – Made it, loved it, ate it all in one sitting – 750g’s of the beast! – Although it was without the pie, kidney’s and oysters.

*Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*old...Fishman...old...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks! But for now catch up on the exploding monkey, lesbian divers and may The Dog be with you!

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – …B, you idiots B…

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie – there’ll be some frozen pickings soon and perhaps a round of Sumo, if you’re in Saigon – coming soon…

Now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move on:

As time has already been press-ganged on the merry ship that waits for no man, tidings will be brief this week. And we’ll start with;

France bowling over Wales 26-16 in Paris, as the fool suggested, in fact the fool has only come unstuck on two games so far, but that’s not nearly as interesting as Benoit Baby slotting in at No.10 and doing not ‘arf bad.

The French wanted this game and although a lot of people fancied the Welsh, they are lacking a plan ‘B’ which is what they’ll need to see them become a great side. Tom Shanklin however, was plan ‘A’ ‘B’ and ‘Z’ and his break through of three tackles, pass to Jones who in turn found a speeding Lee Byrne to score on 25 minutes was a touch of class.

Harinordoquy soon after found a gap and also team mate Thierry Dusatoir to level the scores. From then on the French looked comfortable. A scrum near the 22, Matthieu ‘big’ Bastreaud thundered up the blind and the ball spun out to Cedric Heymans to seal the game. Gatland conceded, “There were too many mistakes.” Jones gave credit; “They were very, very good and put us under a lot of pressure and we conceded a lot of penalties because of that.”

Marc Lievremont summed up the outcome by weighing it against the injuries and prep time; “The victory went against all logic seeing our completed preparation with only five days training – we can’t do that every time.” – Don’t care.

Up in Murrayfield the Scots put away Italy 26-6 with try of the day going to Simon Danielle’s carve up the middle. Big Frank was both happy with his sides passion and I reckon a little relieved; “It’s always extremely difficult to play against Italy. Everybody finds it difficult to play against them, especially with their power up front and their rushing defence. Our defence was always in control in my opinion, conceding only one line break, considering the amount of possession we had. “– That’s three concedes by my sums.

At Croke Park England went down to Ireland 14-13 in a gritty and oft scrappy match, where both teams you could say gave it away. Ireland gave it away as they missed with the boot, as England gave away 18 penalties, on top of that England gave it away by yet a further two yellow cards – that’s 10 in four games. Both silly offences; Vickery for repeatedly offending at the breakdown, B.OD scored while he was off by burrowing through the forwards, then Danny Care for shoving prop Horan for no apparent reason, helping Ireland to reach their 14 points with a penalty. Jonno was not happy; “It’s amazing. I’m trying to keep my cool here, but it lost us the Test match, as simple as that.”

Still, England improved again and Ireland knew how to close the deal, again.

Over in the world of Super 14’s the Blues knocked back the Stormers in a very drab affair 14-8. Jean de Villiers is a girls name however; he did play well with it.

In the game of the weekend the Hurricanes proved to be the team to beat this year with a cracking win over the Crusaders 30-24. Yes, Piri Litleshit is at fly, and he can kick too. Casey Laulala ran in the first try for the reds then Conrad Smith busted through fed Zac Guildford who showed pace and strength to keep him in stead for a Blacks spot. Then it chopped and changed for a while till the ‘canes kept breaking the line and offloading beautifully – Nonu was the man here, and if there’s a centre playing better at the moment show me.

The Force beat the Brumbies 25-16 in, no this can’t be right; Bruce Stadium! Cameron Shepherd helped himself to three, in hang on a minute, this can’t be right either, a game they titled a derby – a derby is a sports match between two rival teams in the same area, named after the 17^th century Earl of Derby, who also started the races.

Anyway, the Git was the champ here, showing his array of passes from the flat, to the bullet, to the floater, to the hanger. Opposite him was Christian Lealiifano who did bugger all and I’m beginning to regret having him in my fantasy team.

The Sharks beat the Chiefs 22-15 in a cliff hanger. This game went all the way to the wire with the Chiefs hammering on a sturdy Natal defence. They might needn’t have if they hadn’t dropped about 14 try scores before hand – hands like sieves.

Tah’s won the their third straight win beating the Highlanders 37-14, with Waugh notching his 100^th, and he was pretty right on the form, which isn’t dazzling; “I still think we’re well off being consistent.”

The Bulls beat the Lions at Ellis Park 16-9. It rained a lot. The Lions were crap in the lineout and Pierre Spies is a monster.

Some Shorts:

Martin Johnston is ready to axe his yellow perils saying, “They know that if they make a silly or bad decision on the field in just a rugby sense, never mind a penalty sense, then they won’t play.” – Bet they play.

Eddie Jones is dumbfounded that an MB can walk into to Sarries, dump him and 15 players and bring another bunch of MB’s in instead, he said, “I’ve never seen anything like it. Some of the guys have been in tears all week.”

Matt Stevens got handed a two year ban for shoving tons of coke up his nose.

fool’s Six Nations predictions:

next week

I’m done.

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup – too late! Yes, he has had had two takers – and yes, he is now upping the anti to 2015 – and yes, the betting window for 2011 is closed – so up yours.

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get. Please call now: please, someone call…

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free tshirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Got absolutely lumps of it, but time and tide and all that rhythm and blues…

Suffice to say runs tallied by the bucket load with big heaps coming from Sri Lanka.

Australia left their homestead for South Africa with the ‘worst ever touring side’ on board and beat the ‘is-its’ by 160 odd runs. No first name Mitchell Johnston woke up the punters here with a solid 96* and a few wickets, how many was is it? Ok, we’ll stick with a few.

Over on Sir Allen’s ex island fingers were wagging at the Administrators for laying on the flattest pitch in history. England declared on 600 then the Windies on 700 odd and so it went on. In the end 1,628 runs were scored with only 17 wickets! Ronnie Sarwan got 291 of those runs.

No one was happy. Levi summed it up, “My opinion is this sort of match is not what we want to see in Test cricket.”

And Freddy’s gone home for a new hip. It’s the 6^th time he’s had to go home injured from tour. I remember when he was an upcoming lager swilling portly lad hanging around the fringes of international cricket – argh happy days. Now he’s getting a hip replacement.

Other sports:

Manny Pacquiao, who fights Hatton on 2^nd May in Las Vegas, has named his daughter Queen Elizabeth. He said, “The Queen is one of the most popular people in the Philippines. The people love the Queen, I love my daughter…” Manny is also a stand up comedian, a piano player and popstar, he said, “I love to sing the Beatles and my favourite song is This Fight is for You.” – Oh how we laughed

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

A nine year old boy from Indonesia has been dubbed ‘Messiah’ after performing miracle healings. Mohammed Ponari from Balangarai, East Java has calmed raging fevers, serious illnesses and even brought the voice back to a mute boy. He does it all with his magic stone. After being hit by lightening the first thing he saw was an egg like stone he believed to be holy. Police Chief Sutikono witnessed one miracle and said, “Ponari shook him and they started fighting, then he began to talk.” – I lost an egg once…

Meanwhile slightly further south there’s been another shark attack off Sydney’s beaches. 15 year old Andrew Lindop had his leg chomped just off Avalon beach and his dad rescued him. Police said, “The father heard a scream and turned to see his son thrash about in the water. The bite cut through to the bone.” – Two stories, two boys, two policemen – think about it…yeah, I know, spooky!

Eight out of ten Brits would rather an extra hour shut eye than sex. Only 12% get 8 hours, whereas 40% feel that’s what they need. Sleep expert Dr. Chris Idsioski said, “Some people think they can manage on less, but aren’t performing or feeling as well as they might.” – Lots of very well noted people across the globe are famous for operating on only 4 hours, like Margaret Thatcher and …err

Andrew Hicks is 42 and is very good at maths, so good in fact that he’s made a mirror that reflects a true reflection. He rigged up a computer that produced a few curves on the surface that bounce light across it rather than straight back. Now he can read text the right way, but will he see Dracula coming?

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! Between shows Elvis used to snack on chicken soup with crackers.

Six people are vying for the rights to an 840lb emerald dug up in Brazil 8 years ago. It’s worth ₤280million and since the Brazilian gem trader sold it the chain has become muddled. Police have the Bahia Emerald, as it is called, in the County Sheriffs lock up in LA California after tracing it in a warehouse in Las Vegas through one its claimed owners, Larry Biegler. Are you one of the other five? – I’m not, so that narrows it down.

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque: “I read part of it all the way through.” As said by Samuel Goldwin – confused? Good.

A Brisbane man has been accused of causing a mini riot at a nudist colony in North Queensland. He refused to take his clothes off at a swinger’s sex party at the White Cockatoo resort where March madness has been labelled the month of hedonism where anything goes. Cops were called in and ordered him and his wife to leave. Imagine.

John Lennon wrote a note to his assistant Fred Seamen reading, explain why we are sleeping here with a front door that any nut can open (It doesn’t lock). People know I’m here.” Eight months later he was shot dead outside the building and 29 years later the note sold on website momentinstime.com for ₤38k – that’s why John, that’s why.

I thought Johnson had the key

A new humanoid called Sava is a teacher at a primary school in Tokyo. She is multilingual, performs the roll calls and teaches a few lessons from a textbook. The motors in Sava’s head help her to express happiness, surprise, fear, disgust, sadness and anger – you thinking what I’m thinking – it’s perverse isn’t it. Boff Hiroshi Kobayashi spent 18years making her. Robots, they’re the future, everyone will have one. I’m going to get a dog one too, and maybe a fish.

Ok, lastly ‘Gannet Man’ aka Matt Watson 33 jumps from a helicopter into his native waters off New Zealand and catches a marlin with his bare hands. It took him 11 months practise and five attempts to ‘land’ one. It’ll be out on his show Ultimate Fishing Show. Matt said, “I got a few bruises but it was worth it. Our ideas are usually thought up over a beer.” – Speaking of which…