"I can't do it, I'll not do it, it's spooky over there" Creaked the door. But did the brewing gale listen? Neigh, but instead cajoled a sudden wisp of air close to the door and shackled it unto its mighty breeze. With its haste the menace unfolded its momentum. The door's bell clanged, the timber of its aged panels shook and wobbled and began to vibrate, even rev, like a rumbling, throat guzzling Triumph Norton on a pre ride whipping course on Death Mile. The zephyr altered its current to round the bulk of the door and in a violent swish she - the door, was shut tight, and the howling flatulence from the yonder gusts died in the silence, a death most horrid, a death with no remorse. But who was the killer?...The door was framed!

I'll not bore you with tales of the Roald Dahl's, but just point out a few things that have really got on my goat, up my nose and in my ear this last week. Halloween is not for gays to dress up their pooches, kids to utter those shite-iest or words ‘trick or fucking treat', let alone say the fucking word candy - its sweets for fuck sake! Or even to run around in some consumer designed shite fucking costume that the latest Hollywood shite has so boringly dished out. But is simply a Pagan ritual to celebrate All Souls Day where it is mandatory to gather around a pile of stones in the freezing woods and shag a virgin! - More of that later.

But first these:

1. What was so strange about the Mary Celeste?

2. In which country is Ho Chi Minh?

3. Clive Rice played cricket for which country?

4. What word can go before "all", "cast" and "take"?

5. Who was queen of the Roman Gods?

6. What is the name of a secret crime society based in Hong Kong?

7. In song, what do you pack up in your old kit bag?

8. Name the three cities that hosted more than one summer Olympics in the 20th century.

Eh...eh! Want some more...eh? ‘ave it! http://www.cfnr.co.uk/

Everyone's struggling on WHO AM I? That, or they just don't give a shite and just like looking at the pictures? So, to make things easy clue # fifteenie: ‘I got a beard, live on a ship and cook up for me hearty's!'

is it me?

But to hell with the knockers and begrudgers...up Pacharan, for they are this week's No.1 bestest billing, with-nei no nay, ni mentioning of course to, GTM, Fosters, Vasco's, Blue Gecko and Bootlace Holidays.

Up and running in the cf stakes this week are; *Digger and his candid view on the Aussie/Irish angle - he's got a good point this week *Trigger and your chance to win a bob or two. *Archives, *Tit-bits, *Grub-up and a shite load more, including, hopefully, those shitsters the fucking *Bongo Massif Bro's! Print it off, take it to your office and sit down and read...don't forget to flush.

Meanwhile on rugby matters; there were some results in last week's Heineken Cup - ‘no shit Sherlock!' Yeah, and most of them had a win! Most notables were Gloucester's defeat to Agen 26-32, but with a twist - Anthony Allen the 20 year-old Englishman snapped two touch downs for Gloucester, and he said afterwards, with a hint towards this week's international, "There can't be a bigger game than New Zealand, and I'd love to have a crack at it." - yep, he's in, along with other debutants Shuan Perry - you'll remember him - didn't go to Aus at the last minute because he broke his wrist then comes back this year with accolades of being compared to the great Terry Holmes. He'll be a handful at No.9 says cf. Then there's Paul Sackey who'll replace the injured Cueto on the wing - He's fast and gritty.

We don't know much about the Kiwi camp, because as usual they're keeping tings firmly under de hood. But I can tell you that there's more Kiwi's playing rugby now a days than ever - from 137,961 last year up to 141,241 this year - not all on the same pitch, even though they've tried - cheating bastards!

One thing Graham Henry did mention was, "You have to look at the history books to see that this will be a tough game. The All Blacks always struggle at Twickenham."

Wales on the other hand are sticking to their big guns, even though coach Gareth Jenkins stressed, "We are blessed with an extremely strong squad in most positions and have had to make some tough decisions, but have selected on form, and on form alone." - He's definitely on the take!

So, even though Henson's been banned from driving for a month for speeding he keeps his place in the centre with Tom Shanklin - gotta be good that. And old boy Gareth Thomas, he of "I've just had a heart attack watching T.V.'; Gareth Thomas is back at fullback.

gt

The Welsh will be without Brent Cockbain, who's Australian by the way, because he's banned for 20 days for stamping. And they are also without Englishman Chris Horseman! Who's Club Worcester won't release him! It's a problem that Gareth Jenkins addresses, "The politics within the game are frustrating."

It's the same all over Blighty, where no English player will start all 4 Tests this autumn because of the Club v country row. I think they should take the Kenny Everett approach and round them all up, put them in a field, and bomb the bastards!

Again, we haven't got much on those wily tourists, this time the Aussies. Suffice to say, they did play Mark Gerrard at fly in Wednesdays clash with the Ospreys, which by the way they lost, the Aussies lost, that's to say Osprey's won...! - 24-16

Just getting back, and indeed finishing the rugby news, with a recital from Andy Robinson, who said of his English team to face New Zealand this Sunday - Guy Fawkes night, Bonfire night, whatever you want to call it - "We pick competitive animals that enjoy winning, that get turned on by winning, and go on the pitch with that ability. It's a challenge for us to win this game, and that's what the coaches, myself, Martin Corry as captain, everybody on that pitch believing we are going to win this game." - What'd'ya reckon?

In the league Tri Nations The Kiwi's beat G.B. by 18-14 in a cut thrust game. It was a corker and Kiwi boss Brian McClennan summed it up when he praised hero Brent Webb, "If he wasn't a bloke I'd have kissed him I was so happy. It was an ugly win but it's better than a pretty loss.' - ‘nuff said.

and now this

Right enough of that...cricket now; and the Aussies smashed their way into the finals of the ICC Champions Trophy, with a cracking win over the New Zealanders. As Punter said before this match, "The squad is looking really good. We've got lots of flexibility, lots of experience, and a little youth around, which is obviously important going into the world cup." - Pretty important I suppose!

England on the other hoof received a comfort boost from their win over the Windies. And did it without help from the Harmy, who to say the least is a tad out of sorts. He was dropped from that game as Duncan Fletcher explains, "Dropping a player is the worst thing selectors can do. We didn't take it lightly but we felt Harmy had lost confidence."

Duncan quickly re-addressed himself when quizzed on his Ashes prospects; "He (Harmy) bowls a lot better in Tests and it is crucial he gets overs under his belt in the Ashes."

Back to the Punter, and he says there's every chance they'll (Aussies) play two spinners in the Ashes - McGill being the other to the obvious Warne.  Punter said, "There is every chance we'll play two spinners - it's something that will suit Australia." - Stuart McGill was out practising with an Eagle - see how he did!

It's true; two spinners could be the go for both sides, especially at Adelaide and Perth. Monty and Giles will be backing each other, and McGrath still isn't backing either. He calls Monty the ‘weaklink'. Monty says of him, "Glenn McGrath probably just wants to wind me up. 18 months ago I was still at university doing my dissertation and Glenn would probably have never of heard of me - so if you put it context that's a massive compliment." - cf says you need a dissertation to attain that level of logic - but it works.

By the way Shoaib 2 years ban. Mohammid Asif 1 year - both declined to have their B samples examined...

In the real world...shampoo dispensers in shape of women's breasts have two suckers on the back which can be stuck onto the bathroom wall are on sale now.

head and shoulders please

Sir Paul's and Heathers divorce is such big news that Ladbrokes are giving 2-1 that the gold digger will get ₤51-100m. 3-1 she'll get less and 16-1 she'll get more than ₤400m of Paul's £800m fortune. As Ladbrokes said, "We've never been asked for odds on a divorce settlement. Punters are going potty for it." - What's your odds Trigg?

Heather and Paul at breakfast

In fact she's got such a reputation as liar these days that even Billy's going to sue her for defamation. Jonathan Ross this week was quoted saying, "I wouldn't be surprised if she's got two legs."

Heather on the town

The average British bloke ogles at women for 6 months of the year. First up are boobs then bum then legs. He'll look at 8 different girls a day at two minutes for each one. Women, who are obviously novices on the perv scale, only clock 2 blokes a day at 90 seconds for each. That's only 1 month's worth. They target the eyes first then the arse.

Ogle or google

Michael Caine is 73 and is bored of film making and not interested in making the odd ₤10m anymore. He said, "I don't want to get up at 6 in the morning and go out and do something I don't want to do with people I don't want to be with. I don't need to pay the rent." - What a lightweight eh.

relax Michael

Boffs in Britain can now grow a human liver from a few stem cells and a couple of drops of blood from an umbilical cord. Dr. Nico Forraz said, "We've taken a little bit of umbilical cord and then it's all about enhancing things that already exist." - Bit of bacon and mash...lovely.

Lot of cod liver oil in that

As mentioned in the opening credits Halloween is a day for the dead or un-dead if you like. It's a day for them to walk about for a bit because they've got no where else to go. Brit, David Farrant 56 has got other ideas. He's a high priest of the Wiccan cult and he shagged a virgin on his All Souls Day, a 19 year old trainee accountant to be precise. They did it in an undisclosed property in Barnet - of all places - and he got 200 of his mates to watch him...they were in the buff too!

Dave

A spokesman for the British Psyche and Occult Society said, "Initiating a virgin on Halloween is very important for Wiccans in serious covens. After the girl has had full sex people are then free to have sex with one another. But it's not an exercise for a mass orgy. Sex is regarded as an essential life force." - How comes we only read about this stuff?

Ok, the caves where Osama Bin Laden used to hang out in Tora Bora are going to be turned into a holiday resort. Former warlord, now govnor Gul Agha Sherazi is pumping ₤5.3m into the project and said, "Tora Bora is world famous - but we want it known for tourism, not terrorism."

In Tora Bora

Lastly Nicole Kidman doesn't mind stripping for films. She says, "Honestly, is nudity on screen that big a deal? I think you say you're going to do something for a film because you believe in it artistically and you don't censor yourself emotionally. I like the love scenes and the nudity ones if they are necessary for the piece and it's not exploitation it doesn't way that heavily on me." - Your sexploitation motivation has made a lot of fans very happy Nicole - keep up the good work. Now just slip behind that screen and take your clothes off please.

Nicole's new film

Be aware.

cf