Crazy Fool's Newsround - 27th Aug - 2nd Sept 2010 volume 395

27th Aug - 2nd Sept 2010 volume 395
September, 01st 2010 20:56 PM

“I am just a new boy

Stranger in this town

Where are all the good times?

Who’s gonna show this stranger around?”

(Pink Floyd)

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 2.9.10

For 32nd Regiment Royal Artillery

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

The price you pay!

In the ‘Battle of the Sexton’s’; Tammy Sexton from Mississippi was shot in the head by a ·38-calibre handgun, she then carried on making a cup of tea as if nothing had happened.

Her husband, Donald, shot the 47 year-old in the forehead, which passed through her brain and exited the back of her skull. Realising his blunder he despondently retired to the porch and fatally shot himself.

Jackson county Sheriff, Mike Byrd reported the attending officer found Tammy, holding a rag to her head and muttering; “She was conscious, but she was confused about what had happened. She made herself a cup of tea and offered the officer something to drink.”

As a helicopter ambulance winged her away to safety, Sheriff Byrd disparately concluded, “You just don’t hear of something like this; somebody gets shot in the head and they’re dead.” – Tell that to Donald.

Need a stiff drink? Why not try James Gilpin’s, ‘Gilpin’s Family Whisky’ – the London designer’s tipple is made from the urine of diabetics, most notably his grand mother’s, as the brew from the elderly contains a higher sugar level.

Drive safely, unlike a woman from Elmond Place, Cincinnati Ohio, who was pulled over for illegal tinted windows. The arresting officer came across Colondra Hamilton with her trousers open, using a sex toy and watching porn on a laptop, which her friend was holding. Officer Ross Gilbert said, “This is a first for me.” – He then duly nicked her for ‘driving with inappropriate alertness.’

The council in Zurich have erected ‘sex-boxes’ in a down-town car park after prolonged complaints from neighbours. The 6ft high square boxes deny unwanted views from an ever despondent public. One member said, “They get up to all sorts in broad daylight, and we’re sick to death of looking at it.” – Policeman Reto Casanova (real name) said, “We can’t get rid of prostitution, so we have to learn how to control it.”

Sweden has not recognised the newly found religion; ‘Church of the Madonna of the Orgasm’, as it defames the Virgin Mary. Self applied Cardinal Carlos Bebeaucua proclaims, “The origin is the ultimate feeling of lust. It shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking, ‘wow’.” – Palindrome’s…phoawr!

Long distance kayak-er Brad Pennington had to retire hurt from the Missouri River 340 endurance race after a fish hit him on the head. The 30lb Asian Silver Carp are known to panic when vessels approach. He said, “It felt like a brick hit me.” Tracy Hill from the US Fish and Wildlife Services said this is a common occurrence. His workers even wear hard hats when attending to the river, “It’s extremely serious. These things can kill you.” – He said, and yes, Tracy is a Dick!

Archaeologists have unearthed a flaw in Roman fashion; namely a 2000 year-old sandal dug up on the A1 from Dishworth to Leening in North Yorks, UK. Rust on the nails clearly showed material fibres, which can mean only one thing – ‘Scandals in Sandals’ – Yep, the Roman Ninth Hispanic Legion wore socks with their sandals proving our dad’s Haute Couture has been spot on all along – As they say, ‘fashion can be bought but style one must possess!’ – The price you pay.

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Hole in My Shoe, by Traffic reached No.2 on its release in 1967 and in 1984 it also reached No.2, this time by Nigel Planner, playing Neil from the Young Ones. Steve Winwood was in Traffic. He’s from Birmimgham

Take it away Neil: (only available on website!)

What they’ve recently said:

Praise be - being the technological pygmy that I am, have only just sussed that all the usual bits of the old format cfn are at the bottom - what a useless twat that I am.

Having happily caught up on the fool's rants, I'm with you on the pork pie hats. I myself like the noble Homberg.

As for the flip - flop irregularity, I sport a thick soled style and the left one makes a constant hissing noise.

Always follow the Green X Code
Mr Troi Oi

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: TART FUEL – Bottled Alcopops; regularly consumed by young women.

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve, Geezer Butler, Albert Austin (silent film star), Roland Gift,

Famous Brummies – it’s Jasper Carrott.

Others are: Julie Walters (actually Smethwick); Bill Oddie; J R Tolkein; Edward Burne-Jones; Simon Le Bon (and the rest of Duran Duran); Tony Iommi (and the rest of Sabbath); Justin Hayward (and the rest of the Moody Blues); Roy Wood (and the rest of The Move, ELO, etc.); Steve Gibbons; UB40, Toyah Wilcox.

Check out www.birminghamitsnotshit.co.uk

And another Brummie is Martin Shaw (The Professionals; Judge John Deed, etc.).

Animal news

*Pig wrestling has been cancelled this month, as the pigs have gone missing. The annual Marias River County fair in US Monterey can’t find any of their pigs that roam free in a 10-mile radius of the fair. Pig’s off. Never have that problem with groundhogs…never have that problem with groundhogs…

*A bull in the UK, sorry, I forget where it is, and it’s not even a record, but anyhow it’s big, it’s 6ft 5” to be exact and still growing. At 1.2 tonnes…what is the difference between a tonne and a ton? Anyhow, that humungous sized cow, or bull to be exact, who’s name is Trigger by the way, Trigger – not seen you for a while, how’s those gee gee’s doing? The point being a bull like that could produce 7,665 Big Macs or 6,137 Burger King Whoppers.

*French Spiderman, Alain Robert 48 climbed Sydney’s Lumiere building at 495ft in 20 minutes. He was arrested in one second. His manager Max Markham said, “I hope he gets out soon so we can have some champagne.”

Number crunching

*The sexiest waist to hip ratio is 0.7

*Rod Stewart’s expecting his 8^th baby, well, wife Penny Lancaster is. But he says that’s it – no more, “Otherwise I’ll be working till I’m 90.” – Thought he was.

*Philip Warren 79 makes models of the UK’s Royal Navy ships out of matchsticks. He started in 1948 and has since made 432. On a scale of 1:300 he’s gone through 6,500 wooden boxes. If it were fool’s scale it would be 20/20. He’s also knocked out 16 submarines and a few US ships, most notably his biggest yet at 40 inches; the USS Nimitz. Referring to his first ship he built he said, “Matches were more common then – they were used all day, every day and every man would carry a match box with him.”

*John Lennon’s toilet sold for ten times the expecting price at £9,500 – that pot’s good shit man.

*Monopoly is celebrating their 75^th year at the top of the board games competition with a Rolling Stones version. Old Kent Road becomes Beggars Banquet, the train stations are named after their tours, money’s replaced by tickets and the water and electric companies are Charlie Watts and Ron Wood. Houses and hotels bit the dust for gold and platinum albums and the community chest and chance cards are questions on the group. Monopoly tops 103 countries in 37 languages. – What’s wood got to do with water!

New; from the makers of fuck-a-roo

That’ll do for this week.

Keep it wheel.

Just cf it

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz