Crazy Fool's Newsround - 26th Sept - 2nd Oct '08 volume 300!

26th Sept - 2nd Oct '08 volume 300!
October, 02nd 2008 06:04 AM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s 300^th newsround edition

That was the week weren't it;

The scene: From Hawaii’s blue hill tops to the famously vacant out-house in Las Vegas, fool has pursued the King for a world exclusive interview. Now, finally, he sits side by side the King on horse back on a carousel at a camping site in Holland, as his dream comes true.

fool: So, Elvis, word has it on the Marvin that you are a man of few words.

Elvis: A-ha

fool: Well, Ladies and gentlemen there you have it, conclusive proof, and exclusively brought to you live here from crazy fool’s news round. Back to you in the studio; narrator.

Narrator: Tit - Here’s the quiz:

1. What was the name of the king’s favourite snack which consisted of 1lb of bacon, peanut butter and grape jam squeezed inside a hollowed loaf of baked Italian bread?

2. What is the background colour of the United Nations flag?

3. How old is a horse when it changes to a mare from a filly?

4. What country are chrysanthemums native to?

5. What happens to something if it is – literally - petrified?

6. What does an ungulate animal have?

7. How was Ras Tafari Makonnen better known?

8. What is a glee club? A) A choral-music singing society B) A stand-up comedy club C) A society where members buy and exchange gifts

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com (just hit the contacts button)

WHO AM I? Ello, ello, ello, what’s all this then? Clue No.3 went down a treat last week, with the Legal Eagle snapping up the first pickings, which leaves us just enough crumbs to bake a new one; clue No.1: “Unlikely to win a look-alike competition but there’s no doubt I probably gave one of the better versions from the King’s repertoire.”

For the results to last weeks Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 36 in the 2008 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in – confused? Good.

For those who say scones instead of scones the correct pronunciation actually is scones…

Dracule: 17 (1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 12 (1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ)

Quizmaster: off the marc! 5 (1 or 1, 1, 1)

Casualty: cruising on; 1

Others: unknown

Quote for the week:

My Nan has a picture of the United Kingdom tattooed all over her body. You can say what you like about my Nan, but at least you know where you are with her.

Harry Hill

*Non-descript trivia moment*

DINING ABOARD THE TITANIC

FIRST CLASS DINNER MENU . 14 April 1912

Hors D’oeuvre Varies . Oysters

Consommé Olga . Cream of Barley

Salmon, Mousseline Sauce, Cucumber

Filet Mignons Lili . Sauce of Chicken, Lyonnaise . Vegetable marrow Farcie

Lamb Mint Sauce

Roast Duckling, Apple Sauce

Sirloin of Beef, Chateaux Potatoes

Green Peas . Creamed Carrots . Boiled Rice . Parmentier & New Potatoes

Punch Romaine

Roast Squab & Cress . Cold Asparagus Vinaigrette

Pate De Foie Gras . Celery

Waldorf Pudding . Peaches in Chartreuse Jelly

Chocolate & Vanilla Éclairs . French Ice Cream

fool’s Gold

The human body contains enough fat to make seven bars of soap

85% of red lingerie is purchased by men

Alaska is so massive that if you saw a million acres of it every day it would still take you a whole year to see it all

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

Oh tell me what’s the word, oh word up…

This week's word is a real word, sort of.....US'ETOSK - pig latin for wealthy banjo players being worshiped by strange religious cults to gain sympathy.

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Having no blue cheese and crackers in my house this week, when I specifically dreamt about it and planned to get but when I went to the fridge it wasn’t there – BASTARDS!

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and buckets of wine by the err, bucket... plus beer, oh yes beer, don't forget the beer...they have beer you know. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam – I think! – Some cracking live music too folks.

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details. – Prototype sandpit looks good mate

is it me?

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. What's coming up next folks?

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Mate; the minced lamb – love it.

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam!

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember, there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left.

*Digger; tells us what he thought of that

*Trigger: When I said I bet yer you said you’d better, you better you better you bet.

*cf's new radio show: - OUT NOW – new and improved, with all the buttons – fool’s tip: to avoid (clap, clap, clap) “And welcome…” every time you open the site press pause/play and forwards and rewind buttons! – Next one out in Oct.

*Tit-bits – .../...…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – although now slightly old* - Slice o' snake n pigmy pie with oysters – it's the proverbial's (new one next week – didn’t realise it was Thursday already! – Ok next week or the week after, hang on, just let me get my shit together)

Poetry Corner: Still reliving...I said re-living!... my youth and just can't get enough of Quadrophenia at the moment – try a slice of Roger's theme...goes to the tune of...¶ ♪♫ ♀ ♪ﷲ ♫…will keep it there, whilst I debate on the next one.

*new...Fishman...new...Fishman – Read all the Fishman’s tails in On The Pond, May ‘08’ – new one coming soon folks, but for now read about an exploding monkey, a coconut and a lesbian diver – it’s all happening on the island.

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – it’s just a matter of time

Mr. Meaner... Come clean son…

Now, you’re just in time for the rugby bit dun, dun, dun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen do move on:

Some Guinness, to wash down the Beaujolais followed by a bit of Roo:

Bath got back to their old attacking ways with a five try haul over Worcester 37-19 causing the Warriors coach Mike Ruddock to reflect; “Bath have got a lot of pace once they get behind you. They are very difficult to stop.” They then carried on their form with a mid-week win over Wasps 27-23. Cipriani made his comeback here as the score chopped and changed but it was Matt Stevens who stole the show, supplying and scoring tries.

Saracens took a well earned win at Northampton 26-12, where Eddie Jones admitted, “The application was excellent.” – Mind you, having two Saints yellowed within six minutes did help, although at 12-12 it was a brave decision from Borthwick to go for the tries.

Saracens went on to methodically take apart Bristol 23-16 with Glen Jackson controlling proceedings. Meanwhile Northampton played their mid-week battle against Leicester and narrowly lost 29-19, which was sore for them but good to see England duo Hipkiss and Ellis return for the Tigers.

Harlequins were pipped by the Irish 27-28. They held the game 20-3 at one point and admitted that they could only blame themselves for coming unstuck. Did you know Danny Care played at Sheffield Wednesday’s academy for three years before he was told he was too short to play pro football so he switched to rugby!

Newcastle dumped Bristol 17-3 which saw Sgt. Wilko top the Premiership points table with 1,482, which as their Director of Rugby commented was “quite amazing considering how much rugby he’s missed.’ – And so will continues to do so as he dislocated his knee against their defeat against Gloucester on in the week 39-23. Although he did manage to up his tally to 1,489 before he slipped off.

Sale continued to shine with a fourth straight win as well as not yet conceding a try – this time it was against Gloucester 23-9.Coach, Philippe Saint-Andre explains, “The defence is all about organisation and commitment and the guys are working very hard for each other.” - Which is all well and good until you lose their mid-week game, which is what they did against the Irish and conceded four tries in doing so!

And Wasps finally got their first win of the season over Leicester 28-19. Staunton put 23 of the points to the boot. And Tom Rees, who got man of the match conceded, “That was badly needed to get our season back on track.” It also had a few good punch-ups too, which you can always rely on between these two teams.

Over in the Magners League Cardiff Blues thumped a shocked Connaught 58-0, I say shocked because believe it or not Connaught actually played well, until Cardiff snuck in five tries in nine minutes!

But let’s go under the tunnel to Frog-land where Toulouse beat Perpignan 30-12. It was a cracking game where Byron Kelleher really feels at home in the pirate sea-side town in the south of France. Out on the paddock joining him were old sea dogs; Skrela, Jauzion, Fritz, Cusiter and Heymans.

But it’s Stade Francais that have made it six out of six by beating Bourgain, 32-25. Mark Gasnier, the Aussie leaguey made his debut to rapturous applause, even from back home in Australia in Mortlock’s living room; to whom he (Mortlock) rates will soon be a Wallaby star. But if he’s the talk of the town, Aussie coach Ewen McKenzie is tipping Juan Martin Hernandez to be the talk of the Heineken Cup, which starts in a couple of weeks. He said, “He’s in the same mould as Steve Larkham, who play as well in defence as in attack and can conjure up something from nothing.”

Clermont picked up a four try bonus point over a defenceless Biarritz – 32-6 and Brive did the same at home to Dax 41-9. Andy Goode helped himself to 19 points there.

Mont-de-Marsan and Montpellier played a cracking game with the Pelliers sneaking it 26-16 and Montauban just licked Castres 24-23 with a last minute try

Lastly Bayonne secured second spot on the ladder by beating Toulon 19-15 with a nice No.9’s try from Cedric Garcia to seal the game.

Some shorts:

Over in Western Australia talk is being played down about John Mitchell being an arse. Earlier in the week it looked as though there was a full-on player’s revolt after a dossier of complaints was handed over to the board. One of them being when Mitchell stormed out of the dressing room in one of last seasons Super 14 games and The Git asked for the door to be locked so he couldn’t get back in. However, Nathan Sharpe says that’s a load of tosh and nonsense and the dossier is just a review of the club as a whole and as for the Mitchell fella he says, “He’s an intense fella. That’s the way he is. He is competitive.” – An arse then!

Lastly, if you’re a Wallaby and wannabe a Wallaby you gotta play in Wallaby-land. Mortlock is backing that decision; “The mechanism that seems to be the most positive is having players chosen that are playing in Australia.” – There goes his backing of Gasnier then!

Call the fool if you want to back against England for the 2011 cup! Curiously he’s had one taker!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

Called the John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

Michael Vaughan is determined to play for England again after not being selected for the Indian tour this winter on account that Geoff Miller said his position in the team; “cannot be justified.”

That deterred Vaughan none, who said he’ll have a rest then play some indoor stuff come December and perhaps have a jaunt overseas come January to get him back in the swing of things, but not for South Australia he won’t as their high performance coach James Cox explained, “He has never been considered as a candidate for the Redbacks this season and he will not be playing for South Australia.”- Oh well, ne’er mind Michael, I’m sure your agent’s trying very hard to find a team that’ll have you.

Warney’s been giving his views on the KP fella and reckons he’s got the makings of the world’s best batsmen; “He has bags of confidence, and let’s be honest about it, he has a lot to be confident about. Not many batsmen can average 50 in Test cricket, but still look as though they are capable of better.” – He’s pretty wise is Warne, he’s also a knicker-packing, lager-swilling, bald flabby bucket – no offence mate.

Currently the second best Test batsman in the world is Sachin 35 and he’s fit and raring for their home four Test series against Australia starting in Bangalore on 9^th October. The Little Master’s elbow is fine and he’ll be itching to run up the 76 runs required to knock off Brian Lara’s record Test runs – he’s on 11,953 at the moment.

Lastly the ICC have ruled out piss breaks after the Punts whinged enough over the past three years since he was run out in the Ashes by substitute fielder Gary Pratt. – I used to know someone called Nicholas Pratt once, which always made me laugh.

Till next week…

Other sports:

Singapore’s night-time Grand Prix was a hoot last weekend with the spills the crashes the running over of steward’s feet and especially the Ferrari’s pit crew who if not have already had the inhumanity of being dragged halfway around the circuit on the end of a pipe have all been sent back to work pumping petrol on the Macedonian border. President Luca di Montezemolo got his teeth into not winning; “All this is humiliating for F1 and it is an aspect I want to talk about with the other teams in the next few weeks. When we race on tracks which should be made for the circus anything can happen.”

Fact: Williams are the only team who are not a car manufacturer or are owned by a billionaire and their loss last year was only ₤21.7m – ₤6.3m less than the previous year!

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Johnny Depp has kept himself busy lately with a fourth Captain Sparrow under his belt, an Alice in Wonderland under his Mad Hatter and a feather in his cap as Tonto opposite George Clooney’s Lone Ranger. Did you know The Lone Ranger started out as a radio show in the 1930’s!

Britain’s have got themselves bigger boobs these days – it’s official – Clothes shop Debenhams said so and they should know they sell bras. Lingerie buyer Sharon Webb says it’s all down to changing body shapes, plastic surgery and accurate measuring techniques and more plastic surgery. The average size has leapt from a 34c to a 36D. In fact 63% of bras sold are D and above, some stretching to a G, H and even a J… for jeez!

Damage from wearing high heels is also on the up as Brits spend ₤29m a year on corrective surgery for bunions, toe straightening; toe joint replacements, corns, trapped nerves and in-growing toe nails. – I’ve got a trapped nerve in big toe yet my dessert boots are relatively flat!

John Stirling 59 wouldn’t be fazed by a slice of corrective surgery though, as he cut off his arm in a chain saw accident and calmly went round to his neighbour and knocked on the door, with his one good arm, and said, “I’ve cut off my arm.” Neighbour Steve Francis said, “He was as relaxed as could be. I didn’t realise anything was wrong until I looked down and saw his arm missing.” – 14 hours of surgery fixed that.

18 year old Oliver Morales was mugged of ₤50 in the streets of Stuart, Florida by four topless blondes wearing only stockings and suspenders. He is said he is frightened it might never happen again.

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIV! “Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.” Homer Simpson

Led Zeppelin are back for a tour after Robert Plant 64 heard other group members started auditioning singers, of whom some were very good. John Paul Jones said, “He realised he couldn’t face the thought of not being involved.” – The world’s Tour de Force of Rock n Roll sold 300m albums in their ’68-’80 reign – I’ve only got about four of them!

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque; “Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.” – Nuff said.

Swiss adventurer Yves Rossy 49 finally made it across the English Channel under his rocket fuelled home made wings. He did it in 9m 7secs and said, “I didn’t feel a moment of fear. There was tension and bees in my belly but it was a perfect flight.” – Must have been buzzing.

Nasa celebrated its 50 year existence this week, but it was a young nerd called Elon Musk 39 who became the first person to privately build a successful rocket, which as we speak is orbiting the world. The man who built Falcon 1 was originally a co-founder of PayPal internet bank said, “That was freakin awesome.”

Meanwhile a hiker has found the ID cards and some $100 bills belonging to missing adventurer Steve Fosset who was announced legally dead last February when his light plane went missing from Reno to Nevada. I mean really, how careless, how do you get lost in this day and age?

Another failure in the air was Stephane Rousson 39 who’s pedal powered zeppelin didn’t have the legs to make it across the English Channel. He pedalled for 7hrs but admitted defeat saying, “We were about three-quarters of the way across but the wind was blowing in the wrong direction.” He said he was happy because it wasn’t a technical problem, but just the wind, although was financially a bit pinchy, “All my money over the past five years has gone into achieving this – I’m in quite a bit of debt.” – Write a note to Robert Plant mate.

19 Dolphins at Kinosaki Marine World in Japan are to go on a diet after trainers found them to be overweight and having problems jumping through the hoops and treading water sitting upright. Spokesman Hario Imazu said, “We were puzzled by their poor performance then we noticed they looked rounder.” – They soon canned the fatty mackerels and dished out more white fish. I love mackerel; I’m coming to get some soon Kim Hai

Not unlike Charlie the 20ft crocodile that lives in the Endeavour River north Queensland – he’s not fussy about his diet, as he recently ate Brit camper Arthur Brooks 63 – yikes! A fellow camper said, “Arthur went down to check his crab pots and never came back. All they found was some huge skid marks and claw prints in the mud on the river bank. Most likely he’s been eaten.” – You’d leave skid marks too.

As so too did a wee rat terrier dog called Jake who was having his daily swim in the mariner of Islamorada, Florida until a five foot shark came along and ate him. Owner Greg LeNoir was so incensed he dove in the water and repeatedly hit the shark on his back with his fists till he spewed out the stunned rat. – Do you believe that? Hmmm.

It’s been noted that the Welsh are the fattest tribe in the UK with the North West coming in second and London third, which leads me to inform you that Britain has the most takeaway restaurants and food stalls in the world! The biggest comfort food is chocolate, followed by a bacon sarnie then roast dinner – Bunch of lardy’s; should get themselves down to London’s 6^th annual 7km Great Gorilla Run. 750 turned up in their gorilla suits last week for the gig, which James Burton won, he said, “I run regularly but it was much harder wearing the hat and heavy gorilla costume.” – Wild? I was bloody livid – name that show?

A ₤1m pound bank note is going under the hammer today at London’s auctioneers Spinks and is expected to fetch between ₤35-40,000, which doesn’t figure. And talking of wonga; Britain is to stop giving China its annual ₤39m aid after they recently spent ₤20b of their own corrupt gains on the Olympics and also managed to putt a man into space this week.

Lastly doctors are baffled by Aussie girl Natalie Adler from Melbourne whose eyes are either open for three days at a time or they are shut. When they are shut she sees through a slit in her left eye. She says, “Something happens over night (on the third night). I go to bed and I can open my eyes and then I wake up the next day and I can’t. Nobody knows why.” – Doctors believe its something to do with a random muscle spasm called blepharospasm. She continued, “On my 18^th birthday, my eyes were closed, but on my 21^st they were open, so I had a party.” – Good on yer.