productions presents

That was the week weren't it...

Self Made man Part II

Narrator: No, no, no, sorry, just won't do, Self Made Man Part deux has been postponed this week folks, sorry. What, shame, bang, ne'er mind. What, hey, ho, What. (Whispers off mike) Have you gone stark crankingly mad fool? What kind of drivel is that nonsense of a song to introduce this week's hebdomadal basket of banality? - George bloody Benson - I ask you!

fool: I know it's not rock n roll, but I like, like it, yes I do.

Narrator: You've gone deranged boy, I'll send for the Doctor.

fool: Oh, Doctor Doctor, can you hear me calling calling.

Narrator; No fool, I said I will call, you sit there, lie there or just stay there, what ever it is you do.

fool: call me, call me-eee call me, call me anytime, call me.

Narrator: Yes, quite. I think we've heard quite enough of that dribble. Now take this and lie down (Whack...thud)

(Silent pause...murmur...then...)

fool: Down down deeper and down, down down deeper and down argh -an on an argh-ner-ner dun, dun, dun, dun (Inaudible rant)

Narrator: Ye Gods, what have I started here...

fool: ...it's all been burning since the world's been turning...

Narrator: Right fuck it, that's it, that's where I draw the line...

fool: I ain't happy, aint feeling sad, got...

Narrator: You'll get a big fat lump of this if you don't belt up soon yer mad-dog, fool, crazy fucker

fool: Why don't you shut your mouth, shsssh, she said...she said...my little...

Narrator: Holy fuckarino - that's enough, if you haven't got seven tunes and artists deciphered from this drivel by now then my name is Lugar - make that eight!

(Off camera fool and Narrator take off their Halloween masks of Peters and Lee and sit down to a cup of tea)

Narrator: (Now masquerading as Cab Calloway - the Scottish Iraq-ian arms dealer who works out of a London taxi on Blues Brothers Street announces...) And now folks it's this week's quiz...

Blow me!

1. Halloween is more commonly known, in the brighter circles, as; a) Arseholes Day b) All Soles Day c) All Souls Day - and was ‘invented' by who?

2. Which European country has the only active volcanoes in Europe?

3. How many bits are there in a byte?

4. What word links an ice-cream holder and a brass instrument?

5. What does a trishaw driver do with his legs?

6. In Peter Pan which part of Peter was kept in a draw?

7. What is the name of the world's largest Gulf?

8. Which city is currently home to the Mona Lisa? A) Rome B) Paris C) Madrid

Get all the answers and more under *Comps & results - For all of fool's nuggets from the comps.

 WHO AM I? Lots of who and ha and ooh-aye and uck mon that's my pint and yuse sup it agin an' I'll smash yer wee little fookin face in, savvy? - Which of course had nothing .t'da wid thar previous clues like, but...' ‘Nurse, he's going under, he needs another song...' ‘Ooh ooh ooh the funky gibbon, we are here to entertain you...' Argh, that's better. And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the last Clue(s) were about got, with the WAI of course being Davy Crockett - with an e not an i - and of course not to get confused with his mate David Bowie who was of course a cousin of Jim's. But I digress because now its time for a spanker of a new-un. So over to Clue. Itchy bum (He's so bilingual - ooh, I know) - ; ‘¶He's gonna save every one of us, ♪ he's gonna save every one of us, ♫he's gonna save every one of us...no he's not, not if I have anything to do with it.'

is it me?

*NEW *NEW*** Non-descript trivia moment*NEW *NEW***

Birthstones

January...Garnet

February...Amethyst

March...Bloodstone

April...Diamond

May...Emerald

June...Pearl, Alexandrite

There are more than 15,000 different kinds of rice.

Got too much foam on your beer then lick your finger and stick it in it!

But now those who can only afford the bus please step aside for...

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Wine, sangria, mojito, live music, amazing food - what more do you want? - See what's on every Wednesday in the *classifieds

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. I was there recently - I was happy.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Cometh October- cometh the meat tray - check dem and more out in de *classifieds - Quite getting into the burgers this week dude.

Jaspas: marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness - Go nuts for it - I am. See them in the *classifieds. There's more on offer here that meets the eye!

Al Frescos: And still, you can take home two pizzas and only pay for one - I ask you - that's just crazy - every Tuesday at Al's - make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new restaurant - is it nearer to you?

*classifieds - something for the weekend?

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Ok, what's on in cfn this week?

*Digger has a plenty to keep the hardened outta season footie fan going this week - tune in.

*Trigger in the meantime will be warming your flutter finger for the up-coming Melbourne Cup - read all about it. Plus this ↓

*Tit-bits - always a tickle on this page - give it a whirl *Grub-Up will continue to delight you with Cameron Diaz' lips on the side, (New menu coming soon), whilst *Fishman - informs the fool he IS coming back to the helm soon, and *Bongo Massif Bro's - The manager has arrived, now where's the rest of ya?

Mr. Meaner...You see this...good...well I'm gonna ram it... (Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

But now it's ruggerflyby; and what did happen this week?

‘They're changing guard at Buckingham Palace; Christopher Robin's gone down on Alice...'

If there was any doubt over the professionalism in the game of union than there could surely be no doubt now, now that the managers have entered the world's of Mourinho, Fergusson and Ossie Ardilles - argh good old Ossie - is he still Argentinean?

Whilst the murdering bastard Boks have been on their six city ticker-tape parade, finishing up in Cape Town this week - their leader in crime Jake White has effectively resigned.

Well you never know over there, what we do know is that he didn't re-apply for his job, which expires on 31^st December in the Gregorian calendar, which has nothing to do with George, but the British did first adopt it in 1752 and the world lost 11 days! But I digress for Jake the Peg is not filling the hole!

There are three Dutchies who are applying though, in the moulds of; Heyneke Meyer, Peter de Villiers and Allister Coetzea, but then bang who's this that's also on the short list; Chester Williams - they're having a giraffe aren't they?

Jake's final swaree with the Boks will be their mini tour of the UK later this month when they play the Welsh on the 24^th and the ever so increasingly sell-out Baa Baa's on that magnificent date of the 1^st December.

I say sell-out, because it's been widely reported that in recent festival games the Barbarians have been reported to have actually trained prior to games - scandalous.

John Smit, the world's winning captain went on to remind the fool that his team (The greatest team ever, as all of South Africa recalls) is not and never will be racist, and also used that notion to convince the SARU concerning the quota system that will inevitably see an all black side come the ALL Blacks home World Cup of 2011; he said, "There is no colour in our team, everyone, no matter what their colour, gives everything.' -  He then went on to splash on about brotherhood - this team being in spirit together for ever - Jesus - love - boerewors - Nelson Mandela and Michael Caine, then he buggerred off to France where there's bigger bucks.

Incidentally France is where Byron Kelleher is now with Toulouse whom he claims play like the All Blacks, stating, "It is the same terms, the same desire to keep the ball alive or to try and run with the ball and give it up to the backs." - Believe it or not, your land of the long white cloud aint an exclusive, ‘we're the only team in the world that plays running rugby' club - ever seen the Saigon Geckos mate?

But hey-ho, to the Taffs, who are all change too with Jenkins already gone, and who's this sniffing at their door, none other that John ‘Knuckles' Connolly, and he's made it clear that if he gets the nod he wants his old chum Scott ‘fellow Oz' Johnson there with him. - Sweet...dude...sweet.

Knuckles obviously has a taste for the bracing South Wales sea breeze and their orange people because he said so. Quote; "I've got a good relationship with Gavin Henson after I coached him at Swansea. Gavin could be a superstar at the next World Cup." - Surely they're not all orange in Swansea are they; it's just him, isn't it?

Meanwhile back in the land of the Roo, old head Alan Jones kissed his chance of the top job goodbye when he categorically slated the notion of playing rugby, well its style, by almost pooh-poohing the idea of any kind of set piece relevance, the olde pick up and drive and that the ball should basically just be run non-stop.

When someone reminded him that is rugby league he quickly changed tack and proceeded to pooh-pooh the idea of any need for plans, "You don't need three year plans in any of this, we are not short of talent, we are short of method." - And cash, as it seems, as the ARU are struggling to keep hold of Latham, as he swings ever closer to either Ulster or Bristol, as Pat Howard explained, "We can't match them dollar for dollar, but we will do our best." - You can't ask for more than that. I want more. I just said you can't.

So with Jones shooting himself in both feet the likely candidate for the Aussie job is Kiwi Robbie Deans, who simply hasn't decided if he'll go in Australia's or New Zealand's corner.

He's pretty much got the nod from both camps, with Warren Gatland close on his heels but then he (Gatland) is also keen on Connolly's job in Wales - still with me? Good.

If Deans does go to Aus then fellow Kiwi, John Mitchell wants in too - as his No.2 - ‘Yes we're all queers together, that's why we go round in pairs, yes we're all queers together excuse us why we go upstairs.'

Ok, let's hop over the seas to Blighty, where it's all been going on. There's no bitterness or excuses but the obvious evaluated report card from the final needs to be ticked, and to fool's mind Andy Gomarsall best summed that up, by explaining that the Boks were simply and ultimately too powerful for them.

He said their physical and raw power at the sets and breakdowns eventually wore them down, which of course we all saw. Cueto's ‘no try' was the turning point, and by no means was he using that as an excuse, but explained, "The momentum we built up was lost and South Africa grew from that moment. It seemed like whatever we did for the rest of the game we just could not break their defence." - Whereas New Zealand and Australia are still claiming they would have won hands down!

Gomarsall also paid tribute to the now ex-rugby player and calendar devotee, George Gregorian Gregan, as he chatted to fool's aerial correspondent Bob Dwyer whilst on a holiday flight to Oz, hang on a minute where are we? I thought we were in Blighty, now we're back on a flight, with Bob, to Oz! Keep up fool - Gomarsall noted, "He is the greatest scrum-half ever in the world." - Has he seen fool?

Gomarsall also praised that bloke who looks like a girl - Matt Giteau, suggesting he should be the man to take over from the calendar bloke. He mused, "It's just a fact that he's so good at inside centre or fly half as well that there's the problem, who do you put in that position that could have such an affect as he has there, scrum half might also be a wasted opportunity for him.' - Oh for fuck-sake, make your mind up!

Let's go back to Blighty again where the managerial shit has really hit the fan. - Suddenly Ashton is now a useless old clown, who couldn't organise a cheese and ham toastie in a café that sports only cheese, ham and a Breville!

Not only has some no hoper who was a volunteer media liaison officer in the World Cup slated him from here to kingdom come, but so too have a couple of notable retiree's in the shape of Catt and Dally. - ‘Yes we're all queers together...'

Andy Mensa, the volunteer media liaison officer, who no doubt is miffed at just being a volunteer, whilst every clown and their dogs were on the IRB payroll, ranted on about there being no shape in training, no organisation, and basically no leadership and direction what so ever. He said, "The first ten days in particular were a shambles." - Really!

They all went on the piss in an Irish bar called O'Paris, which is in Versaille, after their pool loss to the ‘Is-its' from 5p.m. - 2.a.m. And only when Sgt. Wilko came back to full fitness did anything in the England camp get done.

Dally said, "We felt like a pub team.' - You were.

Catt said, "We went into the S.A. game (Pool) with no direction, no shape and consequently no belief. It was the worst week I had known in International rugby."

Meanwhile old hard head nut and possibly Ashton's replacement Dean Richards told the pair of idiots to shut it; "After all, England did reach the World Cup final. There is a code in rugby that dirty linen is not washed in public.' - Yeah, but what's that got to do with kicking Ashton in the balls?

That's all for rugby this week folks - tune in next week for some more crap.

Here's the new World Cup winning captains pick of the week:

John Smit's best ever curly haired XV

• 15. 14. 13. 12. Bob Dylan 11. Leo Sayer 10. 9. Harpo Marx 8. Magnum 7. Robert Plant 6. Roger Daltry 5. Elliot Gould 4. Donald Sutherland 3. 2. Shirley Temple - she always had 56 curls in her hair! 1. The neighbour from That 70's Show

Other results:

End rugby here!

Ok, a willow the whisp of cricket now:

The bitchiness doesn't stop with the rugby either gang - because it's just as claw-ingly bad in the serene and peaceful world of cricket, where Jamaican authorities are still adamant Woolmer was poisoned then strangled to death, but then that's another story.

Duncan Fletcher is trying to earn a pound or two this time, by selling his book Behind The Shades, in which he suggests Freddie is nowt more than a drunken cunt.

He first dug the blade in around the fifth disc area causing a severe slip to the disc or rather hernia as they call it these days, by spouting, "I've supported a lot of players and I supported Andrew but then he drank again at the World Cup, after what happened in Australia while I was taking a pasting." - The slip has now hernia-d!

He then dug it in a little deeper by referring back to Aus where he stated that Fred turned up to practice pissed, and he (Fletcher) would have sacked him there and then had he not worried about the media backlash. - Poof.

As he went for the jugular he pretty much added a couple of thousand sympathy sales by pleading, "If he does ring me when he sees what I have written I will say, ‘At the end of the day, Fred, you let me down in an area you had real control over.'" - Yeah that should do it - death follows quickly.

Fred was too busy at home injecting heroin but his dad did respond to Dick Dastardly's tactics; "I'm upset he has done this for the sake of his book. Andrew has always given his heart and soul to England. I have spoken to Andrew about this and he is not happy.' - He is not sober...but he is not happy.

I was going ramble a bit about the Pakistan and Is-its ODI series but that's far too boring, so will tell you how Warney envisages Monty to become a world class ODI spinner - "He needs to work out his optimum pace in order to generate the most spin." - Yeah, just what fool was thinking?

"He should be aggressive with a defensive field and challenge the batsmen to go over the top." - Oh crickey, now he's slipped back to 1917 - think he's had an afternoon with Freddie.

Till next week...

Other sports:

Joe Calzaghe and Mikkel Kessler meet this Saturday in Cardiff for all the belts of the super middle weight division. 35-year-old Welshman Joe is on 43 - 0 and is the unbeaten WBO champ and he wants 28-year-old Dane Kesslers unbeaten 39 - 0 WBC & WBA belts, and he's angry; "I love the fact that Kessler said I can't really box and I can't punch. I love the false sense of security he has - I'm going to smash it out of him for that. It's great." - Yes, it is.

He then got all indecisive about what he is going to do after; "It would be very easy for me to taper down, maybe have some easy defences and retire, maybe go for Joe Louis' unbeaten record, but that's not what I'm about. Kessler and I have all the belts and my aim is to go down as the greatest super middleweight in history and then maybe one fight outside the division and call it a day. That's my goal. After Kessler two fights, absolutely tops and that's it for me. Let's hope greed doesn't take over and I carry on." - Jeez mate, just quit now - you sound ready!

The Tour de France has new rules, as an official explained, "If the season is a repeat of '06 & '07 it's the end of cycling. Everyone knows that." - There's going to be less mountains - just how do they do that...!

And now let's hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong

The world's biggest plane the A380 made its inaugural flight this week from Singapore to Sydney with 471 passengers. In first class you can get a double bed, but Singapore Airlines are quick to remind people this is no excuse for a quickie at 33,000 feet.

However passenger Tony Ellwood wasn't convinced and had a good point when he said, "So they'll sell you a double bed and give you privacy and endless champagne and say you can't do what comes naturally."

on board

His wife agreed, "They seem to have done everything they can to make it romantic, short of bringing round oysters." - I don't know, you ever done it with an oyster!

Back in the 80's mafia bosses voted 3-2 not to kill Rudy Giuliani, who was then the federal prosecutor. Those in favour, and get these names, Gambino boss, John ‘The Teflon Don' Gotti and Colombo chief, Carmine ‘The Snake' Persico. Against were, Bonanno boss Philip ‘Rusty' Rastelli, Genovese chief, Vincent ‘The Chin' Gigante and Luchesco boss Anthony ‘Tony Ducks' Corallo. - What kind of mafia boss is called Philip!

because

Bargain hotels Travelodge in the UK have employed a sleep Director on account of its ever increasing naked sleep walkers. There was a 7 fold increase last year pushing numbers to 400! They're nearly all men, and reasons have stemmed from stress, alcohol, disorder, alcohol...Leigh McCarren who is the Sleep Director said, "We have seen an increase number of cases over the years so it is important that our staff know how to help sleepwalkers when it arises." Fine choice of words Leigh.

Australian miners are receiving sex talks at work in order to increase awareness and inspire work productivity. They're called the ‘Toolbox Talks' and are going down a storm. James Richards from the Xstrata mine just outside of Sydney said, "The Toolbox Talks are a series of health briefings, addressing areas such as fatigue, prostrate cancer, nutrition, heart disease and this month we are addressing the item of menopause." - Which no doubt scared the life out of every man over 45 enough for them to put in over time rather than go home and ‘understand'.

A half naked Czech man climbed a tree in Cardiff and howled like a dog for hours on Wednesday until local man Martin Townly spoke with him, "I had a chat with him but he just said, ‘Leave me alone, it's my tree.'" - Which is fair enough.

Meanwhile Police Lieutenant Bruce Fergusson has stockpiled loads of chainsaws so that he and is men can chop off Zombies heads in Lansing, Michigan, US. - As you do.

new balls please

An immaculate copy of Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone sold for £19,700 at Christies this week. That's a lot for a book that you can get for £4.00 in any high street W.H.Smiths.

its a steal

Crazy Rock n roll capes part IX: Jay Jay French from Twisted Sister on Fast Eddie from Fastway as he dropped by their studio to record a solo song, "Fast Eddie had two guitar cases. One contained a guitar and the other was full of Jack Daniels." - Fast Eddie then proceeded to make Jay Jay drink it with him even though he (Jay Jay) was a teetotal!

Processed meat, which includes meats that have been smoked, cured, salted and added with preservatives, is the No.1 reason for bowel cancer according to The World Cancer Research Fund. Guess what, that's ham, bacon, pastrami, bacon, salami, bacon, frankfurters and bacon. - They'll get a cure soon, won't they!

A granny's knitting circle in Hamburg Germany has been inundated with orders after advertising on the web to make woollen willy warmers and bondage hoods. Well, winter is fast approaching there.

arse

Tommy Cooper Corner moment No.14: I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any. - The fool still loves you mate.

Boffs at the British M.O.D. headed by big boff, and the world's leading authority on the physics of Invisibility Sir John Reading, can make stuff disappear, most notably tanks. A scientist who went to check out the marvel himself said, "I looked across the fields and just saw grass and trees but in reality I was staring down the barrel of a tank gun." It's done with cameras and projected images onto a silicon coating that only shows the landscape that is beyond the tank. Sir John says, "It is realistic to expect battlefield applications in 5 years given sufficient funding. The theory is done and dusted. The hard work now goes into development." - David MacCallum here we come.

Ok lastly, 31-year-old Luana De Faveri has been fined $440 for exposing her breasts and crushing beer cans in between them at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, 54 miles south of Perth, W.A.. Another barmaid was also fined $220 for hanging spoons off her nipples, and the manager was fined $400 for not stopping them. Raunchy Promotions boss Stan Zielinski who contracted the girls to the hotel said, "To be taken to court for showing your breasts is an absolute joke." - Absolutely Stan, what was that bit about the spoons again?

Keep it clean

just cf it

cf