26th March - 1st April 10 volume 373
March, 31st 2010 21:37 PM

“I do I do I diddle I di”

(Chas n Dave)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zT-6fQ8lWig

You’re reading crazy fool’s newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

Reporter: crazy fool

Published 1.4.10

For the HAC – Honourable Artillery Company

The rugby bit:

Results = Results

Published 1.4.10 (there it is again, damn that date)

Heineken Cup: Nup

Guinness Premiership:

Northampton Saints beat Wasps 14-9 with the only try going to No.8 Roger Wilson – well done Roger Wilson/ Gloucester beat Leeds 19-0 with all the points awarded to Nicky Robinson – here’s to you Nicky Robinson/ Leicester floored Worcester 39-18. Toby Flood collected 24 points with tries from Jeremy Staunton, Ben Youngs and James Grindall. With only five games left Leeds remain bottom – hooray for bottoms/ Brendan Ventor said a few quality beers in Brighton helped Sarries notch seven tries against Newcastle winning 58-15. Schalk Britz and Ernst Joubert got two each with Noah Cato, Andy Sowell and Richard Hayton collecting the others/ L. Irish nilled Sale by 38. Chris Rudd opened the account in the 6^th minute, with Steffan Armitage bagging two. The others came from Chris Hala’ifua, Peter Hewatt and Alex Corbivesrio. – Well done them.

Top 14:

Racing Metro 92 beat Brive 25-18 by some big booting from Francois Steyn in the first half and second half tries by Chabal, Andrew Mehrtons and Sereli Bobo. Brive fought back with a Jamie Noon try and an Alexis Palissan penalty, but to no avail/ Castres stay top with a 26-10 win over Bayonne. Joe Tekori sealed that win on the hour with a try/ Clermont hammered Montpellier 41-3. Marius Joubert’s was the only first half score and not until the last quarter did the floodgates open, thanks to tries by Davit Zirakashvili, Brock James, Elvis Vermeulan and Benoit Cabello/ Perpignan handed Stade Francais a defeat of 44-23 with seven tries of pure brilliance. Jerome Porical, Farid Sid, Gerrie Britz and David Marty piped up in the first half. Porical scored again in the second along with Marius Tireu and Nicolas Durand. Mirco Bergamasco and James Haskell scored for the Parisians/ Montauban lifted themselves from the relegation zone with an away win over Albi 26-12/ Biarritz blew hot and cold managing a win over Toulouse 26-10, despite Toulouse’s 70^th minute try, which stemmed from a great back move started by Maxime Medard, who is still complete with JPR’s side-burns – he wants them back you know, and was finished by Traille in the corner…stay!/ And Toulon were just too strong in the end for Bourgoin and won 13-9

Magners League:

The Dragons slayed Ospreys 28-20. Will Harries and Mathew Watkins took first half tries for the Gwent & Newport outfit. James Hook kept Ospreys in the game with one of his own, before Aled Brew cemented the win despite a late consolation try by Andrew Bishop/ Connaught missed out to Leinster 14-17 thanks to a late Johnny Sexton drop goal. Fion Carr scored two second half tries for Connaught with a Rob Kearney effort stretching the gap and ultimately the win/ Munster beat Glasgow 27-19. Denis Hurley and John Barclay scored for each side in the first round with De Villiers sealing it five minutes to go/ Edinburgh held Scarlets 24-20. Grant and Visser scored for the Scots and John and Fenby the Welsh/ Blues took Ulster 19-9 in a poor game when the only try came from a flanker Maama Molitika over from a lineout against 13 Ulster-men – not all of them but the 13 left who hadn’t been sin binned.

Super14’s

The Bulls had to work hard for their away win over the Force 28-15 and with it have stayed unbeaten. James O’Connor’s boot kept the Force in the lead 12-10 at the break and only when Ryan Cross was yellowed in the 64^th minute did the Bulls take their horns and managed to pull off 8 points in Ryan’s absence. Pierre Spies continued to be ball carrier supreme and a great solo try by Morning Steyn and a third by Zane Kirchner clinched it/ Tah’s beat Blues 39-32 in a 9 try thriller. Just as the Blues looked to be going for the killer try Lachie Turner intercepted and sprinted away for an 85m winner. Both teams played attacking rugby with the Tah’s dominant at the early breakdowns. Two tries in ten minutes punished some sloppy defence as Dean Mumm bundled over and moments later Daniel Halangahua scuttled over from a tap and go penalty. Through 13 phases Rudi Wulf scored a cracker for the Blues on the right. Hal popped up for his second, whilst Rene Ranger and Isaia Toeava helped the Blues close the gap at 21-19 at the break. Rene found the line again on the 50^th minute but sloppy defence let Tatafu Polota Nan-bread in at 29-29. When coach Pat Lam saw the intercept take the game he described it as a ‘gut wrencher’/ Sharks took another win, 29-26 over the ‘Canes where Jacques Bote excelled/ Reds made hard work of the first half to eventually subdue Cheetah’s 31-10. Quade Cooper had a brain snap and tripped a player midfield, otherwise he and Genia continued to shine/ Brumbies scuttled Chiefs 30-23 with a last gasp try by Matt Tooma/ And Highlanders afforded themselves a win over Lions 39-29. Israel Dagg made his international status more realistic despite the Lions out scoring their hosts by 5 tries to 3. The silliest try scoring name went to Wigan Pekeur.

7’s

Lastly on the results page: Samoa, all of it, beat New Zealand to take the coveted HK7’s tile 24-21. With just London and Edinburgh to go the Samoans lead on 124 points with New Zealand on 121, Fiji 94, Australia 78 and England 74.

fool says:

He’s going to stick with the underdogs to smash up the big dogs and plumb straight for the Force again. This time against Stormers – what is it usually? – Yes, by 7.

Some shorts:

In the latest signings Dave Strettle joins the host of stars moving to Saracens, with recent names such as Matt Steven, Richard Wigglesworth, Kelly Brown and Soane Tonga’uiha –from Tonga – it’s in the name…Soane.

Bakkies Botha will head to Toulon after 2011 World Cup. Victor Matfield was of course there in 2007/08 season – of course he was, we all knew that.

Gareth Delve has confirmed his Rebels move suggesting something big is happening; “For Rod (Maqueen) to come out of retirement, this must be something special.” He said. Is Mortlock next? – “For Rod (Maqueen) to come out of retirement, this must be something special.” – said Mortlock!

And Eddie Jones tips France for the World Cup, saying, “It’s been shown they play well there for some reason.” – That’s it, my house on France – let’s crush the bastards

The Pumas are to be handed $10m by the IRB to tide them over at $2.5m a season on the Tri-Nations 2012-2015 seasons. Well, that’s as long as SANZAR agree. They want confirmation that all the big boys will play and they’re not just subsidising corned beef farmers.

Some competitions now: If you’d like to take part in or see fool’s rugby comps check out the comps & results page

Send your team(s) to cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

end rugby here!

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that… Sangria, mojito’s, plenty, plenty, plenty of wine and beer; Plus, The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam, and perhaps a little off centre of Phuket. Cracking live music too.

www.9dragons.asia

Have you had yours today?

A willow the wisp of cricket now:

A thribble

too far? Not likely.

Here is the cricket news taken from the exact order from my notes:

Andy Flower has hailed Bresnan as the next Freddie, remarking that he was the ‘stand out bowler’ on England’s recent tour to bangle-land.

He was especially pleased with his reverse swing, accurate bouncers and his physical prowess. Its love I tell you. Not to mention his 91 with the bat. Yet, he still had his reservations where the Indians only got one, and said, “I don’t know if he can do this in a more pressing situation, we’ll have to wait and see.”

Meanwhile Vaughan has laid down one of the fundamentals for pulling off a master stroke and said, “I wouldn’t have been able to sit at home as captain knowing I was fit to play.” Commenting on Levi’s 6 week sabbatical. “If we go to Australia”, he continues, “win the Ashes and Straussy has a stormer, it’ll be a masterstroke.”

In his defence from the barracking from the likes of Hussain and Beefy, Levi said it was a decision that involved himself, Flower and Hugh Morris, who knows how to tell ‘em.

Levi said, “We all make mistakes and I apologise.” – I’m sorry, that was actually The Ham’s apology after doughnut-ting his Merc outside the Albert Park F1 circuit in Melbourne.

Levi actually said, “The break was an opportunity we saw in the schedule. I don’t think I’ll need another one.” – Well, I’m sure that will put Beefy at ease.

New Zealand v Australia

Ross Taylor nabbed New Zealand’s quickest ever century on day 2 of the Hamilton Test. His fifth Test ton took just 81 balls and he went on to get 138.

After disposing Australia all out for 231 on Day 1 things looked rosy. Australia were 2 runs ahead at stumps on Day 2 though as the Black Caps all slid rather sheepishly for 264. Mitchell Johnson bagged the best with 4-59 with Bollinger and Harris on three a piece

Australia declared on 511/8 on Day 3 with Katich tonning up on 106. It took him a while to get going and only snuck his first boundary after 138 balls, but as he reminded us, “From 50 onwards I felt I played quite well.” Marcus North hung around with him for a while and raised his tool bar to 90.

On Day four three quick wickets in the final session saw New Zealand hurried to 185/5, still 294 adrift. Mitchell was the man again sending down 150kh hurlers earning him 3-39.

The Vet’s 100^th Test didn’t quite go to plan as he was gone on 22 by a leg before the proverbial from a Hauritz twirly one.

Day 5 went as expected. New Zealand went into play 293 behind and even with Brendan McCullum’s and Matt Guptill’s half century’s a rescue effort Hollywood proportion wasn’t on the cards.

Tim Southee tried in vain and was having lots of fun smashing Bollinger around until his card was up for 45. The Mitch proved yet again his consistency is keeping up with him as he bagged 6-73 and a 10 wicket total as Australia won by 176 runs.

The Punts was pleased with Mitch’s efforts but when asked what New Zealand could do, he replied, “Ask Shane Bond to come back and play, that would be a good start.”

Elsewhere in the briefs:

England’s season opened with the traditional county champs playing the MCC. The champs were Durham, but the venue wasn’t Lord’s. It was Abu Dhabi, under lights. The whites stayed white. The sunscreens stayed white, but the ball was pink.

The big-wigs in charge say Tests under lights will be up and running by 2012. But according to the Mayan’s, we’ll all be dead.

Michael di Venuto was on 131 and Kyle Coetzer 123* at 329-3 at stumps for Durham on Day 1 by the way. Can you guess where they come from? No. ok, Australia and an ‘Is-it’

Matthew Hayden continues to bat with his short blade and long handle in the IPL, much to the Indians annoyance, as its, well, not regulation. But Matty is a visionary, “Cricket’s landscape is colourful. Test cricket is your Rembrandt and the other formats are there to be painted in all different and exciting ways.”

I’m a Dali man myself, but hey, I’ve got a string of mushrooms popped up over night in my garden. I said to ‘Spud’ this morning, ‘who laid all those little white stones out in a neat row?’ – She didn’t know. They’re mushy’s – ha-ha. Not your Dali ones but a neat windy row of plump white buttons.

Michael Lumb is the latest ‘Is-it’ to be picked for England. He will open in the World Twenty/20 later this month with Kieswetter, who knocks Prior out of the squad altogether.

Lumb’s dad opened for England years ago with Geoff Boycott. He moved to ‘Is-it-land’ and Michael spent his first 20 years there. So did Kieswetter and Trott and KP. Prior was only born there, so never stood a chance really.

In the Ashes build up, The Punts reckons Oz have come off a prolific period where they set out to do exactly what they did. And did it well.

After smashing the Paki’s, the Windies and the Kiwis, The Punts said “There can be no excuses”, and “I don’t think we could be in a better place.”

Till next week…

In the meantime catch this if you’re there.

GTM: Probably the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

Other Sports:

In boxing:

David Hayes fights John Ruiz in defence of his WBA Heavyweight title. Hayes who beat the Beast from the East, Valuev last November has not even been spoken of in America according to Ricky Hatton. Nevertheless Hatton says he’s a fighter he’d pay to watch, “He goes for the knockout and takes chances that excites the crowds.” – And the girls who hold up the cards, they like that too.

In F1:

Jensen Button did the Melbourne double, crediting his win to a canny tyre switch moments before the race. McLaren’s put the slicks on knowing it would dry up after a recent down pour. I have to consider that with my herbs.

Rubika pulled up second followed by Massa and Alonso right behind. But the move of the day was the Ham mixing up and scooting past Button, Massa, Rosberg and Webber. Then he crashed it.

Vettel was also derailed due to faulty breaks and when asked what happened replied, “Shit happened”

Meanwhile Virgin have no chance of winning as their fuel tank is too small. It will be five more races and £1m before they can go at top speed all the way, as opposed to being mathematically 10 short, which they currently are.

World Cup news:

NOTICE*NOTICE*NOTICE

On March 28^th, from 4am, I will be attempting to run from one end of Phuket to the other – a distance of 40 miles/64 km. The run is in support of my brother’s charity which offers underprivileged young people in Goa, India opportunities to train and play competitive football. If you would like to donate please contact www.footballclubcanacona.com

BEEN THERE DONE THAT

I finished my Tip to Tip challenge in about 7 hrs 15 mins - superbly supported by Dave Dickson, Nifty Catts, Paul Walby and Rob Ford. Below are pictures of setting off from the bridge and arriving at Promthep Cape as evidence.

I was overwhelmed by the generosity of your donations and to date approximately 37000B has been raised for The Football Club of Canacona. If you pledged some money but haven’t been able to pay yet, you can do so at your own convenience. My brother has decided to instigate a new project with the money raised from the Phuket run and I look forward to sharing with you details of what your contributions have achieved.

A BIG THANK YOU FROM THE CHILDREN INVOLVED IN THE CLUB

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. www.bootlace.com
Not just a walk in the park

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Wood You?

Two 18^th century sex toys made from wood fetched £3,600 at Brentwood’s Antiques Auction this week. Fetch boy.

The 200 year old phallus’ wound in at 10 and 11 inches were described as, ‘An extraordinary and exceptionally rare Travel Godermiche,’ by auctioneer Wendy Wood (seriously!)

Labelled in the ‘Designed to please. Lot 340’ they were diagnosed as French. Wendy described them as, “A pair of wooden phallus contained with a fitted kid leather covered Treen case with strap fleur-de-lis decoration, one phallus 10 inches and with testicles and the other 11 inches and without testicles. You won’t see another one in a long time.” – Which says something about the buyer.

He’s half barmy so he’s army

Hitler was on 82 different medications. He even had ‘Viagra’ jabs in the form of Bulls semen. Yet he was stricken with incredible flatulence, for which rat poison seemed to be the only ease. Amongst his 28 hits a day was speed, sedatives and opiates. Eva Braun is not my lover, she just girl who claims that I am the one…gotta dance on the floor on my own…

Happy Easter

The Playboy outfit is on sale for the first time ever. To celebrate its 50^th year Hugh Hefner has marketed the bunny suit for £45 available from Anne Summers stores and online.

Yes, of course China’s been making them for years but does it suit farmer Mr Feng? He’s got huge man boobs and has to wear a big coat, as all the kids laugh at him.

Doctors are baffled by what they can best describe as ‘fatty tissue’ and want to find the cause before they cut them off. In the meantime they said, “The best we can suggest is that they are the biggest case of man boobs ever.” – Why thank you very much. Can I have my coat back now.

Oh yes, we have no bananas

Ex HGV driver Gerry Burks became Britain’s oldest dad at 74 this week. A day later he celebrated his 75^th. His wife and child are both doing well, and their 6 year old son David is chuffed to bits, but Gerry says, “I don’t think we’ll be having any more children – but who knows!”

David’s super proud of Pop’s; “My dad may be the oldest, but he’s also one of the best. And my brother Ryan is super adorable. I’m going to look after him.” – Probably more than you think Dave.

Gerry puts his virility down to bananas but has a long way to go to catch the world’s oldest, in Indian fella, Nanu Ram Jogi at 90. He must eat banana curries.

If you’re baby is late coming into the world, try plenty of exercise and hot curries. What goes in must come out.

Mine’s a Fucking pint

A brewer from Germany has been given the legal right to call his beer Fucking Hell Beer, named after a neighbouring Austrian village.

Stefan Fellanberg explained, “In Germany the word for a lager is Helles Beer, so we have protected the name Fucking Hell, which is lager from Fucking of course.”

The name came from Lord Focko with ‘ing’ meaning ‘family of’. There are other villages nearby called Kissing, Petting, Wank and Piss. The mayor of Wank, Jergun Sill is tired of tourists stealing their signs, which read ‘Welcome to Wank’ and urges them to just take pictures instead.

This sent in from Mr. Troi Oi regards The Times Online charging for their online paper:

Vienna Boys’ Choir caught up in sex abuse scandals

Roger Boyes, Berlin Correspondent of The Times

George Ratzinger has admitted hearing of cases of ill-treatment during his time as director of the Regensburg choir

The most famous choir in the world has been caught up in the wave of paedophile scandals sweeping Germany and Austria, with eight former choristers denouncing their teachers in the past few days…

Unfortunate name

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Black Sabbath was formed in 1968 and has had 22 former members. Ian Gillan is fool’s favourite’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu4C1T1cS2E

British boffs are trying out their new earthquake alert system – the Toad. Investigations have found that five days before a 6.3 magnitude quake hit Italy in 2009 96% of the toads left their mating grounds near the epicentre. After three days they were all gone. The Japanese found similar findings concerning catfish back in the 90’s

Most famous people from Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD: for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: STRESS PUPPY; A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Hai Ya!

Chin Wei 62 stuck a cucumber up his bottom in an attempt to commit suicide. The man from Hong Kong thought it would be a variation on hara-kiri. It wasn’t and it just left him with a very sore bottom.

‘av it

The first superman comic, Action Comics No.1, mentioned a few weeks ago, fetched 1m on Comicconnect.com online auctions. Vincent Zurzolo said, “Some of today’s most successful entrepreneurs were yesterday’s geeks.”

“They don’t want a Van Gogh or Picasso. They want collectibles that mean something to them. Our society is built on pop culture. Superman, Spider-man and Batman – they’re the icons now.” – Only as long as you’re selling them Vincent. Next it will be the first recyclable gadgets, like steam!

Roll up, roll up

A 3D face of Jesus will appear on America’s history channel tonight. Boffs have enhanced readings from the Shroud of Turn, who, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t that proved to be a fake and was most likely to be Jacques de Mornay the top dog of the Knights Templar aka The Masons. Either way if the Yanks are recreating it, he will look like Charlton Heston with the voice of James Mason.

All stay seated for the…

French Premier Nicolas Sarkozy has taken a small lectern with him to the US to make him look, acceptable, I suppose. The 5ft 5in President stood on a 6inch stool at the D. Day Commemorative Normandy landings ceremony, so as not to feel dwarfed by 6ft 2 Obama – all American Presidents are 6ft 2 by the way, And so was Jesus, And Gordon Brown at 5ft 11, but only because he’s Scottish.

When Nicolas goes to factory openings he is surrounded by selected short aides. His wife Carla gets her kit off at any given moment and recently a picture of her bum sold at auction for £5k.

She is 5ft 10 and whenever in public with him she has to walk in a pre-dug ditch built by short aides. There’s a sniff of Napoleon about all this.

Do you build a ditch!

Napolean rading crazy fool’s

3-2-1…Who turned the lights out?

The Large Hadron Collider is on the blink again. The £6b giant Ben Hur racetrack for speeding particles had been revving up for 11 days sending particles around the circuit under the Swiss French border at 3.5trillion volts.

The next step was to make them collide causing a black hole and therefore the answer to how the universe started. This is called God’s Particle. But they had a power cut.

The last time it broke down was because Sarkozy fell in it when aides let him off his stroller.

Some say the machine is constantly being tampered with as objectors suggest a black hole created will swallow up the earth.

Make it snappy

Ok lastly Barber Show Quartet singer for the Tetasta Tones Stephen Amer 32 has a repetitive strain injury from clicking his fingers too much. Apparently it happens to 1 in 50 people. Black Sabbath’s Tony Iommi has it in his hand from constant strumming. Sarkozy’s got it in his neck

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

And now this:

Play of the Day by Jimmy Hill

It was Him

The scene: its crazy fool’s day in fool’s house. Just after his cornflakes.

fool: I’m telling you, it was Jimi

Narrator: No it wasn’t. Don’t be silly. Here’s the quiz:

1. Where do Panama Hats come from?

2. What are the three Baltic states?

3. In which Shakespeare play does a ghost walk on the battlements?

4. In ‘Madagascar’ where do the animals escape from?

5. What is a gallivat?

6. Who wrote ‘How the Leopard Got His Spots’?

7. What disease are you suffering if you are scorbutic?

8. What religious group declared, ‘’Tis the gift to be simple, ‘Tis the gift to be free? A) Quakers B) Shakers C) Levellers

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

cf’s Quiz Night at… in 2010!

WHO AM I? – 2010 – Stumped at stumps last week was everyone - Wasn’t even Paul Simon. So, to a clue recap, “I sang a song about that mariner looking for water.” – I’ve completely forgotten who ‘I’ was meant to be, so let’s start a new one eh! “I was the best Dracula’s keeper.”

Is it me?

Send in answers to: cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

Welcome to the 2010 scoreboard; week 14 bonus points tally in brackets for the first answer in. (For all previous answers to the main quiz see: *comps and results page in the categories.)

With all the ones and the brackets:

The Slackers, pardon I, The Regulars

Dracule:

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1 (1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure:

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1, (1, 1, 1, 1)

Casualty:

Aye:

Others: flip-all

Let’s move on shall we:

Quote(s) for the week:

Basil: There is your bath.

Mrs Richards: You call that a bath? It’s not big enough to drown a mouse. It’s disgraceful.

Basil: I wish you were a mouse…

Fawlty Towers

*Non-descript trivia moment*

PATRON SAINTS

Children…St Nicholas

Miners…St Barbara

Syphilitics…St George

Hoteliers…St Armand, St Julien

Diplomats…St Gabriel

fool’s Gold

Approximately 60 circus performers have been shot from cannons. At last report, 31 of these have been killed

One way to tell seals and sea lions apart is that sea lions have external ears and testicles

A trilemma is a dilemma with a third alternative

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

www.alfrescosgroup.com

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

The word is we have no word

Letters:

Dear cfn

Have missed several editions recently due to a haemorroidectomy and have just been catching up.

Re the spot on the name Farquhar, there used to be a chippy in Perth called Johnny Farquhar's and every single day for donkey's years, a bloke known as Piggy would go in and sit down to a scotch pie and chips (apart from Sunday when it was shut and he would go to Watsons Chippy).

Re the problem with defecating cats, I sprayed the lawn with WD40 and that cured the problem. I suspect the cat in question went home to sit in front of the fire and spontaneously combusted.

Do you have a fool proof method for making pub stylee picked eggs?

Mr Troi Oi

ED: Dear Mr. Troi Oi,

Pub stylee pickled eggs are bred from a very speckled pub hen, which come produced pre-lacquered in Sarsons malt vinegar, available only en-route from underneath an advertisement painted wall between Waterloo East and London Bridge railway stations.

Feel free to ask the conductor and he will kindly throw you out of the window, as unfortunately the train doesn’t stop between these stations.

I hope this helps

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Lies and fabrications – I drove to the airport yesterday. It was a beautifully foggy morning and as passing a 7/11 shop I noticed it was open. The time was five past six. I shall be writing to them.

This is the first ever paragraph break in this column – its history folks! In it, is a cashier at a bank called K – the bank, not cashier. I don’t know why it’s called K, but it is green and looks like a supermarket and everyone inside is Korean.

(Nb* another paragraph unprecedented) But that’s not the point, the point is I wanted to change some money, but they wouldn’t as the date on the $ bills was 1996, she said, “We cannot change this money.” “Why not?” I asked, “Because the date is 1996.” “What’s wrong with that?” I asked.” “I don’t know” she said. We asked her friend. She didn’t know either. “Hmmm” we all said, except they said it in Korean, which sounds a bit like ‘yachi-ta’.

(Enter paragraph 3, stage left) The only excuse I was rendered was ‘cannot’, which by Asian standards was pretty poor I thought. You’d think they would have at least noticed the wet paint on their fingers, but no, I was given no fob, no flummoxed stall, no berated foist, such as, ‘1996 didn’t exist’. Just a flat-rate ‘Cannot’.

(Nothing in this one) I felt used, cheap, left out, why wasn’t I being lied to, why couldn’t they make up something for me. I went home to ponder on this ‘cannot’ business and thought never ‘cannot’ again. Can the dancer who smashed her leg up in a car accident not dance again because of the pain? No. She chops it off and learns to dance with a prosthetic one. Can the rugby player paralysed in a game from the neck down defy the doctor’s odds of 3 years to live. Yes, He goes on for 40. In a hospital bed mind you - There’s only so many grapes you can eat. Did Roy Castle, mien host of Record Breakers defy the news of six months to live because of cancer? Of course he did and stoically declared there and then he’d do it in three. The list is endless and it’s the can’ts I can’t stand. Forget the lies and fabrications – can’ts - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

Mushy’s.

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

Let’s look at rocks:

Ok, what else is on in cfnr this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; I think he’s back for a new season

*Trigger: catching his brother soon

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Randall

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Adam & Valerie, Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…Ever wondered about…/……/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

*Comps and results

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…ok, we’re ready…’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available; only from the Blue Gecko

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity