26th June - 2nd July 2009 volume 336
July, 01st 2009 18:13 PM

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s  newsround

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning)

 

Plus the radio show – with a new look

 

That was the week weren’t it;

 

The scene: Somewhere in the Saigon Rhythm Factory Herodotus is auditioning for the radio show’s Talent spot…

 

Herodotus: Taken from the Histories Book III 157. Ahem… Thus he spoke, and the Babylonians, when they saw the man of most reputation among the Persians deprived of nose and ears and smeared over with blood from scourging, supposing assuredly that he was speaking the truth and had come to help, and he asked them…

 

fool: Shite! Get Off… turns to the Narrator… Where’s the piano playing chimp I asked for?

 

Narrator: That bastard Jeremy Clarkson’s got him. He’s replaced The Stig!

 

1.   What was marmalade originally made from?

 

2.  Who is Boo-Boo’s best friend?

 

3.  Which Russian word means ‘speaking aloud’?

 

4.  Ouzo is what flavour?

 

5.  Which is the slowest swimming stroke?

 

6.  Who had an 80’s no.1 with, ‘Nothing’s Going To Stop Us Now’?

 

7.  Juneau is the capital of which US state?

 

8.  Which one of King Arthur’s Knights of the Round Table eventually found the Holy Grail? A) Bedevere B) Lancelot C) Galahad

 

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com 

 

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Certainly wasn’t Sam Neil, nay neither the Clark Gable fella, but was certainly Russell Crowe, as sent in on the button by the Eagle; to these clues clue; No.1, “One of the Enz compatriots more famous exports, I’m now a tree hugger…of sorts!” – “It’s the tights that attracted me to this role.” – And now, welcome a new clue No.1, “I’m neither American nor contemplating how a long hot summer just passed me by.”

 is it me?

For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page. – Should have a sub-comp soon.

 

Scores at the end of week 25 in the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in:

 

For those on the edge, just hold on to this for me…oh:

 

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

 

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

 

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

 

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

 

Casualty: zip

 

Aye: 1 (1)

 

Others: 1

 

Quote(s) for the week:

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down

Lily Tomlin

 

*Non-descript trivia moment*

 

            SOME ROMAN DIETIES

 

Venus…love

Vulca…fire

Apollo…light

Neptune…sea

Mars…war

 


fool’s Gold

 

  • Agatha Christie acquired her knowledge of poisons while working in a hospital pharmacy during World war One

 

  • Sigourney Weaver’s real first name is Susan

 

  • Our food is now so full of preservatives that it will take our corpses three weeks to rot when once it took three days

 

 

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

 where am I?

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

 

 

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Learning new stuff on computers – yes, I know it’s the way forward and techno geekisms are the shiny new wobbly bits, but why the mother of Cyber do we have to do it…and so bloody often! – Isn’t that for the binary, bits and bytes anoraks? Updates are coming out of our ears, and just when you get the hang on one, it’s old hat.  Get a grip oh inventors of simplicity and does just that please – make it once in a lifetime, easy to use, bog standard piece of equipment that Granddad Jim has been using since the good old days of Betamax. Any new additions to advance the techno brilliance of the age can be automatically fed by the computer wets in a giant techno Mothership, anchored just off Orkney. By all means; teach me a new samba move, add an ingredient to my French onion soup, give me a hologram on tap that activates through mind control, so when you do look into her eyes and tell her you love her, you in reality have just watched the Lions win the Third Test! Computer boffs, this world now truly belongs to you, but as Pat Garret once said, ‘…how can we sleep when our minds are turning…the time has come to face the facts…it belongs to us…Let’s give it back…’ – Learning news tuff on computers – that and squeaky brakes in the wet -  Bastards!

 

Things that are just Sweet Love:

The picking of a good bogie. My particular favourite this week happened on Tuesday morning, around 07:56 Vietnamese time. I had a sub-conscious tickle as I meandered my strut to work then with a unprovoked twitch I sent my index finger straight up the cavity and caught hold of a racking strand that aroused the very adenoids themselves, and felt it then pressed it hard against the outside wall, wedged it there for a while until it came loose then eased it out single fingerly. What followed was almost pure ecstasy, in the tingling, eye watering pleasure stakes; a bogie of such measurements: Length: approximately 1 inch or for Digger’s benefit; 25ml. Width: approx 2.5mil. Spongetiy: firm.

 

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – next week we are going to look at fish:

 

 

This is another plane:

 

 

 

 

 

And now this bit:

 

 

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

 

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. ½ price sangria, mojito and buckets of wine by the err, bucket... plus beer, oh yes beer, don't forget the beer...they have beer you know. The best Spanish cuisine in Saigon this side of Spain - Which is just to the right of Vietnam – I think! – Some cracking live music too folks. – I hear things are going Bacardi Loco!

 

 

GTM: Probably, nope not probably, but, the best set of garden and leisure furniture in the world. See the *classified section under business opportunities for more details.

 

 

Bootlace: Walking holidays in the Alpujurras, Sierra Nevada, Spain. Click the link on the logo on the right and walk into happiness. For more on Bootlace Walking Holidays in the Alpujarra, Sierra Nevada, Spain -
www.bootlace.com and Prices and dates 2009
Not just a walk in the park

 

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD:   where all the best meat comes from – Got any pies?

 

 

 

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness – Go nuts for it – I am. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they're long, lunchy and superb and they're in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz – available from Vino, Saigon – I’m coming after yer Jim!

 

 

Al Frescos: Take home two pizzas and only pay for one – I ask you – that’s just crazy - every Tuesday at Al’s – make it a date. Their ribs are xxxceptional too. Check the *classifieds for their new-ish restaurant in Saigon, Vietnam – is it nearer to you?

 

 

Alibi: Good food, good wine, good beer, come here. It’s in Saigon – they have five big flat screen TV’s – pretty good to catch all your sport on; let alone boogie to their live music and party nights

 

 

 

Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

 

 

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week? – Remember; there’s a lot more on offer in the menu on the left, but in the meantime the fool recommends these:

 

*Digger; brings forth round 13 and meanders about at round 14

*Trigger: trots on

 

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

 OUT NOW

new and improved, with all the buttons – the pause, the play and slidy bit that gets you where you want to go… almost  

Guest starring:

One Eyed Dog

Also available are the ‘oldies’ with Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its September predecessor, - another new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

 

*Tit-bits – .../…6 Facts of Life…/…two old rugby…/…Where the white man got it wrong…/…

 

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – might have to take it off the menu as I reckon everyone’s about to copy it – last chance to have a look…maybe: – fool still recommends the Gazpacho

 

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

 

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

 

* Classifieds

 

And *Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…not every band has to do a tribute to Bubbles you know! …’

 

Mr. Meaner...  come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

 

- crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies on sale now for only 80,000vnd from the fool he-self or available at the Blue Gecko for 110,000vnd

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like a potato – the lazy git! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Great Lions shirts out now

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to the Marie Curie cancer charity

 i need a tshirt

 

Now then, now then, now then, you’re just in time for the rugby bit, dun, dun, duuun - for rugby folk ET all; but please, if you’re not keen, do move along now, there’s a good chap (ess):

 

The New Rugby extra Bit comes out on a Monday and can be found at the bottom of the blue menu on the left – click on the black text.

 

British & Irish Lions tour to MB-land:

 

Published 2.7.09

 

Before any goose gets his gander up, let’s just state for the record the ‘is-it’s’, nay the MB’s, nay, nay the Saffers, the Jarpies, the Cheese/bone/meatheads; South Africa, had a fantastic 2-0 series victory over the B&I Lions, which will definitely go down as one of the all time greats.

 

The whole circus culminating with the actual games themselves, were of a class seemingly credited to the likes of Spielberg/ Hitchcock. But one man has stood out as a class above the rest and will help this campaign as one of the most entertaining in sporting history – PdV!

 

He’s a born crackpot, because you cannot mould nay nurture that level of ludicrousness in one lifetime. Nottingham Forest’s Brian Clough is the only person to come near, but he was a methodical and tactical genius who chose his words to mimic, lighten and tickle the media, whilst hammering home the seriousness of his convictions. PdV is in another class – one that requires the preverbal bluff being constantly pulled over his own eyes.

 

Let’s not get laden down with the whole eye gouging business, because Schalk has been cited, got 8 weeks, end of chat. However, the PdV fella stood stoically in the press conference and denied the incident, denied it should have been a card and then went on to condone a bit of eye gouging, suggesting that if that wasn’t your style you should bugger off and take up ballet!

 

I’ll not take up your time ranting and raving about it here, but if you click on the B&I Lions page you can read the full word for word transcript and laugh till your nose bleeds – unless you’re from Persia of course!

 

But now, back to the accolades and the upcoming Third Test: B.O’D became the 12th Lion to go home injured and the Boks assistant coach Gary Gold was reflective on that (injury) situation and agreed it wasn’t the best preparation going into the Third Test. He was even stretched to give an honest opinion on the B.O’D’s omission regards influence on and off the field; “Look, if you want me to say that Brian O’Driscoll is the most exceptional player in the world – yes, he’s right up there. In fact, I rate him as one of the top three players in the game.” – A-ha, see, told you…didn’t I?

 

Gary went on to post laurels for both sides, “The Lions gave 150%. It was as tough as anything they’ve (Boks) experienced in their lives. I’ll say it again; it was a fantastic Lions team. And to beat them in any way we can – legally of course – whether it was a comeback in the last 20 minutes (Pretoria) or a first half platform that we had against them in Durban…I’m a little mesmerised that people are criticising us severely the way they are..” – They’re not Gazza; it’s just like at the end of Zulu… ‘They’re not tormenting you…they’re saluting you.’

 

The Third Test may be a dead rubber, but believe you me there’ll not be given an inch by either side; Geech, “The look in that dressing room at the end, there was a lot of sadness there. But I am hugely proud of what has been achieved and will take that into the Third Test.”

 

P.O’C, “Now all focus goes to the Third Test, and it would be cruel to go home without a Test win.”

 

Mike Phillips, “For us to go home with a victory in the final Test means everything to all of us.”

 

And the manager behind the scenes, Gerald Davies, “It’s not only us who have been following the fortunes of these Lions. There is a worldwide interest.”

 

Who’s going to win? Well, the fool’s been wrong only by a gnats cock so far, so he’ll have to stick it out and suggest the wounded Lion by 12!

 

 

Some Shorts:

Has ‘Eyebrows’ gotta go? Laurie Mains reckons so; “To be fair to Graham he has had some great success as coach, but every team he’s coached towards the end of his time with them, they’ve dropped away.”

 

Laurie puts it down to the patterns of play being too difficult and the skill levels drop as he tries to force the way he wants it to be played. He’s suggesting Ian Foster of the Chiefs and Colin Cooper from the ‘Canes might do a good job, but his outsider is the Crusaders Todd ‘Edmund’ Blackadder; “I was terribly impressed with the way the Crusaders – they’re a very young team – came away very strong towards the end.”

 

Mathieu Basteraud has checked himself into a mental hospital, after it turns out the beating in New Zealand never happened and it was in fact a team mate who gave him a slap. He’s got psychological issues. He also hasn’t done the ‘Once Were Warriors’ mob any favours either!

 

Ok lastly, it looks like the 2015 World Cup will go to England and the 2019 to Japan. Bernard Lapasset the Rugby World Cup Limited chairman said of England’s choice, “…maximum funding available for investment in the game through a strong commercial programme and a great RWC showcase.” – And in regards to Japan; “…gateway for further development and expansion of the game in Asia.” – remember, you heard it here second on crazy fool’s

 

I’m done.

 

Some competitions now:

 

WIN a PRIZE!

 

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: This particular team will be finished sometime in 2008-ahem-2009 – the fool promises! – Only two to get.

John Smit’s XV, as he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three and a half bloody years of him yet!

 

15.    Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood  13. The Patriot  12. The Great Race  11. Pink Panther  10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs  8. Braveheart  7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone  6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3.?   2. Snake from the Simpsons 1.?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it.

 

end rugby here!

 

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

 

The dress rehearsals are nearly over; the Aussies are struggling against the Lions where Harmy took 3-67 and Hussey was the only player of note with the Aussie willow on 143 from a collective posting of 337-8.

 

The English didn’t fair much better against Warwickshire skipping along at 162-1 to declare on 290-8 – Cook got 124 there, which is uncanny because he is 24!

 

Which obviously doesn’t mean anything, much in the same way as the bitch-slapping wordily exchanges means diddly-squat in the build up to this epic, epic encounter? Nevertheless, we like it and Harmy perked us up quite nicely motioning that; ‘they ain’t what they used to be.’

 

In fact what he did say after he skittled Hughes, Katich and Lee was, “They are not as confident as they normally are. Maybe they are just gelling or they are missing their older players. Perhaps they were tired from the bus journey but I think we should fancy ourselves. I’m looking at the little things, the body language, that sort of stuff.” – The ‘long bus journey’ – love it.

 

Mind you not everything has gelled for Blighty either, as Monty’s still to find his form and for the next six weeks at least has promised not to try out any new tricks because they do not work. He’s going to stick to the bowling he knows, and Levi is right behind him; “I think people who have written off Monty are unwise.” – See, unwise.

 

If he’s getting a hard time then it’ll be a miracle if Hauritz will get on the pitch at all. Taking a break from calling Ponting ‘crap’ and a ‘shit captain’, Jeff Thompson has questioned the right for Hauritz to be there at all; “He can’t even spin the ball. He (Punter) just wants someone to bowl tight, but that’s not going to get you wickets. “– He surmised. Oh, no, excuse me, here’s what he surmises; “England have the edge in the captaincy department, but while England have a better captain, Australia have a better line-up.”

 

Just how do you get better than Freddie, back to his old form…on the piss! The 31 year-old had a boozy night on the piss in Belgium where the team were subject to a slice of team bonding and Freddie failed to show in the morning when the rest of the boys went to visit World War I trenches. fool wouldn’t have forgiven you, those blokes died for you, during that war… but moving on, and Levi did and accepts his apology because he saw the sincerity in his eyes. – Well, that’s good enough for me.

 

Vaughan’s retired from all cricket, but do we need to do the accolades? No, we did those months ago, suffice to say everyone liked him, even the Aussies, well, Brett did, “He has the up-most respect of all of our players.” – There you go Michael, sit back and relax.

 

Lastly KP’s happy – you bet your life he is. He stabbed Moores in the back, brought into the England headship his old chums Levi and Flowers and has never been happier; “Things are better now because of the happiness in the dressing room. The players have a voice now, we’ve talked about how we want to go about things and achieve goals.” – ‘You’re the voice try to understand it…’

 

That’s it.

 

Other sports:

 

Floyd Mayweather’s ribs are on the mend, so he’s booked in a night fight with Juan Manuel Marquez in Las Vegas for 19th September. In keeping with his quiet demeanour he humbly stated, “I will destroy Marquez and reclaim my rightful place as boxing pound-for-pound king all in one night.” – Wouldn’t you just love it…c’mon Marquez, c’mon

 

Wimbledon: Who was your best Womble? Mine was Orinoco

 

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

 

Artist Sue Williams 53 from Swansea, Wales, which is in Wales! – Has been given a National Lottery grant for £20k to ‘explore the cultural attitudes towards female buttocks.’ – Brilliant. She’ll be running around the country taking plaster moulds of many, many buns and will try to understand their place in contemporary culture from Europe to Africa. Sue says, “The project is taking on the issue around the bottom.” – Just open your mouth and say Arse.

 

And Ben Southall thought he had the best job in the world! Ben’s just started the second best job in the world on his island off Queensland, where he’s on AUS$150.000 or £70k to look at other islands and write about them. The Great Barrier Reef tourist board have already generated £98million from this campaign and will soon have the funds to build an underwater car park! Ben said, “At times I still can’t believe I was successful in being offered what has to be the most sought after island planner’s job in the world.” – Yes, I see it now…McDonald’s here, a play area for the kids there…get rid of all these old rocks and stuff…’

 

At the European Society for Human Reproduction and Embryology conference in Amsterdam Holland, that’s Holland, Dr David Greening from a an IVF clinic in Sydney suggested men need to have to sex daily if we, as a human race, are to survive. The news just gets better doesn’t it. Doc Dave said a daily release gets rid of ‘old’ DNA and makes faster, leaner sperm and, “Keeping the river flowing makes sure the sperm doesn’t hang around so long and become damaged. There’s less time for vandalism.” – All good, however, he also said three times a day is not healthy. “We advise couples to try to work out when the woman’s ovulating and have lots of sex.” – Yes please.

 

The newest cancer beating food to track alongside red grapes, blueberries and red cabbage is purple potatoes. US boffs from Kansas have produced the spud that has purple skin as well as on the inside, and is caused by anthocyamin, which is the chemical that lowers cancer risk and has anti-ageing properties too. Dr Weiqun Wang who contributed to the study said, “It’s kind of sweeter that normal sweet potatoes. We have been promoting it because we know it’s a health food.” – All carrots were originally purple till the Dutch got hold of them – don’t believe me? Look it up

 

Crazy rock n roll capes XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! Look out for Snoop Dig’s Wacko Jacko tribute rap on crazy fool’s Radio Show – coming soon. In the meantime did you know Jacko was the third biggest album selling artist behind the Beatles and Elvis Presley and so disillusioned was he that he tried to turn himself into Peter Frampton.

A 2m (6ft 7in) python was stolen from a research centre in Perth Australia then tracked down after the last meal it had was an endangered marsupial which, in turn, had a tracking devise on it. Cops turned up at the home of the thieves and said, “It’s fair to say the people were shocked when we turned up.” – ‘Oh, that snake…I thought you meant like a really big snake.’

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

 

The manager of a mosquito repellent factory in Sri Lanka has been fined and received a 6 month suspended prison sentence when health inspectors; ‘found mosquito larvae in several empty cans on the premises.’ – Well, it’s to catch a thief eh! His fine was 1,500 rupees (£8) and the prison sentence was for hard labour!

 

A hippo climbed over a 3m (10ft – boy Digger’s gone love these conversions) wall of a water tower and got stuck inside. Hippo hunter Chris Hobbink was called to the concrete container in Alkmaar, near Nelspruit in South Africa and between him and the farmers and a hydraulic crane it took 4 hours to get to wallowing beast out. Chris said he’s rescued 180 hippos in the last 6 years. You’d think they’d move the water tower. – Have you tried the Happy Hippo Backpackers in Durban?

 

The wonky fruit and veg ban is over, long live the wonky fruit and veg. EU beaurcratic nuts imposed the ban on bent products 20 years ago but have dramatically u-turned their decision now times are a tad tougher in the economic world, but on one condition, a bent banana or crooked cucumber must be labelled, ‘intended for processing’. Sainsbury’s spokesman Lucy Mclennan said, “We are delighted to have played a part in winning the wonky vegetable war against these bonkers EU regulations.” Here, here…’av a banana

 

The Turin Shroud is not Jesus nor is it the head of the Knights Templar, what’s his name…De Magne? - But is in fact Leonardo Da Vinci. Graphic consultant Lillian Schwartz will tell you how Leonardo played around with light sensitive chemicals then fired the sun’s rays on to it. After a scan she said, ‘It matched – I’m excited.’ – I’m sorry Lillian was going to tell you, but in fact I did.

 

Ok lastly, cops in Ohio US were stunned when interviewing a woman in regards to a murder investigation a squirrel popped out of her bra, and without fluttering an eyelid the lady calmly replaced the tree rat and continued the interview. Detective Warren Mackay said, “I was not prepared to see a woodland creature in the interview room. I kept right on talking to her and listening to her. I didn’t acknowledge it at all.” – The lady was not a suspect, but perhaps the squirrel was! - What do you keep in your bra?

 

Good night.

 

just cf it

 

cf


 

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