On an old frosty, vacant night, hidden in the shadow of decay and forbade stood the Victorian yellow-bricked building. Its doors hinged under the blazoned neon lit glaring sign, which read, ‘Dave's Soup Kitchen', were flung open and the margin within was filled with tables of steaming broth. It breathed life into the destitute streets.

Tramp: Got any soup?

Dave: Got any soup? What do you think this is? Why I oughta...get oughta here yer bum!

Got any soup meow

Got any soup? I ask you indeed, which by the way, in these recently chilled, nay fresh mornings here in the Nam, soup has been a hearty recommendation - I've been lapping it up by the tub load - its good for the skin you know - next I'll be eating it! It comes in all kinds of different lumps, such as Gazpacho, leek, Porrusalda, Moroccan tomato, pumpkin, Spanish onion and my favourite mulligatawny. But what's this new kid in town, this Johnny Come Lately, this uncustomorial faddishly, favourable fondue of consommé, le bouillon et chowder, this pho bo, pho ga fuck me. This sovereignty of swish, that is, as I say in morning prayers: ‘Thank heavens for cornflakes with lashing of the purest cane white sugar and poundings of cow's finest semi to full fat cold, cold milk...

So before we listen to the fool who hasn't really got anything to say this week let's hurry to the quiz:

1. The Soup Dragon appeared in what children's T.V. show?

2. What is the fat of a whale called?

3. In 1971 Pakistan won the first World Cup in which sport?

4. What is raddicchio?

5. Which letter often describes a soft lead in a pencil?

6. If you were spelunking in the US what would you be doing?

7. What is a quirt?

8. What are the names of the three female murder suspects in Cluedo?

Answers to last week's tongue biters are on http://www.cfnr.co.uk/ under comps & results, snuggling up, as usual next to lyrics and Spot the variable.

WHO AM I? Not got yet. Next clue, "I'm fast, I'm the fastest in the world. I share the world record with ... my initials are AP. I haven't got anymore smart arse quips."

Is it me?

Ok, without further fondue, let's wake up and smelt the coffee and give a big mitt to cf's fragrant sponsors Pacharan, bodega, bodega - yeah baby when you dance like that. GTM honestly it really is probably the best garden and leisure furniture on this planet. SRFC, the best rugby club this side of Saigon. Fosters, the dogs and bees nectar-able bits. Vasco's, it's not just for Christmas. Blue Gecko, unwind, fall down, let the taxi take you home. Bootlace Holidays, click the link now. And Inkslinger Tattoo's they're for life too.

On in cfn this week is *Digger and his rant and *Trigger with his rave. *Tit-bits has some facts. And barring a by-weekly bout from the other regulars, two new icons may appear this week...we'll see. And as for *Fishman, he is-a-coming., so too them cagey *Bongo Massif Bro's. Stay tuned folks, there's always something new. And if you haven't figured out yet cf, Digger and Trigger get updated regularly once a week on Thurs eve or Fri morn depending on you global positioning.  There's always something to see in cfn.

Coming soon; more to shop on in the cfn shopping channel, personal ads, and classified items for you, yes, just you. And if you've got the time, have a chat on gibber-gibber.

But now the rugby post:

And be this a newsround paper as it is let's re-cap (re-arrange letters at will, without the e) on the bright sayings and doings of what the pundits are predicting on what is going to happen on the ‘morrow - follow?

Yes, barring (been using that word a lot this week), barring a few, and jolly good one must say, Guinness Premiership games and some warm up Super 14 bouts there's been a sprinkling of World Cup qualifiers, most notably the Lobos of Portugal beat the Moroccan Lions of the Atlas 16-15 in Lisbon last week. That means they've won both legs and are now off to Uruguay in March for the final hit - go the Lobos.

But lets not ejaculate too soon on World Cup matters for the Johnny Come Lately's back in town! How can you ignore it - he's bigger than Dallas. And just like JR he's back from the dead.

It's only taken 1,169 days and 7 comebacks. Brian Ashton this week compared him to Tiger Woods, mirroring his understanding, knowledge, experience, skill, being a world class player and all that coupled with being, "Staggering in training".

Johnny's got his doubters. Doubters in his comeback timing not ability, but fuck them, let's hear what he says, "I'm not a brash individual, but I do believe in myself and if I did not think I was ready I would not be here."

He goes on to say he's a better player, and has learned a lot by studying New Zealand's play. Now he says, "I reckon I've got more composure, I can play the game more simply and I've added a few more skills. I'm also more stubborn in my opinions as to how the game should be played and I'm not afraid to air them." - Ooh he's so butch!

Scots coach isn't perturbed and can't wait for his boys to get stuck in, he says, "One of the reasons I am pleased he is playing is because we know about him." - Yeah he's flipping good, you gotta remember that.

The Thistles No.10, Dan Parks is a little more refrained, he said, "I played against him for Glasgow in a pre-season match a few months ago and despite his problems, he is obviously still a special player." - Special in the head, he's mental.

Let's have a break and have some nerdy stats on Sgt Wilko; In his 52 Tests he's lost only 9 times, without any loss in his last 19. Since he hasn't played, England have played 46 Tests, losing 23 of them. He's amassed 817 points for England - 417 ahead of the next best, Paul Grayson.

His injury list since the 2003 World Cup final:

Dec 03 - Fractured vertebra
Feb 04 - Neck operation
Oct 04 - Haematoma in right upper arm
Jan 05 - Knee ligament
Mar 05 - Knee ligament
July 05 - ‘Stinger' in left arm and shoulder
Sept 05 - Appendix operation
Nov 05 - Groin operation
Jan 06 - Torn thigh muscle
Sept 06 - Knee ligament
Nov 06 - Lacerated kidney

But that's enough of that monkey, let's ponder on another world class player, which has been added to Ashton's new look England - Andy Farrell. Believe the fool when he says the whole world is waiting to see this icon play his first union Test.

Ashton has had Farrell in his dream team for 15 years. He's a Wigan season ticket holder and has been watching him since he was 17. I believe he's going to knock ten colours of shite out of this Calcutta Cup!

Farrell's just pleased to be playing, and more so with his old chum Robinson, he said, "Its brilliant making my debut in the same backline as Jason after all the great times we had together at Wigan." - Robinson said, "It was good to see Faz". - Faz! Faz! what the..." Faz!

In Scottish affairs Chris Cussiter slips into the No.9 slot for the injured Blair and Dave Callum gets his backrow spot back - isn't he the Invisible man? Big Frank said of Dave, "We don't get too carried away with statistics but his tackle count and rucks cleared were as good as anything I've come across." - Yes, I bet they wish you wouldn't do that.

Beware

I'll wrap up the Calcutta Cup with England's new captain's words, Phil Vickery, "What happened last year is history. It was unacceptable. But this is a fresh start." - He's got a tattoo on his arm that says, ‘I'll fight you till the death'.

In the French Italian game, we all know the result there but Berbizier, legendary French player and coach, now Italian aficionado reckons his counterpart, Laporte is a cunt! And never mind this tournament's chance of success he says Laporte isn't good enough to lead France into the World Cup. He says Laporte has no charisma and is no football coach like Aime Jacquet, and, "The only conviction I have about the World Cup is that it will be a great popular success in the country." - The fool tends to agree - until they find a fly-half, they are fucked.

On the Celtic side of things Wales host tournament favourites Ireland. Tom Shanklin (Road!) is out for the Taffs and Girvan Dempsey (Makepiece) makes his 70^th cap for the Irish replacing Murphy (Brown) at fullback

Yakida

But enough of that skull-name-ery, O'Driscoll says O'Gara is the 2^nd best fly in the world, the first being All Black Dan Carter. He said, "He was a fantastic player, but now he is truly a world class player." - It has to be said he did shine in their wins over Australia and S.A. in the autumn.

Meanwhile top knob O'Sullivan (I could've been O'fool!), O'Sullivan considers England their biggest rivals, but is happy with being No.1 for now, he said, "I would like to think we are big enough and mentally strong enough team to deal with being favourites." - Clear favourites right now, the team play well together as a team in being a team, like a team, a team that is together...in a team...(anvil falls from the sky)

France will win by 11. England will win by 15. Ireland will win by 8.

In other rugby news; Super 14's kick off this weekend The Force take on the Highlanders in Perth - go the Force. Spain play Portugal in the Six nations ‘B' division. Australian Andrew Walker's back from a few years walkabout and is tipped to return to the national side. And an All Black has been tested for cannabis on their recent tour to France. His name has been withed as it is not certain whether the weed was prescribed for therapeutic reasons - isn't it always? Whilst we're on the subject of sinsemilla, kif, bhang whatever your preference, 19 players in France were also tested positive in the last quarter of the 2006 year - there's a whole edition on that subject eh!

But now its cricket time folks:

Well we had a game at last didn't we, thank fuckery. I'm still pissed off with those English, and just to reiterate last week's comment I wouldn't pay their airfares to gallivant all over Oz just to play half a sodding game of bat and ball.

There, that's better.

Back to the game, and yes the one decent game we had, saw the Aussies just clipping the Kiwi's feathers. The WACA's outfield was pretty well groomed, and Australia seemed to glide to an effortless 343-5.

The Punts snuck home with 111 and Hayden notched a pounding 117. All over you might've thought, but no, the Jacob of Oram liked the cut of the blade at the WACA too and he found a tidy 101 off 71 balls, and was all too modest after his 6 sixes when he said, "We just couldn't get over the line. We got close, but not close enough." - That's right mate, no cigar.

Punts was pleased, but it did show their vuneralabity when McGrath had an off day and the others struggled to see off the Black Caps. He said, "The bowling came under intense pressure, and we didn't cope with it well." He went on, "There's room for improvement in our ‘death' bowling." - Death bowling, is that cheating?

Punts in a hat

Back to England's perpetual woe and last Friday's ODI was the pinnacle of shite - 110 runs was their effort. Michael Vaughan best summed it up, "In my 8 years as an England player the atmosphere in the dressing room after Friday's game against Australia was the lowest I've ever seen." - Wouldn't have them in the house!

He went on, "I thought we started this one day series quite well. But in Adelaide it was cancerous, you could feel it around the dressing room. It was like wickets were waiting to happen.' - *Fishman from Phu Quoc said, "If this were a reality T.V. show England would've been voted off the island by now.

Arghh bollocks

Coach Fletcher's taking a lot of stick. Peter Moores, Bob Woolmer and Tom Moody are all queuing up for his job, but it seems unless he quits, he'll be there after the World Cup. Vaughany agrees, he says you can't blame the coach, and, "You must look in the mirror and say things have to improve. If you admit that you become a stronger and better person." - I must, I must improve my bust.

Tuesday's game of N.Z. v. England started with potential, fell apart in the middle under the guidance of the fashionable English batting collapse then re-awoke in the tail end with some thumpers from Nixon coupled with some howlers from the Kiwi fielders.

N.Z. notched up 318, with some absolute terrifying tremors from Tremlett - NOT! - A 6ft 7 pansy. England rather flatteringly lost by 58 runs, and Freddie, who inside must be feeling pretty mental, cradled his inexperienced side a tad, and said, "It would be nice if we could get the batting and bowling going well in the same game." - Freddie's got spunk; he'll bounce back from this tour of hell.

Next stop England have to beat Australia and New Zealand on Friday and Tuesday respectively, to make the final - any takers?

Meanwhile, and this'll make you laugh, Allan Border says England were too hasty in sending home KP, he said, "If he's got a broken rib, fair enough, but it wasn't displaced broken, it was just cracked and given two weeks break he could be playing. Too quick on the plane for my liking." - Busted my rib a couple of months back - I could barely lift my pint!

Other sporting moments:

Roger Federer knocked over Gonzalez in 3 sets to take the Oz Open. He didn't drop a set in the whole two weeks, not done since the Aussie Ken Rosewell did it in ‘72'. He's the first to win 3 of 4 Grand Slams at least 3 times, He's still Swiss and only 12 years old - he'll go a long way. Nazi bankers the Swiss - aren't they?

Roger?

Tiger's on his way to the record 11 world titles mark, Slams, Opens - Masters, what do they call it in golf language? Anyway, he's got 7 of them and Monty (Mrs Doubtfire, not the Sikh of Tweak) reckons, "The only thing that can stop him is himself. He is the greatest sportsman in the world." - Yeah and Origami's going to be in the 2012 Olympics! - Sport my arse, it's blokes on a jolly-up claiming business expenses.

Welshman Joe Calzaghe is the WBO Super middleweight champ. Next he's fighting US T.V. reality show boxer Peter Manfredo on 7^th April in Cardiff. Remarkably he's waiting for his first fight in the States. He wants to finish with a punch up with Jermain Taylor. The reality boxer - do you reckon he fights in the ring or do they mock up a brawl in street or something?

The lumpy stuff:

Helen Mirren has been voted the sexiest wrinkley in the whole of the big wide world, she's 61. Sophia Loren 72, yeah she's still going, was second, and young lass Merrill Streep 57 third. In the men's division Jack Nicholson 69 took poll. Sean the Scottish nationalist, 71, 2^nd and Robert Redford was third, was he Butch or Sundance?

source

Dick Grainger is 87 and reckons he's the oldest serving publican in Britain. He's been behind the pumps in The Wharf Tavern, Stalybridge, Greater Manchester for 58 years, all bar 2 since 1949. He's seen 11 prime ministers, 15 football managers and when he first started a pint cost a shilling, Britain was in post war rations, Perry Como was top of the charts and Portsmouth were top of the league.. One of the things that attracted him to the Wharf Tavern was its central heating - very cosy. He said, "I was 6ft and 18st in those days, and if there was any trouble you sorted it out yourself." - Bloody right Dick.

Dick

A man fell off his top bunk and out the window of his 11^th floor Hong Kong hotel room whilst sleeping. He dropped 9 floors and landed on next doors 2^nd floor restaurant canopy - he's said to be in a stable condition in hospital. Do you believe that? Well you should, because it's true.

fish n chips please

Boffs are delving deeper into Mars, and believe the little green men could be hiding deep under the surface. A leading author in the UCL said, "It just isn't plausible that dormant life is still surviving in the near subsurface of Mars. Within the first couple of metres below the surface is the ionizing radiation field." - So they're going to look under the Sea of Elysium, because that icy plain is quite new at only about 5million years old, and things preserve quite well in ice. - Would you want them to find them?

back to school boffs

A bit old this one, but a goodun; Eric (great name Eric) Nerhus 41 was bitten by a shark in, where else but Australia or off Australia. It's the way he describes it that was good, "I was hit hard and I didn't know what had happened. Next thing I'm in like a dark cave that's squashing me like a vice up and down. My shoulders, head and one arm went straight into its throat and I could feel the teeth crunching up and down, I thought, ‘Oh no, its what happens when they shake you and bite off the biggest piece of meat they can get.'" - Another one that's a bit like marriage!

A different kind of vice

Beyonce is the world's most desirable woman. In an askmen.com survey 8.5m said so. It's not just beauty and booty...err, no it is actually.

Jo Lo on the other hand is an out and out catholic, but seems is slowly being tempted into the Scientology sect. All her chums are there, and her dad, well lets let her explain, "My dad has been a Scientologist for 25 years. He's the best man that I know in my life, and so its weird to me that people want to put it in a negative way." - Err because their nuts you mixed up Latino, cute but large bunned ‘B' star.

Jo?

An Israeli comic is suing Sacha Baron Cohen, also a Yid, for apparently stealing his catchphrase, ‘Wa wa wee wa.' - I'm not sure what to say to that.

Borat

Three out of ten British men said they would give up sex for life for £1m. 9% would opt for celibacy if they never had to work again. 3% would go for it if their football team won the treble. 1% for a lifetime of alcohol. Another 1% if they could get it off with their favourite celebrity. Meanwhile 25% of men want Angelina Jolie and 3% admit to faking it. Ruth Gresty from Durex, who did the survey said, "We have little doubt that a man loves his football team, but can that small percentage seriously say they prefer footie to footsie?"

he'll never give it up

Ok lastly 55 nuns are on the run in mainland Greece. They've stolen £400k, embezzled from their secret knitwear company. They supply 25 shops, and attend fashion shows all over Europe. They've also got a candle making and icon-painting business, where they've also ripped off their clients. They belong to the order of St Kyrikos and Loulite. It shouldn't be too difficult to find them because they're all called Maria! Word has it they are hiding out in Volos, central Greece, but their lawyer Dionvsius Pelekis denies this he's having none of it!

try and kick the habit

Johnny Come Lately, the new soup in town.

cf