26th aug - 1st sept 2011 v447
August, 31st 2011 20:33 PM

“People are strange when you’re a stranger”

(Doors)

 


You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 trivial-o-matic nonsense draped in world news and sport – not necessarily in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus; the radio show – with a new look!

  

Click on fool’s logo in home page – good one this week; – The One With …

Plus new radio station in Phuket – stream live on line at www.radioindochine.com

And catch his live A Question of Sport… Of Sorts! On Sat 10th Sept 2-3p.m.

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 1.9.11                                           

For Elements of: No.2 Royal Air Force, Force Protection Wing Headquarters

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

Brought to you by

  www.saigonsoundsystem.com

 

When you’re strange

An unnamed man in Ohio smashed through an adult shop in a truck and stole the most expensive toy on the shelves.

 

Initially the perpetrator broke into a nearby business and stole a red truck and trailer before ramming AdultMart and making off with an $800 ‘makeshift vagina’, leaving Detective Tony Kovacs from the Lorrain County Sheriffs Department to comment only; ‘it’s definitely weird’.

 

John Tirbaso from the JT recycle lot where the truck was hijacked said after having spoken to the detective, ‘wow you know the economy is bad, I guess this stuff is going to happen, then, when he told me what happened it just threw me off.’ , especially when the thief then returned the vehicle after the heist.

 

Oddly enough it isn’t the first time this has happened at AdultMart; back in 2009 a car broke in through the back of the store grabbed a sex toy and exited through the front without leaving his car.

 

Detective Tony Kovacs said it seems they may have a serial snatch and grab felon on their hands.


 

You hum it I’ll play it

In a sleepy village in Durham, north England, locals are being kept awake by a mysterious hum that makes their beds vibrate.

 

The drone has continued for eight months and is regularly heard between 11p.m. and 4a.m.

 

Whilst variations on the hum range from similarities to that of a tractor, a generator, central heating boiler and a fish tank pump, one resident Marylyn creek 57, says, ‘It’s loudest on Sundays’.

 

Sound expert Dr Chris Barnes pins the probable source on being that many houses in the area are built on old mine shafts, plus recent road repairs and the regions electrical supply.

 

Detective Tony Kovacs has been brought in to investigate.


 

The price of inflation?

Health and Safety laws peaked to their balmiest in Britain last year with dodgems not being allowed to collide in Skegness, kites unable to be flown on a beach in East Yorkshire and the sack race banned in a school in Tyne and Wear, yet deliberation is still out on whether an electrician from Hull should be compensated after he was ‘inflated’ when a pressurised hose strayed up his bottom.

 

Dad of one Gareth Dent 26, was at work making caravans in a factory in East Yorkshire when the hose carrying 300lb per square inch of compressed air, shot up his shorts.

 

‘I felt like I had been blown up, it was the biggest shock of my life.’ Said the burly ex rugby player now unable to play, underwent a life saving ileostomy operation and has to wear a stoma bag to collect his bodily waste, ‘there was air fizzing around inside my back passage and stomach, it was so weird.’

 

Detective Tony Kovacs from the Lorrain County Sheriff’s Department said he’d prefer not to go there.


 (sponsors ad before the song that comes in the middle bit)


49 Mac Thi Buoi Street District 1, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – probably the best eggs in a clay pot you’ll ever taste

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘Tears cannot begin to express the pain, shock, nay suffering Gareth must have put himself through in the line of duty and to try and make sense of it all through a meaningless song would not only deprive him of his dignity but also this segment validity all in the name of an associated tune from song-sters all over the globe… but here goes anyway, and first ditty that sprung to mind, excuse the pun, nay less, the Stylistics, who no doubt went through a similar experience in regards to a ball dropping moment that would mostly be akin to a spell in some Philadelphian penitentiary, where a six inch tear in the bowel could have produced iconic hits from their mid 70’s classic, Can’t Give You Anything (But My Love), which bizarrely was later remixed in 2006 by a Japanese advertising campaign for a men’s hair product called ‘Moving Rubber’, to the Isley Brother’s Caravan of Love, later re-hosed by The Housemartins and if I really wanted to make a hash of things then  the Doors’ Spanish Caravan with Jim’s haunting melodic purrs resounding to … ‘take me, Spanish Caravan, yes I know you can’, as Robby Krieger plucks the death out from his last wailing throes, but then such are the pitfalls of literary inflation where new words and phrases added to Chambers Dictionary this week include, toxic assets, double-dip, season creep, upcycle, pre-cycle and overleveraged, which when translated to define how an accident with a 300lb high pressure hose getting inexplicably rammed up your jacksy is conclusively only matter for the Health and Safety, to who we owe so little but bitter frustrated agony for their emergence from that bloody pair of burnt lips at McDonalds all those years ago resulting the lawyers setting an open field-day for the absurd, which inadvertently leads to Sharks heralding the first choice of Mack The Knife from Old Blue Eyes, but my dad said he never sang but just spoke, so we’ll head to Freddie and Queen’s Bicycle to hit us up for this week’s Get It Off Your Chest Request – take it away Queen…

 

 

Take it away the song in the middle bit: (only available on website!)

 

 

What they’ve recently said: I’m watching the rugby here…


 

www.loungephuket.com

 

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary – wrong again, we’ve done a full circle and it’s back to Tommy Cooper, but with some new one’s – keep up! ‘If sex is a pain in the neck, you’re doing it wrong.’

 

And now folks…

crazy fool’s

Kitchen 

Presents: crazy fool’s Cottage Pies – 150THB a slab

Fresh or frozen they’ll make you fart


 

Don’t forget t-shirts for sale – as always, $1.00 in every shirt goes to charity

 

There’s always the www.coreyashcroft.co.uk appeal – check it out

 

Don’t forget the classifieds pages – updated weekly

crazy fool’s Kitchen; the home of cold banter, cracking beer and Grrreat live music…

 

Next event to be posted ASAP… probably Sept

… so in the meantime it’s a quick spurt from fool’s sponsors…


www.highstylecondominium.com

Animal news


*When four canisters of bull semen were spilled onto a road after a lorry crashed at an interstate in Nashville, Tennessee Detective Tony Kovac’s phone was switched off and his whereabouts unknown.

 

*Thief Eric Fiegal stole several albino boa constrictors from a pet shop by hiding them in his shorts, he then nonchalantly browed around the shop for a good hour before departing and selling them to another pet shop for $800 – a lesson to be learnt for Gareth Darrent no doubt

 


Number crunching


 

*Women waste 50billion litres of water shaving their legs. Thames Water, who commissioned the survey found 1 in 3 kept the shower running, which if saved could supply the whole of London for 25 days. One in four keep the tap on when brushing their teeth – if they were more pragmatic 120b litres could be saved. A spokesman said, ‘It may seem like it’s always raining, but we’ve had below average rainfall across our region for nine of the last 12 months.’ – If he wants to see rain he should go to south East Asia or New York for that matter; still the good thing about hurricanes and full moons is they yield a high magic mushroom crop apparently. Meanwhile a Japanese construction firm has urged their 2,700 employees to get energy saving haircuts; short back and sides for men and a ‘cute’ bob for the ladies. Spokeswoman Chizura Inome said, ‘We are not sure of the data yet, but we believe if people have short hair they do not need to use their hairdryers for so long and they will use less water.’

 

*The world’s largest fish and chips will be determined between two teams from Bournemouth who both created a monster 6ft dish – one from the Urban Reef restaurant used a 135lb halibut caught off Iceland, whilst team two from Bournemouth and Poole College used edible glue to stick small fish together, which can only lead to the Stylistics Can’t Give You Anything (Batter My Love).

 

I’m off – come on Brutus

 

Keep it turning, keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

p.s. if you’re having trouble reading this because you are blind, why not try cf’s audio version of crazy fool’s Radio Show – click on red icon – top left of home page


 

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