Crazy Fool's Newsround - 25th Sept - 1st Oct 09 Volume 348

25th Sept - 1st Oct 09 Volume 348
October, 01st 2009 18:17 PM

“Cold and uninviting, partially naked

Except for toffee wrappers and this mornings papers

Mr. Jones got run down

Headlines of death and sorrow – they tell of tomorrow

Madman on the rampage”

(The Jam)

‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – it’s all in

crazy fool’s newsround

in that order

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

That was the week weren’t it;

The scene: fool, Led Zeppelin, Chas n’ Dave and the Mr Men are stuck in the Mont Blanc Tunnel after some stupid with a flare gun burned down the lake overhead.

Chas: I can’t believe we’ve split up…after 35 years. Where did we go wrong? How do you burn down a lake?

Robert Plant: I’m named after a flower, vegetable, herb, shrub, weed, greenery, herbage, verdure, spy, mole, operator, foundry, mill, workshop and lodge

Mr. Worry: I think I forgot my sandwiches.

fool: Ah bacon, sweet, sweet bacon

Narrator: See what happens next to our intrepid heroes as they while away the hours in a dark tunnel waiting for a madman to come along.

1. Is it possible to hold your breathe, for the whole duration, going through the Mont Blanc Tunnel?

2. Chile is on which coast of South America?

3. The kiwi fruit is also known as which gooseberry?

4. Lebanon is situated at the eastern end of which Sea?

5. What are the least number of points needed to win a single game in tennis?

6. Which Frenchman gave his name to an item of clothing worn by ballet dancers?

7. Which word means clever and can also be a stinging pain?

8. What sport’s name translates as ‘the gentle way’? A) Karate B) Jujitsu C) Judo

Get all the answers and more in the *Comps & results page – or buzz him, manually, on cf.crazyfool@gmail.com

WHO AM I? – 2009 – Reeking of clue No.4, it would be rude to go directly there… Let’s have another go at these again first… Clue No.1, “Generally a smug looking bastard, but I got the chicks.” Clue No.2: “Just a blue rinse for me.” And No.3 “Shirley Winters would have got it if she weren’t a-kin!” – No.4, and last clue, “Carley sang about me.”

Is it me?

This is the 2009 Main Comp series - with a sub points tally in brackets for the first answer in: For previous results in the Main Comp – check the *comps and results page.

Scores at the end of week 37 or 38 if we’re strictly going by the Gregorian calendar and due to the fact fool’s missed a week.

For those who like ones; one’s and brackets and LZ:

Dracule: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Legal Eagle: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)

Hannibal Lecherure: the song remains the same (LZ):

Silent Third Party, formerly known as Quizmaster: 1, 1, 1, 1 (1)

Casualty: zip

Aye: 1 (1)

Others: 1

Quote(s) for the week:

I wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

*Non-descript trivia moment*

SOME BALLET TERMS

PAS DE QUATRE . dance for four

PIROUETTE . a complex turn, or series of turns, on one leg

PLIE . bending of the knees

RELEVE . rising up off the heels

fool’s Gold

People who make ‘ugly faces’ at dogs in Oklahoma can be jailed

Henry I of England sired more than 25 children, only two of them illegitimate. He was also known as Henry Beauclerc, because of his scholarly interests

The oldest president in the USA was Ronald Reagan. He was 77 in 1988

Dr. Phil Ology’s word of the week:

“Words, don’t come easy to me, how can I find the way to make you love me, oh words, they don’t come easy…”

Things that are really getting on my nose, up my goat and around my wick this week:

Nothing, I’m absolutely fine this week. Apart from a few deceptions, well, one in particular; driving past a truck that had a ‘Long Vehicle’ sign on the back, and it wasn’t, not at all, it was only about 14ft long, which reminded me of the ‘Bad News’ tour, where Nigel Planner, who played Neil in The Young Ones was the bass guitarist and the band stops at a motorway café and he ordered sausages and chips and complains when he only gets one sausage and he stands deliberating over the point with a rejected sigh mumbling, ‘It says sausages…’ – Deceptions - Bastards!

Things that are just Sweet Love:

I’m going to have to gun for a bit of the old rain this week – plain simple rain. The kind that flouts openly astride a wafting tidal stench. The kind brought in on those acidic Nimbostratus numbers shipped over from a Russian nuclear hangover, straight after its been fired upon by a band of gun toting Silver Iodide baiting bandits and set free to rumble its course over city’s a-new... yeah, that’s rain baby, dark and thunderous, smacking of Neolithic changes, the dawning of a new era, the breeder of viabilities – heavens tears or God’s piss I care not, for today we have rain and from it may the morrow furnish an economic growth compound!

A viewer’s favourite haystacks from Bosnia – has finished – this week we are going to look at this:

This is another plane:

And now this bit:

Ladies and folk please step aside for cfn's brave, brave sponsors…

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Don't forget the *classifieds – something for the weekend? - Just a haircut please.

Ok, what’s on in cfn this week?

See; Categories for all that’s on offer, in the meantime fool recommends these:

*Digger; wraps

*Trigger: on the hoof

*cf'’s radio show featuring Digger:

Playing NOW the one with:

Adam and Valerie

Plus all the ‘oldies’: Olda Higden, One Eyed Dog, Risky Red, the long forgotten Christmas show and its Typewriting September predecessor, - new one coming soon - look out for the fish!

*Tit-bits – .../…These are genuine…/…Doctor John had…/…/…/…

*Grub–Up – * New- New – new – NEW! – Brand new menu in crazy fool’s kitchen/café – see poetry corner – nuff said

*Poetry Corner: ‘Ode to a crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie’

*NEW...Fishman...NEW...Fishman! – Read all the Fishman’s tails in… On The Pond, April ‘09’ – On the shelves now - may The Dog be with you

*Classifieds

Here’s a question for you: Anyone selling a rowing machine!

*Bongo Massif Bro’s – ‘…are on their way …’

Mr. Meaner... come take a trip on the wonder why, come take a slice of my pie -

*crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pies – available from the Blue Gecko & Phatty’s

Packed with lumps and bits and things that went baa and bleat – and other things that didn’t say anything, like the potatoes – lazy gits! They’re wind free too (almost)

Buy six pies and get a free T-shirt; see the full fool’s T-shirt ‘menu’ and choose your shirt!

Plus; every T-shirt sold - $1.00 goes to charity

I’ll need a T-shirt

This bit is the rugby bit:

Published 1.10.09

A rambling jumble of results this week, as fixtures dictate.

Internationals, of any note, will have their day again come November, with perhaps a brief spiel on the pick of the bunch from the Heineken Cup, as befits its multinational flavour.

Till then:

Guinness Premiership

Harelquins managed to stop losing for a week and drew with the Falcons up in Newcastle-land. Nick Evans put pay to that bogey as they ran back from 14-8 at the break with a Monye try in, what was described, ‘a frenetic game’. Jim Staples did not play. / Shane Geraghty continued to push for a possible No.12 spot next to Sgt. Wilko in an England jersey as he mastered another Saints win, this time against Leeds 30-10 – four tries and 19 points in 5 minutes also helped jig along their cause. / Schalk Brits’, who isn’t from Blighty at all, try on 13 minutes put pay to Rory Lawson’s opener in Sarries otherwise uneventful win over Gloucester 19-16 – uneventful bar the fact of Borthwick’s smashed eye thanks to Olivier Azam’s boot. / Worcester notched a 24-18 win over Sale in a two try a piece fun game which saw a cracker from Mathew Tait in the Manchester outfits No.13 jersey. / Bath and Leicester had a merry old ding-dong, with Matt Banahan also making his mark in the 13’s jersey and personally breaking the Tiger’s 284 minutes without conceding a try – the result – 20-20. / And for the most entertaining side of the Black Stuff comp; London Irish whisked a couple past Wasps courtesy of the very quick fella, Sailosi Tagicakibau, which saw them home 28-16.

The Top14

After a huge punch up Albi managed to keep their perpetual lead but had to hang on to beat Bayonne 19-14. / Brive had spells of ball time and beat Castres 11-9 in what was otherwise a boot affair. / Bourgoin kicked a dying minute penalty to see off Montauban 15-12. / Biarritz got bonus points thanks to tries by August, Harinodoquy and Yachvilli, as Toulon made 11 changes from their side that beat Toulouse last week but this week went down 23-9 to the Catalans! / In the game of the weekend, on French soil, Perpignan stepped up to the mark and took apart Clermont 19-3 – and I swear I have never seen those kind of rugby jerseys, ever, ridiculous, but hey, French. / Toulouse drew 9 each with Stade Francais, where both sides defended all day and both got equally booed by the crowd.

Magners League

Ulster put four tries past Connaught thanks to names such as Cave, Botha, Nagusa and Humphreys to make it 30-6. Jim Staples did not play. / Ospreys finally seem to be getting their act together and held off Glasgow 26-16 with 20 unanswered second half points.Jean de Villiers made his debut for Munster but it was Maori Nick Williams who made a name for himself in the Irish outfit, as Munster smashed the Dragons 27-3 – Nick the No.8 got a hat-trick. / Cardiff ended a 5 match losing streak to beat Scarlets 19-15. / And Edinburgh’s winning streak stopped with Leinster 19-21.

ANZ Cup

Otago recorded their third win of the tournament after coming back from 17-10 to beat Bay of Plenty 26-17. / North Harbour saw off Counties Manaku despite being down to 14 men for most of the game due to Andrew Mailui’s red card for a lifting tackle. / And that’s about as far as I got…

Some shorts:

Old Eyebrows has made it quite clear that any possible losses in the future will be down to the shape of the ball or the style of modern boots; He’s stressing the fact that in the modern era players can boot the ball 10 – 15m’s farther than just a few years ago, and this, he says, has a detrimental effect on the running game; “Because of the rules, sides don’t take risks and don’t pass the ball as often. They are wary of playing a wider, more expansive game and scared of giving penalties away.” – Jeez eh, if you moved the goal posts every season to accommodate the Kiwi’s proposals you’d end up somewhere like, Nuku’alofa, which is somewhere out there in the Tongan Haapai group of islands…apparently!

Ospreys are the latest club linked to Tuquri’s future, meanwhile Gavin Henson is still on unpaid and in indefinite limbo-land leave regards his future in union or the widely suspected move to league – really, why would you go to league? It’s like moving from Stilton to a Kraft slice.

The ARU have finally agreed and lodged their application for the Super15’s. Melbourne are likely to be coached by Nucifora with the other runner Ewen McKenzie probably off to Queensland. The other team in contention are the Southern Kings from the Eastern Cape. And they’ve got about as much chance as meeting a nice South African.

Australia have named a 43 man squad with ten new caps, to be dwindled drastically for their centenary grand slam tour, where they originally were dubbed ‘the rabbits’ before straddling with Warratahs, Warramaroos, Kookaburras and finally settling on the Wallaby’s. I remember their winning tour of ’84 and especially the Ella’s and that bearded full back, what was his name…Moon?

Anyway, James Haskell’s not allowed any ticket allocations for England’s up-coming Tests as his previous lot somehow found their way on the black market. And Matt Banahan said he’s going to get a commemorative tattoo if England win the World Cup 2011 – fool says choose it now. Remember how you all laughed the last time he tipped England – well, they got to the final didn’t they!

Some competitions now:

WIN a PRIZE!

John Smit’s XV; films where the villain is played by a Brit –: have some fun and try to name the actor!!! - This particular team will be finished… fool promises! – Only two to get.

If you’re wondering why it’s John Smit’s XV, it’s because he’s the current World Cup winning captain, so we’ve got another three bloody years of him yet!

15. Salom's Lot 14. Robin Hood 13. The Patriot 12. The Great Race 11. Pink Panther 10. Day of the Jackal 9. Silence of the Lambs 8. Braveheart 7. Lord Voldahart or as fool thinks it; Lord Vodaphone 6. Die Hard 5. Dracula (Any with Christopher Lee) 4. Bramstokers Dracula 3. ? 2. Snake from the Simpsons 1. ?

There’s a free t-shirt in the post for anyone who can up with the props here – I’m sick of it – ha, ha…nurse… - have received two props recently in Ray Winston and Bob Hoskins, but what were the films?

end rugby here!

Ok, a willow the wisp of cricket now:

The mini world cup is under way, and well, it’s nearly finished, but enroute we’ve had some wonderful cricket, some startling results and a little splash of rain too – argh rain, sweet, sweet rain, oh when shall I feel Mother Nature’s tears again…

Eoin Morgan racked up 62 to help plunder Sri Lanka to their depths of despair as England rolled them by six wickets. There was also the first seedlings of sportsmanship that have since grown into all out graciousness. Thilina Kandamby was given out when he ran into Onions, the bowler, in mid wicket and was subsequently run out. Only when he got to the outfield did Levi call him back and say, “That’s all right son, we all make mistakes, go on, have another go.” – He did and made a dandy 80.

There was no such chance when England played South Africa, with Graeme Smith on 140 odd, he called for a runner due to cramp and Levi, on advice from the umpires told him to go run and jump – see, he thought it through, he’s been there before. Smith’s been sulking ever since, especially seen as they lost by 22 runs. England hit 12 6’s in that game – six from Shah!

So with both England and New Zealand through to the semi’s these two teams finished off the group games with the Black Caps giving the Lions a hiding, by four wickets and 22.5 overs to spare. England’s paltry 147 was quickly set about to sunder by McCullum and Guptill, whilst Vettori’s gamesmanship flattered their scoreline even farther, if that is in anyway possible, by declaring that Colly could stay after technically being run out when he set off at the end of the 11^th over and left the crease. The Vet said, “There was a lot of conjecture but in the end I think there was no intention of a run from Collingwood.” – He went on to top score for England on 30 odd.

In the other group Australia and India’s game was rained off – argh rain, sweet rain, the Windies were too busy smoking the local fauna and Australia and Pakistan’s battle was a super old ding-dong. The Greens were skittled for just 205 and the Yellows, which are looking more Orangey these days to be honest, cruised along at 140-2 with The Punts and Hussy at the helm They just managed to scuttle home with Lee and Hauritz at the crease and won by a bye from the last ball of the game!

England now play Australia in the first semi on Friday and New Zealand take on Pakistan on Saturday – it will be interesting to see just how far the spirit of the game will flow now. Mine’s a large one – cheers

That’s it for this week

Other sports:

The Ham won in Sing. The But snapped 5^th from a starting 11. He extended his lead to 15 points. There’s 30 left to play for. What? You need to know anymore?

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

The trouble with finding treasure is that everyone wants a piece of it. So you lock it up in a big box, dig a big hole and leave it there till someone else finds it. It happened to Terry Herbert. He found 1500 pieces of the stuff in a field near his home in Burntwood, Staffordshire, UK. 5kg’s of Anglo-Saxon gold and 2.5kg’s of silver to be precise. It’s worth millions and Terry’s mates almost knew it was coming, he said, “My mates at the (metal detecting) Club always say if there’s gold in a field I will be the one to find it. I dread to think what they will say when they hear about this.” – His mates did of course find out and concerns for the fella who lives alone, “He’s gone into meltdown. Quite simply, he’s overwhelmed.” – Time to dig a hole Terry

Or chuck it in the lake and the monsters of the deep will protect it. Preferably a lake in Killarney, County Kerry, Ireland where a monster has been spotted and photographed by the director of the Centre of Fortean Zoology Jonathan Davies, who’d read about it before and went there on holiday to see what he could see. He saw it and said, it was, ‘a long thin eel like creature about 9-10 ft long.’ He also said, “I’d like to say I saw a long neck and humps and things but I didn’t. But by God it would have sounded good if he had said it.

Explorers from the same centre, based in Devon, have made reports of seeing the ape-man that roams the jungles of Indonesia. Witnesses have spoken of the Orang Pendek or ‘short man’ since colonial times, but boffs from the zoology joint have hair samples and a chewed up piece of leaf for DNA evidence now. How about if the DNA was your match and they came around knocking one day – how weird would that be? How cool – I am an Indonesian ape-man!

In a OnePoll survey 4 thousand men and women aged between 18-28 were asked what names were most likely to romp on their first date. For the girls 1. Chantelle 2. Stacey 3. Kelly 4. Chelsea 5. Tanya 6. Debs 7. Becks 9. Vicki 9. Lisa 10. Michelle and for the blokes; 1. Dave 2. Lee 3. Steve 4. Darren 5. Andy 6. Gary 7. Danny 8. Jason 9. Kevin 10. Callum A spokesman from the poll said, “I’m sure many of the blokes we polled haven’t managed to get someone called Chantelle into bed, but they seem to like their chances.” – Wey-hey when you meet her.

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! “It is rumoured that Shakira can cause small earth tremors with her hip shaking.”

Apsley House is a pub in Southsea Hants UK and landlady Janice ‘t’err something or other, is going to get the exorcists in because a ghost keeps topping up the regulars beers by an inch or so every evening. She says she’s losing money over fist. Any credibility in this story yet? Anyway she says she’s getting heaps of new customers but most just want a never ending pint. Regular John Saunders 27 said, “If you drink in the Apsley you’re guaranteed of getting a hangover as well as having enough money left over to buy a kebab on the way home.”

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, but has actually been replaced by Steve Wright: “Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”

Prison officers have removed all alcohol based hand gels from the premises at C Verne prison in Devon as the lags were making booze from it. They’d add some water and fruit and hey presto Tom Cruise is flipping shakers left, right and centre.

Hitler’s skull turns out to be a woman’s…hey; I knew there was something funny about him. The Ruskies were the first to get his body after he supposedly had a Tom Cruise mix and a bullet in the head. A US expert has since been allowed to study the only remains left, which are a fragment of skull and a piece of the jaw bone, and he categorically claims them to be of a woman and aged 20 – 40. He also states that there is absolutely no evidence of Eva Brauns death, he said, “There is no report of her being shot herself or having been shot afterwards. It (the skull) could be anyone’s.” – It also means that Hitler was indeed a woman as we all expected and both he and his lesbian lover could still be out there – yikes!

Here’s a tip for you Hitler if you are out there – get some in yer – yep, that’s right, woman who have regular sex have more energy and fewer illnesses. Aussie boffs carried out a survey of 300 women aged between 20 and 65 and found that it wasn’t the quantity but the quality of a bit of how’s your father keeps you vigourated. Dr Sonia Davison (no‘d’) said, “We found that women who were sexually deprived had lower well-being and vitality.” – So give her CHUM and put some life back in the old girl.