25th June - 1st July 2010 volume 386
June, 30th 2010 20:59 PM

“Carry on my wayward son

There’ll be peace when you’re done

 Lay your weary head to rest

Don’t you cry no more”

(Kansas)

 

 

You’re reading crazy fool’s  newsround – the world’s news according to crazy fool all rounded up in a weekly bundle of:

 ‘Play’, quizzes, trivia, sponsors, sport and world news – not necessarily in that order – although sport should always come first

(fresh edition brought to your doorstep every Friday morning – may contain nuts)

 

Plus the radio show – with a new look!

 

Reporter: crazy fool

 

Published 1.7.10                                          

 

For ‘T-Dog’ at Supreme Food Services supplying camel ribs and burgers to the troops of all nations in Kabul

 

crazy fool’s Shepherd’s Pie on the services menu soon!

 

And now let’s hear it for the news: Bong, bong, bong:

 

Hit me with your rhythm stick

 

In a week where the Catholic Church in Belgium was ransacked by authorities pertaining to sexual peculiarities outside of normal habits a British man died after an exceedingly heated affair with a Belgian dominatrix called Mistress Lucrejia.

 

58 year-old Robin Mortimer from Warwickshire was on his way to see his son race in Belgian’s GT Open. Robin is the boss of RPM Motorsport and he thought he’d steer off course briefly to Sint-Job-in’t-Goor near Antwerp for a quick pit-stop session of slap ‘n slap.

 

Mistress Lucrejia 46, real name Ire Van Denderden and assistant Vicky Vanherle 36, alias Mistress Juno have been lowering the tone of the sleepy village for some time, as customers are often seen shackled naked to chains and led around the garden howling like castrated hounds.

 

Other ‘punishments’ include locking away secrets in zips sewn into the skin. These ‘pleasures’ are often assisted by nitrous oxide (laughing gas), which is used to prolong the sessions.

 

When asked if she understood the charges of aiding and abetting the cause of death she allegedly winked confirmation and replied, “I have a dungeon in Warwickshire.”

 

I’m not dead…yet

 

A Mexican singer was forced to deny rumours he was dead by posting a note on entertainment website La Oreja. Two hours later he was shot dead.

 

40 year-old Sergio Veja, known as El Shaka was on his way Sinaloa in northern Mexico in his red Cadillac when a truck pulled up beside him and two men opened fire.

Sergio’s note on the website read, “It’s happened for years now, someone tells a radio station or newspaper that I’ve been killed or suffered an accident. And I have to call my dear mum, who has heart trouble, to reassure her.’

 

Musicians are many an assassin’s target as they celebrate various drug barons through their songs called narcorridos.

 

Smells fishy

Police in Moscow are rounding up 10million roubles flung from a car during a chase along one of the capital’s highways.

 

Federal Fishery Agency worker Boris Simoniv threw the money from his Cadillac’s window just as it crashed, leaving police to scamper in the wind for the scattered notes worth £212, 000.

 

The boss of the agency Roman Postikov was remanded in custard on charges of supplying false paperwork to fishing companies on two of Russia’s rivers.

 

Police have so far recovered 12 roubles and an El Shaka cd.

can you cash this?

 

 

Rock on

As England’s oldest rock festival, Glastonbury, kicked off this week, so too has the crop circle season. The biggest to make its way to Warminster, in Wiltshire since 1997 is a circular formation of 200 circles. The renowned circulist movement of ’97 say they nothing of the latest genesis but will get back to us.

 

Meanwhile pranksters have painted a 20ft penis on the 16th century chalk Long Man of Wilmington.

 

Do you want fries with that?

The world’s most expensive suit costs £599,000. The hand-stitched cashmere and wool and silk blend takes 600 man-hours to make and only three will be made.

 

Stuart Hughes, a jeweller has teamed up with Richard Jewels, a tailor and together created a suit with 480 embedded diamonds. Their aim is to fleece the rich with beguile and ceremony, stating, “The emphasis on our product is to solidify one’s individuality.”

 

Well, won’t they look prats when all three pull up at the same McDonald’s, “Oh, hey ya, Big Mac and fries…oh, the same as me…how common.” – Because all people with posh suits eat at McDonald’s – feel free to use that ‘M’ or the tailors – it’s catchy eh.

 

 

Crazy rock n roll capes No. XXXXXIIIIVVIVI! ‘The Boomtown Rats had a bloke who wore pyjamas – how silly was that!’

 

How silly is this: (only available on website!)

 

Kim Hai Trading Co., LTD:   for the best meat available in Vietnam email: info.kimhai@media.net.vn for a full listing

 

Peter Kay corner – very Cooper-esque, except this is a Peter Cook quote, which is a cross between the Kay and Cooper but without the k! – Wrong, all wrong, we’re going back to 2005 and a slice of vocabulary: MILLENIUM DOMES – The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually nowt in there worth seeing.

 

 

Most famous people from or lived in Birmingham list: I’ll kick us off: Jaspar Carrot, Ozzy Ozbourne, Neville Chamberlain, John Cadbury, Tony Hancock, Murray Walker, Arthur Conan Doyle, Steve Winwood, Joan Armatrading, Nigel Mansell, Alfie Bird (inventor of custard powder), Trevor Eve, Geezer Butler,

 

 

 

 

Animal news

*Ozzy Osbourne may eat live goats, chua hua’s and budgerigars live on stage but he certainly isn’t up for a Yank playing him in a new film.

 

The 61 year-old ex Black Sabbath star said, “I didn’t want Johnny Depp or someone from the Hobbit films, because Americans can’t do Brummie accents. It would be good to get someone from Birmingham to play me.”

 

Pick from the list above Ozzy.

 

*Red Back spiders are on the loose in Lancashire UK. The deadly inch long fang wielding blood sucking predators were shipped over in a spare parts case from Australia to BAE Systems factory in Preston.

 

Workers said as soon as the crate was opened the little blighters scattered like Scousers in a Job centre when an offer comes over the tannoy. Pest control came and squirted eggs that had been laid and disposed of any live bleeders with their hi-tech equipment - a size 10 Dr. Martin boot, as they sang Alexis Sayle’s chart topping hit.

 

BAE Systems said, ‘The situation is under control.’

 

*A restaurant in Phoenix valley, Arizona US has been selling lion burgers during the world cup. With home made spicy chips and corn on the cob, a lion burger will set you back $21.

 

Cameron Selagi, the owner Il Vinaio claims the cats are free range from a farm in Illinois and once he explains this to the customers, he says they, ‘seem pretty reasonable about the fact’

 

What would it be during the next one in Brazil, a giant anaconda with fresh pigmy inside!

 

*The most eggs laid by a hen is 14 in just over two hours – fact – don’t believe me, ask Debbie Armstrong from Newquay, Cornwall UK.

 

*Shane Wilmot from Australia’s Gold Coast has been training mice to surf for 25 years, but has only just found world recognition.

 

Boat builder Shane custom makes them their own boards then teaches them in the bath first before progressing to being pulled along by a remote control boat in his swimming pool, then when their ready he takes them to the beach.

 

He says gulls are a serious threat, but Shane doesn’t take his eyes off them for a second, saying, These guys aren’t just my pets – they’re my mates too – so I care about them a lot.”

 

Shane is mad. A-ha ha, a-ha ha, a-ha ha, a-ha ha, a-ha ha, a-ha ha, a-ha ha…a-ha ha, a-ha ha, a-ha ha, a-ha ha, a-ha ha…a-ha ha, a-ha ha, a-ha ha, a-ha ha…I can’t go on I tell you…a-ha ha , a-ha ha, a-ha ha, Dr. Martin boots, Dr. Martin boots…a-ha ha, a-ha ha…

not as hard as action squirrel

 

Smalls

*If you want to find out who the ‘100 biggest Sluts of Ballarat’ are, on facebook, you can’t, because a judge ordered them off the site as 60 of the biggest sluts filed complaints of being bracketed in the ‘100 Biggest Sluts of Ballarat’.

 

Police rummaged and found a charge for stalking, as the ‘Sluts’ felt they were victimised and hounded by being on the said, ‘100 Biggest Sluts of Ballarat’ page.

 

Police said if the other 40 of the ‘100 Biggest Sluts of Ballarat’ pressed charges they could indeed have ‘100 Biggest Sluts’ for South Australia’s ‘!00 Biggest Sluts of Ballarat’ facebook page, except it would no longer be on facebook because it’s been banned – shame… ‘100 Biggest Sluts of Ballarat’ would have been a busy site.

one of the Ballarat 100

 

*A 99p cricket book found in an Oxfam charity shop in Hertford UK is in fact one quarter of the original Wisden’s Cricket Almanac from 1864-67.

 

The cricketing ‘Bible’ as it is referred to, has been brushed up, bound together with tape and sawdust and is now worth £13,000. I wonder how many of those roubles will be used to keep fractious soldiers warm in Africa!

 

And erm… I do believe I’ve run out of news…let’s see if anything turns up tomorrow…

 

A shed turned up

A shed, a £9,999 shed to be exact. You can buy it from Tescos and drink sherry in it to your heart’s content. The 32ft by 16ft 10” possess 8 double-glazed windows, French doors and a felt shingle roof. There’s also a loft and a decking area. It comes flat packed so the wife could put it together in a morning. Don’t delay, get one today, if you haven’t got a garden, you can get one of those too.

 

  

 

Keep it wheel.

 

Just cf it

 

cf

 

 

Jaspas: Marguerite madness on a Friday is pure madness. See them in the *classifieds. There’s more on offer here that meets the eye – look out for their superb long-lunch deals – they’re long, lunchy and superb and they’re in Saigon, Vietnam! Salt ‘n’ pepper steak is a must – glug it down with a splash of Tatachilla Cabinet Shiraz

 

 
 

 

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