Crazy Fool's Newsround - 25th-31st May '07' Volume 235

25th-31st May '07' Volume 235
May, 31st 2007 19:03 PM

Productions presents

The Scene: fool is an undercover sports agent vying to be first in line to nab the young talented, but shy and paranoid, yet notorious gay sado-masochistic, basketball player Juan Pablo Eroticabar who comes from a small village in Southern Chile, and he never wants to leave it, despite all the numerous enticements he’s had before. His boss calls from HQ to find out the score…

Boss: Where are you fool?

fool: In Cognito sir.

Boss: Damn, I’d guessed that fool, but where are you?

fool: Sir?

Boss: Damn it fool, this is a safe line. Just give me your location. We’re coming to pick you up.

fool: Err, I’m in Cognito sir. You might not notice me though, I’ll be in disguise. I’m in the Café Lostos on the corner of Calle Jose and Calle Joseb. I’ll be reading Le Monde Grande Nil Enough

Boss: Fine work fool, now where exactly are you?

fool: Sir?

Boss: Damn it fool, this is intolerable.

fool: Yes, near there sir, but you don’t need to go as far. Turn off at Im Pugn.

Boss: What?

fool: Hold on, here he comes now (At this point every two-bit western agent, journalist and media type are in the same bar, identically dressed, all after the same gain. fool rushes to the bar and gets to Juan’s side first, leaving a squalor of hacks in his wake. He introduces himself through his false bush of a moustache). Hey is that you, Mr. Juan Pablo Eroticabar? I’d recognise that…height...anywhere!

Juan: Si, si senor, please, call me Juan.

fool: Hey, funny, my name’s Juan too.

Juan: One two – you like de football eh?

fool: Ugh, no, basketball. I prefer the old one on one…as opposed to err um, some Juan on Juan, if you er know what I mean, ha ha…ha… (An awkward silent pause) Anyway, I’m from crazy fool’s sports agency, wanna be in my gang???!!! (Whack, fool lies in a pool of blood on the floor, as the other hacks trample over him to get next in line.)

Punch line?: I’m working on it – although that could have been it!

Keep undercover

Let’s leave it at that shall we. Leave him on the floor and quietly walk away and onto the quiz:

1. Who was the first westerner to enter Mecca?

2. Which Broadway musical was the first to include nudes on stage?

3. The adjective murine refers to which creatures?

4. Which Ernest won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1954?

5. In which country is Varna International airport?

6. Who had a 70’s No.1 with “Seasons in the Sun.”?

7. Who was the Greek God of time?

8. In a clockwise direction which three numbers follow 20 on a dartboard?

Find all the answers you need under *Comps & results – and more spice damn it.

But now folks it’s; WHO AM I? Clue numero dos: ‘My sister is known to like a tipple or two.’

Is it me?

But who’s making waves on the side of the cfn bus;

Pacharan Tapas & Bodega: bodega, oh baby when you dance like that. Some of the best grapes this side of Iberia.

GTM: Is probably the best garden and leisure furniture anywhere. gtmsgn@saigonnet.vn

Bootlace walking holidays in Sierra Nevada Spain. Try the link for more info.

Kim Hai Trading Co.,LTD: Want meat, want fish – here’s your meat ‘n’ fish. Check out the classifieds for some great deals in June.

Inside cfn this week you’ll find: *Digger and all his essentials, followed close on the hoof by *Trigger and his inside info he has for you.

Then there’s heaps of treats for all and sorts, and I haven’t decided on whether to update the *tit-bits weekly or by-weekly. Perhaps the thousands aren’t getting enough time to read them all in just a mere week? …drop me a line – what do you think – it’s easy just click on the *contacts up top or simply go to info@cfnr.co.uk or cf.crazyfool@gmail.com – Those *Bongo Massif Bro’s won’t stop pestering me!

But now folks I’ll tickle your lung bone with a slap of ruggle pie;

And they’re off; nurse Tully is in the lead on David Strettle followed close behind by Andy Farrell then on his inside is Mike Brown, Andy Hazel, Peter Richards, with James Simpson-Daniel bringing up the rear, in this the Bed Pan Stakes here in Centurion Park, Pretoria.

Sadly Ian Balshaw had to be shot this morning as he had a gammy leg, as opposed to the stomach virus handicap!

Brian Ashton has eight fit backs at his disposal for Saturday – 3 of them are scrum-halves!

This really is comedy rugby at its best. Let’s not take anything away from the murdering poisoning bastard Bok’s; they really are getting their come-uppence in the rugby standards approval agency, but it’s the England camp, that only started with two recognisable first choice players and now have an endless 2nd, 3^rd and 4^th string back-up troupe on their way home through illness. It doesn’t get any better than this!

But there were some positives from the England camp in their 58-10 drubbing; Sgt. Wilko tackled like a demon again, which prompted Mike Ford (defence coach) to say, “Now we’re going to get players to simply move Jonny out of the way and say, ‘this is our job, not yours, we’ll do the tackling.’” – Surely by the time they’ve said all that the bloke would’ve gone!

No hang on...

Barring some silky efforts from Matthew Tait and hard knocks from Nick Easter England should be kicking themselves, as Brian Ashton said, “I’m bitterly disappointed because we gave S.A. 49 of their 58 points through individual mistakes and turnovers. You would have to say S.A. didn’t have to do a heck of a lot of work for their 30 points in the first half, and for 45 minutes we did pose them problems. It’s what happened in the other 35 that we have to rectify.” – You said it.

Meanwhile Jake White, who has completed a huge turn around with this Bokkie side, was happy, but not that happy, even with the side’s record (against England) 7 tries and record 10 goals, but only gave his side a 6 out of 10, he said, “We started well and ended well but in between left a lot to be desired. England’s depleted side will be better this week, but we will be better.” – Ner-ner.

On another ner-ner note, Jason Robinson’s chomping at the bit for this Saturday, “Saturday can’t come quick enough to be honest, as we know we’re better than last Saturday.” And, “I’ve suffered defeats that big before and they felt like hammerings. This one didn’t.” – Ner-bloody-ner.

U ha

Jake continued with the psyche out tact’s, “It’s imperative that we keep beating England wherever we are. I look at where England were under Sir Clive Woodward in the build up to the last World Cup and it’s not unlike where we are now.” – Anything you can do I can do better, I can do anything better than you, no you can’t, yes I can, no you can’t yes I can…

Skipper John Smit is also in a buoyant mood, and he says, “This is the first chapter in what is going to be quite a successful year for the Springboks.” – Quite upbeat aren’t they – see them come tumbling down, on a big screen near you, soon.

Graham Henry likes a few of those mind game shitester talks too, as he chipped in his conceited tuppeny bit o’ shit, “They (Is-its) are very hard to play against. They are the most difficult side to construct our attack against. They have the same traditions in rugby as the All Blacks and they don’t fear the All Blacks as some other teams do. We wish they did but they don’t.” – You’ve just fired up a world of hurt come the World Cup mate; - don’t say professional players in this day and age possess fear!

Meanwhile bad lad Ali Williams is in the All Blacks side to face France this Saturday. He may have been out of flavour with the Blues, but Graham Henry said, “He’s been outstanding in a word.” – Yeah, I made it six too.

Steve Hansen their forward coach, also likes the cut of Ali’s jib, and said, “He’s just Ali Williams and he’s a pleasure to have about.” – Yeah, he’s a funny lad, put him in the team.

They are also favouring cousins, bro’s homy’s what ever, Sitivieni and Joe I should coco Rokokoko on the wings. It seems Dougie has played enough and well enough to earn himself a spot in the World Cup squad. – Wow, that reconditioning camp really was a success eh!

But I’m waffling. What about those Wallaby’s and the skin of their hides eh! They snuck home to deny the Taff’s a first win in Oz since 1969 by 29-23. The Green and Canary Yellow have looked pretty ordinary for an eon of late, but there’s still that individual brilliance of the Git-eau who brings a dash of speed minus the haste to every game.

But did it they did didn’t they, despite the Taffy’s stoic defence. James Hook gave the Welsh hope with a drop goal with only minutes to go and in what should have been the last kick of the game Gareth Cooper hoofed the ball from a scrum down field but didn’t find touch, schoolboy error, and from an ensuing ruck Gregen shipped out the perfect ball, which eventually found its way to Hoiles who touched down to claim their win. I wonder if the Git would have passed?

Bring back Joe

Mike Phillips the Welsh No.9 was correct when he said, “We didn’t close the game out and it’s something we have to learn to do.” – Yep, it’s the first rule in salesmanship – close the deal dude.

Michael Owen on the other hand is peeved he didn’t get the nod ahead of Brent Cockbain, (Aussie!), last week was also correct when he said, “We can beat anyone on our day, but have to be on top of our game.” – No shit Sherlock!

Meanwhile Welsh coach Gareth Jenkins was pleased with orange-man Henson’s return saying, “He was a positive in that last part of the game.” – Yes, he did have a couple of good fends. And Oz boss Connolly didn’t say much about his team but was full of praise for the old fuzzy head of Colin Charvis saying, “There is no doubt that when Colin goes on to the field he fronts up.

Happy with the Wallaby’s front row yet?

But onto Santa Fe, Argentina now, and the Irish were also pipped at the post by a last gasp drop goal from Leinster’s Felipe Contemponi, 22-20. The Irish blamed their own discipline and the green No.9 Isaac Boss said, “In the second half we made a lot of mistakes and they won with a bit of our help.” – Spoken like a true Irishman.

The two depleted sides meet again next week in Buenos Ares but also have a clash in Paris on 30^th Sept, where skipper Simon Best said, “They will be very different teams.” – Just how much money would you put on The Pumas for the Cup?

Too much rugby – never enough!

Just to keep you interested

This weekend will see the All Black’s beat France, Australia beat Wales, just, even with their formidable back line up of Gregan, Larkham the Git and co-skipper mad jock Mortlock.

Stirling

Hmmm, Argies and the Irish, that’s a toughie…Argies, two points! And S.A. will absolutely dump the English, but ironically the English will play fantastically well! – Look out for prop Kevin Yates who makes his comeback since not playing since 1997 when he bit off some Welsh bloke’s ear – he’s back and he’s hungry.

The English Saxons also take on the N.Z. Maoris on Sunday in the Churchill Cup final – I’ll stick my neck out here and go with the Saxons.

But now let’s make room for some cricket old boy:

‘I want my hair like Jesus wore it alleluia I adore it…why don’t my mother love me, hair, hair, hair…’

Ryan Sidebottom left arm swinger – you couldn’t make it up could you! Anyway he took 8fer as England slid home at Headingly to an innings and 283 run defeat over the Windies.

Ryan?

Ryan said, “It’s only one game. Taking wickets is fantastic, but I have to keep doing my thing.” – He’s a dude. He went on to talk about the weather, well he is British; “I don’t think I’ve ever played in colder weather. I couldn’t even get warm in the dressing room. Luckily my long hair helped keep me warm.” – Glowing, flowing long as I can grow my hair…

Ryan’s coach at Nott’s said, “Bowlers were picked not because they were the best but because they were young. But Peter Moores has come in and said, ‘are we missing a trick.’ It’s all about Ryan’s line and length.” – That’s what Kate Moss has been saying for ages.

Vaughany’s back in the Test side after moaning for the last bloody month about it, can you believe he said this, “I’m the England captain and I’ve made myself available for selection. Surely that is a positive thing.” – And it was, he went on to get a ton and some. He’s also up there as the most successful English captain with 20 wins out of 34 – who does he share that top slot with?

I've farted again

He was a little lucky or should I say Levi was a little lucky that Fred is injured, who is incidentally going under the knife this weekend as opposed to playing for Lancashire, but that’s another story for another day, so the man who likened himself to Jose Mourinho (Vaughan) is back and he’s happy, he said, Stats are coming from everywhere, like this was the coldest day for cricket ever. Next it will be about whether Sidebottom’s hair is the longest in Test cricket.’ – Maybe, I can only think of Dizzy’s being longer…?

But Pieterson was the flavour of Leeds, which to be honest is mostly a curry flavour these days! But anyway, he got 226 with the willow, and was pretty down-pat with his heroics, “There will be a lot of games against better opposition, but this was a good sign.” – He’s 6ft 5 and that’s got nothing to do with nothing!

All good, but let’s hear Justin Langer laud him up. He says all the Aussies would love to have him in their side, and to suggest that none of them like him is their greatest compliment. He said, “He struts, he is aggressive, he takes on any bowler and he stares you in the eyes with the confidence of a prize fighter.” – Enough of that, just hit the bloody thing.

Fact; he’s 26 – not interesting. He’s played 25 Tests – getting there. Made 2,448 runs – hmmm. Only the Don has done better – wow!

Viv Richards said of him, “He is on the path to greatness as long as keeps doing the thing he is doing.” – Cha mon, rolls me another, he hee!

Talking of which, Windies skipper Ramnaresh Sarwan has had to go home with a busted shoulder and it is likely that Daren Ganga will step in as chief toker!

But enough of that nonsense, let’s hear some Warney nonsense; he’s 37 – pup – and he’s picked up 6 penalty points from the ECB after he was given leg before whilst playing for Hampshire against Kent, eventually he walked then hurled a torrent of abuse from the pavilion, which contained some rather flowery language fool suspects. Bang, 2 years probation and if he notches up 9 points in that time it’s an automatic suspension – what do ya reckon – will he make July?

His newspaper ad for Aussie baldy treatment Advanced Hair has also been wiped by the Advertising Standards Agency because there’s no evidence that it actually stops balding or re grows hair. You’ll love this, the ad reads, ‘Advanced Hair, Yeah Yeah. I’ve been hearing it for years, but to me I’ve always taken it as a warning. And that warning is…If I didn’t do something about my fine and thin hair they could well be chanting baldy.’ – Then it rambles on a bit and finishes with, ‘heed the Warne-ing today.’ – Beautiful!

Ok, we done there? Good. Other sports now:

McLaren goes alright doesn’t it! Alonso and Hamilton finished an easy one two in Monaco, where Lewis was told to slow down basically or we’ll put more fuel in your car. There’s been no legal action required for the match fixing, although I’m sure a few bookies wouldn’t agree. Lewis was stinking when he was told to come second, as an insider said, “Lewis was furious and let them know. The air was blue on the radio.” – I like that. He calmed down though and went off to DJ at a £450 ticket bash in the Amber lounge of his posh hotel. – Oh, the good life (Frank).

Not angry

Ricky Hatton fights Jose Luis Castillo in Vegas on the 23^rd June for the IBO light welter-weight title. Ricky is from Manchester and a staunch Man City boy. He’s getting his pal Rooney to lead him out carrying the belt on fight night – a Red! Some of the fans aint happy and are boycotting. As Ricky said, “I can’t wait for Wayne to carry the belt with Blue Moon blaring out. Like me, he’s a rum lad who doesn’t give a damn about too much.” – Football gays.

But keeping with the round ball quickly because Wales drew 2-2 with New Zealand in Wales-land this week - And fool says footballers are still worth every penny!

Ok, what’s a been a happening around a the world a:

71 year old ex teacher Katsusuke Yanagisawa from Wrexham (In Japan)! Has just walked up Everest, all bloody 29,028ft of it. Took him 6 weeks mind. He said, “I feel relieved.” – Could have just had a massage! The previous oldest dude was Yuichiro Muira now 74 who did it in ‘03’. He reckons he’s going to do it again next year, after his 75^{th birthday}. Katsusuke must be thinking, ‘BASTARD’.

The bomb squad were called to the main road in Hasland, Derbyshire, UK after post office staff reported a ‘buzzing’ from a parcel they were delivering. Yep, you guessed it, a gal’s best friend.

Girls best friend?

British woman Palak Vyas popped out her sprog in record time last week – a healthy 7lb 2oz girl came into the world in just 120 seconds after her waters broke. Palak said keeping fit by doing a lot of walking was the secret. Curries are good too.

Be safe

Great Granny Nellie Davies on the other hand has been celebrating her birthday on 2^nd May for 100 years. It was only when she went to send her certificate off to the Queen for a birthday card that she realised her actual birthday was on the 24^th May. She said, “I couldn’t believe it. Who’d have thought that all these years I’d been celebrating the wrong day.” – Yeah, who’d have thought it eh! - She puts her longevity down to a cuppa with a dash of whiskey in it and a port at lunch time. All the old timers swear on the toddies eh.

And weed

One in ten Brits don’t know where Antarctica is. A quarter think hair dryers are banned there. A fifth think there’s an ice rink and ski lifts there. That was taken from a survey on the Ice Station Antarctica Show in London. See, Antarctica is in London – idiots.

In London?

Smuggler Yahia Talba had 700 live snakes in his luggage as he flew from Cairo to Saudi Arabia. ‘Anything to declare?’ – ‘Declare, me no. What would I have to declare…’ ‘Oh those…’

And the rest

11 year-old Jamison Stone shot the biggest pig on record this week in Pickensville Yank-land. The hog weighed in at 1,051lb, and from trotter to snout was 10ft 7inches. It was 54 inches around the head, 74 around the shoulders and 11 inches from eyes to snout. It will make between 500-700 pounds of sausages. Jamison said, “It feels really good.” – Pickensville, are they taking the piss! And what do you think his dad drinks?

Leave your tea in the pot or in your cup for at least five minutes, that way you’ll get a higher concentration of antioxidants, which prevent everything from ageing to cancer. The Irish are the No.1 tea drinking nation with the Brits 2^nd. In Britain the average adult has 3 cups per day. It is accounted for 40% of their daily fluid intake. Two cups a day slashes skin cancer by up to 65%. There’s manganese mineral to help body growth and enough potassium to replenish the body fluids. – Tea, best drink of the day.

had a cuppa?

Ok, lastly Youtube have had a field day with a couple who were caught bonking – doggie style – on a roof top in London. T.V. director Matt White forwarded it to heaps of pals and said, “You can’t go out onto a building in central London and do that and think no-one is going to spot you.” It was on top of the Windmill Theatre Building in Great Windmill Street, which incidentally holds an up market table top dancing club. – Staged, do you think?